15.
Recovery
The infirmary, like everything else in York Command, looks like it’s been thrown together overnight from rusted scrap metal. Naked fluorescents flicker overhead, washing the narrow room with blue light that makes even Vin’s complexion look anemic. He’s seated at Brenne’s bedside, resting in the same spot where I left him an hour ago. When he sees me coming, he raises a hand in tired salute.
“How’s she doing?” I ask, eyes moving to Brenne. She’s still asleep, cropped hair peeking out from beneath layers of thermal blankets. An IV tube of warming solution snakes into one arm.
“Better.” Vin pats the foot of her bed, stirring up the stuffy, iodine-scented air. “She’s just wiped out from the concussion and pain killers.”
“And the hypothermia?”
We all came off the ice half frozen, but Brenne’s core temperature dropped dangerously low – so low there was even talk of her not making it through the night.
“Temperature’s back to normal with no signs of organ damage,” Vin reports. “Girl’s tougher than she looks.”
“Must be, to put up with you.”
He matches my grin, not protesting the idea that they’re a couple. Just like Vin with his trusting nature to rush into a relationship. Then again, it’s amazing how fast things move when every moment feels like it could be your last.
“How’s Fahrenheit?”
Vin rolls his eyes across the room to Ferro’s cubicle, which is still walled off by a privacy curtain. Looks like someone’s not being very social. “He’ll live, thanks to us. Not that I’d hold my breath for any grati-fraggin-tude.”
“And his leg?”
“A clean break.” He scowls as if disappointed. “They’re pumping the bone with stem cells and growth factor right now. Snot-nosed bastard should be strutting around again by the end of the week.”
“That’s good news, I guess. Is Astrid still hovering over him?”
“At his bedside right now. Not one word of thanks from her either, by the way.”
“Give her time. She’s probably still in shock.”
“Hold up.” Vin grins and jabs at my shoulder. Hard. “Am I hearing things or did you just defend the Ice Princess?”
“I’m not defending her,” I grumble, rubbing the tender spot where he just whacked me. “Not her attitude, at least. I’m just saying she probably feels pretty terrible right now for dragging her friends into this mess.”
Just like I do.
“Yeah, well you might be right about that.” Vin tilts his head toward Ferro’s cubicle and I hear the rustling of curtains behind me. “Why don’t you ask her?”
I pivot to find Astrid approaching. She’s wearing a bulky parka like mine, making me wonder whether she’s already been outside.
“Wil.” She tilts her head. “You’re back.”
For some reason, the simple statement puts me on the defensive. She can’t know where I’ve just been, but still…
“I… I was out on the observation deck.”
She nods, all business. “That’s where I’m headed now. How’s Brenne?”
As Vin gives her an update, all the tension seems to leave her body. She sits on the edge of the bed and reaches under the blanket to hold her friend’s hand.
“It’s warm.” She sniffs and rubs her eyes. “I think she’s going to be okay.”
“She’s gonna be more than okay,” Vin corrects. “She’ll be back to her usual hyper self in no time.”
“Thanks,” she says, surprising us both, not just with the word but with the sincere way she says it. “I mean, thanks for coming back for us.”
I’m about to tell her it’s nothing, that she would have done the same thing for us, when she suddenly gasps and clutches her head.
“Astrid?” I reach forward to steady her. “Are you okay?”
“I –” She blinks up at me, eyes clouded over with something. Pain? Confusion? “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“Well I am!” She brushes me off and stands abruptly. “It’s nothing.”
“You’re probably right. But we should still get the medic.”
“Not necessary,” she replies coolly, and before I can disagree, she’s already speed-walking toward the exit.
“Hey!” I call after her. “Yesterday you almost froze to death! Don’t you think that could have some lingering effects on your health?”
When she doesn’t answer, I follow her into the main corridor. The stairwell leading to the observation deck is just a few feet away. If I don’t say something now to reach her…
“What’s your flaming problem?” Not exactly the diplomatic words I’d hoped for, but at least they grab her attention.
She turns to confront me, fists balled at her sides. “What do you think’s my flaming problem?”
“Well…” I stand my ground, matching her glare with one of my own. “I’m beginning to think it’s called a split personality.”
Her lips pucker with a comeback, but I get my words out first.
“I mean, what am I supposed to think? One moment you’re thanking me, the next you’re practically ripping my head off. And for what? Because I dared to ask if you’re feeling okay?”
She stuffs her hands into her pockets. “I was thanking Vin.”
The gesture is so little-girl-throwing-a-tantrum that I can’t stop myself from laughing. When she reacts by stomping, that only makes me laugh harder.
“You think this is funny? You think it’s a joke that my friends almost died? That we’re stuck in this frozen nightmare?”
“No,” I say, forcing a straight face.
“Nice. I’m stuck with the Camp Idiot.”
The barb stings enough to sober me up. “No need to be nasty. Hey, I’m sorry for the laughter. Believe me, it’s just from exhaustion. I’m not thinking straight.”
That seems to appease her, at least for the moment. When her eyes lock with mine though, I get the now-familiar sense that she’s judging me. If I didn’t know better, I’d even swear she was sifting me. That she somehow knew about…
“Where did you go?” she asks. “Just now, before you returned to the infirmary.”
“I already told you. I went up to the observation deck.”
“That took you a full hour?”
“What? You’ve been timing me?”
“Don’t play that game. You know what I’m getting at.”
“No. Honestly, I don’t.”
Astrid arches an eyebrow, urging me to change my answer. When I don’t, she shakes her head in frustration and storms off toward the stairs.
Don’t let her walk away like this. Give her something.
