Three Weeks Earlier
Friday, May 28, Greenbeck Dermatology, Greenwich, CT
Jake Goodwin
“Um, Jake?” Erin asks in her perky, fresh-out-of-nursing school voice. “I hate to break it to you, but we still have one more patient.”
“You’re joking, right?” I follow her gaze to my schedule, which still displays one name. “I’m supposed to be done by four today.”
“Yeah, but here’s the problem.” She flops into a chair and taps the computer screen. “Last minute emergency add-on. Briana Caulder. Twenty-three year old VIP of Doctor Greenbeck’s. Demanded to be seen for – get this – an acne flare.”
“Shit.” I massage my temples, imagining how Jess is going to react to me being late again. It would be one thing if I were a trauma surgeon, but I’m a dermatologist, for fuck’s sake. “Who put her in my schedule?”
Erin runs a hand through ringlets of copper hair, nose crinkling. That’s her Nina expression. Probably what she looks like when she smells vomit too. “Sorry,” she says, hazel eyes filled with sympathy. “I know you wanted to beat the Memorial Day traffic. It’s not fair. Why’d Nina dump this on you?”
“Because she and Al are hosting a party in their Southhampton estate tonight. Wait…” I arch an eyebrow in mock surprise. “Didn’t you get your invitation?”
When she giggles, the old hens who roost at the reception desk whip their heads around, lips pursed with disapproval. They’d be scowling too if their foreheads weren’t stretched and Botoxed into submission. The rumor mill’s been in high gear ever since Erin joined Greenbeck Derm. Whenever she calls me “Jake” instead of “Doctor Goodwin” or casually touches my arm, I hear the old biddies clucking their disapproval. Only here one month and poor Erin’s already been pegged as a home-wrecker.
“Seriously.” She touches my arm again. “They’re taking advantage of you. Tell Nina she needs to check with you before changing your schedule.”
I shrug, which is pretty much how I respond whenever Jess gives me the same advice. Sure, I’m supposed to be in charge of my own schedule, but only two people at Greenbeck Dermatology really run the show: Albert Greenbeck and his wife Nina, the practice manager from hell.
“Right.” I roll my eyes to the exam room. “Enough bitching. Let’s see if we can save another life.”
I read in some Cosmetic Surgery journal that it takes a tenth of a second to know if someone is hot or not, and that’s all it takes with Briana Caulder. She’s a knockout. Slender build, graceful curves, long legs crossed at the ankles. Waves of blonde, shoulder-length hair frame what must be a pretty face, even though I can’t see it yet because she won’t look up from her cell phone. As she continues her conversation, my eyes drop to the huge emerald-cut rock on her ring finger, then take in the grape-sized pearls dangling above her cleavage. Each new detail supports the same conclusion. This is a trophy wife – some wealthy lawyer’s or banker’s gift to himself, wrapped in pretty silk and satin packaging.
Which means I’m totally screwed. Trophy wives are the worst.
“Hello?” Erin clears her throat. “Are you ready for us now, or should we come back later?”
Briana Caulder glances up and gives us this squinty look, like we’re so rude for interrupting her. “Yes, the doctor’s here now,” she purrs into her pink iPhone. “I know, finally. I’ll call you back later, ‘kay?”
She drops the cell into her purse, then turns to face me with frosty blue eyes.
“I’m Doctor Goodwin. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Caulder. So you’re having a problem with –”
My mind freezes as I take in the details of her supermodel face. High cheek bones. Delicately chiseled nose and chin. Full, pouty lips. And those smoky eyes… When middle-aged women bring in magazine clippings of what they want to look like, this is pretty much it.
“Acne,” she says, smiling like she’s used to finishing men’s sentences.
“Right.” I jam my hands into my white coat. “When did it start flaring?”
As she describes her pimple drama, I move in for a closer look. Except for a solitary red spot on her chin, her complexion is flawless.
“You said this kind of break-out is new for you,” I recap. “How about when you were a teenager? Did you have acne then?”
“No. My skin used to be perfect.”
Standing behind us, Erin holds an imaginary gun to her temple and pulls the trigger. Then she rummages through the medicine cabinet to get a bottle of Kenalog – the steroid shot I’ll inject to make Trophy Wife’s tiny pimple disappear.
“Well,” I say, “it will be back to perfect again in no time. Let’s start with a steroid shot, injected into that small acne cyst to make it clear.”
After the ten-second procedure, Erin drops a few gauze pads into our patient’s lap.
“How long does that stuff take to work?” Caulder dabs a pinpoint of blood from her chin. “I’m hosting a big event this weekend.”
“That pimple should dry up within twenty-four hours. Let’s also go over a good routine to keep your skin clear.”
“You mean this isn’t just a one time thing?”
“Maybe not. Hormonal acne is common for women in their twenties and thirties. It’s not just a problem for teenagers.”
This news seems to stun her. “But I never used to have acne.” She sniffs. “Why am I getting it now?”
“Stress, diet, hormones. These all play a role, but there could be other causes.” I glance at her chart, searching for clues. “Did you recently start any new medications?”
She shakes her head.
