3.
Chief Guardian Orwin Locke struts in front of us, chest puffed out beneath the peacock blue uniform of the High Founders, salt-and-pepper hair flapping in the wind. High above him flies our flag, emblazoned with the twin symbols of Neoden: the Crystal and the Flame. Now that the other Silver Wing has arrived, there are two hundred of us – the complete senior class – assembled on the tarmac and standing at attention. Knowing Locke, we’ll be stuck in this position for a while.
“Good morning, young brothers and sisters!” The Chief’s baritone voice echoes into the hangar behind us. “Welcome to Washton Port. The Ancients built their capital city on the banks of the river behind us. Some of their ruins are still standing, but I don’t need to remind you we’re not here as tourists.”
He turns to the Head Instructor and motions for him to take center stage. “Guardian Slate will review the details of this training operation.”
“Right, sir.” Slate steps forward. Tall, stiff and dressed in gray, he looks like he was carved from the rock that shares his name. “Cadets: this will be a Fox Hunt mission, conducted in the market district of Washton Port. You’ll be breaking up into teams of your choosing – two to four per team – and infiltrating in a staggered pattern. Any questions?”
Astrid, who’s standing up front, is the only one to raise her hand. “Won’t that give the first teams in an advantage?” she asks in a clear, confident voice.
Slate shakes his head. “There will be absolutely no tracking until the start signal is given. Our monitors will enforce this rule, and cheaters will be disqualified. Is that clear?”
We answer with a chorus of “Yes, sir!”
“Once you’re all deployed in the target zone,” Slate continues, “you’ll be hunting for a Gamma-type deviant.”
That grabs everyone’s attention. People have one of three dominant brain patterns: Alpha, Beta, or Gamma. All Founders and Guardians, including me, are Alphas. We think rationally, process the world through logic, and have a gift for seeing the big picture. Settlers, Enforcers and Warriors tend to be Betas – the work-horses of society. They favor linear thinking, live in the present, and crave structure and order. And as for the Gammas… the Founding Three called them the ‘serpents in the garden,’ and with good reason. Gammas carry inside them the evil seed that brought our species, our planet, to the brink of destruction. Sure, they can’t help being what they are, but that doesn’t make them any less dangerous.
As every Prime School kid in Neoden knows by heart:
Alphas dream up worlds.
Betas build worlds.
Gammas destroy worlds.
From the excited murmurs around me, I can tell everyone’s thinking the same thing: we’re about to hunt down the great white shark of all deviants.
Slate clears his throat to command silence. “To blend in with the population, you’ll need to dress per the local customs, which are simple enough. Northerners wear only one of two colors: black for men, brown for women. You’ll find the appropriate clothing in crates along the far wall of the hangar behind you, males to the right, females to the left.”
“Think they’ll let us change together?” Vin wise-cracks into my ear.
“An Enforcer unit is already in place at the perimeter of the Settlement. Once your team locates the target, tag them and wait for back up. If you tag incorrectly, you’ll be disqualified, so my advice to you is simple: tag wisely. The target may be male or female. He could be younger than you. She could be white-haired and toothless with one foot already in the grave. That’s for you to figure out.”
After some nervous laughter, we quiet down when Slate clears his throat.
“As some of you may know,” he says with mock gravity, “we instructors always place bets on who will win the Fox Hunt. For the past five years, that honor has gone to teams led by…” He pauses to invite a response.
“Sniffers!” Vin belts out with most of our classmates. Hardly a surprise, since he, like three quarters of all Sifters, detects auras using his sense of smell.
“Instructors Bell, Ripley and Lee…” – He motions to the row of instructors beside him – “all think this tradition will continue.”
That triggers more whoops and whistles. “Then there’s Instructor Marin...” – Slate elbows the stocky man to his right – “who has inexplicably bet that a Whisper will win it all this year.”
A smattering of cheers rises, only to be drowned out by jeers and laughter. Sound Sifters, like Rainbows, are in the minority. No Whisper has ever won the Fox Hunt, so Marin must be hoping for a big payoff if he beats the odds.
Slate taps his mouthpiece to settle us down. “Which leaves me. I’m riding a five-year winning streak, which is why I’m betting this year’s winning team will be led by…” – He pauses, waiting for a raucous “Sniffers!” chant to die down before announcing his prediction – “… a Rainbow.”
