Friday night, June 11, The Champagne Bar, Plaza Hotel, Manhattan
Roy Caulder
“May I take your drink order, sir?”
Roy Caulder looked up from his iPhone, studying the tuxedoed waiter with equal parts surprise and contempt. The man may as well have been a cockroach wandering across the dainty linen tablecloth. Couldn’t the moron see he was busy?
The waiter took a step back, words of apology bubbling from his lips, but Caulder waved him silent. After a moment’s deliberation, he ordered a magnum of Vintage Brut, Rosé, Dom Pérignon 1996 and four ounces of Iranian Osetra caviar, not out of thirst or hunger but simply because these were the two most expensive items on the menu.
Then he returned to his cell, pulling up the new message.
Good. Bree was checking in from Boston, right on schedule.
Before letting her leave this morning, he’d gone over her weekend schedule in exhaustive detail, approving some plans while vetoing others. Above all, he’d emphasized there would be no more ‘improvising’ on her part. Going forward, she would follow his script, word for word, and if she deviated… well, then he couldn’t really guarantee her safety anymore now, could he?
He reread Bree’s short message, amused by her paranoid tone. He could almost see that pretty blonde head checking over her shoulder as she texted. Typical. Whenever Bree felt threatened, she always returned to him, looking for reassurance and protection. That was why their relationship worked so well.
As always, she needed him more than he needed her.
Whistling softly as he typed, he fired off a few trite, soothing words (Of course I still trust you baby… Nothing’s changed between us), then turned his attention to the broad picture window, which framed an impressive view of Fifth Avenue and the Pulitzer Fountain below.
The Plaza was all about this famous view: a grand, towering estate in the heart of Manhattan, Central Park stretching out at its feet like a lush private garden. His father, a once prominent real estate developer, had been part of a consortium that had almost bought the landmark hotel back in the early 80s, but they’d been outbid by a group of wealthy Arabs. Typical of the old man. Grand ambitions, always falling short.
A few years later, Lyndon Caulder had died from a massive stroke while his only son was away at prep school in Connecticut. All Roy remembered of his father’s funeral was the endless parade of ex-wives, all trying to outshine one another in their over-the-top black dresses, wide-brimmed hats and sequined veils. Money grubbing, social climbing bitches, all of them, right down to his birth mother – a talentless, B-list actress with the maternal instincts of a snake.
Then again, Dad only got what he deserved.
Caulder’s eyes drifted back to the iconic fountain, entranced by the way the lights shimmered and danced through the spray. He allowed his mind to go blank, waiting for some random memory to surface, for the intrusion of any poignant life experience or emotion, but as usual, nothing came. Iceman Caulder. Decades after its creation, his prep school nickname still rang true. How many millions of dollars had his enemies spent over the years trying to build the kind of psychological profile that a bunch of school kids could have given them for free? It was all right there in his Choate senior yearbook: “Most likely to be an evil mastermind -- Roy Aldrich Caulder.”
“Ah, this is what I admire about you, Roy. Your focus. Such a rare quality in an American.”
Caulder turned to face the owner of the raspy, Middle Eastern voice – a plump, Armani-clad man with olive skin and arrogant eyes – and smiled. As usual, the Sheikh came with his own entourage, including a bevy of advisors, his personal valet, three lethal-looking bodyguards and, on this occasion, a lithe blonde with high-priced escort written all over her dolled up face.
“Yes,” Caulder rose to take the man’s smooth, manicured hand. “Well, I’ll be needing that focus. These next few days are going to be crucial for us.”
“Indeed.” The Sheikh nodded his approval, waiting for the valet to pull out a chair before taking his seat. Over the past year, they had met in the Champagne Bar five times – whenever the Sheikh made one of his frequent visits to Manhattan and stayed in his customary Royal Plaza Suite – but this meeting promised to be different.
Caulder was about to learn whether or not the funding for his plan had been approved.
“So…” he said calmly, as if his entire future weren’t on the line. “I take it the last transfer of funds went through successfully.”
The Sheikh raised a bushy eyebrow. “Yes, my friend! We are on schedule. All has been arranged, but…” He gestured to their lavish surroundings, then wrapped an arm around the illegally-young-looking blonde’s waist. “Now is not the time for business, no? We are here tonight to celebrate!”
“Yeah, well…” Calder pursed his lips and scratched his moustache. “I’m all for celebrating, but first, let’s make sure we have good reason to celebrate.”
“Of course.” The Sheikh leaned closer and crossed his arms over the table, his expression turning sober. “Forgive me, my friend. What would you like to know?”
“Just that there won’t be any unpleasant last-minute surprises. Your government, for instance. Do those in power still approve of our plans?”
