4.
Fox Hunt
I scan the crowded rail-trans for Vin, finding him next to one of the far doors. He’s hard to pick out in his bulky black Settlers’ cloak. So far, we’ve managed to blend in perfectly.
Not that the natives of Washton look like they’d notice much. The pale-skinned men and women packed in around us all wear the same lifeless expressions, as dull as the sack-like clothing on their backs. You get the feeling some of them wouldn’t react if you walked over and slapped them right in the face.
And the thoughts! What’s really scary is how the minds around me seem equally blank. With most crowds, I can’t help but pick up at least some juicy fragments. But here, in this cramped rail-trans, streaking through a tunnel of darkness, I get nothing. No lust or passion. No envy. No scheming. No anger. Just a dull yellow aura that’s too washed out to call fear. It’s the kind of mindless anxiety you’d expect from a bunch of caged mice. Mice living next to a snake.
What in flames is wrong with this place?
It’s a disturbing question I push aside as soon as my ear bud beeps. A finger tap retrieves the expected message: all Guardians have now entered the target zone.
The Fox Hunt is on.
We pull up to the station platform. Vin’s out first and I follow him closely, weaving through the crowd of disembarking passengers. The smell hits me right away – a mix of human sweat, burnt diesel and Sani-Chem. I press on through the stink, trying not to breathe through my nose. Up ahead, the path splits into two concrete ramps, one sloping upward and the other descending into darkness. Vin makes quick eye contact and rolls his eyes to the right in a question: the up ramp?
Beats going down. I don’t even want to know what’s beneath this crypt-like level.
Five ramps later, we step out into watery daylight. The air smells fresher outside, but not by much. What was light rain when we landed has frozen into wind-driven pellets of ice. I’m wearing four layers, but the cold still knifes through me.
“Sleet in the summer.” Vin pulls the hood over his head. “Excellent.”
Settlers stream from the station, like bees swarming out of a concrete hive. We move with the crowd, crossing the street into a jumble of tents and concrete shacks. The makeshift settlement sprawls out in all directions for as far as the eye can see, crisscrossed by a maze of slush-covered footpaths. Most of the shelters piled up around us have corrugated tin roofs, but some are just covered with plywood or tarps. Wisps of blue smoke rise from hundreds of improvised chimneys, adding to a blanket of refinery smog.
“Good thing the ground’s frozen.” Vin sidesteps a pile of garbage. “’Cause I’m pretty sure we’re walking on raw sewage. Did you know there were places like this?”
I shake my head. Even the Camps seem luxurious by comparison. As we pass through the settlement, the sound of sleet rattling off metal fills the air, fraying my nerves. Vin leans in to ask which direction we should try first.
“There’s something happening down there.” I point to the crowd gathered a few blocks ahead of us. When I squint into the wind, I can just make out the wooden frames of stalls, some dotted with color. “Looks like a market. May as well start there.”
As we approach the first row of stalls, I scan the items for sale. Potatoes and a few moldy-looking heads of cabbage. Hanging racks of small game, some animals skinned but most still in their fur. Poultry. Pungent mounds of fish. Bread. Meager pickings, but the narrow footpaths of the market are crowded with shoppers. Even in this icy wasteland, people need to eat.
With any luck, one of those people will be our Gamma.
The port, with its massive refineries and tangle of pipelines, looms just beyond the market district. That will be our extraction point. Which means we’re standing in the middle of the hunting zone. The target must be nearby. I close my eyes and filter out the background noise, trying to focus on the most powerful thoughts around me.
“Team Astrid,” Vin interrupts, pulling me back. “Twelve o’clock.”
He’s right. Even though they’re camouflaged almost perfectly in their Settler’s robes, I catch a stray lock of Brenne’s hair flaming out from her hood. From what I’ve seen, the hair around here only comes in two colors: white and gray.
“Good call, Vin. Not many redheads in the Northern Territory.”
“Should we go the other way?”
“No. Let’s see where they’re headed.”
Vin eyes me with alarm. “Think they’re tracking?”
I consider the possibility. “Doubt it. I’m picking up nothing. How about you?”
“Just static, man. This place is brain dead.”
I’m about to agree when a chill runs through me. The wind’s driving hard now, but that can’t explain this tingling sensation. It’s as if every nerve in my body just fired simultaneously.
“Nothing here,” Vin says. “Let’s try the station again. At least we –”
“Ssssh!” I raise a hand to cut him off.
“What? Got something?”