This shocker is met with silence, followed by a smattering of boos and catcalls.
“I know,” Slate says once the protests have died down. “Not a popular choice, especially since there are only two color Sifters in the entire senior class.” My heart jumps as his gaze sweeps past me. “But I stand by my prediction. Feel free to prove me wrong.”
His challenge sets off another lame “Sniffers!” chant, which Vin joins in on after giving me a shrug. The noise only dies down when Chief Guardian Locke steps forward to reclaim center stage.
“Guardians!” the Chief shouts as a cold rain starts to fall. “We live in challenging times. We are closer than ever to victory, but war still rages in the Eastern Territory. The Sinovossian Empire –”
We hiss to drown out the name of the eternal enemy, carrying on like a pit of angry vipers until Locke raises his hands to silence us. “Yes, the enemy deserves your hatred. The Sinovoss are weak and diseased. Rotting from the core, but now, like a rabid dog that has been cornered, they are more dangerous than ever. They cannot win on the battlefield, so their new strategy is to infect our people from within!”
Locke pauses to let his words sink in before continuing in a low, ominous voice. “It’s true. Sinovoss spies have crossed the Great Sea to infiltrate our lands, spreading rumors of rebellion. These are lies, of course. Cancerous seeds spread by a small handful of foreign agitators and terrorists who think they can sow fear into our hearts. Will they succeed?”
Even though I’m pretty sure he’s asking a rhetorical question, we all boom out in unison: “No, sir!”
His hands shoot up to silence us. “Of course, not! What the Sinovoss don’t realize is that they’ve done us a favor. For the first time in generations, the traitors among us are daring to step out of the shadows. These terrorists are no longer content to hide in their holes. Some have even started organizing into cells. They’re out there now, plotting their evil schemes. This, my young brothers and sisters, is our opportunity! You see, when rats hide, they’re that much harder to exterminate. It’s only when they become too bold, when they swarm out of the darkness, that we can deliver our lethal blow. And mark my words: deliver – it – we – will!”
Cheers and whoops fill the air, but Locke doesn’t stop to absorb the praise. He’s on fire now.
“For three thousand years, we Guardians have protected our paradise. We are the keepers of the Sacred Flame, the gift the Founding Three handed down to our ancestors on the day humanity was reborn. Without you, darkness would flood in again, like waters rushing through a broken dam. Now more than ever, even a single crack could prove deadly. My brothers and sisters..." He scans the crowd, like he's searching for any weak link among us. "Will you crack?"
"Never! Never! Never!" we shout back, whipping ourselves into such a frenzy that Locke has no choice but to wait until we settle down. When we finally do, he nods in satisfaction.
"Never, indeed. Never forget what it means to be a Guardian. You are the heirs of the Founding Three. The defenders of their Sacred Vision. For three millennia, your ancestors have kept their flame burning. Will you be the first generation to let it die out?”
“No!”
“Will you forget your sacred duty?”
“Never!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this sort of pep talk, but my spine still tingles when he reaches the familiar climax: a call to recite the Guardian’s Oath together.
Taking our cue, we chant in perfect unison:
“We pledge ourselves to the Founding Three!”
“To the Crystal and the Flame!”
“With our gift, we will defend their truth!”
“With our lives, we will guard their Sacred Vision!”
Vin turns to me as the last words of the Oath leave our lips, his wolfish grin saying it all.
Sure, we sound like we’re all in this together right now, but in a few minutes, that will change. Out there, it will be team against team.
Us against them.
Just the way we like it.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
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Hi Gray,
I think you've done an excellent job of plotting and pacing. This moves the story along and sets up situations to come. I get a clear picture of what is expected of the participants and their devotion to duty.
My only pause was...two to four a team. It's written correctly, it just sounds odd. Not sure you need to change it in any way. Probably just my Texas slang...we'd say...two to four on a team...or...two to four in a team.
I'm loving your story.
~Ann
Hey Gray!
Woot! Woot!
I LIKE this. You’ve really built up the tension here and posed many questions about who is good or bad or WHAT the heck is going on. I fully expect that Wil will not be as certain of his place in things at the end of this “training” session. I got nothin’ for ya. Great pace, great characterization, great writing.
Bimmy
Interesting ch. Sets up the coming conflict with just the right hint of background and tradition- throw in some crafty dialogue and viola. Your writing flows nicely and is an easy read because it captures the readers interest. I haven't hit any speed bumps which is good. While you could go cliche, so far so good.
