Tuesday, 6:15 p.m., Bedford Street, Stamford
Erin Shea
Erin Shea picked up her pace, speed-walking across the shadowed lawn of the First Congregational Church. Less than a block away now, the glowing marquee of the Avon Theatre beckoned. She could already hear the buzz of activity coming from the bustling sidewalks of Bedford Street.
She breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that if she screamed for help now, at least someone would hear her.
Not that her life had ever been in real danger. She knew she was overreacting. Her Midwestern family had always made fun of her for being so high-strung – a border collie in a family of basset hounds. Her three older brothers had all married and settled down within blocks of their childhood home in Ann Arbor, while she'd jumped from coast to coast, from relationship to relationship.
Well, this past week had been a wake-up call. If she made it through unscathed, she’d be home in time for Mom and Dad’s Fourth of July barbecue. She’d go back to school at the U of M to get an advanced nursing degree, maybe find a good-natured boyfriend without so many issues. Life would be simple again.
She’d move on, without looking back.
Her heart jumped when she saw the homeless man. He sat on a park bench directly in her path, eyes roaming vacantly. She was about to skirt around him when she noticed a young couple approaching. They were holding hands and laughing, heading in her direction so that the timing would be perfect. She wouldn’t have to pass through the small, tree-shrouded island of Latham Park alone.
Relaxing a little, she tried to focus on her plan. Trusting Jake had definitely been the right call. He was the only person who would understand her situation, who wouldn’t question her honesty or motives. That medical examiner who’d been calling her non-stop would have been suspicious right away, especially when she found out about the money.
God, the money! Just thinking about it now made Erin tremble. It had magically appeared in her bank account, only a few hours after the incident, just like he’d said it would. Enough money to pay for nursing school – or medical school, if she chose to go that route. Erin had never dreamed she’s see so many zeros in her bank account, which usually hovered in the five-hundred dollar range.
She closed her eyes, remembering his warning: All you have to do in return is use your good judgment. Don’t make unnecessary problems for yourself.
It hadn’t been the words themselves that had terrified her. It had been the way he’d said them – like a bedside intruder in the dead of night, whispering menacing words into her ear.
Wincing from the memory, she lengthened her stride. Jake would help her to see things more clearly. Just thinking about their recent phone conversation put her mind at ease. Once she told him everything, he’d know exactly what to do. He’d help her to end this nightmare.
By the time she reached the curb, she was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear the urgent squeal of tires. Or the warning cries from the young couple behind her.
Eyes cast downward, she stepped into the crosswalk.
Turned.
Looked up.
Just in time to see the glare of headlights bearing down on her.
*****
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Hi Gray,
Wouldn't an influx of money into Erin's account be easily traced, even to a Cayman account (which would be ridiculously suspicious?)?
I dunno, this chapter didn't work for me - not tense enough. Maybe the POV, maybe the abundance of telling. Also very predictable.
Why not have Erin be hostile to Jake after Clark's death, like she's worried he's implicating her? Get Jake all flustered and increasingly deserted, since she was his mainstay? Then she shows up dead, with a huge amount of cash - not in her accounts, but back with her mom or siblings, that Jake uncovers? Or maybe they have short positions in Pulsar that show up in their IRAs?
Something less obvious - because you are rushing again! And your story is wayyy to good to rush!!
: )
Terri
Hi Gray,
You are leading us to the obvious conclusion, but I'm expecting a surprise ending. Since she's referring to the mystery man as "he" that makes us think it's going to the Caulder....but what about the head honcho at the clinic? Maybe he stands to gain something from the foreign purchase that was mentioned. Since the bad guy must be introduced early in the story, he is the only other possible candidate I can think of. But I'm old, so I may have forgotten someone. I'll just have to wait and see.
Poor Erin. Looks like she won't be home for the BBQ after all!!
~Ann
Hey Gray,
If she gets hit/killed by a hit-and-run driver in a busy intersection, I'm thinking I won't feel much empathy for her. I barely know the woman, other than she's Jake's right-hand-man, a loyal employee with a sunny disposition. But of course you only alluded to the car bearing down on her, so several things could take place. The people in the car could abduct her, or they could mow her down in the intersection. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. Loved the metaphor: A border collie in a family of basset hounds. *knowing those two breeds, you couldn't have picked better examples. And this line, too: a bedside intruder in the dead of night, whispering menacing words into her ear.
