6:20 p.m., Massachusetts Turnpike, Charlton, MA
Jake
“Jess! Is that you?”
I decelerate into the Turnpike’s slow lane, desperate not to drop the call again. This time though, the signal is strong. Jess’s voice comes through clearly, telling me she’s been trying to reach me for an hour. She sounds shaky. Tense.
“What’s wrong? Are the kids…?”
“They’re fine,” she answers quickly. “They’re with my parents right now.”
“And where are you?”
“On the Mid-Cape Highway, approaching the Chatham exit.”
“I must have left you a dozen messages yesterday,” I say. “Didn’t you get any of them?”
She ignores the question, saying she spent most of the day in her father’s office. Her words sound slurred, like she’s fighting to stay awake.
“Hey, you sound like you’re falling asleep at the wheel.”
“Yeah, well sleep’s been hard to come by lately.”
I swallow, fishing for something to say. The only word that comes to mind is “Sorry.”
“Just…” A deep breath, like she’s getting ready to dive underwater. “Don’t. That’s not why I called.”
“Are you sure you’re safe to drive?”
“I think so. Listen, Jake…” She pauses. “I’m not calling to talk about us. I just wanted to fill you in on the things I’ve learned over the past twelve hours. I have some important information about Roy Caulder.”
Just hearing her say the bastard’s name makes me swerve over the rumble strip at the side of the highway. I brace myself for more bad news. “What is it?”
“I… it’s impossible to explain over the phone, but he’s setting you up. You need to go to the cops, right now. From what Josh told me, Greenwich PD sounds like your best bet. I’ve talked to Dad. He’ll send someone to represent you. Do you have the evidence from the lab coat?”
"Yeah. Harley downloaded it onto a thumb drive."
"Good. Then bring that with you, along with a copy of the file I sent."
“But they’ll never believe me.”
Another deep sigh. “You have no choice. Jesus! Don’t you get what’s happening? Do you even realize how much danger you’re in? How much danger you’ve put your family in by letting this psychopath into our lives?”
I fix my eyes on the highway ahead, blinking away tears. She’s right. I’ve fucked up everything. “I know…” I say in a choked voice. “That’s why Caulder is my problem. You need to stay as far away from this nightmare as possible."
“It’s too late for that now.”
When I hear those words, I bite down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. “What are you saying?”
“You’ll see when you get home. I e-mailed you some secure files on Caulder and Saber Life Sciences. Don’t try to download them onto your iPhone. I think it might be bugged.”
Bugged? What the hell. “Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. That’s corporate espionage 101: Always know what your enemy’s planning. I didn’t want to call your cell, but you left me no choice. I had to reach you.”
“What’s in the files you sent?” I ask, mind now reeling.
“You’ll see. Like I said, this line might not be secure. All those dropped calls, the trouble with your voicemail… I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I’ll –” She’s cut off mid-sentence by a blaring car horn. “Shit, I’d better concentrate on the road. Just call me when you’ve read the files, okay?”
And with that, she disconnects, leaving me to wonder what she could have possibly uncovered.
*
8:30 p.m., Merritt Parkway South
A few miles outside of New Haven, I realize I’m being followed. I slow to make the ID: generic silver Ford Taurus, tinted glass. I sense its hovering presence, even when it drops several car lengths back.
I pull into a service station, watching as my tail passes slowly, then eases onto the shoulder and glides out of sight.
One driver, one passenger.
Cops, trailing their suspect.
How long have they been following me? Probably since I left for Boston.
As I merge back onto the parkway, part of me actually feels relieved to find my shadow still waiting there, ready to pick up the chase.
Half an hour later, the cops drop out of sight as I approach my North Stamford neighborhood. They’ll probably be watching all night, so I turn into my driveway with a renewed sense of security.
It’s a feeling that’s shattered when I find the door to the mudroom wide open.
I kill the headlights, wondering if I could have left it that way. Not likely.
I creep toward the garage and crouch in the shadows beside the open side door, listening. Silence. There's splintered wood in the grass at my feet. I check the doorframe. Shattered. Blood pounds in my ears. Is the intruder still inside? Is he alone?
Five minutes pass before I decide to go in.
There’s a baseball bat in the tool shed. Arming myself, I enter the house. The mudroom is dark, another sign something’s wrong. I always leave at least one hall light on. Then there's the alarm. Did I forget to activate it before I left? Can't remember.