“How about oral contraceptives?”
When she gives me a blank look, I clarify. “You know, birth control pills, patches, shots, IUDs. Sometimes they cause acne flares when they’re started or stopped.”
“No,” she snaps. “That’s not it.”
Woah. That hit a nerve. “Okay. How about your menstrual periods? Are they regular?”
She nods uncomfortably.
“I’m just looking for any hormonal changes that might be flaring your acne. For instance, could you be pregnant?”
As soon as the words leave my lips, Trophy Wife’s eyes flicker with panic. It takes her ten long seconds to come up with an answer. “No.” She shakes her head slowly. “That can’t be it.”
Well, shit, I think. Greenwich, we might have a problem.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! That’s just not possible.”
“I’m only asking because –”
“Listen!” She crosses her arms like a kid who just got denied a lollipop. “Just give me something to clear up my skin, okay? Do your job. That’s all I want!”
Still standing behind us, Erin mouths an incredulous “OMG” as Caulder continues to rip into me.
“I mean, seriously! I’m not here to answer a bunch of pointless questions. One of my girlfriends just saw Doctor Greenbeck and got a few shots and a prescription for Accutane. Her skin looks perfect now. That’s what I want!”
“Sure,” I say, blood rushing to my cheeks. “We can talk about that, but Accutane’s a powerful medication. We need to go over the risks and benefits first, and there’s also a registration process.”
“How long does that take?”
“At least a month.”
“You’ve got to be joking.”
“No, I’m not. Accutane’s powerful stuff. It can cause birth defects, so you’d need to start taking birth control pills before I can even prescribe the drug. To be honest, it’s not an appropriate treatment for mild acne like yours. We can start –”
Caulder springs up from her seat to cut me off. “So what you’re saying is you can’t help me. I’ll just come back when Doctor Greenbeck is available.”
“Okay.” I grin at the thought of Al dealing with her bullshit. He'll probably walk out of the room as soon as she starts. “My receptionist will be happy to set that up for you.”
“How long will that take?”
“No idea. I’m not Doctor Greenbeck’s secretary.”
She lets out a melodramatic sigh. “Well, that doesn’t help me much, does it?”
Take a slow breath, Goodwin. Stay cool. You’re a professional.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, Mrs. Caulder.” I force myself to make eye contact and smile. “But I can’t offer you treatments that aren’t safe or appropriate. If that’s what you’re looking for, then we’re not a good fit.”
Judging from Trophy Wife’s stunned expression, that’s not the response she expected.
“So,” she says icily, “it looks like this has been a total waste of time.”
“No kidding,” Erin agrees. “For all of us.”
“Ex – cuse me?”
“You heard me.” My nurse crosses her arms. “You’re the one who squeezed your way into Doctor Goodwin’s schedule, right? On a Friday evening. Before Memorial Day weekend.”
Caulder’s response – delivered with the kind of over-the-top contempt I thought only existed on reality TV shows – is directed squarely at me. “I can see that was a big mistake.”
With that, she storms out of the room, putting a snarling punctuation mark on what has already been one of the roughest weeks of my life.
What’s sad is that work has little to do with that fact.
I leave Greenbeck Derm a few minutes before five, slowly navigating through the rush hour traffic. Greenwich Ave is jammed, with high-end Lexus SUVs, BMWs and Audis jostling for the rare parking space. Traffic cops stand at every intersection, struggling to manage the chaotic jumble of cars and pedestrians. On the sidewalks, shopping bags bob up and down in a sea of brightly colored sundresses and Bermuda shorts. That must explain the extra traffic. Guess it’s time for the pre-Memorial Day summer wardrobe update.
When I phone Jess to apologize for being late, her cell cuts straight to voicemail. Our home number just gives me the answering machine, which means she’s pissed enough to screen my calls. The plan was to get an early start, trying to beat the holiday traffic en route to her parents’ house on the Cape. I close my eyes, massaging my temples as I picture Jess’s likely reaction to my late arrival. The averted eyes. The slow head shake. The smoldering resentment.
I just asked you to do this one small thing for us, and you couldn’t come through.
Disappointment, yet again.
My iPhone vibrates as I turn onto North Street, passing a stone church that would fit well into an English countryside scene, minus the nearby Macmansions. The answering service. Fuck. I’m supposed to be signed out this weekend, but that’s obviously not going to stop the calls. I fumble with my Bluetooth connection, exhaling deeply as I connect with the service.
“Yes, doctor,” a polite male voice announces. “I have an urgent message for you.”
“Sure. Patient name and number, please.”
I hear rapid keyboard tapping as the answering service guy pulls up the information. “It’s from a Miss Caulder.”
Double fuck. Trophy Wife. Why the hell would she be calling me now? What could she possibly want? Nothing good.
“Would you like me to connect you?” Answering Service dude asks.
“Okay… go ahead.” And kick me in the balls with a steel-tipped boot, while you’re at it.
Biting down on my lower lip, I brace myself for Briana Caulder. Instead, I get her chirpy voicemail (“This is Bree. Leave a message. Bye-ee!”) I tell her I’m sorry to miss her call, that I’ll be out of town for the weekend, and that Doctor Markum is on call for any emergencies. Then I disconnect without saying good-bye.