“Not sure yet.”
He gives me a couple of minutes of silence before losing his patience. “What is it?”
“She’s close,” I whisper. “Really close.”
“She?” He gives me a puzzled look. “You mean Astrid? Yeah, I know. She just turned the corner up ahead.”
“No. It’s the Gamma. She’s here.”
“You’re listening in?”
“Not yet. Not close enough for that.”
“Then how do you know it’s a she?”
“Because she’s flaring, big time.”
Flares, or hot auras, are intense emotions such as lust, terror, rage. Unlike thoughts, they’re easier to pick up at a distance – bright colors for me and strong, overpowering odors for Vin – but almost impossible to pinpoint, because they permeate their surroundings. And right now, the flare I’m sensing is a complicated one with shifting shades. Definitely feminine.
I close my eyes, trying to put the swirling hues of blue and red into words. Tension. Defiance. But not panic. No, this emotional state is the opposite of panic. The word that pops to mind is purpose.
“She knows we’re here,” I whisper.
Go straight, past the market.
At first, I think the order is coming from my ear bud, but this voice is different – a woman’s voice, high-pitched and muffled as if passing through water. Familiar even though I’ve never heard it before.
Where is she? I spin in a slow circle to scan the crowd. Nothing. Just an endless sea of Settlers, most faces concealed by hoods.
Don’t stop. Keep moving.
The words push me forward, forcing my legs into a jog. Vin’s right at my heels as we weave through the crowd, cloaked bodies pressing against us, a mob of brown and black walling us in from all sides.
That’s when the voices flood in. Way too many voices, so many it’s impossible to tell the spoken ones from the thoughts. I try in vain to filter out the background conversations. Merchants haggling over prices. Two Settlers arguing over a loaf of bread. Anger that there’s no milk left. Somewhere behind me, a child wails out in hunger. The shrill cry rips through my brain.
Gain control. Filter!
But I can’t. For every voice I manage to block, three louder ones rush in to take its place, and I can’t stop the flood. Can’t even slow it down.
Vin asks what’s going on, but it’s impossible to explain. Covering my ears does nothing to block out the noise. It’s the sound of a thousand screaming souls, funneled right into my mind.
I don’t need to ask Vin for help. He’s already dragging me through the crowd, telling me to hold on. Luckily, he seems to be unaffected by whatever’s incapacitating me. When I stumble, he hauls me up over his shoulder in one fluid motion.
“Frag the drill!” He pivots to find an escape route. “We’re out of here!”
The nearest Settlers clear a path, eyeing us warily as we pass. Their thoughts assault me, clawing at my mind. Alarm. Fear. Paranoia. Revulsion.
But then, suddenly, they all stop. Abruptly. Like someone pulled a plug.
“Vin!” I grab his hand. “I’m okay. You can put me down now.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I roll off his shoulder, landing cleanly on my feet. “It’s over now.”
“What’s over? What in flames just happened to you back there?”
“No idea.” I massage my throbbing temples. “One second, I was listening in, and the next, I couldn’t stop the voices. They just kept coming.”
“Weird. What about the Gamma? Still tracking her?”
“No.” I close my eyes and do a quick scan just to make sure. “She’s gone.”
As the word ‘gone’ leaves my lips, my ear bud beeps, twice this time. From Vin’s deflated expression, I know he’s getting the signal too.
We tap our ears to confirm the mission is over. We’re being recalled to the extraction site, immediately. Another team just tagged the Gamma.
We’ve failed.
“Damn.” Vin kicks at the frozen dirt. “Who do you think got her?”
I roll my eyes in disgust.
“Team Astrid?”
“Who else?”
“But we were right on their tail!”
I shrug. “Yeah. Too bad there’s no prize for second place.”
We’ve cleared the market crowd and are standing next to the concrete shell of an ancient-looking building. No way of knowing how far back the structure goes, but some of the bricks, marble blocks and columns look like they’ve been scavenged from the ruins. I lean against a partially collapsed wall, catching my breath even though there’s no reason to be winded.
What just happened still has me shaken. I can’t escape the feeling that the voices could flood in again, at any moment. Then there’s the fact we came so close, only to lose in the last moments of the chase. We were seconds away from cornering our target, but that wasn’t enough.
“Wil,” Vin says. “You ready? Better get going. Time for the walk of shame.”
I’m about to agree when I feel the sudden urge to turn.
That’s when I see her, standing at the other side of the market. Less than thirty paces away.
The girl I’ve been tracking.