I wait for my eyes to adjust, bat held aloft, blindly probing the shadows like some soon-to-be-victim in a slasher movie.
That’s why I’m moving forward right now, boldly stepping into the living room even as the rational part of my brain screams: Run! Call 911! This feels like a movie and I’m just an actor, playing my part. If Caulder is lurking in the shadows, then I’m going to find him. I’m going to find him and take his fucking head off.
It's brighter in the living room, with moonlight streaming in through the bay window. I step over shards of glass from a shattered crystal vase, past piles of books spilled from toppled shelves. The kitchen looks like it’s been hit by a tornado, shelves and drawers ripped open. Fragments of glass and fine china litter the tile floor.
I sidestep the mess and advance to the staircase.
Time for a gut check. I can still leave. Call 911. And then what? They’ll arrive to find an empty house, label it a burglary and leave. Or even worse, they'll arrest me for leaving the state. Besides, Caulder won't wait for those sirens to pull into my driveway. No… if he’s still here, I want to find him.
But not holding a freaking baseball bat.
I crack open the front hall closet and crawl forward on hands and knees, tunneling under winter coats and jackets. When I reach the safe, I illuminate the lock with my iPhone, then fumble through the combination. After three tries, the lock clicks open.
I reach inside to retrieve the .357 Magnum – a housewarming gift from Jess’s father. He’d gotten obsessed with home protection after some thugs broke into his Beacon Hill apartment. We humored him at the time, but now I’m thinking: thank you, Walter. Never thought I'd say those words.
I set down the baseball bat. Don’t need that anymore.
After chambering a round, I climb the first three staircase steps, then stop to listen.
Silence, broken only by the frantic thumping of my heart.
But then I hear something else.
A rustling, coming from upstairs and to my right. Two beats of silence. Then the soft creak of a floorboard.
The master bedroom.
I disengage the safety and move toward the sound.
The door’s half open, so I reach into the darkness. Slide my fingertips along the wall until they catch on the light switch.
A split second before I flip it on, a terrible thought zips through my head.
What if I’m not the only one with a gun?
***
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Morning Gray,
It was good to see Jake's fighting spirit in this chapter. Like a firefighter entering a burning home and disregarding his own safty, Jake had to dismiss his common sense in order to enter his house armed with a baseball bat.
Because this feels like a movie, and I'm just an actor, playing my part. *see if it reads better without the "Because". And I don't think you need the comma.
I step over shards of glass from a shattered crystal vase. *I tried to remember what season of the year we're in. If it's winter, the house may be too dark for him to see the glass on the floor, and his eyes are likely focusing ahead of him. Jake already noted that the hall light was turned off, so I took that to mean that the house isn't being lighted. It might add some intensity to the scene if you let his foot crunch one of those shards.
After chambering a round, I climb the first three stairs, then stop to listen. *My dictionary says "stairs" can mean individual steps on a staircase, but it reads better to me to say "After chambering a round, I climb the first three steps of the staircase".
*I wondered about a home-security alarm system, thinking a doctor would probably have his home wired for security. Maybe he forgot to activate the system. And his bedroom is dark when he reaches inside for the light switch. If someone is in there snooping around, wouldn't he be using a flashlight? Jake heard a creaking floorboard in his bedroom, so that pretty much eliminates the possibility of a dog entering the house after the thief left the door open, and you mentioned in the summary that someone was waiting for him at home. When Jake pulled into the driveway, he saw the mudroom door open, but he had to walk around the house to get to the door. I wondered how he could see the open door from the driveway, because you didn't show him opening the garage.
later, nathan
Hey Gray,
You keep the suspense high in this chapter. I was right there with Jake.
Now, I don't know much about guns, but I do know a .357 will have a pretty good kick when fired and is considered overkill. I'm not sure that would be the weapon of choice for a gift to a man who knows nothing of guns...unless, the father-in-law does know about guns and feels that weapon is the one to have. It was what my brother carried when he was a cop...and along with several other guns, we own one as well. Although, I've never fired it. I have a much smaller handgun....25 caliber,more suited for women...fits nicely in their purses!! No, I don't carry it, but in Texas, just about everyone has a gun...or guns. I don't suppose it matters what kind of gun Jake has, but if he shoots someone with that .357, it will blow a hole through them and make a terrible mess!! They're designed to KILL...every time.
