Saturday, May 29, Chatham, MA
Jake
I wake up the next morning feeling totally disoriented, until I notice the crisp floral bed sheets. Laura Ashley, with bright purple and pink petals to match the hydrangeas outside. I’m in Jess’s old bedroom in her parents’ summer beach house. The window is open a crack, letting the salty Cape breeze tickle my face. The sensation brings back all the happy memories associated with waking up in this bright, sun-soaked room. Damn, life’s sweet.
But then I remember that it isn’t. I remember the six brutal hours of holiday traffic. The pungent smell of Chicken McNuggets, fries and spilled soda wafting up from the back seat of the Explorer. The jarring sound of the kids’ DVD player, playing Pixar’s “Finding Nemo” in an endless loop. Jess’s zoned out expression and virtual silence during the entire hellish car ride.
Then I remember her brutal words. We need a break. From each other.
I toss under the sheets, brushing against Emma’s oversized teddy bear. She’s lying next to him, sprawled out and taking up most of the bed. The kid may hate me during daylight hours, but this is the third time this week she’s joined me in the middle of the night. As usual, I find myself relegated to a narrow strip of mattress and a few inches of bedcover. It’s amazing how a six year-old can take up so much space, but then again, that’s Em in a nutshell. She’s a skinny little thing with a huge personality.
I sneak out of bed and go downstairs, where I find Jess grilling French toast on a skillet. She looks up at me with the hint of a smile. Not much, but it’s enough to brighten my mood. Maybe this is all that we needed: a simple change of scenery.
Jamie sits in his highchair, babbling and glomming large chunks of fruit from a tray. He welcomes my arrival with an enthusiastic squeal.
“Good morning, J. I see you’re on a diet.”
He grins up at me, chunks of strawberry stuck to his chin.
“Welcome to the party,” Jess says, looking over her shoulder to give me a fuller smile. It’s the kind of warm, casual gesture that reminds me of happier times together. “Where’s Em?”
“Asleep upstairs,” I tell her, emboldened enough to rub her shoulders and kiss the top of her head. “You’re still working on that huge environmental case, right? I’d love to hear more about it.”
Jess eyes me suspiciously, probably because the last time this subject came up, it lead to a massive argument that left us not speaking to each other for days. “You’re really interested? No kidding?”
“Sure, as long as it’s not a malpractice case against me. Tell me all the thrilling details.”
She rolls her eyes and I sidle up next to her, listening as she gives me an update on the case, which recently made the front page of the Boston Globe. Some multi-billion dollar energy consortium is trying to build a liquefied natural gas terminal on a platform in Nantucket Sound, a few miles offshore from the resort community of Bourne.
I study her features as she speaks, enjoying all the little details I love so much about her appearance. The way her green eyes draw you in, communicating her emotions like mood stones. The way her full lips part when she talks, conveying the perfect blend of sensuality and sweetness. How her delicate nose turns up slightly, giving her a playful look even when she’s trying to be serious. I notice the fine freckles on her face and lips, spotted there by too much time spent in the sun as a kid. I could fade them with one laser or chemical peel, but I’m glad she’s never asked. I’d miss them too much.
“Hey.” Jess interrupts my daydreaming with a light shoulder jab. “Are you tuning me out again?”
“No way. You were just saying the Cape Energy Consortium’s environmental impact statement is total BS, right?”
“Yeah, but…” She gives me a skeptical look. “Your eyes were glazing over. Don’t worry. I get it. It’s really technical stuff. The details can be sooo boring.”
I reach out to grab her hand. God, how much easier life could be if I could just channel all my emotion through that touch. I’m no good with words. Never have been.
“You’re never boring,” I say. “And I love to hear about your work. If I seem a bit distracted, well, that’s just because…” I sweep a stray lock of hair away from her eyes and tuck it behind an ear. “It’s been a while. I miss you.”
“Yeah.” She exhales the word like a sigh. “I know. I miss you too.”
Before I can reply, she kisses me lightly on the cheek, but I can already feel the tension building in her body; it’s as if her muscles are trying to speak for her, struggling to convey what we both already know to be the painful truth.
It’s simply too late to go back to the way things were.
“So,” I ask, suddenly eager to change the subject. “Where are Meg and Walter?”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, you know the usual morning routine. Dad’s off playing golf at the club. Mom’s out by Nauset Light, doing her morning walk with some girlfriends.”
“Sounds like a pretty good life. Maybe we should think about retiring early?”