They were holding hands and laughing, heading in her direction so that the timing would be perfect. *"so that the timing would be perfect" sounds off.
take care, nathan
No....I know that in my last review I made some comment about Erin surviving, but is she really going to die. Things are getting more and more dire...and she was/is really his only hope. Even if he tells about her call, why would anyone believe him, especially when he's up against such major players. So it will have to be Bree/Kristy to help him? Or will Jess figure it out. But how, she doesn't have all the pieces...unless there's some paper trail that she uncovers???
Almost all caught up, but I think the story isn't about to end.
Gray...another great suspenseful chapter. Love the line, "a border collie in a family of bassett hounds." That is priceless. Never heard that one before. Love it. You again drew a very good cliffhanger and made me want to read forward. My only nit was that I felt the paragraph with the homeless man could have a little more tension. Maybe shorter sentences. With everything leading up to the car bearing down on her. Great job...Denise
Hi,
This one gets s bit confusing, in as much as in the beginning Erin sounds' like she's going to get out of this mess, go back to school, get a boyfriend, be a good little girl,,,,,,,,,,,,,,then her bank account suddenly swells... Hmmmmmmmmmmm, so I still see Caulder written all over this or perhaps Jake's boss in this up to his garbonza beans...! Hmmmm...???
Miss Erin is still a mystery and you still have us guessing..... Good job..!
Happy Writing * Keep Smilin' ... Jax
Hello Gray, third chapter tonight and maybe i should stop because I seem to be getting negative. I don't think it is a good idea to have a chapter from Erin's POV because I think it is a cheat (like the narrator in one of the Agatha Christie stories who turned out to be the murderer) to have her going down the road thinking about the situation without once thinking the name of the bad guy (Caulder or whoever, my money is on Dr. Al Greengauge). It may be better to dump this chapter and just have Jake observe the hit and run as he rushes to meet her (presumably in the next chapter).
Hey, Gray - If Erin gets killed here, this was one hell of a tease chapter, one that you don't need the POV switch for, IMO. Jake then would not know about the money, but we would, and I don't think we need to at this point. It's implied already in the last chapter. And, of course, he, like the reader, will also not know who the mystery man is. So nothing will have been accomplished except for disappointing the reader. If Erin isn't killed, then well, never mind. :)
- Her [M](m)idwestern family had always made fun... {If Erin is killed, this backstory is irrelevant, though I did like the border collie/basset hound analogy. :) }
- [five-hundred] (five hundred) dollar range
Take care,
Jack
Back again.
I may be a little fuzzy on the finer details but other than a question about the pov switch, it actually works for me. Though, to be fair, if she dies in the next chapter, I might have to change my mind because it does have the somewhat clichéd feel of a famous last words scene.
I am remembering that you are playing with several pov choices in the novel. And as I read through the reviews for this one, I think I might have to agree with the reviewer who suggested to keep things in Jake’s pov and have him witness whatever is about to happen. Similar information could come out if she lives long enough to tell Jake. Then again, she may not be injured. She could be kidnapped.
I’ll reserve commenting further until I know.
Take care
LeeAnn
I'd ax this chapter. Of you have Jake waiting to meet her and show it from his POV you can accomplish the same thing. IMO this chapter doesn't accomplish enough, unless she survives which I doubt.
The writing is great though. Couple of classic lines. You have the voice of a pro. It's a talent.
Author
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Thanks for the honest opinion, Cobber. You're right -- this chapter can go. I'll cut it and present Erin's "hit" through Jake's POV as he revisits the aftermath, if I ever get around to my next revision.
Hello, Gray. Yes. That was coming...She was in the barrel... You kept things very tense as I observed her and felt her high anxiety. There was no escape, obviously, and Jake's pretty much in the barrel, as well.
It makes sense to me that someone - or some people(likely the CME and those wisecracking detectives) - will discover Caulder's agenda, by hook or by crook. Jake'll obviously play a part and RC will be running on high octane spazola. And then he and his chums will get hold of the Goodwins. I shall see:-)
I'm off to the next one...
Peace,
Mike
Author
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You called it with Erin. This is another chapter where I thought it would be told best through Erin's POV, even though it involved bringing in yet another narrative shift. Hope it worked for you. Gray
Poor Erin. I liked her.
But I'm sure you know what I'm going to say, haha. It's not necessary at all. The money is the only clue and that can absolutely be revealed elsewhere. As far as her getting hit (I'm assuming) Jake can turn the corner and see it happen. Killer was right not to trust Erin, but the money in her account can't be reversed, so when it gets inevitably traced, the spotlight lands on him...or at least a money trail. Hmm...
Lauren
Author
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Yeah, I'll almost certainly cut this short chapter, then show Ethan's reaction to her accident. Thanks for reinforcing what I already suspected.
Gray
No
GPyrenees