It hooks me! I like "pistons of rigid muscle." Because I haven't read this previously, I know nothing about the "psycho." but it seems as though the dialogue has convinced the that's he's crazy so you don't need to tell me that.
Again, this may have been made clear earlier, but if not, when the nuthead "throws his full weight into the attack, it might be stronger if more specific: "400 pounds," or "250 pounds of muscle"
Paragraph down about the middle, might be all the more chilling if he doesn't say "Sorry." A simple, "We both know that's not true" might work."

Terrific, good work!!

Hi Gray,

First of all, where are Wil and Astrid? Are you stalled on that story or just sick of it!!! I tease.

Okay, now you know what I think of prologues. I just think you give away too much. I'd much rather let the whole story unfold for me. I'd rather learn of the psycho come to life little by little and not know that this scene is going to happen.
Okay, enough of my whining. As for how it's written, I think you've done a good job with it. The tension is high and that's a good thing.
Okay, I'm on to the next chapter...which is chapter two...but it's really chapter one!! Now, I'm just being silly.

~Ann

Hey, GM - Since you'e working on two novels at the same time, I thought I could review likewise. :) You have a humdinger of an opening here! My only concern is that it's not a prologue, per se, at least in the common usage of the term, but a glimpse into an event which will take place after the story really starts. And since it's the MC involved, I think that takes away, somewhat, from the building of suspense to that point. But it sure does plant the hook!

Take care,
Jack

Hey graymartin,

I'm assuming that the doctor being killed is Jake Goodwin. If that's the case, then starting with his death scene is most unusual, and intriging as well as a hook. Your detailed description of his death was really good, too.

(add) [delete] /possible line edit

He considers for a moment, then says: "We both know that's not true." *since colons usually precede a list of some sort, see if this works. He considers for a moment, then says, "We both know that's not true."

Locked into/inside my body, I feel the numbness.../...I feel a numbing sensation washing over me.

later, nathan

Hi Gray, I was referred to you by another site member and my loss for
not getting to you sooner. This is great writing!

I wouldn't change a word. I'm hooked and moving on.

I did wonder what was being injected. Maybe his thoughts could tell us the substance. Gotta find out what happens.

Also the blurb was very well written. T Cat

graymartin...Well you've hooked me. that was really great. Moved at a fast pace, but with still enough discription and dialogue to make it both believable and harrowing. I felt that needle and I felt his pain. Great job and was just wondering if there are other chapters on this site, because as I said, I'm hooked. Wishing you good luck in the contest.....

Nice and tight!

I didn't see anything wrong with it and it flowed rapidly! The woman in the background...you referred to her but she is a complete mystery as to her condition, attitude etc...but I am sure that will come out in the next chapters.

I would say the chapter was almost too short but honestly it captured me as a reader so how can I complain?

Good job!

Bob

Hi gray! Awesome start! I am hooked from the get-go, lol, and now I'll have to read on. I'm a lousy nitter anyway, but I honestly didn't find anything to pick on here - this reads smooth as can be, and I'm a fan of prologues. :)
The premise for your novel is awesome, looks like it will be a page turner - I'll read on. Cathy

Hello, I'm a bit slow getting to this. I wanted to review it a couple of weeks ago when I first saw it but got distracted and now I'm fifteen chapters behind.
As you point out, this is not really a prologue but it does what you apparently want it to do, raises questions in the readers mind and hooks him into reading on. Definitely dramatic and 'hooky' enough!
One interesting thing is that your narrator dies (apparently) in this first person narrative story, that will make an unusual ending, if that's the way it works out.

Some say I have sharp eyes, graymartin. I'm going to take a look at this from the beginning. This first chapter is a "hooker," all right, certainly dramatic, well written, tense. My only problem is with logic. If this 1st-person narrator dies at the end of this short intro, WHO WROTE THIS PIECE?

Years ago (high school? university?), I recall writing an atmospheric white-knuckler where (oh have mercy!) the only critter left in the household to WRITE the darn thing would have been the grandfather clock on the stairwell landing . . . help!
Filliam

Whoa, Gray!

This is totally riveting! In addition to being extremely well-written, the tension is high from the beginning and never lets up. Fantastic work! : )

I'd make it 'pain and blood,' btw.... Oh, and maybe your protag is worried about an air bubble in the syringe, too, since the killer isn't a medical professional? ; )

The main issue I have is this puts me in an unknown time and place, unknown names - all of which puts this great scene in a vacuum. I'd love to be better grounded...

Great work, Gray - a definite page turner!!

: )

Terri

Great job. I was hooked and wondering what brought them to that point. I will definitely keep reading. I'm not sure how that all pans out. If that is the protagonist and he dies, I don't want to know that at the beginning of the book. I hope that's just him thinking that he's never going to open his eyes again!

