2:12 a.m.
Jess
This isn’t really happening.
That’s all Jess could think as she watched the psychopath stick a needle into Jake’s neck. The scene was straight out of a horror movie. Even her scream sounded fake, too blood-curdling to be real.
But it was.
Now Jake slumped to the floor, writhing in pain as the poison coursed through his bloodstream.
He’s dying, right in front of me.
Her throat tightened as the full terror hit. He was already struggling less, his muscles going slack. Each breath taken seemed shallower than the last, until finally, after five excruciating minutes of laboring, his chest wall stopped moving completely. Moments later, his eyelids fluttered shut, a calm expression washing over him.
“Noooo!” she heard herself wail.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart.”
Rollins. The monster turned, eyeing her like a lion that had just discovered a limping gazelle. He stepped over Jake’s body and strutted in her direction.
“He didn’t suffer much. Could've make him watch you go first, but what’s the fun in that?” He leered, making his intentions brutally clear. “I mean, we’ve barely gotten to know each other, right?”
Jess looked past him to the blonde, who was kneeling down to check Jake’s pulse. The young woman fidgeted with a syringe before jabbing it into his neck.
Leave him alone, you bitch! He’s already dead.
Rollins grinned when he noticed the hatred flaring in her eyes.
“Still fighting, huh?” He licked his lips and leaned in closer. “Now that you’re a widow, what do you say? Do I have a chance?”
When she spat in his face, he backhanded her so hard her vision tunneled.
“Now that wasn’t very nice. Let’s see if we can teach you some manners.”
She didn’t react when the switchblade clicked open. Didn’t flinch, not even when its tip scratched into her throat. She knew what Rollins wanted from the gleam in his eyes. To hear her beg. To get off on her terror.
No way she’d give him that satisfaction.
“Fight,” he rasped, slashing through the tape to free her hands. “It’s better that way.”
“Go to hell!”
“Oh, I’m sure I will, angel face.” His rough hand cupped her chin, squeezing like a vise to force out a whimper. "After what I do to you.”
“You won’t fucking touch her.”
The threat came from across the room.
From the blonde.
Jess stared at her, not understanding. Why was she pointing a gun at them?
Rollins seemed equally confused, but then a slow grin oozed across his lips. “You’re shittin' me, right?”
When the blonde answered him by chambering a round, the smile faded.
“Bitch, you’d better think hard 'bout what you’re doin’ here.”
“Don’t worry,” she answered, shifting into a shooter’s stance. “I have.”
And before he could say another word, she pulled the trigger.
No blanks this time. The gunshot sounded like a cannon blast.
Rollins tried to spin away but the bullet caught his shoulder, crunching through bone. He staggered forward, screaming as a second round tore through his ear. The third missed wide, shattering a computer screen.
He regained his footing, then lunged at the blonde, knife thrust out like a bayonet.
Their bodies collided in slow motion, the sounds reaching Jess's ears in violent bursts. A grunt. A high-pitched gasp. Then another ear-splitting Pop! as Rollins' head jerked back.
This bullet tore through his skull, exiting in a spray of blood and debris, while his body crumpled forward, pinning the blonde in a gruesome embrace.
Jess leaped over their bodies and ran to Jake, screaming his name even though she knew it was too late. She’d seen him take his last breath. Watched him die.
She knelt beside him, sobbing as she reached for his wrist.
She didn’t expect to find a pulse.
Which is why her heart skipped a beat when he squeezed her hand.
***
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Heh there Gray,
So we're back in the room, and it's getting mighty crowded in there!
The plotting continues to be strong, writing is smooth. : )
I think the biggest thing you need to work in here is Rollins's lines. They sound a bit forced to me. He might be more of an action guy than a verbal
guy. I suggest having him move around more, so he's more threatening.
E,g., Now that you’re a widow, what do you say? Do I have a chance? >> delete and substitute him doing something really scary to her ( I don't like Jess anyway, ha!)
Notice what I omitted to crit cuz you know it already.
: )
Terri
Hey Gray, you had me going, thinking our good doctor had bit the dust. So you answer one question and raise another new one. I'm thinking Roy saved a toxic dose of the Replacidin, and Kristy gave him the antidote. Now I'll have to hurry to the next chapter to see just how far I'm off. I have a perfect record when it comes to crime thrillers. I've never solved a mystery. Only one thing I noticed. In the last chapter Rollins has Jake on the floor, but here he's on his feet when Rollins injects him. Other than that, I got nothing to add. But this, love conquers all.
later, nathan
Hey Gray,
Heart stopping chapter here! Whew! I thought Jake was a goner for sure, but Kristi saves the day.