The Sheikh glanced at his companions and they shared a round of raucous laughter. “My friend,” he finally coughed out. “I am the government. And I assure you…” He reached across the table to grip Caulder’s hand. “Your success shall be my success, brother. We are in this venture together.”
As the last word left the Sheikh’s lips, a white flash illuminated the table. Caulder barely caught sight of the man with a camera darting through his peripheral vision, but the Sheikh's guards had already leapt up from the table, guns drawn in pursuit. In the commotion that followed, the photographer disappeared into the crowd.
“Bloody vultures,” the Sheikh hissed. “Paparazzi trash, always trying to get my picture. Don’t worry, Roy. My men will track that bastard down.”
Calder shrugged, more amused than anything by the unexpected disturbance. What did he care if their photo wound up on the pages of some trashy tabloid rag? Who would grasp the historic importance of what they were witnessing, anyway?
Who could guess, from one mere snapshot, that Roy Caulder had just been given a green light to change the world?
***
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Hey Gray,
Another excellent chapter, with a deeper, in depth look inside the head of Roy Caulder, and his plan to change the world. And he comes from a line of womanizers to boot. I didn't notice any nits, but the phrase "illegally-young-looking" sounds a tad off. what about: "then wrapped an arm around the waist of an obviously underaged blonde."
later, nathan
Hi Gray,
Well, it seems Bree is in cahoots with Caulder and some evil plan...if she's following some type of script written by him.
As for the pov's, they work just fine for me. I like the way you have them. I've read someone else who does that...can't recall who at the moment, maybe Max Collins...not sure.
Your descriptions are wonderful...they are your strong point. They make your stories a pleasure to read.
~Ann
Gray..Had off today, so I thought I'd catch up on another chapter. Love how you portray Roy and how we were able to get into his head a little more with the mention of his father's funeral and all the ex-wives including his snake of a mother. Nice descriptions all. Also liked how you ended on another suspenseful note. I thought that Roy's POV was fine. James Patterson does that when his main character is in the first person, his secondary characters are in third. Again looking forward to moving forward with your story.....Denise
Hi Gray,
Looks like I'm the ornery one in the crowd but, nope, I don't like the POV swap. Don't like the evil villain stereotype, either. Plus I have a few friends who went to Choate back in the day - all nice guys! : )
Prep school names DO stick, though, I must say... (I went to one, too, ha! Can't you tell??!!) : )
So, as well-written as this chapter is, I suggest you dump it. Tell the story through Jake's POV, which is beautifully nuanced, multi-dimensional and smart.
Which reminds me, did Jake have a problem saying 'fuck' (vs. 'f-' ) in the last chapter?
: )
Terri
I was skeptical of your 3rd POV shifts too.
But, you pull it off very well indeed.
But, you say past pov?
I do wonder just how long ago this moment was.
All the same, I still wish for an honorable antagonist.
And yes, I most certainly am word stuffing as it is harder to review short chapters in a long novel.
ahah, I knew it!! Bree is in on it, but why? Does Roy really care so much about an insignificant little dermatologist?
The pov works great. Jake, present, first person makes us think like him, we're on his side. We need to be removed from the bad guys.
This is Just So Good.
Hello, trying to get through a second chapter tonight. One of the reasons I started paying attention to this story was to learn how someone writing a story in first person dealt with information that was necessary for the story but not known by the main character. The third person interludes seem a bit forced but if you have to present stuff that the main character can't know, I don't see what choice you have. So far you have put these third person interludes in separate chapters and I think that is a good approach. I find sections in a chapter where the person shifts much more jarring.
As far as the content of the chapter goes, I thought it brought out two interesting new things, first the obviously shady financial scheme (maybe that's a syntactical redundancy, could it be all financial schemes are shady? - no I know they aren't all shady, it just seems so), but also, the fact that Roy is keeping very close tabs on Briana. Your other reviewers seem to think this suggests the two are working closely together, but I wonder. Could there be another reason why Roy has to keep tabs on Briana?
Good cliffhanger at the end. Now what can that mean?
The POV switch works. The only sentence I had trouble with was "maternal instinct of a snake." It seems to be mixing messages.
The maternal instinct kills to protect. Alligators attack when anyone is near their nest, and otherwise. Maternal is positive and deadly (in my mind.) You could say his mother was a snake like the others. That would connote greediness and underhandedness.
I liked the camera going off as a sign that their agreement was on. I also enjoy hearing Caulder's thoughts about Bree. It ratchets up the thriller level. You're doing a great job! T Cat
Hey, Gray - Well, you already know my feelings toward MC first-person and third-person for everybody else. I'm in favor of it, of course! :) Except I use past, rather than present, tense for the MC, too. So Briana is in cahoots with her husband - in something. But not necessarily targeting our dermatologist, though that's what the reader would naturally think. Bravo, if this is a sleight-of-hand misdirection. I do so love those. :)
No real nits, but I do have a slight issue. '...drifted back to the iconic fountain.' Since my brother pointed it out to me, I've noticed an abundant use of "iconic" in speech these days, and it's now on my list of "trendy," overused words/phrases, like "Kabuki theater," and "game changer." And you just used the word three paragraphs earlier. Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything else in this very interesting chapter. Change the world, indeed!