I think this is tightly written and a compelling read. I too am wondering about the first person narrative where he dies. If he doesn't really die (which is something I was wondering as I read it)then it might be a good idea to not use words as final as "last breath" and "last time" or make it clearer that this is his impression of what is happening and not necessarily fact so the reader doesn't later feel cheated. If he does die, that might be too much to include in a Prologue and you could just take out the last two sentences and conclude with something like him thinking "so this is what it feels like to die." Just a thought.
As far as grammatical/sound type edits, you use the word "psycho" twice so I'd probably change one of those to a different descriptor. When you say "arms crush down on me" perhaps say what part of the narrator's body he's crushing down on, e.g. shoulders? When you say "punching my head into the floor" did he use a closed fist? Where did the fist land? And I would probably combine the last two sentences of the chapter for tightness.
These are just really picky little things, some of it more style, some of it will help the reader to picture the scenario. Overall very good writing, good pacing, and it definitely hooks the reader! I'll keep reading!

Hi Grey:
Prologues can do as much harm as good. We're all taught to begin our tales in media res, but with a novel, you have many more pages to play with. Yours throws up lots of questions (who is the psycho, what does the doc know or his wife, is this the end of the book placed up front for effect). Based on these few paragraphs, I can tell your voice and style can keep a reader hooked and turning the pages, even without a prologue. I'd rather know what the poison is, how the wife can save them, and what drives the psycho, as the story rolls out and this point-in-time ultimately arrives. Yes, I'm hooked. I just wish you'd saved this particular hook for later on and given me another, just as strong, for the opening.

Hi - This is my first review as a new paid member! This writing certainly made me glad I joined. I definitely want to know what happens. The writing is good as a I feel I can picture what is happening. I'm envisioning an old warehouse as the surroundings but not sure why? I somewhat understand the predicament of the main character but because I don't know the relationship between him and his wife (except from your description of the novel earlier that said their marriage was strained), I really don't know how she is going to respond and what if anything will save the day. I'm kind of hoping something will!

The only danger to a "prologue" in my opinion is that you have definitely planted a tone and vision in my mind and now you must stick to that or I will get confused, annoyed or both! Having said that though depending on how it unfolds this "hooky" blurb would make me want to read on so I think it has done its job. Nice work.

Cheers,
Catherine

Hey, graymartin. This was recommended to me by GPyrenees.

First off... First person/present tense. I like it. I dunno why exactly, but yeah... That's what I tell everybody: If you write in the first person, write in the present tense. Although, I don't always follow my own advice. Go figure.

There's plenty of action here and plenty of mystery --Who are these people, what the heck is happening-- but somehow it's not tainted by melodrama. Just good ol' fashioned drama. Well done.

*The toxins surge through my bloodstream...* Why the tiny rewrite? I dunno, but I think it reads better that way. Just my opinion. Also: *Frantic, my mind ticks them (the symptoms) off one by one...*

I've never been a fan of the "narrator describing his own death" narrative, but this works well enough. Besides, maybe the doc just THINKS he's dying. In any case, the prose itself is top drawer and the sense of drama is promising. Bravo!

Cheers

John

THE TROPHY WIFE
Your title is interesting enough to attract attention, but, in my opinion, your intuitive feeling about using the word prologue as a chapter heading is right. It’s not punchy enough, whereas your story is. I hope you don’t think this presumptuous, but what about: ‘Chapter 1 A NEEDLE IN THE NECK’?
We’re right into the story with the opening line, and the short sentences and paragraphs with the slightly esoteric medical descriptions propel us through the scene as the drama unfolds.
I’ll be back for more because there’s a dangerous issue ahead for the author. How do you continue the storyline convincingly when you’ve killed off the narrator?
Good stuff.

Hello graymartin.
Hope you don't mind me jumping on so late.
Hope you don't mind the barrage of reviews.

I am not a grammar or structure focused reviewer. I tend to stick with plot, characters and overall feel of a story. I tend to write my reviews WHILE I am reading to give insight as to what I am thinking as I read.

That said, lets get started.

Hmmm you do have a way for starting the chapter but for me it falls harshly

The primary reason = I hate moments of true helplessness that leads to death.
No chance no moment to fight back or anything.

I know the scenario you paint here is quite well grounded in realism, but all the same.....ouch, what a sandwich to bite into.

Considering the genre, the only suggestion I would have is out of line.
Which would be a little more here to connect the reader to the character being killed.

The entire chapter is off-putting because of the lack of connect, though I dare say it is one hell of a hook!
Well done!