I only have one thing to offer. I'm not fond of your last line. I think it needs to be more clipped...and then he squeezed her hand. I don't know...her almost fainting kinda kills the action for me. It sounds to scripted or something. I'm not sure what, just seemed out of place. Probably just me.
Anyway, that's all I got. Not much to offer when the chapter is this good.
~Ann
Fast. tragic. terrifying, and then relief.
Beautifully done. I didn't believe that you were going to have Jake die. I wouldn't believe that you have Jess raped immediately after watching Jake die. But you took us there.
and then, you reprieved Bree/Kristy and saved Jake and Jess.
In how many words? Economic, clear, concise, and cutting.
My only regret is that this is almost done. I want more of Jake.
Simi
Hey Gray,
Yea for Kristy,
Goodbye Bree, hello Kristy to save the day... Will the ladies become bosom buddies; probably not, but good drama... Always nice to see guys like Jim bite the dust...
Just waiting for Caulder to show up and all hell break loose again... I'm missing the Nina/Al scenario; it's almost like they skipped town...?
Next page....! Happy Writing... Keep Smilin'... Jax
Hey, Gray - The last chapter was too short to comment on, so I moved on to this one. This explains how our protagonist survives the "death" he experienced in Chapter 1. Cool! I can't remember, but did Jake show Kristy, back when she was Bree, which syringes contained the antidote? It's a good thing for Jake that she's as adept at hitting the jugular vein as Rollins is. :) So Rollins is out of the way. Next is Caulder. That should be good!
Take care,
Jack
One question here about the process, Rollins had cut the tape restraining Jess's hands. Was that all that restrained her? At the end of the chapter she leaps up from her chair so that implies that all that was holding her back was her taped hands. Doesn't seem right.
Other than this question about restraints I have no suggestions for the action here. It seems to work very well.
Nit: [delete], (add).
<“He didn’t suffer much. Could've [make](made) him watch you go first, but what’s the fun in that?”>
Gray....I know what you mean about getting the action scenes right. Very hard to do. Just some small suggestions that you can look over.
Instead of this paragraph:
"Her throat tightened as the full terror hit. He was already struggling less, his muscles going slack. Each breath taken seemed shallower than the last, until finally, after five excruciating minutes of laboring, his chest wall stopped moving completely. Moments later, his eyelids fluttered shut, a calm expression washing over him."
Maybe try:
Terror paralyzed her. She watched in horror as the drug crept through his body. The harsh rasp of his labored breathing lasted five excruciating minutes, and then his chest stilled, his eyelids fluttered shut, and a calm expression washed over him.
The action at the end went very well and realistic. Nice job.....Denise
Hello, Gray. Awesome, man!! Couldn't be better done, I'd say. Hopefully, the blade didn't go into Kristy, but I fear that it did... But at least scumbag Rollins is gone! Brilliantly executed chapter, no pun intended:-)
I'm quite amazed at how compelling this has been! Founders was the same way.
Bravo!!
Mike
Author
Reply
Thanks, Mike. This chapter is the main reason I brought in Jess's POV earlier. I needed this scene to be told through her eyes. I mean, I can't tell it through Jake's since he's fading out of consciousness and close to death. Can't use Kristy, since that would take away any suspense about what she's going to do. And it wouldn't work told through Rollins' POV either, plus Caulder isn't there so he's out. Man, it's easy for folks to say "you should just drop all those other POVs," but that would be like building a house of cards and then pulling out one from the bottom. The whole thing would collapse! Thanks for reading on, and I'm glad this has entertained you. Means a lot to me to get that kind of reaction from an experienced reader/writer! Gray
Excellent chapter! Now I'm really torn. I can see why you'd want to keep this scene and POV. I don't know how much it would take to change Jake's POV to whatever it would be in past tense. I've decided I'm of no use, haha. This scene is great and would be a shame to lose it. But... Yeah, I don't know, lol. My editing skills suck.
Lauren
Author
Reply
Yeah, this is one of my favorite chapters told from outside of Jake's POV, and I'd have to lose this moment if I tried to tell the whole story through his eyes (since he's pretty much unconscious at this point!)
Gray
No
GPyrenees