Wednesday afternoon, June 9, Greenbeck Dermatology
Jake
“Doctor Goodwin, your one o’clock has arrived.”
It’s Isabella Duncan, one of the perpetually faux-cheerful girls at reception, calling through my office speaker phone. Surprised, I put down my half-eaten sandwich and pick up the receiver.
“What one o’clock?” I ask, forcing a stray image of Briana Caulder from my mind. Ever since her visit a couple of days ago, she’s been intruding into my thoughts more than I’d like to admit.
“Um –” I hear Izzy typing furiously on her keyboard. “It looks like Nina added this patient to your schedule just over an hour ago. Sorry.”
“Why? Are we talking about another study volunteer?”
Izzy attacks her keyboard again. “It doesn’t say. There’s just a priority notation here.”
Priority notation. That’s short-hand for VIP treatment. Lately, Nina has been running her husband’s practice as if it were a trendy night club, with her hand controlling the velvet rope. For a moment, I wonder what she’d do if I called her bluff by refusing to deal with this latest imposition.
“So what’s the emergency?” I finally ask, massaging my temples.
“It says here axillary hyperhidrosis,” Izzy replies cheerfully. “What on Earth is that?”
“Sweaty armpits,” I answer wryly. “Like I said, another emergency.”
“Wow. And Nina added that to your lunch break?”
“Tell me about it.”
“I’m sorry, Doctor Goodwin.” I can picture Izzy sitting behind the reception desk, fidgeting in her swivel chair as she debates what to say next. Speaking ill of Nina is like questioning the supreme leader in North Korea; you never know which one of your neighbors will rat you out for being a traitor.
“That’s all right,” I say to let her off the hook. “I was just about finished with lunch anyway.”
“So should I tell your nurse you have a patient?”
“Nope. I think I can handle this one alone. By the way, what’s the add-on’s name?”
“Caulder.”
“Okay,” I say, feeling my heart skip a beat. “Please send her back.”
That’s when Izzy breaks the news. I’m thinking of the wrong Caulder.
I find Roy Caulder waiting for me in exam room five, one long trousered leg crossed over the other. He’s reading the Financial Times, which he folds and sets down as soon as I enter. Briana’s husband looks to be in his early to mid-fifties, with short jet-black hair and a thin moustache, both probably dyed. As he rises to greet me, I’m immediately struck by his height; although I’m six-feet even, it still feels like he’s towering over me.
“Doctor Goodwin,” he announces crisply, extending his hand. “Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice.”
“No problem,” I reply, noting he has a firm, lingering grip. As we size one another up, I take in his stereotypical investment banker’s ensemble: finely tailored dark charcoal suit, pinstriped blue dress shirt, and crisp red power tie with matching suspenders. Dressed in my standard work outfit of beige slacks and a white button-down Oxford shirt, I feel like a college kid by comparison. “So… what can I do for you today?”
Caulder clears his throat, training intense, jarringly color-mismatched eyes on me. One iris is hazel while the other is a piercing blue. “Well for one thing, I’d like to thank you for helping my Bree. Her skin looks flawless now, thanks to you.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“We were skeptical at first,” he confides, “but I’ve got to hand it to you. Turns out you knew what you were doing.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I say, giving him a tight-lipped smile to let him know I’m in no mood for small talk. “Now I understand you’re here to address some sweating under your arms. Is that correct?”
“Right. It’s nothing too bad, but in my line of work, any amount of sweating can be a liability.” He flashes me a sly, toothy smile. “I mean, when you’re closing a multi-billion dollar deal, you don’t exactly want the other side to see damp circles under your arms.”
I nod, jotting down a few notes. “And you’re in good health? No illnesses you’re aware of? No medications?”
“No. Nothing like that. I’m in the best shape of my life.” He puffs out his chest to illustrate the point. “Two to three hours at the gym every day.”
“So it sounds like you’re describing something called primary axillary hyperhidrosis,” I say, ignoring the alpha-male display. “That’s extra sweating in the armpit region in someone who’s otherwise healthy. Are there any other areas where you sweat too much? Like your head, palms or soles?”
Caulder shakes his head impatiently.
As we work though his concerns, I get the impression Briana’s husband is here more out of vanity than for any real medical problem. As he explains it, he simply doesn’t want to sweat anymore.
“So anyway…” he announces, raking his fingers through his hair. “Bree was telling me about your experimental drug last night – the one that comes from the fish. She said it was like Botox but lasts for a year. Now, I know Botox treats sweating, so I figured you could use some of your… what’s it called again?”
“Replacidin.”
“Right – Replacidin. Well, I’d like you to use some of that Replacidin to treat my sweating problem.” He grins affably. “So what do you say? It would be great to throw away the Old Spice for a year.”