(ADDED AFTER COMPLETE READ)
Darn it I thought the next chapter said "three weeks later"
So Jake does die eh?
Sad, and it makes me angry.....oh well.
He was kinda of an idiot I suppose......

Okay, definitely hooked. I read your summmary and couldn't figure out who was talking, and where I was in the overall story, which is good for a prologue. The writing was tight and vivid, and I wanted to read more. I'm definitely curious about how the narrator got into the mess he's in, who the psycho is and what his agenda is, and why is his wife in the room watching.

So, I guess I'll need to read more, and isn't that the idea?

Simi

Hey Grey!

I don’t remember if I’ve read any of your work before so I thought I would pop in to take a peek. I’m hoping to move onto the first chapter later today.

This is a very tension driven short that is sure to entice a reader into immediately turning the page. It’s clear, concise, and full of ramping tension. While there’s not a ton of ambiguity in the close, I leave feeling like I don’t know the victim well enough to know if that was just his impression of his last minute on earth, or maybe something big will change his fate and his words will end up being a perceived assumption and he’ll live. I love that.

That said, I’m not a big fan of prologues. I always feel like I’ve been cheated into the middle of a novel by reading them. Personally, I much prefer being enticed through solid establishment instead. But I do recognize that this is my preference and very much a ‘me’ thing. On writing alone, this one is very well done.

Nice job!

Hey, don't worry about WHO WROTE THIS PIECE. Your whole life flashes before you when you die and that's what the reader is going to see in your novel. Great impact. I only wonder if a Prologue could be handled differently. Maybe do a Chapter 1 and go

PROLOGUE

"llfjeahfoieuiptjekwhoutpoweopje tlu p qdioe rpjjtpo qjljer f/.

CHAPTER ONE

jlkqkjruroeyrklqjrwekthroqelrjlkhkjetoi rwjyto=iuywpqr;erw/.

Obviously too late in this piece but something to consider the next time you wish to start with a prologue. I think this would put the reader on track with your chapter numbering and still include your prologue. All of my sci-fi books have prologues.

This was intriguing and quite a hook for the reader, which is me, by the way. I'll be BACK.

Gray, I am so confused. I guess I missed chapter 1. I just read chapter 5 and it mentioned the doctor dying in Chapter 1,so I came back for another look. I read the other comments and that confused me more. Other readers seem to think Jake is the doctor who died, but if he is, how can he narrate the rest of the story?

This is a well-written intro, as I've come to expect from your other chapters. Gripping--a hook--of course. But I go back to my first question. I just don't believe that Jake dies--or maybe I don't want to believe that.

Hi graymartin,

You present an interesting beginning. A scene in which we know almost nothing except that a man and his wife seem to be held by a maniac who injects the husband with some substance. The writing is direct and strong. I think the scene is good but I don't think it really stands as a chapter.

In my opinion it is too short. At this point, I could care less if the man dies. For all I know he is a criminal on death row and deserves to be injected. There isn't enough detail to ground myself and decide whether to invest in the character before you potentially kill him off.

So, on the one hand it works, it will make me turn the page. On the other hand, I think you have partially wasted an exciting moment by making it too swift, too anonymous. I hope that insight helps you a bit.

Hi gray,

Okay, I'm hooked...! Soooo many ???, so few answers; just like you promised...! I don't even know the doctor getting knocked off, yet I'm rooting for him... And who is the psycho anyway...? Perhaps a scorned lover, jealous ex or present main squeeze... Okay... off to the next chapter to see what's cookin'... Happy Writing & Keep Smilin'... Jax

Definitely an attention grabber. I think it has done what you intended, hooked us and left us with many questions. Except we do know the doc ends up dead. Unless you're planning a miracle for him?? I saw no nits. Let me know if you want another set of eyes on this one or if there is something else you'd rather I jump in on.

Morning Graymartin. I think this is the first time I've read and reviewed you. Glad I did!! This is plenty hooky! This is a feast of tension, edge-of-seat eagerness of wanting to know just what n hell's going on!! Killer prologue--no pun. I think I'd better add you to my fave writer list in spite of the fact that the damn thing's llllloooonnnngggg. Really, this is GOOD!

Mike

tension, shelving, etc.

Hi Gray,

I have no issue with multiple POV. Life is a multiple POV when you think about it. Everyone has a different perspective. I think it adds interest and richness to a story, when well executed.

As far as the ongoing need for conflict and tension; I am well aware of this challenge. One thing I read in an interview with Justin Cronin, author of the The Passage, and The Twelve, was that his goal (which he achieved in spades in The Passage particularly) was to create conflict, danger and tension in every single scene. I'm sure you know the rule of thumb; somebody wants something, and they can't get it. Safety, sex, love, food, fame, etc.

