Saturday night, June 12, Back Bay
The Jogger
The black Escalade with tinted windows sat in an alley off Dartmouth Street, lurking in the darkness like a fat spider in its lair.
From his vantage point inside, the jogger, now dressed for the night in a navy turtleneck and jeans, could just barely make out the top floors of the Fairmont Copley. He turned his attention back to the video screen, thinking of the time she’d taken him to the same luxury hotel, only hours after their introduction. It had been lust at first sight. Just thinking of the things he’d done to her that night now filled him with violent desire. And watching her in real-time doing them with someone else…
That filled him with something much darker.
He stared at the damning proof, streaming to him live through the darkness, and clenched his fists to contain the building rage.
Fucking slut.
He needed to channel this feeling, to bottle it for later use, when the time was right.
Because one thing seemed certain now. The opportunity to use that rage would come. He’d win her back, and he’d do it standing over the broken body of that little fuck.
He focused once more on the green-tinted night vision image. She was in profile now, her perfect breasts rubbing up and down against her partner’s chest, rhythmically moving with the rest of her flawless body. He changed to camera two – this one mounted above the bedroom mirror frame. A panoramic shot, it showed her from behind, back slightly arched, rocking up and down like a boogie boarder riding the swells. Slowly, he panned in, following the sensual curve of her spine, enjoying the elegant slope of her hips, the way her hair spilled over her shoulders and back, the way her winged stripper's tattoo drew attention to her sexiest feature: the small dimple that dipped invitingly, just inches above her perfect ass.
My ass, he thought with fury, remembering how she’d blown him off earlier. Did she really think casting him aside would be so easy? Well, she’d be getting a reality check soon enough.
He unzipped his jeans. Reached downward. Shivering with anticipation, he panned the camera back with his free hand until he’d found the perfect angle, knowing every second was being recorded for future enjoyment. Over the next few days, he’d have the chance to replay the scene, again and again.
With a few minor adjustments.
Closing his eyes, he pictured himself approaching the presidential suite, key card in hand. He saw himself opening the door with a satisfying click, then entering the room’s dark interior. Inside now, he imagined creeping silently through the foyer, ears attuned to the soft sounds of tousled sheets and moaning coming from the bedroom. When he inhaled, he could almost smell the musky scent of sweat in the air.
.22 Baretta with silencer in hand, he’d find them in the middle of the act. He could practically hear the bullet spitting free, tearing a hole through the little fucker’s head before he even knew what had happened. She’d roll out from under the body, naked skin now blood-spattered, eyes rippling with terror when she saw him standing there.
Slowly, he’d pull off the ski mask to reveal himself.
The best part would be the look on her face at that moment of recognition.
Or maybe it would be what came next.
*****
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Oooooh, Gray. This is good. I could feel the rage and tension. A few chapters back, I thought the guy following them was hired by her husband...or maybe she and the husband were in it together for some reason...but now, this sounds like someone who once "had" her and then got dumped. So...good job on keeping me confused and guessing!!
He focused once more on the green-tinted night vision image....... Slowly, he panned in, following the sensual curve of her spine, enjoying the elegant slope of her hips, the way her hair spilled over her shoulders and back, the way her winged stripper’s tattoo***this is called a tramp stamp...so would he call it that or just describe it? Seems to me, he'd call it that.
He unzipped his jeans. Reached downward. ***Is he masturbating here? If so, shouldn't he be climaxing at some point...or is my mind permanently in the gutter? He goes from reaching inside his unzipped jeans to fantasizing about surprising them in the act and killing them. I'd think that alone would get him off...the sick perv! I may know that guy. LOL.
That's all I got. This chapter really amps up the thriller part of the story. Way to go.
~Ann
Hey Gray,
Ah, a great twist in the plot. So Bree seems to have more to worry about than her jealous hubby. And this guy has a masterkey to the rooms in this upscale hotel. And Bree has used this room before, apparently. That's interesting, making me think good ol' Roy uses this room too, and that gives her free access. It sounds like Jake's premonition about him paying with his life with this enchanting young woman is about to happen.