I check the crowd for Enforcers, but she’s unguarded. She’s not the one they just caught. Could she be a second Gamma? Is it possible?
Calmly, she reaches up to remove her hood and just like that, I’m staring into the eyes of a ghost.
Deep green eyes, the color of emeralds.
Liv.
She’s a teenager now, tall and lanky, with darker, wilder hair than I remember. Pale skin and a lean, angular face. Delicate nose. Thin lips. None of these features, not even in combination, would identify her as the girl in my dreams.
But those eyes.
For a split second, they urge me to trust her and then she’s gone – vanished into the crowd. This time, I know it’s her voice in my head, telling me to follow.
No time to think. I sprint after her, ignoring Vin’s shouts that I’m going the wrong way. Beyond the market, the path narrows into a dimly lit maze. Dark stone walls rise around me, creating the illusion of falling into the ground. Or maybe I really am. I glimpse Liv’s shadow up ahead, flickering like a mirage that’s just out of reach. If I stumble now, she’ll slip away, but that’s not going to happen. I need to warn her. Tell her she’s not safe here.
This time, I won’t fail her.
“Wil!” Vin shouts. “Mission’s over! We’ve gotta get back! Now!”
No time to explain. If I slow my pace, even for a second, I’ll lose her.
There’s brighter light up ahead, just beyond a flight of steps, which I take in three leaps to the top. And here I freeze, looking up at something that words could never capture: a plateau of ruins the size of a small city, stretching out to the horizon.
The stone structure has been scavenged, leaving gaping holes in the walls, and in some places, crooked pillars still cling to their foundations, jutting out and yellowed like rotting teeth. But it’s the white dome that grabs my attention. Toppled over on its side, it looks like a massive egg, cracked open with part of its shell missing.
The Ancients used to rule from here, I realize with a shiver. This was their seat of power.
Vin catches up to me and we stare at the shattered dome, mouths gaping. I don’t even need to scan the ruins to know Liv’s not here. I can feel it in my core. I’ve lost her again.
Or maybe she was never here to begin with. Maybe I’m just losing my mind. Chasing ghosts.
“I –” I stammer, wishing for once that Guardians could sift one another. How else am I supposed to explain to my best friend what just happened? What excuse can I offer for putting him in this situation? When we fail to show up at the extraction point, the instructors will do more than rip into us. We’ll be lucky if we’re still Guardians at the end of the day.
And what if they learn the truth? That we didn’t get back in time because I was chasing a childhood friend. A girl with the swirling aura of a Gamma.
No, whatever I tell Vin, it can’t be the truth. That knowledge would put him in way too much danger.
“Vin, I –”
“Don’t tell me.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “Sudden urge to go sightseeing, right?”
Laugh or cry? With Vin, the choice is always easy.
“Couldn’t help myself,” I say, grinning like a maniac. “Washton’s just so damn beautiful this time of year.”
Once the laughter starts, we can’t control it. Our howls and hoots echo off the ruins. If we’re going to go down, at least we’ll go down in hysterics. We’ve just started to sober up when a harsh male voice calls out to us from the shadows.
“You! What in flames are you doing here?”
The accusation jolts me like a lightning stick to the head. First thought: we’ve been hunted down by an Enforcer. But then I recognize the two cloaked figures stepping out of the shadows.
Ferro and Brenne. The startled looks on their faces must mirror ours.
“We could ask you the same question,” I say. “Where’s Astrid?”
“Right behind you.”
I turn to find the Prime Founder’s daughter, standing at the top of the granite steps with her arms crossed. Unlike the others, she looks perfectly calm, her expression as controlled and unreadable as ever.
“The mission’s over,” she says, eyeing me like I’m a bloodroach that just crawled out from the rubble beneath her feet. “We need to get back to the extraction point.”
“No one’s stopping you, Princess,” I point out.
That sparks Fahrenheit’s fuse. He stalks toward me with his fists raised. “Watch that filthy tongue of yours, Settler!”
“For what?” Vin steps between us. “Calling her Princess? If that’s gonna get you all worked up, I’ve got some choice words for you.”
Ferro puffs out his chest. “I wasn’t talking to you, low-blood. Why don’t you crawl back to whatever rat-infested Camp you came from?”
Vin gives me a tight-lipped smile – the kind of expression I’m all too familiar with. This is going to escalate. Fast.
“I’ll do that,” he tells Ferro in a silky voice. “And I’ll make you a deal. When I get there, I’ll be sure to say hi to your mom.”