She smirks and says “yeah right” before returning her attention to the stove top. The future may be uncertain right now, but one thing Jess and I will always have in common is that we’re both incurable workaholics. For us, early retirement is about as likely as a moonwalk.
I rest a hand on her shoulder, inhaling the smell of vanilla wafting up from the grill. “Is that for the princess?”
“Yup. Two pieces of French toast with the crusts cut off. Not too yellow, not too white. Not too thick, not too thin.”
“Well, you’d better turn them before they burn. She won’t eat them if they’re too brown, you know.”
Jess flips the French toast over, revealing a deep golden color. “See,” she announces proudly. “They’re perfect.”
“I don’t know. They seem a little burnt on the edges to me. You’d better sprinkle enough sugar on there to cover up those brown parts.”
We’ve read countless books on how to handle a picky eater, but none of those smug authors ever had to confront a child like Emma. It’s not just that she’s outrageously picky about what she eats. It’s not that she makes snap decisions about what she will or won’t try, based on arbitrary reasons such as the food’s color (“It’s too green!”), texture (“It’s too slimy!”), or geometry (“Cut it in triangles, not squares!”). What really drives us nuts is the way Emma wields her finicky food choices like a weapon. The fact that we’re obsessing over the color of her French toast this morning shows how well she has us trained.
“What time did she join you last night?” Jess asks as she pours watered-down apple juice into the baby’s sippy cup. He bangs it on the tray enthusiastically and then takes a few greedy slurps.
“No idea. I didn’t even wake up this time.”
“She’s not getting enough sleep,” she frets. “That’s part of the problem. And she barely eats. I don’t know how that kid manages to function on her diet. Do you have any idea how little she ate last week?”
“Let’s see…” I recap Emma’s diet over the past few days. “There’s five servings of buttered noodles, three partially eaten chicken nuggets, 10 sugar-free ice pops and about 100 gummy bears.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“No… I’ve been saying for months we should take her to see a nutritionist. It’s just that neither one of us has had the time.”
“Well, then we’ll just have to make the time.”
“Time for what?”
We turn around to see Emma standing in the kitchen foyer in her ‘Dora the Explorer’ pajamas, eyeing us suspiciously.
“There’s my princess,” Jess coos. “Just in time for breakfast. How did you sleep?”
“Good.” Emma wipes her eyes, padding toward us. “What’s a nootrishoniss?”
“That’s someone who helps teach kids how to eat good, balanced meals,” I explain. “So they can grow up to be strong and healthy.”
“But I already eat good meals!” Tears bead in her eyes. “I don’t wanna see a nootrishoniss!”
“No need to get worked up, sweetie,” I say. “Mom and I were just talking about how to get you to eat a little better.”
“I eat just fine,” she huffs, pushing past me and marching to the kitchen table. She parks herself on a chair, then turns to Jess with an imperious expression that says: “You may serve me now.” As Jess cuts the French toast into slivers, Emma wolfs them down, chomping emphatically on every piece. When she’s done, she shoves her plate to the side.
“Are you happy?” she snaps with all the sarcasm of a moody teenager. Lord help us when she really is one.
“Emma,” Jess warns. “Be polite to your father.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Besides, I have some fun activities planned for us today, but the place I want to go has a strict ‘no-brats allowed’ policy. I’m not sure I can take you there.”
That piques her interest. “Hey, yes you can! Where’re we going?”
“Well… the weather’s pretty rough out right now, but it’s supposed to clear up nicely by the afternoon. If it’s okay with Mom, I thought we’d head to P-town.”
Jess gives me a distracted nod while Emma pulls a face.
“P-town? What’s in P-town?”
“Well…” I say, trying to drum up some enthusiasm. “I thought maybe we could stop on the way to pick up sandwiches at The Lunchbox, then do some beachcombing for sea glass. They had a pretty big storm out here yesterday, so there should be some amazing finds out by the point. How about it?”
Emma gives me a shrug and quick eye roll: not the kind of eager response I’d anticipated. What stings is that collecting sea glass has always been our “thing” – a way to bond while hunting for the pebble-smooth, colorful treasures strewn along the shoreline. Last summer, we’d spend hours on the beach, picking through the common green, white and amber hues in search of an elusive blue, red, pink or black. It’s hard to let go of those memories, but clearly, at the mature age of six, my daughter’s already moved on.
“We could also fly a box-kite if you’d like,” I add lamely.