If Jake's phone is bugged, then they may have gotten the info while Jess was speaking with him and went into the house to get his computer. I'll have to wait and see. Great page turner!!
~Ann
Morning Gray!
Da da da dum...My biggest fear? Jake is already in a shitload of trouble, now he's walking into a dark bedroom with a loaded gun, will he have the sense not to shoot at the first movement he sees? Surely he'll miss, but he'll alert his intended target and might do damage to someone he loves? His luck has been incredibly bad.
So, the suspense is there...I guess I'm wondering why anyone would break into his house though? Even if its to get the files off his computer, they're soft copies so there would be multiple copies. Could it be that they're after this lab coat, the only one there is that could contain damaging evidence against them, but how would they know he got the serum all over himself?
So, that what I'm not getting? Why are the breaking into his house? They know he's separated (they pretty much ensured that with the video they sent), he's already the prime and pretty much only suspect in the case the governor is hot to close, they've knocked out the only potential witness against them, so why expose themselves by breaking and entering?
But, that said, this flows and makes for compelling reading. And just because I don't know why the bad guys are breaking in, it doesn't mean that they don't have a good reason that will reveal itself shortly. So, this definitely is keeping me interested, its nice to see Jake in this new situation, it's all good.
So, we'll meet again tomorrow with the next chapter, I hope?
Simi
Yay, Gray, as soon as I finish a chapter you post another! : )
Great, suspenseful second half - smooth writing as always. : )
I got confused re: whether the whole house is dark what's lit, and how Jake can see. Also, why doesn't he call 911 as he goes inside? He knows how risky it is...
Which leads me to the first section of the chapter: If Jake's iPhone isn't a secure line, why ouldn't the other J tell him to all from a pay phone? Why continue with the conversation? And how woud Jake's iPhone line be hacked?
I think you can address all this pretty easily if you want.
So... where's ch 35?
: )
Terri
Hi Gray,
A Magnum, like Clint Eastwood's 'make my day'...!! LOL... That should pretty much put the fear into someone... Don't know much about guns either, so can't help you on that front... Now squirt guns when my brother and I were kids, now you're talking...!
Good flow to this chapter.. I'm curious as to why you have Jake putting only one round in the gun, though.... If I thought someone was in my house and I had gun, Katy bar the door, cuz that puppy is going to be loaded for bear, cuz like Jake thought at the end, what if there is more than one...?
You've got the tension cranked up, so that is good...
Happy Writing & Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Hello Gray, back after a little hiatus. Interesting change in direction in this chapter with Jess getting on board with the good guys. I have one problem with the call from Jess to Jake. She strongly encourages him to go straight to the police because he's in danger but he doesn't, not even when he finds his house broken into. To make this more logical I would change this line [delete], (add)
“I… it’s impossible to explain over the phone, but he’s setting you up. You need to go to the cops[, right now]. From what Josh told me, Greenwich PD sounds like your best bet. I’ve talked to Dad. He’ll send someone to represent you (and the two of you can go to the cops tomorrow morning). Do you have the evidence from the lab coat?”
Or something like that to make it sound like tomorrow morning is okay. Then his going home rather than right to the police station makes more sense.
Other than that the only thing that is hard to believe is that he would take on the intruder rather than calling 911 and/or getting hold of the two cops who were tailing him. But obviously, you want the confrontation that is coming for your story. Just a little hard to have macho man Jake.
Hey, Gray - The suspense has been ramped up considerably in this chapter! Good job with that. Just a few things that struck me as I read. Jake, after his conversation with Jess concerning his dire situation, sees a car following him and assumes it's the cops. I think a more sinister presence would have occurred to him. But, okay, he thinks he's being tailed by the cops. So why doesn't he check if the car has followed him home when he sees his house has been broken into. No need to call 911 if the cops are already there! Okay, the car had previously dropped out of sight as he neared home, but he thinks they're going to be on stakeout, so I think at least looking at the street hoping to spot it would occur to him. When Jake decides to be macho and take on the intruder, it's a side of him we haven't seen to this point. So I think some uncontrollable rage against the man responsible for tearing his life apart, putting him and his family in danger, that the red line has been crossed and he's no longer going to be a victim and meekly take it, should be developed more here as Jake enters his violated house. In "Teammates," I had a similar dilemma - having my non-macho doctor face up to the violent evil confronting him. It's a process. You need to accelerate it here because of the exigent situation, but it's still something Jake has to undergo, IMO. Regardless, though, you've got the reader rooting for him!