Hey, graymartin - Well, I guess I was wrong about Seattle.
I assume the terrorists are gammas, or at least that's what the Founders would want the cadets to think. Interesting. The world order is being threatened - once more. This foreshadows the conflict to come.
One teensy nit in another well-written chapter:
- "Won't that give the first teams in an advantage?" [S](s)he asks in a clear, confident voice.
A short chapter that efficiently conveys more of the social order of this futuristic world. Wherever it is. :)
Take care,
Jack
Hello, Gray! I'm pleased to be getting back to this.
Re: your earlier comments, about Astrid Blake, I think that you're early enough in the novel (that was only the second chapter, right?) that you can get away with having a bit of mystery, especially surrounding the peripheral characters. (Ultimately she may play a larger role, but right now the primary focus seems to be on Wil and Vin.) I see no reason why Wil's reminiscing on Astrid can't be pushed a bit farther back, but then again I'm also not familiar with the overall trajectory of your novel, so you probably know best. I just thought that you had such a good action sequence building up, with them flying in the plane, waiting to deploy, that one too many interruptions might diminish the tension too much.
--Nice characterization of Locke. lol!
--Great breakdown of the alpha, beta, gamma concept. Very clear and easy to follow; I feel Wil is telling me this information as he might a friend, using his easy and relaxed language. Nothing feels over-technical or complicated.
--"prime school"... I wasn't sure if this was something unique to your world or not, but the general term is "primary" school. If it's the former then keep using it; I just wanted to point it out in case it was a typo. Also, the children's rhyme is PERFECT for keeping this all straight. What a clever idea!
--"Cancerous seeds spread by a small handful"... interesting. Will keep this in my mind as I read on! I assume its your introduction of the broader conflict. Not to hinder your brisk pace, but if this is material to the plot, could you have Wil reflect on it a little? Briefly, perhaps? Just something like, "Yeah, I'd heard those rumors--but everyone knows they're junk," OR, to increase tension, "I'd heard those rumors and frankly, now I don't know who to believe." Just a suggestion.
--Great job with Locke's fiery dialogue. He reminds me of a politician delivering a "barn burner" speech. Could Vin and Wil maybe exchange a look or two during this? Try to show what they're thinking without outright stating it. (Not that you ever get too tell-y, though.) I just think character interactions are fun. For example, I like when vin turns to Wil with a "hungry grin."
--I like this: "I swear he's looking right at me." Dun dun!
--Great closer. Short and to the point. For maximum effect, you might consider deleting "Against the odds" and just leaving the other two short sentences. That might give it an even bigger punch. Try reading it without and see what you think. You must follow your gut on these matters, of course!
Great work, Gray. This is a very entertaining read. I'm going to start a post about it on the "Recommended" forum to see if I can't get you more readers. You deserve them. :-)
JLiz
You've done a nice job of setting the scene here. You've provided great build up of anticipation for what comes next.
I didn't notice any nits. I just read it like a novel. I am enjoying this story - I like the 1984 feel to it. I will read more soon!
I like the tension you had running through this and Wil's smart assed remarks during Locke's speech were priceless. You explained everything in a very simple yet not exactly insulting intelligence way. I liked this especially:
Alphas dream up worlds.
Betas build worlds.
Gammas destroy worlds.
giving the reader an easy way to tell who from who. The ending made me want to turn the page, Great writing gray!
Back!
I wish I could give you as detailed a review as you just left me, but this read was so smooth and easy, I have to search for something to criticize! : )
So, on second read, here is all I can think of to help streamline what is already a great read:
[booming] baritone, echoes into the cavernous hanger>> just a bit too much of the same concept
I was a little lost by the role of enforcers and targets: E.g. 'makes contact with the target, tag him or her and then wait for collection. If you tag incorrectly, you’ll be disqualified, so my advice to you is simple… tag wisely. '
Locke talks a lot- maybe his terrorist warnings can be condensed a little.
You also might think about eliminating this para: '“My young brothers and sisters,” he says, starting to pace. “Now is not the time to question whether or not you’re worthy. Self doubt isn’t noble. It’s a weakness that must be crushed.”
After those long speeches, i think you could have Locke say something. Like 'Guardians, prevail!' or something like that. It seems odd to paraphrase him all of a sudden with ' saying he has absolute faith that we won’t let him down'
That's it! Another fun read!