“No thanks. I think I’ll go shopping with Mom and Grandma.”
“We thought maybe we’d try the outlets,” Jess explains. “You know… to pick up a few cute summer outfits.”
“Oh… that sounds like a great idea.” I plant a kiss on top of Emma’s head, making her squirm. “I’m sure whatever you pick out will look super cute.”
“Hey! I’m not cute!”
“Sure,” I say, tousling her hair. “Whatever you say, cutie.”
“Nah!” She stomps. “Stop it!”
“Jake,” Jess warns evenly. “I know you’re just trying to be affectionate, but please… Don’t get her all worked up. It’s not productive.”
I wince at the patronizing edge in her voice, wondering if this is a taste of things to come. “All right,” I say, sounding a little colder than I’d intended. “So since you and Em already have plans for the day, could I at least spend some time with Jamie?” I turn to my son, plucking a stray fleck of fruit from his rat’s nest of blonde hair – the kind of hair I used to have, before it turned sandy brown. “What do you say, buddy?”
Jamie looks up at me and babbles agreeably, showing his few teeth in a gummy smile.
“Thanks, kid” I say, taking his sticky hand and appreciating him that much more for loving me unconditionally.
*
The only thing that’s predictable about May weather in the Cape is that it won’t be predictable. Last year at this time, we wore shorts and t-shirts and basked in the sunny warmth of an early summer. This year, a bitter wind blows through my windbreaker and jeans like they’re made of tissue paper. The normally calm inlet by Chatham Light has white caps, and gusts blow off the water, washing shreds of low-lying clouds and fog across the dunes. It’s the kind of ragged New England weather that makes you think of wooden whaler ships, of grim-faced sailors tossing on the seas in search of a meager living.
Not exactly beach-strolling weather for a fifteen month-old, but then again, Jamie’s a hardy kid. Right now, his Croc-clad feet are firmly planted in the sand, his chubby cheeks puffed out, eyes shut tightly against the wind. Dug in like that in his olive-green windbreaker, he looks like a little cactus, prickling with defiance against the weather.
“Here, J." I steer him away from the blowing sand. “It’s easier if you walk this way.”
Ignoring my advice, he races into the wind again and again, shrieking with pleasure each time a gust knocks him over. When he’s finally exhausted himself, he looks up at me with a goofy grin, grains of sand sticking to his lips like sprinkles on strawberry ice cream.
That’s the thing about Jamie. You can have fun with him, no matter what. He doesn’t care about miserable weather. If another toddler knocks him over, he just gets up and shrugs it off. Even when Jess and I are fighting, he never seems to notice. Life is just an endless adventure, free from limitations and setbacks. All I can think, looking at him now, is that I don’t ever want him to lose that pure, innocent pleasure.
If only I could keep him from losing what I lost.
My thoughts are cut short by my cell phone, buzzing urgently against my hip. I check the display, noting the 203 area code. Fairfield County. That’s a huge red flag. I debate whether or not to pick up before finally answering.
“Is this Doctor Goodwin?”
It’s a strong, unfamiliar male voice. That can only mean one thing: patient.
Shit! Why didn’t I let the call go to voice mail?
“Yes,” I say hesitantly.
“Finally. You’re a hard man to reach,” the stranger continues boldly. “Your answering service wouldn’t put me through.”
“I see… well that’s probably because I’m on vacation. Doctor Markum is covering. I’m sorry, but are you a patient? I didn’t catch your name.”
“I didn’t give it, but since you ask, the name’s Roy.”
After a long pause, the stranger continues in a clipped, aggressive voice: “We’ve never met, but you saw my wife yesterday. Her name is Briana Caulder. I’m sure you remember her, because she’s hard to forget. Blonde hair framing the face of an angel. Body of a runway model. Does that ring any bells?”
I clear my throat, seriously contemplating faking a bad connection. How did this asshole get my number? Shit, that’s right. I returned his wife’s call yesterday, so he must have checked her cell log. Why didn’t I remember to block my number?
“Well,” Roy Caulder continues gravely, “I’m sure you see many patients, so let me refresh your memory. Bree came to you for help with some acne. I believe she explained that we’re holding an important social function this Sunday. Unfortunately… it doesn’t look like your treatment did the job.”
“And you’re Mrs. Caulder’s husband?”
“Correct. Now I’d like to ask you some questions about Bree’s treatment plan. How do you intend to clear her skin?”