There! Take that, Bree.
I feel better already. Almost good enough to try Jess again. This time, she picks up on the third ring.
“We’re all packed and ready,” she informs me, her voice calm but distant. “I’ve been trying to reach you for the past hour. Don’t you check your cell anymore?”
I glance at my iPhone, wincing when I notice the “3” next to the message icon. Oh, fuck me to infinity. A quick check of the device settings reveals the reason why I missed the calls.
“I’m sorry, Jess. Jamie must’ve switched my cell to silent mode when he played with it this morning.” I picture the drooling little menace, gumming the touch screen and pushing random buttons.
Instead of the sort of teasing come-back I used to expect from my wife – something like “Nice. Blame it on the baby!” – all I get is a listless “Fine… just remember to check your messages in the future.” Then the line goes dead. No “Drive carefully” or “See you soon.” No “Love you.” Judging from her clipped and professional tone, I may as well be one of her law firm clients.
As I merge onto the Merritt Parkway, an obnoxious cliché bubbles to mind, something about indifference being the polar opposite of love. Not hatred. Just cold, dead-eyed indifference.
*
Thirty minutes later, I turn into the driveway of our North Stamford home, where I find a fully loaded Ford Explorer and restless family waiting. As I pull into the garage, Jess wheels a suitcase past me, shaking her head. I mentally rehearse my apology, fine-tuning the story about the malfunctioning cell phone and hectic work day.
“Finally,” Emma huffs, welcoming me with a full dose of six-year old attitude. A few months ago, she would have rushed into my arms, but today, she greets me with cultivated indifference.
“Honey,” Jess says. “Give your dad a hug. He’s had a long day.”
“I’ve had a long day too.” My daughter pouts, refusing to look at me. She’s standing at the mouth of the garage, her head turned away, her peevish expression partially obscured behind locks of auburn hair and a stylish pair of pink wire-frame glasses. In the background, I hear our nanny Rosa’s calm, melodic voice, followed by a high-pitched shriek and laughter, then the unmistakable thumping of my son’s unsteady footsteps as he runs in our direction.
“Dadadadada!” Jamie babbles, grinning with excitement. “Up! Up! Up!” He wraps his arms around my leg, cooing as he strokes the fabric of my trousers.
“Hey there, Big J! At least someone’s happy to see me.” I kiss Jess’s averted cheek, then say hi to Rosa and hoist Jamie onto my shoulders, prompting more happy shrieks. Emma flashes me a hurt look before marching toward the Explorer.
“Em!” I call after her. “How was school today?”
She returns, but only to tug on Jess’s sleeve. “Come on, Mom! Grandma and Grandpa are waiting. Let’s go!”
Jess flashes me one of her inscrutable looks – Pity? Annoyance? Exhaustion? – before placing a calm hand on Emma’s shoulder. “Okay, honey. Just let me finish saying goodbye to Rosa. We’ll be ready to go in a few minutes. You need to learn to be patient.” She jerks her head in my direction. “Now give your dad a hug.”
“But he’s late. And he’s irresponsible. You said so.”
Jess looks away before I can read her expression. “I would never say that. And you know it’s not nice to be rude to your father. You owe him an apology.”
“That’s okay,” I say, putting Jamie down to offer Emma a hug. Instead of accepting the olive branch, she pirouettes to show me her back.
“Emma,” Jess warns. “You need to apologize. Right. Now.”
“I won’t! He should say he’s sorry! He’s irresponsible!”
“You’re right, Em.” I kneel down so we’re at eye level, hoping there’s still time to defuse the situation before things escalate into a full-blown temper tantrum. “I should’ve come home sooner. Sorry I’m so late. It was irresponsible, but that shouldn’t ruin our weekend. Let’s move on, okay?”
“But…” Her lower lip quivers. “Rosa had to stay late, and then Mommy was so upset over the phone, and the baby was crying. Where were you?”
“At work, Em. Sometimes, I have to work late.”
“But Mommy has to work late too!” Her eyes well up.
“I know she does, but hey… we’ve got the whole weekend together.”
She stares into my eyes, like she’s trying to figure out whether or not I’m telling the truth. When did she start doing this?
“Come here.” I hold out my arms, and this time, sniffling, she lets me pull her into a hug. “Don’t be so sad. We’ll have a great time.”
“We will?”
“Sure. I’ve got some terrific plans for us.”
She lifts her head, wiping at her eyes beneath tear-smudged glasses. “Like what?”
“It’ll be a surprise, okay? Now I just have to go inside and change, then pack a few things and we’ll be ready to go.” I make solid eye contact, like our child psychologist Bonnie Eaton advised me to do during one of our weekly sessions. “Okay?”
“Okay.” Apparently satisfied, she darts into the back of the Explorer and buckles herself into the child seat, all smiles and sunshine. “Hurry up! We’re late!”
“See?” Jess pushes a stray lock of chestnut hair out of her eyes. “She’s moved on already. But you’re too easy on her. I know it’s hard, but you have to set limits. She’ll appreciate it later.”