: )
Terri
Hi, GM. The pace is picking up, as is the sense of competition with the separate teams. The way you are building the world piece by piece is is interesting, as is the sense that there is more going on than just the kids getting their feet on the ground, so to speak. One thing that I find unusual is the use of younglings for what is essentially pest control. Field duty is often guard duty, young cadets not being ready for anything else. Therefore, I suspect that there is something else going on.
Nits, Comments & Concerns:
>>Chief Guardian Orwin Locke struts in front of us...
The name Orwin does not show up in my eponym sources. However, there are a few names that are similar. There is, for example, Arwen, from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, lover of Aragorn. Arwen was a proud maiden with a noble legacy, which is a pretty good meaning in and of itself.
Another name that is quite similar is Arawn, Celtic god of the Forest. Arawn was a borderline dark god, who was famous for his pack of hell-hounds which would run down both game as well as innocent travelers in the night. Considering the fact that your Orwin fellow is strutting, this name linkage is particularly fitting.
>>“Won’t that give the first teams in an advantage?” she asks in a clear, confident voice.
Her question should read, "Won't that give the first team a clear advantage?"
>>As every prime school kid in Neoden knows...
Neo is Latin for "new". Therefore, I am thinking that Neoden is a corruption of the phrase, "New Eden".
>>Alphas dream up worlds.
Shades of Brave New world!
>>“For three thousand years, we Guardians have kept our paradise safe.
Fascist states nearly always label their own lands "paradise" in order to keep the masses afraid of the outside world.
Lawrence
Your visuals are just enough to add but not detract and the pacing is great. The plot is moving along nicely. Your characters are very easy to root for. I am already vested in them. No trouble with getting everything and I'm not a SiFi reader. No long tech terms - easy to understand - the little chants really add to the mentality of this race and the Vin's comments/Wil's thoughts or comments, add to their dedicated yet rebellious nature. I am really enjoying the read.
No nits - not a thing to pick at. This section worked and gave us a better idea of what the boys are about to get into. It has a great hook. I want to see if they succeed and if Astrid gets in their way.
Susan
Hey, gray.
Sorry I've been away so long, but I see you have bookoos of reviewers--some excellent ones in the mix!
The Chief’s voice, a booming baritone, echoes<<Thinking word count down the road. >>The Chief's booming baritone voice echoes...
Well, all that was missing was for you to say Locke wore a tiny mustache in the center of his lip and saluted the Guardians with a hand in front at a 45 degree angle. I say "Viva la resistance!"
Janet
Hey graymartin,
You have a really strong voice, and your writing is good for readers like me. This still sound like a version of The Hunger Games--which is not a put down but an observation.
I only noticed one nit. (add) [delete]
Won't that give the first teams [in] an advantage?
take care,
nathan
We answer with a chorus of yes sirs.
-This might need quotation marks
We answer with a chorus of "yes, sirs."
Clever game to teach the kids who to fight modern warfare, but a pit over the top. I'm thinking you want it over the top, though?
The brainwashing seems to be in full swing. Nothing, no matter how noble at the start it might be, can last for three hundred years and not be in desperate need of improvement. Seems to me these Terrorists/Rats will prove far more noble then the Guardians!
I feel for the boys. They are so out of place and under appreciated. They are ready to take on the whole school not because they actually want to but be cause past experience has taught them to want to.
I like the insight into Wil's thoughts and feeling over the situation. There are not a lot of people we can really grasp at this point of the story so being able to feel so much of the hero is particularly important.
Great writing.
You've shown us your world rather than explaining it to us; masterfully done. This felt right-on to me, and I find myself swept up in the world just as I should be. It's hard for me to try to read critically since I just want to rush forward and devour your novel, but I'm trying to think critically as I read. In that vein, here follows the only possible suggestions I can make:
"Astrid, who’s standing up front, is the only one to raise her hand. “Won’t that give the first teams in [to enter] an advantage?” She asks in a clear, confident voice." At first glance I read this as an error, which it isn't, but you might want to clarify.
"Self[-]doubt isn’t noble." Not sure that you even need this, just a possibility for you to ponder...
"You are the heirs of the Founding Three.[;] The defenders of their Sacred Vision." Definitely not a requirement, just a suggestion to help connect what you've already put together...
Interesting...