The taunt may be lame, but it works.
Ferro’s right arm is already in motion, sweeping forward in a lazy hook.
He never connects. Before he can come close, Vin sidesteps the clumsy motion, countering with two quick jabs to the gut. Ferro grunts and doubles over, dropping his arms to defend his mid-section.
Bad move. Seconds later, a brutal upper-cut snaps his head back and lifts him clean off his feet.
Less than five seconds into the fight and he’s already on the ground. I’ll give Fahrenheit credit: his nose may be gushing red, but he still comes back for more punishment. Vin’s about to deliver it when Astrid lunges between them.
“Stop it!” She pushes them apart with surprising speed and force. “Both of you! Now’s not the time for this!”
Perhaps it’s because he’s just been manhandled by a girl who can’t be much more than half his weight, but Vin lowers his arms to his sides, looking dumbfounded. Meanwhile, Ferro takes the opportunity to duck away and lick his wounds.
“Bastard started it,” he whines, yelping as Brenne applies pressure to his busted nose.
Vin shakes his head in disbelief. “Started it my ass!”
“Who gives a rot?” Astrid checks her time stamp. “Grow up! Right now, we’ve got bigger problems. The recall signal came half an hour ago, which means....” For some reason, she turns to me to finish the thought. “They might leave without us. What are we going to do then, genius?”
I’m about to admit I have no idea when a blinding flash lights up the sky – like a million strobes firing all at once. At the same time, Astrid gasps, hands shooting to her mouth.
She’s staring skyward, eyes wide at the sight of something that must be terrifying.
Something right behind me.
I turn.
Just in time to see the entire port section of Washton burst into flames.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
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Well, heck fire. I reviewed this chapter this morning, then lost the whole thing!! Man, I hate it when that happens.
Wow, what a great hook at the end.
I'm always surprised when I start reading something out of my comfort zone and find out I like it!! I did that with Bimmy's steam punk story, Fate Wars. I didn't even know what steam punk was. I loved it!
I feel the same about your story. This makes me want to read on to find out if Liv saw Wil or if they were just communicating by thoughts. I'm also wondering how and why Astrid and her bunch ended up at the same place as Wil and Vin. So, you're leaving enough crumbs for me to keep following the trail.
I'm a big "thater"...so I've listed places you can do away with some. Shoot, you might like them. I'm that way with "was" and "ands" I use a lot of them. I think it's because my favorite writer in the whole world uses a lot and I'm influenced by her.
Anyway, this is an excellent chapter and I look forward to more!
~Ann
Not that the natives of Washton look like they’d notice much. The men and women packed in around us all wear the same trance-like expressions, [expressions] as dull and impenetrable as the sack-like ***not sure you need to repeat this word. It still reads okay without it.
It’s a disturbing question [that] I push aside as soon as my ear bud beeps.
All around us, Settlers are streaming from the station, like bees swarming out of a concrete hive. ***LUV this line.
That’s when the voices flood in. Way too many voices, so many [that] it’s impossible to tell the spoken ones from the thoughts.
Reluctantly, we tap our ears to confirm[that] the sim is over.
What just happened still has me shaken. I can’t escape the feeling [that] the voices could flood in again, at any moment.
By now, Vin has caught up to me and we’re both staring up at the shattered dome, mouths wide open. I don’t even need to scan the ruins to know [that] Liv’s not here.
Wow! This just gets better and better.
The only thing I would suggested is to beef up your sensory detail of the shanty town. Garbage, human waste smells, sensations of cold…especially the cold, it’s kind of underplayed. I’d like more description of the wil/liv chase as well.
Other than that, super fantastic on pace and characters. Although I feel Wil is actually coming off as less of a memorable character than Vin. It’s not that I don’t like Wil, he just seems kind of blah, up next to Vin.
Bimmy
Very nice chapter. I agree with one of the other reviewers- needs a little more on the other senses- a city has smells- even sterile ones, as well as noises, sights, and sounds. While I thought this ch moved along nicely and the hook at the end was a nice touch, it was a little too un-sensory for me if that makes sense. All in all though, nicely done.
Hey, graymartin - Ah, so it's D.C. Should have thought of that already. So the Earth is either in the middle of an ice age, or it has shifted on its axis? Cool!
Liv has ended up in this "outpost" and Wil finds her - almost. And with the city suddenly ablaze, what's he to do? Leave with the others or stay behind to rescue her? Good suspense here as it begs the question: what's with the fire?