I let out a sigh, agreeing to have a talk with Em later. Her mood swings have gotten worse over the past few months, putting an even greater strain on our marriage. Of course, our fighting only causes her to act out that much more.
It’s a vicious cycle that only promises to get worse in the coming months.
Fifteen minutes later, as we pull out of our driveway, the excitement etched on my daughter’s face pierces my heart. I wonder how she’d feel if she knew the true purpose behind this trip.
It’s a test run. If she and Jamie adjust well, they’ll spend the summer with their grandparents. So will Jess, while I’m stuck in limbo in Connecticut, left to wonder what the hell happened to my perfect family.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
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This is a most-pleasurable "read!" One of the most engaging I've found lately. I enjoyed the way the conversations flow and move the story ahead. A few suggestions:
2nd pgh. from the end: Would the impact of what's happening be stronger if you used the term "grandparents' house,: or "Nana's house" instead of "their new home for the summer"? It was unclear where there were going, although it could be figured out from the context.
3rd graph, better "her" nursing station than "the" nursing station for two reasons: one, it let's the reader know she's the nurse, and two, paves the way for whose ringlets of copper hair she runs her hand through.
8th pgh: hyphenate "pasted-on." It's not as common as it used to be to hyphenate adjectivals and adverbials, but it lets my eye flow more easily. In the middle of that graph, next to "Nina," comes the "She." in context it becomes clear that it's Erin who's being discussed, but my train of thought was interrupted for a moment by thinking it was Nina.
pgh 10 "my first impression becomes a purely physical one." The "a" and "one" could be deleted for a crisper effect. Also, if our patient's head was turned away, the narrator wouldn't see her central part. Also, if she was a true trophy wife, she likely wouldn't display cleavage?
pgh 11, beginning "And trophy wives are the worst" seems like overkill. I already know, or think I know, that she's a bitch.
pgh 13 "smartphone." Is this kind of phone generic or a specific kind? If the latter, it should be capitalized, "Smartphone."
pgh 15 "middle-aged." This may only reflect my personal preference for hyphenating adjectivals and adverbials, or whatever the hell they're called!
pgh 22 "ten-second." ditto
pgh 25 "one-time"ditto
Pgh 79 beginning "Thirty minutes later": "fully-loaded" Ford Explorer
I want more, more!
Hi Gray,
Okay, for me...and this is just my feeble opinion...I don't think the opening to this is strong enough. Let's just pretend you don't have that prologue and I'm basing my interest on this very first chapter. That first sentence doesn't grab me. Clearly this is a subject you will know everything about, so that's good.
For me...and again, I'm just a nobody with an opinion...your 4th paragraph is a stronger start....It introduces one of the main characters, tells me her age, and tells me how vain and spoiled she is. It even gives me a bit of humor just by mentioning acne flare. That's not a very important ailment that deserves emergency treatment, so I find that a little funny.
That's my only suggestion. Just get a stronger opening. You give us a nice hook at the end and the writing in between is great. I'm moving on to the next chapter.
~Ann
You handle this like a pro and subtly sneak in great info, "that's what the child psycholist suggested."
I like this first person POV and how we know the doctor's thoughts.
I said, "Amen!" when you wrote, "indifference is cold, dead-eyed."
I recently had a conersation about a family member who acted like that and it disturbed me and I agree with the hurt indifference causes. Anger would be more understandable.
I thought this character reminds me a bit like Walter Mitty. He's badgered by the wife, the daughter. He certainly doesn't deserve the amount of disrespect he's receiving.
Superb details showing the office, the locale and the types of cars in the community. This "ain't" no trailerpark. :)
Great character and great cliff hanger. I want to read more. T Cat
Hey gray,
This looks like a fun read. It also looks like this will be a fast-paced thriller, with the plot taking place in a three-week timeframe. You're off to a fast start with the introduction of your characters. With Erin parroting her mom, and a trial separation in the works, she'll not be a happy camper when she finds out what her dad has planned for her and her brother.
Briana Caulder-twenty(-)three(-)old chick. *I think your first hyphen could be replaced with a comma.
...and his practice manager/wife Nina. /and his wife Nina, the practice manager.
..When middle(-)aged women bring in magazine clippings... *after describing Briana's gorgeous face, this sentence sounds off. perhaps, As a rule his patients tended to be middle-aged women brandishing magazine clippings of models they wanted to look like.
After the ten(-)second procedure(,)...
We're almost done (with) the shots.
..so you'd need to start (taking) a birth control pill first.
Listen:/, I understand...
So," she pronounces/says icily, "(i)t sounds like this has been a total waste of time.
..slowly navigating through the rush(-)hour traffic.
Instead, I get her chirpy voicemail ("This is Bree. Leave a message. Byeee!") *some authors would put her recorded voice in italics.
I tell her I'm sorry to have missed you./I tell her I'm sorry I missed her call.
As I merge into the Merritt Parkway, some/an obnoxious cliche bubbles to mind:/, something about indifference being the polar opposite of love. *As a rule, colons are used to introduce a list.