If I've done my math correctly, they live in Nevada but have flown to Washington. This suggests they are in the far future. Astrid & company's hair patterns are either Aryan or the result of genetic tampering (or I'm just reading too much into it -- which is highly likely).
The build to the hunt is quite interesting. Remains to be seen what the M/C can do to beat Astrid & Co. I foresee a lot of rivalry between these two groups
-K
Hi Gray,
Great...we know what the mission is. I had a few questions:
1. Are they searching for only 1 gamma deev? (presumably the leader), or aa whole pack of gamma deevs? Is there more than a specific one? Are they searching for a cell?
Which leads me to my second question:
I would have thought that typically a final exam would be a controlled event. This sounds like an actual mission. And based on what Leader Locke is saying, it sounds like there is a resistance movement that he is anxious to suppress. So, is he taking advantage of his cadets to actually fight a real uprising? If so, the stakes are very high, but the results are also very uncertain. Interesting if that's the case...but...
I guess that's my third question:
Would these gifted guardian kids know that they're about to be deployed into more than a test arena? And if so, or if they even suspect it - Will and Vin seem like out of the box thinkers - would they start thinking about it while Locke drones on? Would they be getting more nervous? Or more excited about proving themselves? Or maybe I'm all wrong and all senior final exams are real world tests?
I'm liking this..I'm just wondering if Vin and Wil might have a bit more awareness of themselves being manipulated. Or maybe you're deliberately avoiding that because that was so evident in the Hunger Games. In that case , since they're so patriotic, maybe they can be aware of how unusually high the stakes are (if they are), and they can be even more zealous in their determination to wipe out the evil deevs?
Just some suggestions, since you asked about character development. Your writing is excellent, easy to read, page turning, descriptions are accurate and done with a light hand...nice! I just want to be in Wil's head...kids always have such strong opinions (and yes, i am currently fighting with my 16 year old...so maybe I'm being subjective..she justs KNOWS EVERYTHING and I KNOW NOTHING. One of those fights...so I'm supposed to keep quiet when she goes to bed at midnight, wakes at 5, has two exams and 2.5 hour swim practice and can't be bothered with eating?). Anyway....that's the teen brain...so I think with a few small sentence adjustments, you could put us inside Wil's head a bit more? Like, how he swells when he shouts out his "Yessir". Is he conflicted about it at all? What's his subtext to Locke's text?
Please, know that I am really liking this, these aren't criticisms...they're thoughts.
Another nice chapter and absolutely no nits I noticed. You've done a great job setting up the hunt without bogging down by going into too many details. I liked the alphas, betas, and gammas - with the gammas sound more like free thinkers and libertarians than "destroyer of worlds." I guess I'll see, because I'm hooked.
Cheers,
Don
Initially, with respect to your questions, the pace is fine so far and the world described seems fairly clear. So far the peasants in this version of an oligarchy society and the nature of the nobles has only been outlined with the character of Astrid and her friends, but it appears it is ominous, so I think you have been successful.
Below are my observations and suggestions. I hope they’re helpful. R.M.
If I haven’t mentioned this before, I use {} to bracket quotes from the chapter, [] to bracket recommended deletions, and () to enclose additions. Also, / to indicate word choice within a quote.
{“Good morning, young brothers and sisters!”
Chief Guardian Orwin Locke struts in front of us, chest puffed out beneath the peacock blue uniform of the High Founders, salt-and-pepper hair flapping in the wind.} Here, I recommend dropping the paragraphing between Orwin’s statement and his description, it’s confusing. Also, I’d use strutted as opposed to present tense ‘struts’. Consistency of tense is as important as consistency of POV.
{ The Chief’s voice, a booming baritone,} One of my own favorite errors which comes from writing as the story unfolds in our minds. Isn’t ‘The Chief’s booming baritone’ better?
{ Unlike Locke, the Head Instructor is a man of few words, Locke didn’t seem all that longwinded. He seemed abrupt. You’ve described a ‘tall short man’, so to speak. Later he does talk, but compared to many I've heard, he was relatively short winded.
{ Astrid, who’s standing up front, is the only one to raise her hand. “Won’t that give the first teams in an advantage?” she asks in a clear, confident voice.} One of my own personal don’ts, stemming from early childhood training. I never use ‘end’ punctuation within the sentence. It’s ‘end’ punctuation. This is common now, a post 1960’s change. I still remember the nun telling us that there is always a proper way to do it, it just takes a little thought to get it right. It’s a matter of personal choice, but I always point it out at least once.