I just think there's so much mediocre writing out there, and yours is certainly not in that category. An old friend of mine goes by the name Boston Teran, as a pseudonym, and it took him 17 years to get anything sold the first time. Then he changed his name and went from writing screenplays to novels, and the road opened up.

I don't know if I have the perseverance, but writing is sort of like an itch you have to scratch once you've been bitten. I think we come out of the womb bitten already. Honestly it feels like torture to me half the time. I hope it's better for you.

Maxwell

Prologue

As to the question of whether the opening hooks the reader, I find the answer to be, yes and no. From Dead On Arrival back in the fifties to today there have been a number of stories where the protagonist is in dire straits at the opening of the book. Personally, I don’t care for them because they dictate the action of the story toward that situation. That very predictability is a turn off for me. Others are hooked by the idea of finding out how the protagonist gets out of the situation. The other problem is that the corner our hero is painted into is so extreme that the fear of a hooky solution will plague others. I’d probably cut off before our hero is jabbed with the needle.
It goes without saying that I found no grammatical problems and the bit is too short to create any contextual issues. I hope this is helpful. R.M.

Hmmm...read this before, but I didn't get back to it!

Hello, Gray. Yeah, I read this chapter several years ago, but for some reason didn't circle back. This is a phenom prologue! Grabbed me by my throat right off. VERY hooky, indeed, man! I'll be going to the ensuing chapters - no doubt in my mind. Wish I didn't have to run out of here(library)soon...

Great start!

Peace,

Mike

A Whole Lot In A few Words!

Hi Gray,

Yep, I'm really late getting to this., But, I'm glad I get eventually get here.

I think prologues are a personal preference with readers. Some hate them - some love them.If you get about a fifty-fifty feedback ratio, you're probably okay. I'm not overly fond of them but that doesn't mean some of them aren't good and appropriate.

I don't worry about too much too soon. As far as who's telling the story if your MC appears to have died ...there's intrigue in that for me. I always assume good writers will satisfy that question. My requirements are pretty simple - tell me a good story that makes sense and leave me on edge at least several times throughout the story. i can deal with the rest.

This is a gripping, frightening opening that is hard to dismiss. Your writing is engaging, explicitly clear and draws readers like me straight into the story. And yes, you have, indeed, created lots of questions that require the reader to continue for the answers. Nice!

I'll read as I can. Looking forward to it. best to you,

ALan

Brilliantly Done

I know I'm 7 years behind all the other comments, but I just had to leave one - this was brilliantly done. I usually dislike first person narratives as I find they take me out of the story, but this did the complete opposite. The mixture of long and short sentences really added to the desperate, panicked atmosphere, and the dialogue between them - though usually really cringey in such a scene - worked well in your favour here.
I would say one thing - having the final line as 'How the hell did it come to this?' might be 'snappier' - as in, more final, helpless, making the reader question the very same thing. Just my personal opinion though; it's more than fine as it is.
Excellent job!

Can we be friends? lol

Graymartin,

I must admit, I sought out your work because I read a review you wrote...And I thought to myself... I need this guy on my team!!! You are an amazing critic of the written word.

I love this prologue and I can't wait to read more of your novel. It was captivating and shocking as it started with the killer and the death. It absolutely made me want to read more. I am also interested in the doctor/medical theme. It lends itself to such graphic scenes... somehow acceptable to print and yet, so grim. It truly evokes those primal juices in the reader. I think people are so curious about the grotesque and fiction is a perfect way to satiate the masses.

I noticed you titled your chapters with various character names. I am currently writing a novel where I have done the same. I will be curious to see how the POV unfolds... Is each chapter told from that character's POV? Or does it all stick with the main character's POV but with a focus on the relationship between the main character and the supplemental characters... Very Intriguing:)

Thank you for your contribution. I look forward to reading more and I do hope you will be so kind as to review one of my submissions. I would be honored.

Carrie

Love this

I can see you that you have completed your manuscipt but I was interested to dip in and read - what a terrific, tension-filled intro to your story. Loved it and will read some more. it is definitely hooky enough for me and I found no obvious problems with it.

One question was about the point of view given the presumed death at the end of the text? Who is narrating and are they in fact dead already, in which case, how does that work? I'm sure if I read on I'll find out more, but it was a small point that jarred a tiny bit right at the end.

Hope this is helpful and thanks for sharing this amazing intro.
Ted

Holy Smokes!!

Hi, I just happened upon your page and read this prologue. This is fascinating. I'm definitely going to read this entire novel. I don't think I've read too many books where the lead character dies. I see you write a lot of books. You're writing is so good, I don't see any needs for changes. Great job!!
KL