But--" She sniffs(.) "Rosa had to stay late, and then (M)ommy was so upset...
..this weekend trip to (G)randma and (G)randpa's home.
take care,
nathan
gray...Moved onto the first chapter and was not disappointed. Your dialogue was very realistic and all I can say is that poor man....lol Bitchy patient, which sadly, I'm sure you've seen many, bitchy wife and even his five year old. It sets the scene nicely for a restless husband, if that is the route you will be taking. Breezed right thru this first page, and usually I am struggling, but your piece moves very well. Will def be checking out more chapters of this story.
My only nit is that you mention the "trophy wife" and I don't think that is necessary, and also you mention her snapping her phone shut. I think a woman of her statue would have an iPhone or other upgrade that you would just swipe, and not a flip phone..... Just a suggestion....
Excellent! Tight writing, great dialogue and intriguing. You captured the mood of the couple perfectly and the daughter, more than perfect. It's great to read something that is so well done. I have no qualms or no advice on anything as it is truly nicely worked.
The ending of the chapter left me wanting more and that is what we all shoot for.
Bob
Hi Gray! Oh, this is so nicely written! Nothing to trip over, lol.
You gave us a great glimpse of Jake, both at work, and at home. I find that I like Erin more than I do Jake's wife, lol, but I'm pretty sure that this is how you intended it. These two - Jake and Erin - seem to have a wonderful camaraderie, communicating their disgust over the trophy wife without words, lol, as only good colleagues could do. Already I like Erin a lot, even if she probably isn't crucial to your story (?)
You do a wonderful job of painting in these characters - Briana is instantly unlikable, lol.
Poor Jake - his home life is no picnic, and I found myself wondering if something more than long work hours has led to this state of affairs. Also, I'm curious about his daughter, and the way he almost seems to walk on eggshells around her. Is her behavior - and his reaction to it - due to the strain between him and his wife, or something more?
I found myself wanting Jake to interject that it was rather irresponsible of Jess to tell their daughter that he was irresponsible, lol.
To me, their relationship feels as though it has a lot more going wrong with it than just over-all business - am I right? Also, you have painted Jess as a fairly unlikable character so far - is this your intent?
Nice hook at the end!
And no complaints or nits from me, so I'm not much help, lol! I enjoyed this a lot. :) Cathy
Hello, I think you need to get this first chapter off to a quicker start, get to Briana as quickly as you can. One way to do this would be to dump the third paragraph, just say who Erin is (nurse, receptionist, whatever) in one of the remaining first three paragraphs. Paragraph 8 could also be abbreviated by removing the sentence that starts 'Despite the.....'
After these first paragraphs you are off and running. By the end of the chapter we have very good description of Briana, Jake and Jess and the general situation.
I think the last line at the end of the chapter could go.
Nits: <your text>, [delete], (add), {comments}.
<Straight waves of blonde, shoulder-length hair with a side part framing what must be a pretty face, even though I can’t see it yet.>{I'm not sure about straight waves, seems contradictory, just waves maybe?}
<“So…” I say, holding out my hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Caulder. Erin says you’ve been having some problems with –”>{shouldn't he introduce himself?}
<“Right. [So] Erin says you’re having an acne flare.> {Jake says 'so' a lot. Is that intentional? If not, you might want to go through this. I think a number of the sos could go.}
<“Yes(, and)[. Well] I can see that was a big mistake.”>
<In the background, I hear rapid keyboard tapping as the answering service guy pulls up my information. “It’s from a Miss Caulder.” He sounds apologetic.>{Why would answering service guy sound apologetic? He wouldn't know anything about Briana's visit.}
<“Fine… just [please] remember to check your messages in the future.”>
Hi Gray,
Since I see you have a lot of reviews, I'll focus on my overall reaction (I'd lose the 'chick' btw; just sounds wrong to me).
The writing is excellent as usual, and the intros are neatly done. No nits that I could spot.
I've represented women like this, and yes, they're very haughty and even tougher to take. That said, Bree is too stereotypical. I'd like to see something less cardboard-ish about her; otherwise, as I read, nothing surprises me enough to grab and keep my attention. (Her voice message is very funny, though!)
I find the dialogue very smooth, but you have everyday chit-chat that doesn't seem critical to the story. Is the extended conversation with Emma important? If not, I suggest cutting it way way back. I think this chapter would move your story along more quickly with some editing, to keep only what's necessary to the plot and the character arcs.
Jake seems too easily pushed around by his partner, by his wife, by his kid... I think he needs more of a spine. Maybe inject some humor, or some compassion, to make him more likable. He's a bit too long-suffering in this chapter.
Definitely an engaging story, in any event!
: )
Terri
Hey, Gray - This has the makings for a good read! And the time frame, though not nearly as abbreviated as "24," promises a condensed action construct. We have a dead man narrating this, judging from the opening chapter/prologue, which is unusual, to say the least, but not unique, after all. I'm reminded of William Holden's narration in the opening scene of "Sunset Boulevard."