}
Hey gray, the hunt sounds way cool. I had a question. What's the penalty if they get DQ'd. Do they get put down, exiled to the mines, is there some kind of dire circumstance that you can add to amp up the tension on their absolute need to be successful?
Very smooth flowing chapter.
With your writing talent, can you give me something more description than 'cold rain'? (I know you can do it!) Give me an adjective that makes me feel that cold rain, rather than you just telling me it's cold rain.
You use the speaker putting his hands up twice during his pep talk. Can one be his palms?
Right now, this hunt sounds like fun. Is that your intent? Just how serious is it to the recruits who fail? That's where your tension might be.
I liked what I read very much. You could do a little more characterization with both Wil and Vin, although I'm not sure where you would put something in. Remember that you can show characterization by your character's actions, whether they are confident, dim witted, slow to anger, anything you wanted to show. Your character has a goal. Does Wil want to be the best Guardian ever? Give us a goal, and then put obstacles in your character's way that prevent or slow down his ability to achieve that goal in order to make the reader turn the page. Sharon
Dear graymartin:
Short chapter, well done, but with a lot of more potential.
I think this is a wonderful opportunity for a little of world building. I bet they are in Washington DC, or its ruins to be exact, are they not? Are they?
In such a case, you may be able to make a short description of what is surrounding them. Such a description would aid the reader grasping that this a a future post-apocalyptic or dystopian future. E.g., a description of the Lincoln Memorial's or White House's ruins would be wonderful. You don't even have to be precise. Only vague enough for the reader to wonder if it's really Washington DC, but precise enough to allow the reader to understand that our civilization has passed away.
Now, a comment about time. Three thousand years is an eternity for humanity. Just check how much has happened during the last 3000 years. The only institution that has lasted is the Catholic Church, and only 2000 out of the 3000 years we are considering. Any other institution/country has been wiped out: All the ancient, post-bronze cultures like the Egyptians, Sumerians, Greeks, Persians, etc. The Roman and the Byzantine Empires. The Arabian empire (from Arabian Nights). The old Mongolian, Chinese, and Japanese empires. All the ancient Latin American cultures: Aztecs, Mayans, Incas, etc.
Modern nations are brand new: the USA is only 200 years old. The modern European countries, while heirs of denominations as old as the middle ages, were all forged as nations after the French revolution.
What I'm trying to say is that 3000 thousand years is too much for a civilization to last. Whatever happened 3000 years ago, and whatever the Three Founders organised 3000 years ago, most likely it wouldn't have lasted that many years. It should have been replaced by another nation/government/organization. So, you may wish to make that time shorter.
Also, 3000 is too much for ruins, unless they are very solidly built like the Egyptian pyramids. I don't think that the White House would last for 3000 years unless a serious archaeological preservation effort would be carried out. What I'm saying is that no ruins of Wahston Port would have lasted 3000 years for this kids to realised that the Founders built their capital in front of theirs.
The part about the alphas, betas, and gammas was wonderful! It reminded me of Brave New World, but never mind. It was simply awesome.
It's not clear for me if this is a drill or it's for real. I mean, if they are practicing or if they will actually be searching for a rebel leader. At first it seemed the former and after the speech the latter. You may wish to make it more clear for the reader.
Great story! I'll keep moving on.
Kiss,
Gacela.
200 brainwashed kids. Going out to destroy a whole sect of people: gammas. I don't like. It doesn't make my heart sing. I might drop the book here, but it is well written, I'll give it a chance. I mean there are some novels like this, but I stay clear of them. But being constructive I really don't understand yet what attachments mean..jumping into someone's mind? And they are after one particular type? Don't understand. Your chapters are so short, maybe I need to read two in a row to get the jist. Normally a chapter short or long has a mini conflict and resolve but so far we are in setting. Maybe okay, considering how strange this world is and yet how like Nacism it is. I, the reader, am hoping Wil and Vid will dump the bullshit and set themselves apart. I guess I'm a terrorist, too..a gamma guy. yeah why not. Arn't we the ancients.