Before I can object, the man presses on ominously. “She said you gave her a couple of shots to clear things up. When exactly is that supposed to happen? Our guests will be arriving in less than twenty-four hours.”
“I’d be happy to address your concerns,” I explain, “but due to patient privacy requirements, I can’t discuss Mrs. Caulder’s medical care without her consent. I understand you’re her husband, but –”
“Hey, don’t try and throw that privacy bullshit at me. I’ve got Bree’s full permission to discuss her care. Check the chart.”
“I…” I clear my throat. “I don’t have access to your wife’s chart right now. I don’t usually carry that sort of information with me when I’m on vacation.”
“Well that’s not my problem now, is it? So I’ll repeat my question. When exactly do you expect those injections to do their job?”
Fucker. I hold out my cell and flip it the bird, then bite my lip. Just stay cool, Goodwin. Don’t let this prick fluster you.
“Kenalog shots usually cut down inflammation within twenty-four hours,” I explain, mimicking the voice on a Viagra commercial. “But they’re only a short-term fix.”
“A short-term fix,” Caulder repeats. “So that confuses me. Why didn’t you offer her any long-term solution?”
“We didn’t get to that point. Your wife wanted Accutane on the spot, and when I refused to prescribe it without the necessary preparation, she cut the visit short.”
“She cut the visit short?”
“That’s right. She walked out, to be precise.”
I brace for some abusive tirade, but instead, the line goes silent. Ten long seconds pass. I’m about to hang up when the surprising sound of laughter filters through. “Yes, that sounds like my Bree,” Caulder says, suddenly sounding agreeable, like we’ve just shared a lighthearted joke. “She can be quite… impulsive. Then again, I’m sure you understand how stressful acne can be to a beautiful woman.”
“Absolutely,” I agree, wondering if the man has bipolar disorder. It’s hard to explain his drastic change of tone any other way. “As I explained to Mrs. Caulder, I’d really like to help her, but I’m not prepared to act against my medical judgment.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. All the same, I hope you’ll understand if we choose to follow up with Doctor Greenbeck. He’s just a little more…” He pauses, fishing for a tactful way to insult me. “Experienced. Please don’t be offended.”
“Of course not,” I say, leaping at the chance to end the conversation, and hopefully with it, any further dealings with the Caulder family. “I understand completely. Please give your wife my regards.”
Caulder sniffs before answering, in an oddly monotonous tone: “Yes. I’ll be sure to do that.”
“Hey, Jake!”
I’m still recovering from my dysfunctional phone conversation with Roy Caulder when Jess’s voice pulls me back to the moment. Surprised, I turn to see her waving at me, Emma by her side. They’re standing at the top of a metal staircase leading to the beach, silhouetted against the backdrop of Chatham Light and the Coast Guard station. With Jamie clinging to my shoulders like a koala bear, I jog in their direction.
“I thought you guys were heading to the outlets,” I puff out when they’re a few yards away. By now, I can make out the expression on Emma’s face, which just about perfectly mirrors the gloomy clouds hanging above us.
Jess raises her voice to be heard above the wind. “Yeah, that was the plan, but something’s come up.”
“Something to do with work?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Although Jess is close enough to touch now, her body language looks anything but inviting. Ignoring the stiff posture and crossed arms, I plant an awkward kiss on her cheek.
“Unfortunately. I need to survey some of the proposed platform sites today,” she says, sounding a little breathless. “I was planning on going tomorrow, but the schedule’s been moved up. Could you keep an eye on the kids while I’m away? My parents are home, if you need any help.”
“You want to go out in that?” I motion toward the churning waters of Chatham Harbor. “You’re joking, right?”
“Actually, it’s supposed to clear up by noon. I just got off the phone with Connor, and he says the south shore’s already pretty calm. I was planning on meeting him at Hyannis Port in an hour.”
“Connor?” I ask, trying to make the question sound innocent. “Who’s that?”
Jess shrugs. “Oh… Connor Jansen’s just a consultant for the ‘Save the Sound’ coalition. He’s helping to guide our strategy. Really nice guy who also just happens to be a brilliant marine biologist.”
“And you’ll be working with him all summer?”
Jess inhales sharply. “Listen, Jake. We’ve been through this. I really don’t have time to deal with your insecurities right now.”
“My insecurities? Well based on recent events, I’d say I’ve got a pretty damn good reason to feel that way! Wouldn’t you?”