..in a navy (turtleneck) and jeans.
..like a boogie boarder riding the swells. *great imagery.
..the way her WINGED TRAMP STAMP drew attention to her sexiest feature: the small dimple that dipped invitingly, just inches above her perfect ass. *is that a tattoo?
My ass, he though(t) with fury.
..ears attuned to the soft sounds of tousled sheets... *not sure tousled works here as an adjective, maybe tousling sheets or rumpling sheets.
Silenced gun in hand... *sounds off, maybe name the gun: i.e. a .22 Baretta with a silencer. I've read this is a favored weapon of the Mossad, when it comes to asassinations
later, nathan
Hi Gray,
Backkk...
OK I'll skip the POV comments - you know where I stand.
I don't think this is so R-rated, personally. Or maybe I'm immune from being offended, lol.
The creepy stalker guy sounds like Roy, but that would be too weird. Or maybe the Neanderthal guy.
No, this isn't too intense. In fact, I think you could amp it up even higher...
: )
Terri
Yeah, I am going with my suggestion on making these chapters more rare.
Reason = with what is revealed about the husband (though I have some doubts) the reader can conclude she is being watched already.
If the nature of being watched is hinted on in previous chapters, if Jake is put into a position where he feels he is protecting Bree.....
"From what?" The reader would ask.
Ah, how much more easy it is to fear the unknown eh?
Onward!
Gray....Perfect dark, scary chapter. JP was definitely with you on that one....lol Was wondering, do you watch "Magic City" by chance. There was a scene in last season that was similar in that the crazy husband likes to watch while his wife services her lover. Seems it does something for him and that is the exact feel I got with this piece. It may have been short, but it was very effective....Denise
again, perfect. I think I stopped breathing while reading it. Just the right length, capturing the mood, the scene, the tension. Is this the guy she blew off at the club? Is this another different thread, unrelated to the husband and the drug trial? How are all these going to come together? At this point, I don't really care how, I just want to read more.
Excellent. Seriously excellent.
Okay, great tension, great description of Jake and Briana having sex told from the joggers pov, but it leaves me with questions about the jogger. I presume you (in your James Patterson persona) have the answers. Jogger is obviously stalking Briana (he had her room fixed up with cameras), but you also had him stalking Jake a few chapters back. If he is working on his own why would have known about Jake? But if he is not on his own, who is he working for? Roy Caulder? or Al and Nina? Another question. Briana obviously knows this guy and would have recognized him in the club in the last chapter. Why did she not say anything to Jake about that or react in any way when he tried to cut in?
One little point from the text.
<.22 Baretta with silencer in hand, he’d find them in the middle of the act. He could practically hear the bullet spitting free, tearing a hole through the little fucker’s head before he even knew what had happened.> My understanding of guns is very limited but as I understand it, a bullet from a .22 would enter but not go through the skull.
My previous comments about the need to see from this POV stand.
Putting that aside, I think there is some nice tension in this. But again, I think there are key motivational things that are being skipped over needlessly.
If this isn't a run of the mill thug hired by Roy to watch over Bri, or keep tabs on Jake-then I think you might want to consider giving him more attention from a characterization perspective. The all knowing dark and evil stranger lurking in the shadows in a ski mask is rather cliché, and the logistical questions this chapter posed are a little too much of a leap for this to feel solidly realistic to me.
Using night vision goggles to peer into a downtown luxury hotel presidential suite is probably impossible from a logistical standpoint. He’s in a car on the street. Those downtown hotels are tall. A suite is generally a high, if not the highest floor. A presidential suite would likely be the ultimate in terms of safety and privacy.
So with that in mind, knowing which suite she was staying in isn’t that far of a reach if he knows her as well as he intimates. But gaining access to rig cameras ahead of time, or seeing it through street level goggles is a stretch to believe (unless we saw how he did it). Plus, the convenience factor of his knowing all her moves, and being one step ahead of her with all this equipment feels a little too contrived for me to totally buy into the realism of it.