“That’s an interesting idea,” I reply cautiously. “It might even work, but unfortunately, Replacidin’s not approved for that use.”
Caulder gives me a puzzled look. “So? If I’m not going through insurance, then what’s the problem? I'll pay for the procedure.” He reaches into his wallet to pull out a thick wad of cash. “Here… just name your price.”
My eyes move to the money clip of hundred-dollar bills. “It’s not a question of money. Replacidin hasn’t been tested for hyperhidrosis, so the treatment might not be safe. Using it on you would be unethical.”
“Like I said…” Caulder shrugs, rippling his neck muscles. “I’m aware of the risks, so that’s not a problem. I’ll sign a release if you want. You’ll be off the hook.”
I shake my head. “Sorry but that’s not an option.”
Caulder scratches his neatly groomed moustache, looking like he’s debating how to respond, and that’s when I notice the ominous flicker in his eyes. It’s gone in less than a millisecond, like the ripple of a shark’s dorsal fin beneath murky waters, but I realize, in that instant, that I’ve just caught a glimpse of the real Roy Caulder.
It’s enough to confirm my first impression was correct. This asshole is dangerous.
When our eyes meet again though, his expression couldn’t be blander. “Of course,” he says in a friendly voice. “You’ve got your rules, and I wouldn’t expect you to break them for me.”
“Thanks for your understanding.” I make an effort to smile. “Now if we do start a Replacidin trial for hyperhidrosis in the future, I promise you’ll be the first person to get a call.”
“I’d appreciate that.” Caulder extends his hand, which I accept after a moment’s hesitation. “Until then," he adds, "let’s just go with the Botox. That works pretty well, right?”
“Absolutely.” I back away toward the door to make my escape. “Botox cuts down the sweating for six months, on average. If you’re interested, I’ll be happy to set up that treatment for you.”
Caulder nods decisively. “Let’s do it.”
“Okay,” I agree, reaching for the doorknob. “Why don’t we talk to my receptionist about fitting you into my schedule? I should have something available next week.”
Caulder’s jaw drops. “You mean we’re not doing the treatment now?”
“I’m sorry.” I open the door to signal this visit is over. “I’d like to accommodate you, but there’s simply no time. As a courtesy, I saw you during my lunch break, which ended…” I check my wristwatch. “Five minutes ago.”
Caulder's cheeks flush red. “But that’s not acceptable!" he rants. "I don’t have the time to come back! Just tell me, how much do you normally charge for the treatment?”
“One thousand dollars. That covers the injection fee and one vial of Botox, but –”
“So what if we double that? You know, call it a rush delivery fee.”
“I’m sorry, but that wouldn’t be fair to my other patients. They’re already waiting –”
“Fine! Then add another zero!”
That gets my attention.
“You want to pay me ten thousand dollars?” I repeat slowly. “For a one thousand dollar procedure.”
“If that’s what it takes.” He reaches for his wallet. “You’ll have to accept a check, but I can assure you I’m good for it. Just Google the name Roy Caulder.”
I shift my weight from foot to foot, imagining how Nina would react to this insane offer. Part of me wishes she were in the room to hear what I’m about to say.
“That won’t be necessary. One thousand dollars is the price. I’ll try to squeeze you in as soon as possible, but that’s the best I can offer. Now if you’ll excuse me…” I take a step into the hallway. “I have scheduled patients to see.”
Roy Caulder considers my answer for a long moment before slowly pocketing his wallet. “Well, I suppose I should respect your integrity,” he announces with more than a trace of sarcasm. “That’s the sign of a good doctor, right? Must be why Bree’s been coming in to see you so often.”
“Glad to help.” I give him a quick head bob before turning to leave.
“Funny thing is,” he calls after me, “I was beginning to think she might be seeing you for reasons that aren’t strictly... professional. How batshit crazy is that?”
Despite the edgy laughter that follows, the words sound more like a warning than a joke.
*****
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Hey Gray, that was really good, and Roy Caulder is a villain's villain, a borderline-psycho who's used to getting what he wants when he wants it. And when he let the cat out of the bag, concerning his trophy wife, it was as though he hoped she and Dr. Jake were fooling around. How bad is that?!
So anyway..." he announces, running his fingers through closely cropped hair. *bit of an echo, since you already noted "his closely cropped jet-black hair a few paragraphs ago.
He reaches into his wallet to pull out a thick wad of cash.
My eyes move to the money clip of hundred-dollar bills. *do rich dudes carry their money clips in their wallets?
*This is a really good story, and the fact that it has a topsy-turvy storyline just makes it even better for me. Now I don't have to wonder who-did-it--which I rarely do--and can watch the plot as it unfolds. Lt. Columbo I never claimed to be:)
later, nathan
Hi Gray,
Lately, Nina has been running her husband’s practice as if it were a trendy night club, with her hand controlling the velvet rope.***<<<loved this!!