- ...faces concealed [behind] (by) hoods.
Another clean, absorbing chapter. Damn. I'm now committed to reading YA! :)
Take care,
Jack
I'm back again! When I'm into a story I like to read chapters in chunks rather than just one at a time. It helps me keep everything in perspective.
--I felt a little disoriented with the change in setting. Not that it's a drastic change, but are they still where Locke gave them the speech? I was thrown by "rail transport," wondering if maybe the setting had changed. If not then ignore me; I might have just missed something.
--Ah, okay, I see in the second graph that they have changed settings. Maybe it's just me.
--Great reaction of Wil's to the blank minds around him. He interacts authentically with his environment and this helps him come to life.
--Love the adverb usage here: "watery daylight."
--"the sound of sleet rattling off [of] metal"... see what you think. I have this mania for deleting superfluous words lol, even if they're grammatically called for. (Don't get me started on the word "that"!) I really like the visual of Wil "squinting" into the wind. Also great description of the market. It's how it should be: brief, hitting only the most important elements. I find it so exhausting when the author tries to describe EVERYTHING. Chances are the reader will forget those details and construct their own, anyway!
--Ooh. Instead of "I catch a stray lock of Brenne's flaming hair poking out..." would you consider: "I catch a stray lock fo Brenne's hair flaming out..." it would tighten the sentence a bit more and still remind us she's a redhead.
--"but I'm too bundled up for that to be the reason." Didn't he say earlier that his layers provided poor protection from the weather?
--Love the explanation of flares/hot auras. You weave these into the story skillfully.
--"eyeing us wearily"... did you mean "warily"?
--You do a great job when Wil is overwhelmed by the voices/senses. I got a clear sense of it and especially liked the woman's voice seeming to come to him as if from underwater.
--Might Vin express a little annoyance/frustration with Wil, thinking that he's the reason they lost the gamma? This could build tension between them, show that their friendship is not impervious to strain and all that.
--The appearance of Liv was totally unexpected! I love it. So, to return to my previous statement... don't change your prologue. It fits with this scene like a puzzle piece. Everyone on here will tell you to cut it, but don't. Seriously.
--"If I slow my pace, even for a second..." maybe rearrange this slightly so you don't repeat "I'll lose her"? (You say that a paragraph or two above, too.)
--"And what if I learn the truth..." I'm tempted to cut this. Only because it seems a bit too neat, a bit too "conflict with a bow on top." Though I would save it to plunk into your synopsis, if you ever plan to submit to agents/editors! It's a great attention-grabber. Try to leave some things up to interpretation of the reader early on, and then hone them as you proceed, if that makes sense.
---"The taunt may be juvenile"... haha, I don't know, Wil is just a kid after all. Maybe he'll think it's a good one. :-P Mothers are ALWAYS fair game when it comes to insult wars!
--Excellent hook at the end. This is moving along wonderfully. I'm looking forward to reading on!
JLiz
So much happened here, but it was all understandable, if you know what I mean. I don't read a lot of fantasy because the writer gets bogged down into too much detail, facts that are only relevant at the time and never spoke of again. I get confused, but not so here. I know exactly what's going on every second. Wil has a will of his own doesn't he, and loyal Vin is going to follow. Is it really Liv he saw? Are they going to make it back to the extraction point in time, not to mention what the hell just lit up Washton? Great chapter, dags:)
I keep reading this and getting lost in the story - forgetting to nitpick & all that. I'm really enjoying it. Nice description & metaphor when describing the natives.
Nit: The make-shift settlement sprawls out in all [direction] for as far...(directions). Not sure because you are doing first person present - but you might consider italicising direct inner thoughts. I wasn't sure why all of the sudden he could hear all these voices after he had described it as brain dead before - but I'm guessing you'll explain that scene later.
Great Hook ending!
Another great chapter, Graeme!
The target/enforcer thing is clearer now, but I still think it needs something to lock me in.
I was confused by a few things:
'I wonder how Garrick and his asthmatic lungs are dealing.'>> who is he? I've forgotten
I remember Liv the childhood friend, but I was confused about her being a gamma, too. I assume she's a terrorist(?)
Why ARE Astrid & Co conveniently there at the same wrong time? I think this needs some explanation or it's too handily coincidental.
Great page-turning ending!
