Saturday, June 12, Boston Public Garden
The Jogger
He circled again, just another jogger out for a late morning run. So easy to blend into the scenery in a crowded place like this. Then again, he may as well have been sitting a few feet away from his current target. The guy was that fucking clueless.
Getting closer now, he slowed his pace and picked a bench in the shade. He sat down, hands on knees as if thoroughly winded, then smiled at the elderly couple sitting next to him. The silver-haired woman returned his greeting, commenting about the beautiful weather, how the local forecasters had blown it today. New England was like that, he agreed. You never could tell.
As he spoke though, his eyes moved past her, always roaming and watching. Taking notes.
Such a sweet sight, really. The doctor and his kids were getting some quality family time in the park. The scene belonged in a syrupy TV commercial: adorable little girl and toddler brother, jumping and climbing all over the duckling statuettes, daddy duck just one step behind, hovering protectively, always there to catch them if they fell.
Well, Dad, you can’t protect them forever. The world’s a dangerous place.
Sure enough, the girl picked that moment to dart away, skipping across the lawn. His eyes followed her toward the lagoon, always tracking, taking more notes.
Little firecracker, he registered. An independent spirit, even at such a tender age. Baby duckling, so eager to strike out on her own.
She’d be such an easy target, if the need ever arose.
For someone like him, they all would be.
After watching for another minute, the jogger rose and wished his neighbors a pleasant day, then slipped on his earphones, Nine Inch Nails blaring as his powerful leg muscles kicked back into motion.
*****
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Hey Gray,
Looks like Roy has Jake and his family under surveillance. And you just ratcheted up the suspense with his interest in the children. When the jogger comments on the weather, you might use quotation marks, cuz it sounds like he responded: "New England was/is like that," he agreed. "You never could/can tell."
take care,
nathan
Hi Gray,
Ah-oh, now you've added a new twist and a good one. I guess this guy will be connected to Caulder and Bree somehow. At this point, I don't have a clue why Jake would be a target for anyone. Mild, mannered, doctor of rashes.
My only thought would be it has something to do with his bosses and the study, but that would steer me away from Caulder and Bree...so...very good job here keeping the reader in the dark of where this is going.
~Ann
Hi Gray,
SO you know where I'm at with POV swaps. Jake sees a jogger, notices forced casual behavior, gets goosebumps spotting a predatory look in the guy's eyes when Emma runs past...
I assume Roy is having Jake's family watched, unless he has a PI tracking Jake's moves. Which, presumably, would explain the vandalism to Jake's car - the PI was tracking him to the coffee shop with Bree.
I assume Bree has been beaten again, as a result?
: )
Terri
Gray....Moved onto the next chapter and again enjoyed. I like how you write the tension here, and I really get the feel of him watching and spying on Jake and his family. Creepy how he blended in and yet so real, as it would be in a crowded park. I see there has been some discrepancy about the POV change, but I still think it works. Of course, I am not a professional, JMHO.....Happy writing....Denise
Arg! Another short chapter which makes it difficult to complete a review with fifty gosh dern words.
I would recommend having these POV swaps be more treats than interludes.
Reason = they are so well written, and so I am of the opinion to keep em rare and wonderful.
Moving on!
okay, but why???
I'm not getting why Caulder, a master of the universe who is about the become The Master of the Universe, would go to such great lengths to harass a puny family man dermatologist over an insignificant slight. So...that isn't the reason? What is? I'm loving this more and more, as Jake is in their headlights, for a not yet apparent reason. And he's such a decent guy, with all these angry women, (not least of all his 5 year old daughter) disapproving of him. So far, his only buds are his old college roommate and the perky golden retriever nurse....
What next?
Okay, it's good to make these third person past tense intrusions short but this one is very short. It has real sinister overtones (suggestion of ease of kidnapping the little girl, for example) but I'm puzzled. Why does someone (Caulder?) want to go to the effort of tailing Jake? Is it significant that he's listening to Nine Inch Nails? My daughter liked them at one point, maybe I should have been paying more attention, if they are preferred band of a sinister guy like this jogger.
p.s. I went to the library and got out a James Patterson novel.
I'm not a huge fan of this short. I get that you are sorely needing to ratchet the tension up again but this didn't really do it for me.
I think the main reason why is first, I'm not a fan of using this vague POV switch purely as a tension device. And it just doesn't feel a little like a device, it screams DEVICE to me. Second, the story itself (the underlying tension) doesn't feel large, or perhaps fleshed enough yet to warrant this kind of thing happening.
Onward I go.
Hey, Gray - Again with the POV change angst from reviewers (I peeked). I see no problem with it, dude. But you might consider tacking this chapter onto the last one after a break. I'm not assuming (or, like some reviewers, even suggesting a criticism) that Caulder is behind the jogger's surveillance. I'm going with the flow, man! :) Clean - but too short! - chapter, and one that ratchets up the tension.
Take care,
Jack
Hi Gray,
Yikes... The plot thickens with the jogger... Makes you wonder what exactly is he up to...??
Very short chapter, but a quite a bit going on, from the jogger to the old couple to watching the little girl and the speculative innuendo...
You are really pulling the suspense together....Good jog...
Take Care... Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Gray,
What a compelling chapter. Short, but not sweet. I liked the way you summarized the conversation with the couple.
I was ready for more. I'll just have to read the next chapter.
Glad you're back on the scene. I, too, have been absent of late. Not back to full speed for another couple of weeks.
All About Connection
I'm not convinced that you need this chapter. We have a sense of something not quite being right and danger lurking and I rather looked the non-specificity of it. As a reader, I'm curious about the relationship with Brianna and how it's going to play out. Also about the technology. I just feel this chapter is a bit cliche and a tangent. But let me read on. My opinion may change.
Author
Reply
This chapter was added to ramp up the tension, and to introduce a "mystery" character who will become more involved as the story progresses. The reader is supposed to wonder if the "Jogger" is really Roy Caulder or someone else. That said, I'm not sure this short chapter works. One of the problems with my multiple POV approach is that some of these chapters flow better than others. Thanks for the feedback! Gray
Hello, Gray. Well, it quite stands to reason that the jogger is working for RC. RC isn't in Boston. Yep, kidnap Jake's wife and kids. I recall that easily enough from the the first chapter, the prologue. And of course Jake'll be joining 'em.
By any chance did you partially base Roy Caulder on Roy Cohn? THAT RC I don't know a great deal about, but I've heard bits and pieces about him. Mostly unsavory things.
Moving along at a nice clip, Gray.
Peace,
Mike
Author
Reply
Interested to see you thinking the Jogger is working for RC. Some of my readers assumed he's RC stalking Jake incognito. I tried to make this ambiguous, so I hope it's working. Either way, this short chapter was intended to ramp up the tension. G
Hi Gray,
I'm on a mission to cut your book in half. No, not really, but you might think so, because I don't think you need this chapter either. There's tension in the main plot. Maybe you can have Jake notice the guy or have a feeling of being watched being paranoid about Roy, or something like that, but although this is a well-written, creepy chapter, not sure it's necessary. I'm not positive of course, because I haven't read the whole thing, so I reserve the right to change my mind. :)
Lauren
Author
Reply
The Jogger comes into play later, but he's another POV I'm not sure how to handle. At this point, it's supposed to be vague whether he's Caulder or someone else. I kind of made a mess of this POV thing and I'm not sure how to get out of it without tearing everything down, so your feedback really helps. This needs more than a book doctor. It needs a book trauma surgeon. So far, you're doing a great job.
Gray
No
Nathan B. Childs