I see you have Nathan reading now. He's such a nice guy and very helpful.
Okay, for me...and again, it's probably just me, Caluder's last remark seemed a little over the top. I'd think he'd be more vague and not just blurt it out. Maybe even leave it at his first remark with some type of sinister tone..."why she's coming to see you so much" or even throw in a remark how she can't stop talking about her visits. He's already mentioned it, so just play that up a bit. That, in my mind, would make him come across more crazy and dangerous.
Other than that, I love it. I really like the way you're showing the slow progression of attraction Jake is feeling. I think most times, that's how it is. It starts as a whisper and builds to a roar. So, good job there.
You know I'm of no help with the grammar and punctuation. I'll leave that to Nathan because he's good at it.
~Ann
Gray....Really loved this chapter and the build up you gave it. Love the reference to the shark's fin. Caulder really is a shark in every sense. Again, the dialogue was realistic and moved forward. I felt like I was eavesdropping outside the office door.
I thought the end line was perfect. It was just enough to show that we are dealing with a psycho here. Now we have to wonder, what did he really come for and how fast can we get rid of him. Looking forward to reading more. I also will be posting another chapter, so give it a look. I value your input.....thanks....Denise
Hello Gray,
Another nice smooth read, thank you for posting! : )
Roy is a good villain, albeit to cardboard-y. I'm happy you're showing him through Jake's eyes; I think you can do this all the way, maintain your 1pp POV, and it'll be really really good without those pesky shifts. : )
Got a few questions:
Would Roy be wearing his overcoat inside?
Wouldn't Nina book enough time, and a heads- up to Jake, to inject him with either drug?
Injections don't take that long (an extra 15 minutes?) that Jake would make an enemy, knowing Roy is a badass - why not treat him? Everyone waits for their doctors (no offense), so why wouldn't Jake just take care of him?
Drug dealers and rappers carry wads of cash. I'm not sure this guy would.
I suspect his warning to Jake about Bree would be more oblique, and not so direct.
" Speaking ill of Nina is like questioning the supreme leader in North Korea; you never know which one of your neighbors will rat you out for being a traitor." >> lol, love this!
: )
Terri
The chapter begins the read like murky dangerous waters.
The way the eyes of a shark stares at you, you know?
Oooh, and there is a reference to what I just wrote!
Awesome! Love this line = glimpse of the real
Roy Caulder.
Love the end, great hook.
Jake, you shoulda done it for free......you really should.
Hello, this chapter serves to show the reader that Roy Caulder is even more of a bad guy than Jake's earlier interaction indicated. You do a great job of making him an all round unsavory and sinister character and you end chapter with a not so subtle threat. So that moves things ahead nicely.
There is another aspect of this chapter that I don't thinks is so good. It is the continuing use of patients shoved into Jake's schedule by Nina. I realize you need Roy to be a shoehorned in patient, but I don't think you should continue to use this ploy. Nina and Al have dumped all the extra work from the trial on Jake, they should be backing off on these extra patients for their own self-interest.
Loved all the testosterone in this chapter...what a creep Roy is.
Your pacing is great, each chapter adds just that bit that keeps you guessing, what next? Now I'm wondering if Bree really did a turnaround. In the first chapter she was so adamant about calling Jake out for how he treated her. And now Jake just treated Roy more or less the same way, right? Refusing treatment for ethical reasons...Is Jake being set up? I'm binge reading now...like watching a Netflix full season in one day..or oh! like reading a book.
Simi
Good tension and pacing. These characters are great. The velvet rope image made me laugh!
You're doing a great job giving us his thoughts. Liked when Jake was tempted with that extra zero.
Also liked how he told Roy to wait his turn. I didn't know what that hyper word meant. I thought of looking it up. Maybe an explanation thrown in would be helpful.
A lot of your readers use Botox so if this new treatment lasts longer than Botox, women esp. will be thrilled. Good read. T Cat
Hey, Gray - Another smooth chapter and another look at Roy Caulder, who undoubtedly will be the villain of the story.
Regarding Jake's non-reply to Caulder's implication at the end, I thought this wasn't right. Caulder had, in effect, suggested some ulterior motives for the patient-physician relationship between Mrs. Caulder and Jake. Such a jibe at Jake's ethical behavior should demand a response from him, IMO. At least a, "What do you mean by that, Mr. Caulder?" Make the big man explain himself. Jake's non-response gives a little credence to the charge. Okay, Jake has been thinking along those lines and may feel a little guilty for "lusting in his heart," but he needs to confront such an insinuation, in my view. Nip it in the bud before there's a Medical Board inquiry!
You're setting up the developing conflicts well - professionally and romantically.