: )
Terri
Hi GM. This story continues to get better, the more I read of it. What is curious is that I cannot decide which society is more intriguing, the Neodens or the Gammas. The Gammas appear to exist in a low-level industrial world similar to early mechanized culture, circa 1840's. The Neodens, by contrast, appear to have a tech similar to mid-to late fusion power. The fact that both appear to dwell within spitting distance of each other makes for an interesting dichotomy. It will be interesting to see how much interplay they have with each other.
Nits, Comments & Concerns:
>>We move with the crowd, crossing the street into a shanty town of tents and concrete shacks. The make-shift >>settlement sprawls out in all directions for as far as the eye can see, crisscrossed by a maze of slush-covered >>footpaths.
This is an excellent description of industrial poverty. It reminds me a bit of Norman Spinrad's description of the mutant city in the first chapter of his book, "The Iron Dream".
>>“Sleet in the summer,” Vin grumbles, pulling the hood up over his head. “Excellent.”
Having visited Washington D.C. several times, I know that the summer is actually quite hot, with frequent temperature inversions. As such, your description of ice storms is incongruous. One solution which comes to mind is that these youngsters are actually from the Southern Hemisphere; they have crossed the equator, and the seasons are reversed.
>>“Just static, man. This place is brain dead.”
Vin's statement reveals that they do have electronics, at least.
Brain-dead requires a hyphen.
>>That’s when the voices flood in. Way too many voices, so many that it’s impossible to tell the spoken ones from >>the thoughts. I try in vain to filter out the background conversations.
If your Neoden culture has nailed down the wavelengths of thought, then telepathic scramblers would be fairly easy to set up. You could even network several telepaths to shut down a competitor. I suspect that's what this is.
>>And I’ll make you a deal: if you ask real nice, I’ll be sure to say hi to your mom when we get there.”
Re: my earlier comments about fatherless/motherless children. There is always an undercurrent of resentment for them not being around. This makes a person an easy target, and a point of rage to ignite.
>>“They might leave without us. What are we going to do then, genius?”
Which implies that the fate of the youngsters is less important than getting out of the Gamma section. If so, then the Gammas are regarded as overly dangerous, which could imply any number of things. I look forward to seeing you fill in the blanks.
Lawrence
Man, Gray, you're making it easy for me to grasp the world you're building with such clarity. I very much like your characters, all of them, the street dwellers are an awesome visual. The chapter was such fun, fast paced and very vivid. Seeing Wil use his powers was absolutely nothing like hearing about them. They came alive with your action. I was so excited when we found out the gamma Wil thought he was following turned out to be Liv. And she saved ('trust me') Wil from the flames. Astrid's bunch too (maybe not intentionally). A big page turner because I want to find out if the rest of the team is alive and if so, did the ship take off thinking they were all dead? Kinda puts the two teams in a survival situation and Liv may may have some answers. Anyway, right or wrong, those were my thoughts as I read. And I loved it.
Only one small nit:
“Stop it!” [S](s)he cries, pushing them apart with surprising speed and force. **shouldn't this be lower case to finish out the sentence? Otherwise I feel she is crying tears after she yells stop it.
That's all I could find. Very much enjoyed the read, see you in the next chapter.
Susan
What the hell is wrong with this place?
-Very natural!
What was light rain when we landed has frozen into wind-driven pellets of ice.
-Great description!
Farroe’s right arm is already in motion, sweeping forward in a wide, lazy hook. (Eliminate Paragraph Break) He never connects, of course.
-Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
She’s staring skyward, eyes wide at the sight of something that must be terrifying.
Something right behind me.
-Breaking these two up doesn't seem to aid in the intensity and seems choppy. Best to combine and rewrite.
What a gripping close! Now all five are stranded in a burning city!
Yup, drastic changes indeed! I'm wondering if they're going to end up teaming up with Astrid and co...I agreed with Ann about her additions. Would have added those myself but she already did it for me. I only had a question about one sentence: "Just a diffuse[d] anxiety – the kind of dumb animal emotion you’d expect from a bunch of caged mice." I'm not really feeling my "fix," but something about the word diffuse just struck me as off. I'm wondering even if contained or controlled might work better with anxiety. I'm thinking you mean some sort of wide-spread low level of anxiety among the general masses, but I'm coming up blank in terms of a better way to succinctly describe it ...On to the next chapter!
mmk
I could have used a bit more descriotion, but I'm one of those people who'll describe every blade of grass if allowed to. In specific, it took me some time to realize the shanty town was outdoors. Could have sworn it was in a large cavern at the top of a ramp.