Okay, we have a marriage between professionals breaking up and a problem child. And to top it off, Jake's last patient of the day is not happy with him. Lawsuit! :) Hmm. I wonder who her husband is.
- "Well," I promise, "[W](w)e'll have it back to perfect again in no time." {Uh-oh. Increasing that lawsuit risk. :0 "Perfect"?}
- Standing behind us, Erin gives me an exaggerated eye roll. {"Standing behind us" sounded off to me. Jake is facing Caulder, obviously, so Erin must be standing behind HER, in order to give him her signals. And this comes up later, as well. So is she sitting in a chair, on an exam table, or what? And does she stay in the same position during the subsequent procedure?}
- Still standing behind [us] (her), Erin mouths an incredulous "[OMG](Oh my God)" as Caulder starts ripping into me. {I don't think the abbreviation would be as easily interpreted by the observer as the full words would. And you have both quotes and italics. You only need one.}
- "Sure," I say, forcing my lips into a phony smile. {Ha! I've been there!}
- "I'm not Dr. Greenbeck's secretary." {Take that, bitch! :) }
- What's sad is that work [has] (had) little to do with that [fact].
- [Macmansions] (McMansions)
- Instead of the sort of [teasing] (sarcastic/annoyed) come[-]back I used to expect from my wife... {The example you gave didn't sound teasing; more like contempt}
- ...five-year(-)old attitude.
- "Right . . . [N](n)ow!"
You got me interested, Gray. Now let's see what Caulder wanted to say to Jake, who her husband is (I suspect gangster), and how uncomfortable this outing on the Cape will be. Since they got such a late start, I guess they won't have time to stop at an Olive Garden along the way. Darn. :)
Take care,
Jack
I really liked this chapter. It portrayed Jake as very sympathetic and good job defining the other characters. I like that you have Jake express his emotions through his thoughts and you include small details such as the "3" by the messages and his son stroking the fabric of his trousers. Very well done! Any little nitpicky things I think are covered well by the other reviewers.
Read this immediately after reading the prologue so I had some expectations on who the characters were. Right now, the wife seems very flat but I think that is what she is trying to be - trying not to show any emotion because if she does she might show too much (I've been there myself!). Jake seems like a likeable guy but very passive. He let the client push him around - heck, he even let his assistant push him around a bit too. He also lets his partner impose on him and called Briana back even though he suspected he was just going to get another chewing out by her. Why is he so wimpy? Anyhow, leaves me wondering and hoping he gets a backbone and we learn why he is so submissive.
The leaving the kids at Grandma's confused me. If they are working so hard with the little girl (she sees a psychologist, he is so careful to approach her in the right way, etc.) then why would they risk uprooting her and leaving her with Grandparents? I'm intrigued and a little doubtful that will work out well but it does leave me thinking that their marriage is in major trouble though again, I had that in my head because of the prologue. Do you think as the writer I've made too many assumptions or are you pleased I've come into the scene with these preconceived ideas? I guess the answer to that question will answer your question on if your prologue works.
Really nice writing. I am very interested in the main character and am already on his side. Well done. I look forward to reading more.
You’ll know from my thoughts on your chapter 1 that I’m intrigued to find out how you continue the storyline with the first person narrator apparently on his way out a few paragraphs into your story. So a flashback is a nice touch - it solves the problem, although we all know that you’ll have to eventually have to deal with the way you ended your prologue: ‘Feeling the weight of my eyelids as they close on the world for the last time.’
So, I guess you’ll be pleased with my reader’s interest in your conspiracy.
Anyway, as in the prologue, your style (and your easy dialogue) soon sets up a succession of tense interactions. We soon want the Trophy Wife to be put in her place, and, if you, the first person narrator, are too weak, who better to do it than an underling - your duty nurse.
But a real problem is developing here: if you have to hide behind Erin when you get difficult patients, if you’re scared of he practice manager, if you let your toddler son mess about with your expensive mobile, if you’ve got a difficult relationship with your wife and you let your daughter speak to you as if you were a naughty child, how the hell are you going to get out of the situation where the psychopath stabs you in the neck with a lethal hypodermic?
I look forward to reading the answer.
The descriptive language for the characters, their behavior. A d dialogue is well done.
There is less for the scenario, and setting, but it does not feel necessary.
Again the characters, dialogue, actions, and the overall flow is natural. The read is rather effortless for me.....that's something especially considering this isn't really my genre.
Excellent line = "What's sad is that work has little to do with that fact"
Suggestion to remove "that" = Sad I couldn't blame work for all my misfortune.
Ugh, the back - and - forth between husband and wife is way too familiar with me.
Which is good for you, bad for me.
Good that your writing is again -very- believeable.
Bad that in my recreational reading, have to "get it" from a woman whom I am not married to.
Lol
Oh......darn....they're separating?
Yeesh
Moving on
Wow. What a great start. This doesn't seem like a draft, it reads like a, like a, well, like a novel...