Take care,
Jack
This chapter, though well written, feels a little unnecessary to me. Though admittedly, if I had a choice between keeping this chapter or keeping the earlier look inside Roy’s POV, I’d choose this one because it contains far more relative action. But the bottom line is some of the information is beginning to have a cyclical feel—like we’ve been here before. For example:
We saw Roy’s negative personality in action during a telephone call he made to Jake in an earlier chapter. The potential for jealousy/control wasn’t implied, it was explicit. This established Roy and his personality traits well. Then we got a look into his head and had the very same notions reestablished, furthered a little, and etched in stone. Then we saw Briana’s sudden change in ‘character’ when she asked Jake to keep her medical records private—which furthered the whole jealousy/control establishment a little more. So then this chapter comes, and because it doesn’t forward, alter, or even discount what we already know about Roy, I find myself wondering why it’s needed. The information here, in other words, feels needlessly stalled.
Also, I know I’ve mentioned this before but I keep sensing it so I thought it might help to elaborate. A lot of your narrative is at arm’s length and not intimate enough to warrant the front row seat inside someone’s head. One of the things that might help you with a remedy for this is reading up on the role ‘Filtering” plays in first person narrative. "Filtering": I see, I hear, I think, etc. is a common problem. We as writers can forget that since our characters are narrating the story, it's intrinsic that everything he/she describes is going to be through their senses, thoughts or memory. We as writers don’t need to complicate that information by further filtering. Doing so can slow the pace of the read, and create distance.
For example: (taken from a blog because I’m too lazy to create my own filtered phrases)
(with filter phrase) I can feel the roughness of the canvas beneath my fingers, and it reminds me of Mom’s jacket.
(without filter phrase) The canvas is rough beneath my fingers — just like Mom’s jacket.
(with filter phrase) He looks furious with his eyes bulging and lips pressed thin.
(without filter phrase) His eyes bulge and his lips press thin. He’s furious.
There are times we do need to know what a character is feeling or wondering so some filtering is warranted. Hopefully reading up on it will help you understand the difference.
Don’t be disheartened, I am enjoying the read in spite of my comments. There is some excellent writing on display throughout this novel, and with just a few mechanical tweaks, this sucker will shine! Hopefully some of these suggestions are helpful to that end.
Good afternoon Gray,
Poor Jake, he gets tested from all angles...! Caulder is one guy where nothing good will happen, I fear.... Put him in the same pot with Nina and Al, and yikes, venomous asshole soup...!
It's easy to see how Bree and Jake could get together, but ooooh, not a good idea...
Enjoying your book and look forward to reading more.... Happy Day * Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Gray,
When I read your stuff, I sometimes forget that I am critiquing and not just reading. I do remind myself when I see books sitting on my bookshelf that I want to read, that I am reading novels, just chapter by chapter.
And a good read it is. I was fascinated by Linda Lee's comments on "filtering." I have to agree with her that changing that could really add dimension to Jake's thoughts.
Loved the "trendy nightclub" and "velvety rope." Also the reference to "speaking ill of Nina" and the "Korean leader." Nice job of describing Caulder.
I kind of agree with the suggestion that maybe Jake shouldn't go all ethical twice--once about the Replacidin and again with not making time for him to give him the injection. I think someone referred to all the testosterone floating around and making that concession, with some inner thoughts about giving in, might relieve the testosterone display.
Jake did acknowledge that with "the Alpha male display."
A shark in murky waters said it all.
Well done, great dialogue.
All About Connection
It's another good chapter although I'm left feeling a little empty - like eating at McDonald's. Not much really happened to advance the story. We know Caulder's a jerk. He seems to have some connection to the medicine but we don't know what. Does he really have sweating problems or was it just a ruse? Hopefully we found it in later chapters. By unless this chapter is significant in the book, I'd consider deleting it.
Author
Reply
Hi Cobber! Thanks for your honest take on this. I wanted Jake and Roy to meet and have a bit of a pissing contest / testosterone thing going, but this would probably be better as a shorter scene tacked onto the next chapter. I'll see how I can work that... Thanks for reading on! Gray
Hello, Gray. OY. Now that was a scare...a bizarre experience and a jarring one for Jake. I would've very likely caved and said, "Sure thing, Mr. Caulder! In fact, no charge!" So now I'm wondering if and when Jake will be heading to Boston, lol. Maybe Caulder's little visit will play a part if Jake scratches the Boston thing... Or maybe there's something nastier in store for Jake over the next couple of chapters...
Riveting, Gray. VERY riveting!!
Peace,
Mike
Author
Reply
Glad to see this is still holding your interest, Mike. Means a lot to have you on board with the read and reviews. Thanks for giving this so much of your time and interest! G
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Nathan B. Childs