Mmm I see everyone else tagged the Washington thing here. That means I really did overanalyze last chapter. Oh well.
I like Farroe. I'm glad he didn't die.
-K
Excellent! Perfect! Wonderful! Great!
I was absolutely hooked from start to finish. Loved the scene where Wil starts to receive signals, the chasing, the recognition of Liv..and the fight with the other guys is perfect. And, I'm sensing a possible alliance is about to form?
the ending, the port blowing up, and they're missing the boat, great. Now I can't wait to read on.
This is the best chapter yet. Action, suspense, and the hook at end. Wow. I can't believe you're thinking about shelving this story. Unless something changes dramatically in the next twenty chapters or you've written yourself into a corner, you have to continue this.
I really have nothing to offer you except praise. I'm definitely going to continue reading.
Don
Excellent chapter, it pulled the reader through while it also gave enough information to both make the reader aware of the camp’s desperate situation and that it is indeed the remains of Washington D.C., as the reader suspected from the beginning. It also has an excellent hook at the end with destruction of the port area and the rest of the hunters. I was very tempted to keep reading despite other things to do.
I didn’t notice any grammatical nit other than your tendency to use the present tense rather than the past, but that might have been from the pull of the writing.
I do have a couple of observations below which I hope are helpful. R.M.
{, but some are just covered with plywood or tarps.} Just an observation, but plywood wouldn’t last long unless sealed in some way, like varnish, paint, etc. On the other hand, boards would. The glue can’t handle the combination of wet and the changes in temperature. A few years after the collapse plywood would be a memory.
{“Looks like a market. That’s as good a place to start as any.”} Standard training would be to use a search pattern of some sort, spiral, grid, or strip. I suggest Wil consider options and decide on letting ‘instinct’ guide him in a random search, knowing the others will use organized procedures. The next paragraph, {The port,…} would be the perfect setup. You could move it up to the question and put Wil’s answer after it. Just a thought.
{ The words push me forward, forcing my legs into a jog.} In this context the sentence has the feeling of compulsion, vs inclination. That is, is the voice compelling him or is it his curiosity? Either way, the sentence is excellent.
{ Liv.} I don’t recall her name being given in the prolog. If it wasn’t, the impact of the name now is lost. I’d consider having him calling her name repeatedly as he ran after the bus. It’s dramatic and the single repetition here would recall it.
Dear Graymartin:
Very nice chapter. This time you allowed more world building and showed us Capitol Hill ruins. Well done!
However, there's still room for showing more. While Nic is chasing the evasive girls, you can show us the dark alleys, the bad smells, the people sleeping on the street, etc. I understand it should be a sort of impoverished settlement. Even if there is a "rich" zone, the area by the ruins should the the poorest.
The part in the market is perfect. The thoughts and voices heard give a good idea about what "sifting" means. The end is a wonderful hook.
Kiss
Gacela.
Hey graymartin,
I was thinking this story sounded familiar, then I get slammed when I tried to leave a review for chapter 2 and saw I'd already reviewed it. And if that wasn't embarrassing enough, in my rush to read chapter 2, I forgot to add the rest of my suggestions for chapter one. It's been a long day, enjoyable but long nonetheless. :)
chapter one
...even though her lips haven't moved. *Ooh, she speaks telepathically. :)
When she first spoke telepathically you italicize her words without quotation marks, but then you use the quotation marks here: ["]No,["] she answers, her lips still not moving/her lips still motionless.
*And again: ["]You've stripped them all,["] she prompts, waiting for him to repeat her words.
chapter 2
A solid shoulder punch pulls me out of my thoughts. *shoulder punch" sounds off.
..the primary engines of the Silver Wing transport caught on... *"caught on" sounds off, how about "started" or fired up?
..then pounds [on] my shoulder again.
None of us born in a Camp has/have one. *"None has" sounds off
..is Wil-DEC0119XIV... love it.
Whoever mom/Mom is...
..or maybe those came from dad/Dad. *maybe proper pronouns in this world aren't capitilized.
The last thing we need [right now] is (to) pick a fight.
..three pairs of eyes.. *three pairs of eyes with two people? did I miss something? I hope not, and can't wait to see where the other eyeballs are located.
I love the fact that the ancients are taboo, kinda like today, huh?
chapter 4
The same zoned(-)out expressions...
Mice living next to a snake. * love this, too.
..I wonder how Garrick's asthmatic lungs are dealing (with it).
When I squint into the wind, I can just/barely make out the wooden frames of stalls...