I'm completely engaged. The dialogue and back voice (is that the right term), are excellent. You reveal so much, we hate The Trophy Wife, we like the nurse, and the little girl, excellent. At first she's a spoiled brat, but then, masterfully, you turn her into the innocent little girl she is, mimicking the world around her, sad, and eager. The little throwaway line about the psychologist that they're seeing was excellent, so subtle, but so telling. I guess I'm still undecided about the wife, she seems tough, but may have reason to be. Overall though, I'm completely behind the young doc, and am sad that his family life is about to fall apart, mainly, it seems, due to circumstances beyond his control. I really liked the way he stood up to the bitchy patient, and having lived in Stamford, you did the Connecticut suburb description very well...
This is great.
Thanks,
Simi
Back again.
I think you did a nice job setting up the main characters-which at this point I’m assuming will be Jake and Briana. The read is well paced, the dialogue is structurally solid, and there aren’t any major nits to be had. Overall it’s quite smooth.
There were a few small things that came to mind that you may want to consider.
I’m not sure about starting the tale where you have. It’s adequate and does help to explain why Jake and Briana meet but if you remove that prologue, this could easily be the start of a classic romance novel rather than a thriller—particularly with the all the overt physical descriptions you have.
You may want to consider being a little more careful with how you are introducing all that physical description. Unless or until a physical description produces some sort of visceral reaction from the 1st person narrator, or can lend some shading in terms of plot or characterization, it can come off feeling like listing for listing sake.
Jake’s voice lacked a bit of intimacy for me. I knew a lot about what he saw (the people, the highway, the streets, shoppers etc.) but very little about how he thinks. He did let us in on his concerns about disappointing his wife yet again, which was good, but overall I wanted a lot more of that so I could get to know him better.
Lastly, in terms of characterization, I think all three of the main characters in this chapter could use a brush of depth to remove some of the stereotypical caricature feeling from them. Jake in particular, came off a little flat and spineless. A little reaction or emotion would go a long way to cluing the reader in on how he ticks.
Overall this is a solid read that needs only minor brushing. Nice job.
An easy read. I am amazed that I continued reading through the adult acne bit with the "trophy wife," but really was interested. Dialogue was real. I loved the definition of the "trophy wife."
I really felt for your protagonist having to deal with all the people in his life whose expectations he was not meeting. His daughter's response bothered me a little, as I would not expect a 5 year-old to mention her day. I guess it works, as it is obvious, despite her mother's denial, that she is parroting what she heard.
I like the way you compared the difference in conversation between the doctor and his wife currently with what it used to be--makes the sarcasm and anger interesting--what caused the change?
The conversation with his nurse, culminating in his "Let's save another life," leads me to wonder if he is finding his work less than satisfying.
When his nurse castigates "Bree," I like that the doctor seemed to support her frustration and anger. Not the best policy in a professional office, but...
I liked this chapter very much. It was an easy, tight read and despite the quick flow of the chapter you introduced the main character and gave him a personality. The scene with Mrs. Caulder was well done, even if it relied upon a caricature of a trophy wife. I've seen a few of them in my day and for the most part, reality conforms to the caricature. The call back from Mrs. Caulder is also a nice touch that lets us know we are not done with her.
The scene with his family was also realistic. The cold demeanor of his wife will probably be familiar to anyone married for any length of time.
The last line is okay, although I would have rather had the hook have something to do with Mrs. Caulder. Maybe he looks at the phone and see there's a message from her. The fact that he is taking a vacation from his wife is interesting but not as compelling in my opinion as the interaction with the trophy wife. Just something to think about.
Hi gray
I think you are setting a good foundation of the characters to flow into the next chapters... Sounds like wifey isn't real huggable or maybe even likable as it unfolds, but that remains to be seen... And, dear Mrs. High Maintenance I'm sure will have many issues... I'm liking Jake a lot - a lot, so far... He appears to have a kind, level head about him. His nurse, I like too, so will enjoy getting to know these people and follow where the syringe takes us... Happy Writing & Keep Smilin'... Jax
You give a good sense of the doc's work & home life here. Sucks to be him!
Didn't see any nits to speak of. You've got 2 great hooks toward the end here - wondering what the trophy wife wanted & the family drama. Nice job. Will try to read more soon.
Hiya Gray,
I've had this on my list of stories to start reading, to see how you handle a more adult adventure. I'm not disappointed. The writing as always is nice and flows well. I liked these opening chapters - the prologue showing us what's to come, then the flashback. It works for me. It feels a lot like a Harlan Coben thriller - bad things happening to normal people. That's a compliment - he's one of my favorite writers.
Anyway, I'll be reading all of this, but don't worry, I've not going to be flooding your inbox with reviews this time - I don't need the points. :) I'll check in every five chapters or so and summarize my impressions, or say something if I see something that strikes me as a potential problem.
Cheers,
Don
Hi Gray,
I'm in the midst of reading this novel, printed most of it up as I work on a desktop and needed to get more comfortable for the read.
I see no reason why you aren't already published, unless you're too busy in your medical practice to pursue publication and submission and all that requires. You have not only talent, but style and a voice.