Take care,
Jack
Hey Gray
I'm on the fence about the switch in POV. I think the switch to past tense bugs me most. While short, this is a very well written scene with some nice woven in back story...but...the date at the top doesn't remove the feeling that this scene (because of the tense) may have taken place a day, a month or even a year before the present tense part of this story. The result is it messes with the chronology.
Also, and this is purely off the cuff, but as I read this I kept feeling like this is the first significant set up of the main plot element. As such, I found myself wondering why this wasn't a much greater focus in an earlier chapter. Putting aside the furthering of Roy as a sort of stereotypical evil guy, I think this scene could easily have taken place at the onset. OR maybe kept under wraps a bit more so it could be used later as a big reveal. Plunking it here, and then making it vague in the chronology, just didn't work well for me.
Writing wise it was excellent. No major nits, nice easing of forward feeling information and decent motivational narrative.
I wish I could read this more quickly but time has been working against me. I will get back to more this week.
Nice work.
Hi Gray,
Hmmmm, just when I was beginning to change my opinion of Bree, now I'm not so sure... Of course, if Caulder is using her for a punching bag, she may be doing his bidding to save her behind, soooo, who knows...!Perhaps she owes him big time for something, And then, of course, she will fall for Jake, and therein lies another pickle...! Have to read on and see what's cooking...! Great chapter.... Happy Day... Keep Smilin'... Jax
Gray,
Hope you're getting settled in and caught up.
Wow, this was short. I was all set for more. The first person/third dilemma didn't bother me. Pace was good and tension is buildling.
In the first line,"studying" the waiter didn't fit. The next line, "he may as well have been a cockroach" made studying sound too intense for something of such little significance.
I had trouble with this line: The Sheikh glanced at his companions and they shared a round of raucous laughter." You're telling us what they did.
And consequently it sounds contrived—almost like someone held up a “laugh sign" and they laughed. Show us.
Good chapter. I'll have to read another one, since this was so short.
All About Connection
Hello, Gray. Good and fascinating look at RC and what surprises near and at the end!! Found it not difficult to follow this or any of the other chapters. This is a very readable, action-packed, and tense story.
That was kind of a "quiet" chapter, but NOT a boring one. You've done a fine job of building the RC character, Gray! I can see him, hear him, and be thankful I don't know anyone like him...
What he's got in mind regarding the world... Yikes!! I don't know what it is, but I DON'T like it...
CHEERS!!
Mike
Author
Reply
I added this chapter after finishing the first draft. Thought I needed to give Caulder a bit more screen time... G
I think I see why you're not fond of the Roy Caulder POV chapters, even if they're very well written. The issue might be -- this is a villain pov, and he's a proper villain, no shades of gray or anything to hold on to generate some empathy.
This section reads excellent, because you're a very good story-teller, but you're right, it does hamper with the flow and takes me out of the story for a bit.
I'm not thinking "dammit too bad Roy is bad, I'd love to see him be friends with Jake," or "he's the bad guy but he's charismatic and exciting".
He's just the bad guy period.
I also see your predicament, in wanting to expand on the plot which can't be shown just through Jake's POV.
I'm wondering if short, omnipresent blurbs that distances from villain's thoughts and motivations, but just observes events unfolding, would help? Like a couple of paragraphs in italics maybe before jumping into Jake POV?
Till now, the Roy POV chapters are not indispensable, his past can be hinted by Bree through conversation, and we know he's planning something. But I can see why that would be an issue in the future.
I'll keep reading and see what comes up in future Roy chapters.
Your writing is excellent here, as always, and I did enjoy the chapter. Just a couple of concerns I've shared above. On to the next!
Author
Reply
You're absolutely right about this POV issue, which is the most frustrating thing about this story. I built the plot on these multiple POVs and can't figure out how to extricate the story. It's like building the foundation of a house all wrong and then realizing when you're finished putting in all the windows and appliances and applying the last coat of paint!
Hi Gray,
I'm going to agree with my friend P - Roy is just a bad guy, not very interesting to me. So far, I think you could lose both his chapters- though well-written of course, they may not be necessary. But I don't know what you have coming up.
The POV/tense doesn't bother me at all.
On to the next,
Lauren
Author
Reply
Yup. Like I said, I've got a POV problem, and it only gets worse. I'll probably drop all the Roy Caulder chapters except maybe one toward the end. Thanks for the feedback!
Gray
No
Nathan B. Childs