Jess averts her eyes and I can tell from the bright flush on her cheeks that I’ve pushed too far. “That’s not what I meant,” I say, backtracking. “I’m just trying to point out –”
“Yeah, whatever.” She bends down to scoop up Jamie. “Not in front of the kids, right? If you want to continue this conversation later, that’s fine, but now’s not the time.”
I give her an awkward nod, realizing it’s hard to argue the point with Emma stomping off toward the parking lot.
“Nice,” Jess mutters before rushing after her, and for the first time, as I watch my wife’s profile shrinking into the distance, I allow myself to think maybe she’s right.
Some time apart might not be such a bad idea after all.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
I don't think there's too much family stuff or backstory, because you're telling it so well. Liked "conveying her emotions like mood stones." As the mother and mother-inl-law of two attorneys, the relationship between Jake and Jess seems believable. I like the way Dad looks for the best in his difficult daughter.
Jess may roll her eyes too often. (pghs. 11, 21,53)?
I like the bit, when Jake and Jamie are on the beach, where Jake does not want Jamie to go through the dysfunctional relationship that Dad is experiencing. You are seamlessly reinforcing Jake as a character the reader wants to protect, just as he wants to protect his children.
"Work-a-holics" is one word "Workalcoholics"
Okay, now this is what I'm talking about. I loved this!! For me, the story started here. I don't even need that last chapter. You do such a great job of introducing Bree by way of the phone call, that doing so in the last chapter kinda pales in comparison to this one. We get to meet her "mean" husband as well and you give us a great physical description of her.
We also learn of the marriage trouble and a hint of Jess maybe having an affair before?
Anyway, wonderful job here, Gray. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it.
This chapter definitely makes me want to read more.
~Ann
Hey Gray,
You've hooked me on many levels, with the character development of the kids and the hint of a recent extra-marital affair, you've painted these characters with the brush of modern family circus. I relate strongly to Jake's frustration and his desire to fix his marriage, even if that means a temporary separation. Nice job of storytelling.
Jess's zoned(-)out expression and virtual silence during the entire hellish car ride. *I like the use of fragment sentences, but I think this needs a predicate. see if this works for you. Jess's zoned-out expression and virtual expression highlighted the entire hellish road trip.
So," I ask suddenly eager to change the subject. "where are Meg and Walter?" *as written, I think you need a ? after "So". * you could get around that by restructuring the sentence. /Suddenly eager to change the subject, I ask, "So where are Meg and Walter?"
..that we're both incurable (workaholics).
If it's okay with (M)om...
I think I'll go shopping with (M)om and Grandma.
So(,) since you and Em already have plans for the daya, could I at least spend some time with Jamie?
...Chatham Light has (whitecaps), and gusts blow off the water, washing shreds of low-lying/low-hanging clouds and fog across the dunes. /...and strong gusts of winds are blowing shreds of low-hanging clouds and fog across the dunes.
*Love your character development of Jamie, his joy of adventure seems to be anchoring his father to his hope for his children.
I was planning on meeting him at Hyannis Port. *is Hyannis Port two words?
take care,
nathan
gray....Concerning the backstory. I was not bored, since the writing was well done, but perhaps you could tighten up the beginning just a bit and move forward to the phone call. I think you introduce the new surroundings well and you nailed the weather in Cape Cod. Have been there in the middle of the summer and wished I had a heavy coat.....lol Looking forward to reading the next chapter....Denise
Again...Wow...there is nothing wrong whatsoever with this chapter! It flows nicely, is fast paced, keeps the readers attention and furthers the story nicely. Nothing boring or out-of-place in this chapter.
The five year old...holy catburglars can you say, corporal punishment is in order!!!!!
The toddler you described perfectly and a connection with both is clearly established.
Good read all the way through....you should be proud.
Bob
i loved every word. I am in the hands of a pro. I feel like I know all of these characters. My God, that acne flare up case. That's a nightmare. I'll never think that a doc's job is too breezy again. I never considered a doc having to deal on this level with such a minor case.
I taught school ages 14 thru college level. I had some interesting family experiences, but this is downright scary. I like how the doc considers a bipolar personality. And he is smart to do so. Nowadays, so many of the people we deal with have something wrong.
Loved the ending. And it seems that this biologist consultant may be more interesting to Jess than in the career dept.
What a duo, a doctor and a lawyer. Loved his line, "as long as you aren't preparing malpractice against me." "Likely as a moonwalk" very well chosen.