Author
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Hi again, and thanks for sticking with me this far! You're right about this being well-trod ground (tons of dystopian young adult novels out there), so one of my concerns is that the story might come across as too cliché. I set out to write a YA version of "1984", based on the idea of "thought police" taken to the nth degree, and this is what evolved. There's a heavy vein of fascism/totalitarianism in this world, and I thought it would be interesting to have my heroes -- the revolutionaries -- arise from this society's villains (the Sifters, AKA "thought police" but alas, that brilliant term was already taken). Needless to say, my heroes/heroines are in for a major reawakening. Thanks for the helpful feedback! Take care, Gray
The ranks of humanity that the founders have created was a bit surprising: alpha, beta, and gamma. Obviously when these ranks were mentioned I immediately thought of how wolves rank themselves in a pack. It is also interesting to see that Wil and his classmates are at "Washton Port" (is it perhaps they are in a place that was once the state of Washington or Washington D.C?) I love reading these type of stories where it takes place in the future after a catastrophe. I also may have an inking on who the Gamma deev is but we will see if I am right. Another great chapter!!!
Author
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Thanks for reading on, UniMom! There's definitely a "wolf" component to this society. I kind of had a fascist regime in mind when I designed Neoden. Thanks for the feedback! Gray
This was not necessarily a short chapter, yet it was so good, it was over "too quickly" :-) This chapter has a cool title and compels me to read on, Gray! I'm that Slate might not be part of the underlying, hidden agenda, Chief Locke...then again, I'm going by hunch; I don't know Chief Locke, either, lol.
In this chapter and actually woven into the plot line is a theme a bit like Rocky, only your story is more involved. The plot of Rocky is just one of the strands in this book. Wil, primarily, is Rocky...
I'm if Vin will go very far in success, proving himself again and again, but when the BAD things come down...maybe he too is...factored out...
Good strategy to play it close...with Astrid and Chief Locke in this installment.
I vacillate between Alpha and Beta:-) My Gamma days are long gone, far as I can tell.
Looking forward to more!
Peace,
Mike
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Wil as Rocky, huh? I really like that! Guess he is a bit of an underdog, so I see where you got that from. I'm always concerned that stories like this are too derivative, since I'm hardly writing from my experience. I see shades of Star Wars, Hunger Games, Lord of the Flies, 1984 and Harry Potter, to name a few. Still I hope it comes across as original enough. Thanks so much for reading on! Gray
This is an excellent piece of work. By the time I got to the end I was already itching for the following chapter. Sci-fi has a strange connection with the number 3 and here again, it works so well with the alpha, beta and gamma references, the 'founding three' and three-thousand-years; intriguing. On to chapter 3 now :)
Thoroughly enjoyed it!
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Thanks for the kind words, Tamihana! I appreciate the feedback and encouragement. I think you have some more chapters posted, so I'll get to them. Gray
Graymartin,
So I've returned for another lesson in how to write. Since you specifically wanted feedback on the plot, character development, and pace, that is what will follow.
Pacing :
I think the pacing is good, it moves along fast enough. There's a lot you're trying to cover in a small space. A lot of background. This is the hardest part of being a world builder. I haven't learned it yet so I won't comment further, but I think if you aren't there on the pacing for detail dumps, you're close.
Plot :
This definitely feels ripe for a good intro, if a little cliche'. That's not in a bad way though, some plots are eternal and I think some dangerous competition in a YA novel is almost required. This routes back to the pace though and character development. This part feels like it's missing something, more on that below.
Character development:
I don't know enough about your protagonist yet for me to really be cheering for them. I've met them, I understand some of their world, and I've seen some character interaction, but I don't know why I should cheer for him over anyone else. You get a little bit of the underdog feeling but its not firmly implanted.
In sum, this feels like the final exam, but I've missed the semester before it. Does that make sense? I'm not saying its a bad thing, but that's just my personal impression, and its certainly not worth changing if you're settled.
Your writing is exceptional, and you have a great story bubbling here that has caught my interest.
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Thanks for that insightful review, Mark. Dystopian YA is way out of my comfort zone as a writer, yet something I enjoy reading so much that I wanted to try my hand at it. This first book in a planned series (probably a trilogy) -- while technically finished at a wordy 100,000 -- still needs plenty of work. A lot of the character development feeds off of the YA relationships I try to build between Wil, Vin and especially Astrid. First, though, I wanted to set the "ground rules" for this world, which is based on Orwell's concept of thought police taken to a telepathic extreme.
Thanks so much for taking the time to help! --Gray
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Ann Everett