I haven’t looked ahead to see if you are going to go back into Jake’s POV for the hotel room scene, but knowing they are there and finding this out from the dark lurking stranger—I feel a little cheated from seeing how this extended encounter came together. Maybe that'll change when I read the next chapter :)
Food for rewrite thought. The writing itself remains strong.
Hey, Gray - An interesting development here, which raises some questions. Is this Briana's room - that she had when visiting her friends in Boston? If so, the stalker could have known that and somehow managed to gain entrance and set up the surveillance cameras. But . . . if Briana has led Jake to a room, not hers, then this means she is in on whatever is going on. And the jogger has not just been following Bree around, but also Jake. What's his motivation? Who does he work for, if anyone? Her husband? Is Bree promiscuous, or is this part of a scheme? Blackmail? I like these unknowns you've established in this chapter!
Compared to some of the sexual stuff I've written, this is pretty tame! :) So no worries there!
Take care,
Jack
Hi Gray,
Another good tension builder... And, you do have the thriller part down when it comes to the jogger - the dude has serious issues in more ways than one...!
For this day and age, the F-bombs aren't all that offending since it gets tossed around a lot; people have gotten used to it, I think, like using damn or darn or hell; it just is my friend... Great chapter..... On to the next... Happy Day * Keep Smilin'..... Jax
I'm assuming this is here husband Roy. His thoughts are very similar to the megalomania he exhibited in previous chapters. Which is good.
Overall, good chapter. The sex scene was fine, and the chapter was not too intense. Does such a thing exist? Go for the intensity. Ratched it up until the reader can't take it anymore.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Author
Reply
Hi Cobber! Glad to say this wasn't too intense. I'm still not sure how many of these "non-Jake" POV chapters I'm going to keep; for now, the "Jogger" could or could not be Roy Caulder, and I'm hoping that confusion will remain until the climax of the novel. Take care, Gray
Hello, Gray. Hey man, that first sentence is awesome!! And what do ya know...apparently, the "creep" at the club IS our warmhearted jogger:-) "Pleased to meet you...hope you guessed my name..." I expect that his hotheadedness will ruin his plans...he'll wipe out somehow... Yes, the sexual content is strong, yet it is not over-the-top...to me, this story is mostly a thriller...still, if it's, say, 18% romance, is that wrong? I don't think this story, as it is, would slow down or disappoint too many readers. I really think this is another one to point toward publishers. I'm no expert, Gray, but as far as I'm concerned, this reads PLENTY good enough, and I'm not even halfway through!! Again, I'm not a topflight critic, but I've done plenty of fiction reading, and I think I know what works...:-)
CHEERS!!
Mike
Author
Reply
You've got some good intuition about the Jogger, Mike. I think you're onto something. As for getting this published, I guess I could shoot for a small publishing house, but I shopped this around to agents a few years ago and got a few nibbles but failed to hook anyone. I think the mixture of family stuff/romance and suspense put the interested ones off, and the rest probably didn't get past my query. Alas, it ain't easy to go the traditional publishing route. Gray
This was really good in upping the tension. I assumed the Jogger was someone hired by Roy.... now this appears to be a crazy stalker following Briana.
Connected or not to Roy? I'm guessing not working for Roy, because Briana pulled the same thing with him looks like, and he wouldn't be fantasizing about his boss's wife?
Or is the Jogger actually Roy?
Very curious to read and find out.
These Jogger blurbs are working very well for me, they're doing a great job bringing urgency and danger to the story. Introducing a threat that both Jake and Briana seem unaware of, but the reader knows more.
The fact that this guy comes across as unhinged and scary just adds a whole lot of urgency.
Great job!
Author
Reply
You’re asking all the right questions. The identity of the jogger and his motives are intentionally vague right now, but hopefully they will become clear and make sense by the story’s climax. I’m not sure I’ll be able to remove these additional POVs, since the plot kind of hinges on them, so I’m glad to hear you don’t find them to be too jarring and distracting so far. Thanks for reading on, and for the encouraging feedback! —Gray
No
Ann Everett