The French toast para was so well written. It could be entered into Parent's Magazine as their lead article. Wow, does that ever describe a picky child. But you showed how the child was so smart as to have favorite shapes of food. Just totally awesome writing. I used to prepare happy face meals. Put fruit and raisins in the shape of a face and my boys liked that. :)
And I loved when the doc didn't want the son to lose his innoncence. That was so sweet. Whoa! I have got to finish this story. Hugs, T Cat
Hi Gray! no, I don't feel like this is too much family stuff, but I think this would depend a whole lot on where you plan to take your story. Right now, it feels as though the story is mostly about "family stuff", which is fine, because it's really well-written and intriguing. You're doing a great job of developing these characters, especially Jake - I am already rooting for him. He has the feel of a nice guy who is super fond of his kids, and somewhat down-trodden in his marriage, although still wanting to work things out. Hard not to like him!
I find myself very curious about Emma - is her behavior due to anything besides her parent's wretched busyness? She reads, to me, as though there is almost more than that going on, am I wrong?
I like the subtle clues as to the deterioration of Jake and Jess's marriage - looks like she may have been unfaithful in the past, and I'm noticing that they're not sleeping together, but none of this is in-your-face information, which is great.
The trophy wife crops up again! Wow, her husband is a treat, too! Poor Jake - he gets to meet some interesting folks in his line of work, lol. Naturally, I am curious at this point as to where this story line is going, but that is as it should be, lol.
The writing here is smooth as can be, with nothing at all to trip up the reader - a really enjoyable read! :) Cathy
Hello, in response to your question at top, I think description of family situation is relevant and very well done, so I wouldn't try to reduce it. If you want to mess with any of this I would consider the phone conversation with Briana's husband. Maybe the info about his messed up character could be brought in when we meet him (I presume he will be an important character). But then again, maybe the present version is fine, it does serve to keep Briana in the readers mind.
I have a technical question. What is a liquid gas refinery? Are you referring to a facility for importation of liquified natural gas from abroad? If so it would not be a refinery, liquified natural gas is quite pure, purer than the natural gas transported in pipelines from the wells because the liquefaction process removes some impurities. If you are talking about a facility for importation of liquified natural gas, I think you should call it a terminal or a processing facility, not a refinery. There are environmental concerns with these terminals so if there was a proposal to build an offshore terminal for the ships with some sort of pipeline to storage and distribution facilities onshore, there could be the sort of environmental opposition that Jess is getting involved with.
Nits:<your text>,[delete],(add),{comments}.
<The future may be uncertain right now, but one thing Jess and I will always have in common is that we’re both incurable [work-a-holics](workaholics).>
<“Well(,) you’d better turn them before they burn.>
< It’s not that she makes snap decisions about what she will or won’t try, based on arbitrary reasons such as the food’s color (“It’s too green!”), texture (“It’s too slimy!”), or geometry (“Cut it in triangles, not squares!”)>{I'm not sure how this should work but it must need some punctuation, a period at the end if nothing else.}
< It’s just that neither [one] of us has had the time.”>
<“No thanks. I think I’ll go shopping with [m](M)om and Grandma.”>
Hi Gray,
Back again!
Yes, this is all family stuff- I'm not sure how it ties in to your story, but it's well written as always.
Can't say I care for Emma - I'd probably send her to stay with my mother, who tolerates brats even less than I do... : P
I don't understand how Roy got Jake's cell number. When I call a doctor and he's not on call, service gives me whomever is covering. They get my number and the MD calls me back, blocking his number from appearing. So that part has me lost.
If this chapter doesn't (i) force the story forward; (ii) increase the stakes; or (iii) change the playing field, I suggest dumping it, as nicely done as it is. Since I don't know what's coming, that's a decision you have to make...
: )
Terri
Hey, Gray - You're establishing the family dynamics well, and I don't think there's too much of it; all will presumably come into play as the story progresses. With the hint of Jesse having had a recenty discovered affair, though, and with Jake the one being defensive about it, his character is coming over as a bit pussy-whipped, in my view. Kind of a sad sack who, despite his angst at the betrayal, still tries to be a good boy so as not to upset the wife. I'm reminded of how the MC in DeMille's "The Gold Coast" came over for me at the beginning - and pretty much all of the way through, actually. It isn't until the sequel that he truly finds his spine. Perhaps this will be a story of character growth for Jake, not unlike the protagonist in one of my novels.
Had only one picky nit:
...grilling French toast [on] (in) a skillet.
You have a compelling cast of characters so far, with the extra-family conflict still nascent, but planted.