You have managed to capture the angst and suffering of your main character in a way that does not render him pathetic, which is no small feat. And you paint a masterful portrait of a marriage unraveling, as well as the nuance of the inner conflicts within a young child. (Though I do want to slap her for her spoiled behavior-but I blame the maladjusted overly analytical indulgent adults. (In my opinion)
You are deft with the word, unlike your description of your main character, and the portrait of Bree is absolute perfection. I know far too many of those privileged narcissistic women and you nailed her.
All I can say is I hope I can say I knew you when. James Ellroy is a friend, and I knew him when (he was sleeping on our friends couch) I think you have all the right stuff. I'll give more feedback and criticism if necessary when I finish the book.
Bravo.
ML.
Author
Reply
Thanks for that encouraging feedback, Maxwell! Haven't published TROPHY yet despite some effort at getting an agent. Had some nibbles, but no takers, although I've edited the story significantly since my last attempt, so I may try another round of queries. The main structural problem of the story is it depends on mult POVs, and not all my readers felt this worked. I also had agents commenting that my villains were two one-dimensional and that there wasn't enough "line by line tension," but positive feedback from talented writers like you really keeps me from shelving and forgetting this one. Thanks! Gray
As usual I didn’t find any grammatical or contextual issues. However, while I understand the 3 weeks earlier notation, and even the location at the beginning, but why the date and name? It seem a little like a diary entry.
Having worked the wealthy area of Los Angeles as a homicide lieutenant I’m familiar with the type of people you describe here. They are very well drawn. The only editorial comment I have is from near the chapter beginning. {I follow Erin’s eyes to the computer screen} You just told us it was three weeks ago and then tell the story in present tense. I know you like to write in the present tense, but it doesn’t work here. I hope that’s helpful. R.M.
Author
Reply
I know what you mean about using the present tense. I tried this in the past and it just didn't "sound" right, but I may need to revisit this possibility. The other problem with this story is that I jump to other POVs (and these are 3rd person limited) so there's much work to do! Gray
Hello, Gray. Whew! Jake was on the stretching rack in this chapter. Poor guy couldn't, according to his "patient", wife, and daughter, win for losing! And of course boatloads of trouble are driftin' around the bend...
Excellent writing and storytelling, Gray, as always. This story is decidedly a grabber and a keeper. The plot line, the prologue, and this installment clearly reveal that!
CHEERS!!
Mike
Author
Reply
Welcome back, Mike. Thanks for the encouraging words. This story is uneven. I really like the characters and some of the chapters are my favorites, but there are areas where it may lack "coherence." I appreciate your opinion! Gray
Hi Graymartin,
Hey, so I see you have a tonne of inline reviews already so mine might be a little useless by now. I thought I would just leave a regular review until I catch up.
You've got such a great set up here. The tension you've created is really gripping.
The characters are relatable and the premiss is great.
I know this is of no help but will try my best to catch up and give something more helpful.
For now, well done and looking forward to reading more!
Hi Gray,
This chapter has clearly been buffed and polished more often than Briana lady area.. It flows well, with an easy pacing, punctuated with injects of humour, and interesting facts about the dermatological profession. I also enjoyed the way you illuminated the day to day travails that most professionals and parents can relate to.
I didn't spot any obvious nits (though isn't Southampton spelled with a single 'h', asks the Brit, from Southampton, England)?
I shall read on. When juxtaposed, the prologue and this first full chapter create an intriguing tension, wondering how on earth it will all end up!
All the very best.
Ted
Author
Reply
Thanks for checking this one out. It's the first story I workshopped on this site. There are some POV issues with this story, since I developed the plot using several 3rd person POV chapters that give the story a choppy feel. Not sure how to remedy this issue, which is why I shelved the story for a while. The Jake chapters are okay, but the other POVs really bother me. At any rate, I learned from this attempt to keep the narrative simple in my subsequent attempts. Thanks for the read and review! Gray
Sir graymartin,
I know I'm totally late in the game but I was interested in your novel as a thriller and I like the conflicts within the relationships.
This chapter was well written with plenty of drama and characters to develop your plot (obviously, since you've finished the book years ago).
The part that really hit my emotions was his guilt for being late and how he senses her indifference. It was especially hard to hear the little girl repeat the things that Mommy says about Daddy being irresponsible. It's even harder to read "Mommy works too..." because you know they both feel such stress having careers and children and how no on is really to blame but the marriage somehow just falls apart. It evokes a lot of emotions that so many people can relate to.
Look forward to reading more. Thanks for writing.
Carrie
Author
Reply
Thanks for revisiting this, Carrie! I really appreciate your feedback and take on this chapter in general. This story is a bit choppy in sections, and further away from completion than my other posted novel (WHEN SHE FALLS). Definitely a work in progress, but I always appreciate any help I can get. I saw you have a new story posted, so I'll plan on checking that out later in the week.
Thanks!
Gray
The prologue is a amazing read I want to know more. It's a great intro before reading the story. I have my investigation pad and pen ready for my suspects. I feel for Jess when she finds out i Jake is trying to save a woman from spousal abuse. Poor Jake 100. And Briana is questionable all the way from the story's description. I got my eye on her closely.
I want to buy the book to add to my book collection. Keep me informed. More power to your writings always.
No
opsimath