Vin's at his heels in one paragraph, then "He's dragging me through the crowd." *show him taking the lead
..a brutal upper cut/uppercut snaps his head back..
Started it(,) my ass!
*If I listed everything I liked about these opening chapters, I'd be up until the small hours tonight. Great story, gm
Well,this does up the interest in the story. A lot of questions. The girl of his dreams is a gamma. And Astrid was perhaps following them even after she was called back to the ship . And did they really get a gamma? So they were called back as a false alarm before the decision was made to blow up the city. Freaky. And merciless. Anyway this is what this reader is thinking as he reads this.
Author
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Thanks once again for sticking with this, and for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you're asking many of the questions I hoped you would be asking at this point. As a warning, the next chapter (4. Aftermath) shifts the POV to my main villain and is told (eeek!) in third person. I've already decided to drop those chapters (there are only 3, dispersed throughout the story) and stick with Wil's narrative throughout, so if you haven't reached 4 already, I'd just skip it. Thanks! Gray
Again with the author's note. Let's say for example that your book becomes published. What then? Have you read a book where the author constantly tells you things that have happened? I'm not trying to be rude in any way, but this just never occurs. Take what you would write in the author's note and implement it into the story.
Author
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Consider those author's notes deleted. Not sure why I put them in to begin with. Thanks for sticking with this! Gray
Since its been awhile from the last time I read your previous chapter, I may have to go back. I have a few questions. It seems that the Fox Hunt is a yearly activity for those about to become Guardians...so it would seem as if the settlers would know about this annual "hunt", not oblivious to it. Yet like I said its been awhile so you may have mentioned they do these "hunts" in various places in Neoden. Your descriptions of the settlers town is quite sad that they have to live like that especially when the Founders no doubt have extravagant houses.
You have set up the next chapter quite nicely and now I need to know what happened in Washton Port!
Author
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That's a good question. They do indeed do these "hunts" in different parts of Neoden, so you're right about that. I'll have to check my last couple of chapters to see if I made this clear or not. Thanks for reading on, and for your feedback! Gray
You dialed it up, here, Gray. With an economy of words, you can grab ANYONE - provided they've a pulse - anyone's attention. All the way through, I was doing the tracking, sniffing, wondering, "Where did she go!?"
So it seems, if I'm catching on, that both Wil's "team" and Astrid's...
So...Liv is the one for Wil...? I'll just have to read on and find out; a can-do:-)
That explosion was a great chapter-end hook, Gray!
Peace,
Mike
Author
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Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement!
Hi Grey,
Yet another enjoyable chapter that I find hard to fault. In fact I would say it has been perfectly written.
I really like they way you connected with the opening chapter as a tease. It's dangled then taken away just as quickly as a twist is delivered. A nice cliff-hanger ending to the chapter as well.
Loved it :)
TJ
Author
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Thanks for those encouraging words, TJ. Much appreciated! Gray
So now we're getting to see a bit more of what our protagonist can do talent-wise. More than that I get to see a new world being crafted. I have to admit Washton Port feels very depressing! I'm sure that's on purpose. I can almost feel the languid icyness. Like a frozen society.
I particularly liked the bit about the market wares. "Even in this icy wasteland, people need to eat."
Flaring is interesting, I like it a lot. Your explanation of how it permeates the area is really intriguing, really cool for lack of any better terminology.
Vin is definitely seeming like a nice compliment. Caring for his friend.
If I had one critique, it's the reveal here:
Calmly, she reaches up to remove her hood and just like that, I’m staring into the eyes of a ghost.
Deep green eyes, the color of emeralds.
Liv.
I found it a bit underwhelming. You're good at detailing so much, but this feels like the build up is a line or two short. This is purely stylistic but I'd re-write it like this:
Calmly, she reached up to remover her hood. What I see is impossible. It couldn't be her. But those eyes. That pale skin, the angular face. Her delicate nose and thin lips--it is her!
Liv
She's a teenager now, tall and lanky with darker, wilder hair than I remember.
--
I realized after my re-write the importance over eyes over the rest of the description, but I hope you can kind of get the gist of where I was going with it. Dragging it out, building the tension.
--
And then we end with a bang...literally? All that talk of tension. Well now there certainly is! Quite the hook.
Author
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Thanks for the read and review, Mark. Good suggestion on that pivotal moment in the chapter, too. Sorry I've been away from the site for a while and missed this. I'll try to get back to my reading this week. Take care! Gray
No
Ann Everett