Take care,
Jack
This is a great chapter, very well-written as well. The family information isn't boring at all, you may need to consider though whether it becomes important to the story later on. For example, you talk a lot about Emma - will this be important later on in the story? I thought you did a good job of showing the tension between Jake and his wife. Some small things:
I felt like the beginning of the chapter was too long and it didn't get to action fast enough. I'd probably condense the first two paragraphs into one short one and get more quickly to him going downstairs.
I'd change the second "It's not" in this paragraph to "Or" just for flow: "It’s not just that she’s outrageously picky about what she eats. It’s not that she makes snap decisions about what she will or won’t try, based on arbitrary reasons such as the food’s color (“It’s too green!”), texture (“It’s too slimy!”), or geometry (“Cut it in triangles, not squares!”)." I like the description though and examples of what she says.
Good chapter, nice read and easy to get through. Well done!
I agree with all the positive comments below. Very well done and intriguing beginning. I think you could do without the prologue. Also your description of the novel has some spoilers as well. That's okay to grab people's attention, but I think you could accomplish the same thing without giving so much away. Vey nicely drawn characters. I love the family dynamics and the situation with the daughter is described very well. I'm definitely interested enough to keep reading. Your style is both easy to read and entertaining.
I always start with the questions (even though I wrote em last)
Too much backstory? Not at all
Do you bore? Nope.
In fact I think the relationship between the children is very telling. I like it.
Oh hell yeah I know those kinds of car rides.
Shoot, this guy is so wealthy why didn't he fly over?
The descriptive language is very spot on! Well done!
Wow, your MC is really, really, trying to save his marriage eh?
Is there ever two disproportionate professions as Law and Medicine?
Well, maybe dermatology-trying-to-be-plastic-surgeon isn't really, really medicine.
EXCELLENT line of humanity, summed up = "its simply too late to go back to the way things were"
Hmmm.
Emma is a teenager?
I wouldn't have guessed it. Maybe eleven.
Reason = "no brats policy"
Reason = too eager-beaver after that statement, wouldn't a teen be more apathetic?
Oh,
Never mind. I see she is five.
See, I told you I review as I read.
The phone conversation is amazing! Is has (to me) HEAVY foreshadowing. I love foreshadowing.
And a lot more to be gleaned with Conner eh?
Excellent!
Excellent.
Great balance of the family story, the conversation with the husband which took us back to the other story...all good. My only concerns, and these are absolutely tiny, is that Emma seems way too mature for a five year old. She seems more like a tween (wanting to go to outlets rather than the beach). But I'm sure there are five year old girls like that, I've been lucky enough not to meet them. In no way does this detract from the story. I love Jamie. The other thing that surprised me (only a little) was that its OK for Jess to have to go to work in middle of the weekend? She's throwing a hissy fit (even if she doesn't show it, Emma's imitation of it gave it away), when Jake is late, but Jake shows no resentment when she had to go? Again, not a big deal, it doesn't take away for the big story, just an observation.
I really loved the way you describe the tension between Jess and Jake, and the moments when she's talking and he's studying and loving her face. That was beautifully done.
More!
Simi
There is a lot to like about this chapter. I think you went a very long way to add a little more depth and tension to the failing marriage, as well as some explanation. The foreshadowing on the call with Roy, as well as the hint about a past potential affair, are also both forward feeling and solid.
I did have a little trouble with your depiction of Emma. First was I thought she was quite young, but then there’s a mention of her having teenage attitude so that was a little confusing. And while there are very few people on the plant that haven’t dealt with a bratty child, I do think you’re being a little heavy handed on that end. On the flipside I’m feeling the reaction to her bratty attitude is a little too light handed on the part of her parents. She might have them trained, but on some level you’d expect them to react more than they are (even if it’s just Jake’s voice demonstrating how frustrated/guilty/hurt/callous he is, or has become).
I’m noticing you are using a lot of fussy tags (she cooed, she warns, he explains etc.) when you might be better off limiting those as much as possible and allow implicit dialogue to speak for itself. For instance when someone says, “Don’t you do that!” the fact that it’s a warning is clearly implied so adding a ‘she warns’ tag after is as redundant as it is distracting. I think if you cull through many of your tags, you’ll find there are quite a few like that.
You did a much better job of making Jake’s observations regarding physical description feel a little less artificially inserted in this chapter. You are definitely on the right track to tie that kind of thing into a visceral reaction or emotion, and with just a little more work, you could easily do that with all of it.