About the gun, I'm not an aficionado of guns, either, and I would think a shotgun would be more appropriate for home protection for those unfamiliar with guns (again, like Jim in my story), but you need a handgun for your story, so that's fine. And a .357 magnum would certainly have the stopping power one would need in a case of home invasion. Maybe a brief line here about how thankful Jake was that he'd had a chance to practice with it on the firing range?
Three logistics issues:
- ...when I find the door to the mudroom wide open. {This confused me. Does the mudroom have a separate entrance to the house? I was picturing it coming off the inside of the garage, and that appears to be the case, since that's the room Jake first enters after going in the garage's side door. But then Jake wouldn't see it initially unless he opened the garage door as he drives up. And then why would he then go around to the side door? Help! :) }
- I creep toward the garage... {When did he leave his car?}
- It's brighter in the living room...The kitchen looks like it's been hit by a tornado... {Most "mudrooms" open into the kitchen, but here it appears Jake goes through the living room first, then the kitchen, then the staircase leading upstairs. An unusual floor plan. :) }
My above issues stem from reading an isolated chapter and should be taken with that in mind. With the tension and building suspense you've created, the reader will likely not be thinking of them as they rush through this exciting chapter with a crackerjack ending hook!
Take care,
Jack
You asked about the gun thing. I didn't read the other reviews, so maybe someone else has said this.
The most popular .357 Magnums are double-action revolvers, not semi-autos. You say "chamber in a round" which is for a semi-auto with a clip. There are a few .357 Magnum semi-autos I know of, but they aren't common. The SIG Sauer .357 is popular (John Collier carries one) but it's not a true Magnum.
Plus, if I were giving someone a gun who didn't know how to use it, I'd give 'em a revolver. They don't jam, maybe misfire. I've never heard of the cylinder not rotating.
Gray….Back again and trying to move forward. Hopefully will be able to read more chapters today or tomorrow. Anyway, another good one. Like the way you started with the convo with Jess. You started building the tension there and then just kept amping it up with short direct sentences. Don't know anything about guns, but when I need info for my story. Thugs always carry guns…lol I resort to the internet and their wealth of information. Also like the ending where he worries he might not be the only one armed….Good cliffhanger……Denise
Good conversation with Jess. I'm not totally convinced that he shouldn't call 911 at this point. Jess had evidence implicating Caulder so all he needs to do is stay safe. The fact is house is burgled will only support his case. The cops are already tailing him so they could be in the house in minutes.
This is the one big flaw I have seen so far. It is a big mystifying why he doesn't call the authorities in at this point or even when he found the evidence on the lab coat. It's not a story killer but it is something that is nagging me at the back of my mind.
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You're right about the fact that Jake "should" be calling 911 right about now, just like he probably should have told Alice. My thought was that he thinks he's a suspect and no one will believe him, especially since he has no compelling evidence and had that really hostile interview with the cop. That, and the fact that smart people sometimes do pretty dumb/impulsive things in the heat of the moment... Later, Gray
Hello, Gray. Very cool, man. The tension and fear are quite palpable. Yes, I kind of figured Jake's phone was bugged while he talked to Erin. That prompted me to believe that their meeting wouldn't happen.
I'm guessing the intruder is the creep from the club who is also the jogger, as I think I deduced correctly, a while back.
Very much looking forward to this..!!
Peace,
Mike
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Pretty sharp observation there on Jake's phone. I tried to plant some seeds of this really early on when he kept missing calls from Jess, but only spell this out at the end in my wrap up. Glad to hear you're tuned in to the tension in these chapters. This is where I really try to ramp it up, heading to the climactic scene. Hope that works for you and delivers some twists or surprises. Thanks for the attentive reading! Gray
More anxiety and tension! I'm betting it's going to be Kristy, but what are they looking for? Maybe it's not her. I have no idea. That's a great thing. :) Do they need access to his phone to bug it? If so, then Kristy might have been the only person able to do it. Maybe a Green doctor. I'm grasping at straws here. Anyway, great chapter!
Lauren
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Thanks for the feedback. These chapters are supposed to be moving fast at this point, building to the climax. Hope that's your experience!
As for the phone, someone else (like the Greenbecks) may have had a hand in bugging it, with some technical help from Caulder's cyber espionage experts.
Gray
No
Nathan B. Childs