Overall, though the forward feeling information in this chapter is solid, I find myself wondering what most of this chapter truly lends to the overall plot. It’s nice to see this little slice of their life, but other than the telephone call and the hint about the affair, there doesn’t appear to be anything here that couldn’t have been covered by a couple of decently crafted paragraphs.
I guess I’ll have to read on and find out. ?
This is still fairly new to me, but it is the first time I actually read the next chapter. Continues to be an easy read.
I didn't find the phone tracking plausible. I imagine most doctors have a separate number for personal vs professional calls. That stopped me, but the conversation was interesting. I believe in your prologue, you mentioned that Jake suspects when he sees Briana the second time that her personality change has to do with abuse. The husbands abrupt change doesn't have to be some psychological disorder. I am imagining that he will get off the phone and abuse his wife. And of course, he has to do it so that the beating doesn't show--big party coming up and all.
Lovely relationship with Jamie. Problems with Emily, but it is obvious he loves both of them.
Also the hint at Jess having an affair and then spending lots of time with Connor. Jake may be trying to hard to be the good and understanding husband. Someone mentioned in the review that Jake sounded weak. I'd rather think he is a man who takes his marriage vows seriously and doesn't want to contribute to a break-up. Then again, his sudden belief that a separation might be a good idea strengthens his character.
Hi Graymartin,
Not too much backstory at all... In fact, I believe this chapter really sets the tone between the not so happy couple.... Try as Jake might to get a tad bit of affection from, it appears a rather self-centered Jess, you begin to show the troubled relationship...
And, Emma's not so nice attitude seems to be an offshoot of those problems...
Of course, bringing in Roy Caulder, and then this Connor fella moves the story along nicely... Looking forward to the journey...
Happy Day & Keep Smilin'... Jax
Hi graymartin,
I enjoyed this chapter although I do think there is a bit too much family description. I think you can get across the fact that he has cute kids in a couple of sentences. Same with the food pickiness and sleeping problems. Unless these are part of the story they seem a bit extraneous. As a reader, we're trying to understand what is important and what isn't.
I think the chapter hummed in two places: the dialogue with his wife where she is describing her job, and the call from Mrs. Caulder's wife. I'd make these two events the main focus of the chapter and reduce the other parts. I think those are the main events but if you look at the chapter, they are relatively small parts.
A deft writer can describe a scene and make us feel something for a character with just a few words. I think you have that ability and don't need to overwrite the setup and description. This is a thriller so keep it taut. Hope that helps.
I like having a back story/ character insight. It's full of conflict so keeps the reader's attention.
Nits/suggestions: Might want to italicize direct inner thoughts - not sure what the norm is for 1st person narrative.
That's all I had in terms of nits. Anxious to read more! Let me know when you have new Founders chapters!
Hello, Gray. Our man Jake must feel not far off from Job! I mean, it seems like things are being dialed up pretty dang fast. Roy Caulder sounds quite dangerous. Maybe he's easier to deal with than a den of agitated cobras. Come to think of it, maybe before this story's over, Caulder or a buddy of his will train Jake on how to calm a den of deadly asps! Well, something along those lines.
No, Gray, I don't think you're putting out too much information at once. The road/s is/are not bumpy... Yep, I'm getting to know Jake and his family very well and I'm gaining a better understanding of Jess and Emma's POVs. I don't know how Jess went astray, but those things obviously happen, and she's not a bad person - that's quite clear. Emma typifies MANY kids these days....Jake's blessed that his little buddy Jamie is truly a fan...!
Very well planned and fleshed out, Gray. I'm going for more!!
CHEERS!!
Mike
Author
Reply
Glad to hear you're still intrigued. I wanted to make these characters real -- especially Jake -- before I put them through the ringer. Hope that works. G
This is a wonderful chapter showing the family dynamic. Emma is my grandaughter personified. Macaroni and cheese, chicken nugget, pizza rolls, and french fries. I can't believe these kids actually grow up on this kind of diet.
I love how you portray Emma at 6 years old. She will be a handful by the time she's 16! The tension between Jake and Jess is palpable. Very well written. And the baby, LOL, I just love that little boy.
You don't have too much family in this chapter. You do such a wonderful job of portraying each one with their own personality, you keep it very interesting. If I wasn't writing so much myself, I would have devoured these chapters sooner. You're a great writer and I look forward to reading more. KL
No
opsimath