But what’s safe to say with Cillian Gant monitoring my every word? How can I let her know that he’s…?
“Viper!” I blurt.
That freezes her in her tracks. “What did you just call me?”
“A viper.” I repeat the word she used to describe Gant during our walk through the greenhouse. “A shadeviper, all coiled up and waiting to strike if I say or do anything wrong.”
“I see.” Her forehead creases as she must get my coded warning. “Then it sounds like we have a major problem.”
“You could say that.”
She takes a step toward me. “What should we do about it?”
“You can start by trusting me.”
When she frowns, I press on: “Just like I trusted you, up on Academy Peak. When you gave me Ferro’s pack and dared me to jump, I did. I trusted that the chute would open. That you wouldn’t let me fall to my death.”
“I could’ve filled it with bricks,” she mutters.
“Yeah, but you didn’t.”
“No.” A half-smile plays over her lips. “Guess I didn’t.”
And on that note, she turns for the stairwell.
“Hey!” I shout after her. “Where are you going?”
“Exploring,” she calls back over her shoulder. “Alone.”
“And after that?”
She stops and turns to face me. “I’ll probably grab some breakfast in the canteen. You can meet me there if you’d like.”
There it is: another olive branch. This one, however, feels more solid than the last one. More rooted.
“What time?” I ask.
“Give me half an hour.”
She pauses at the foot of the stairs, waiting, I sense, for the kind of answers I just can’t give her yet. Her lips part to say something, then press into a line as she reconsiders.
“I was wrong about you being a coward, Wil. And I want to believe that I’m wrong about this too, but…”
She massages her temples, lids shut, and when she opens them again, I’m surprised by the fear I see there. Fear that she’s no longer in control. That she has no choice but to trust me, even though she thinks I may betray her.
“Just prove me wrong again.”
Before I can reply, she’s gone, the sound of her footsteps already receding into the darkness.
***
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Hey Gray,
This is another good chapter showing some type of relationship building between Astrid and Wil. I'm not sure to what extent just yet, but they're either becoming friends or at least beginning to trust each other.
All I have to offer are just little picky things. Take or toss them.
Thanks for another enjoyable chapter. I'm loving this story.
~Ann
The infirmary,.... Naked fluorescents flicker overhead, washing the narrow room with [a] blue light [that] makes even Vin’s complexion look anemic.
We all came off the ice half frozen, but Brenne’s core temperature dropped dangerously low – so low * [that] there was even talk of her not making it
* once you take the "that" out, you may need a comma after low(,)..but I am so NOT the one to offer punctuation advice!!
“Give her time,” [I suggest.]** “She’s probably still in shock.”**I'd take out the tag/attribution because we know this is Wil talking.
Just like I do, [I silently add.] Again, by this being in italics, we know it's a silent thought, so a tag isn't needed. Also, I'm not sure, but you may could move at the end of the paragraph above where he is speaking.
“I was thanking Vin,” [she corrects,] **stuffing her hands into her
**I"d lose the tag and then say...She stuffs her hands into her pockets.
“Nice.” [She huffs.] “I’m stuck with the Camp Idiot.”**again, the tag...the words she speaks pretty much tells us she's in a huff. Can you tell yesterday at our critique group, the editor I mentioned slashed us all good for using un-needed tags/attributions...she likes to call them attributions!!
That seems to appease her, at least for the moment. When her eyes lock with mine though, I get the now-familiar sense that she’s judging me. If I didn’t know better, I’d even swear she was peeping me. That she somehow knew about…***are there tense changes here? Not sure...but the first part seems to be one tense...That seems to appease her, at least for the moment. When her eyes lock with mine though, I get the now-familiar sense [that] she's judging me. If I didn't know better, I'd even swear she('s) [was] peeping me. That somehow she (knows) about****someone better than I can probably tell you if it is...just seemed like it to me.
“Where did you go?” [She asks suspiciously.]Here, in place of a tag, I'd give her an action...something like narrowing her eyes, or deepening her gaze...to show us she's suspicious
“I see.” Her eyes widen as she realizes [that] I’m talking about Gant. ***sorry to keep pointing this out...
There it is: another olive branch. This one, however, feels more solid than the last one. More rooted. LUV this.
She pauses at the foot of the stairs, eyes probing mine. Searching for the kind of answers [that] I just can’t give her yet.
“I was wrong about you being a coward, Wil,” [she finally admits.] “And I want to believe [that] I’m wrong about this too, but…”
She massages her temples, eyes shut, and when she opens them again, I’m surprised by the fear [that] I see there. Fear [that] she’s no longer in control. That she has no choice but to trust me, even though I may still betray her.
“Just prove me wrong again,”[ she challenges.]***I think it will make your ending have more punch if you do away with the tag and leave us with her footsteps fading into the darkness. Just my opinion.
And then she’s gone, the sound of her footsteps already fading into the darkness.
Hello, Gray! How are you?
Great description of the infirmary. Makes my eyes hurt, reading about the fluorescent lights!
How does Wil feel about Vin and Brenne dating? Is he happy for them? Feeling threatened? I think this is another opportunity where you could integrate tension between Wil and Vin. Especially if they've never had a girl come between them before!
Just like I do. -> this is more of a personal preference thing, but I don't like to have italics in 1st person narrative only because it's implicit that the narrator's thoughts are already their thoughts. Know what I mean? Try taking this out of italics and see what you think.
eyes shimmering with relief -> I like this, but you already mentioned Astrid's eyes above, so perhaps she could sigh with relief?
She whips [her head] around to face me, eyes blazing. -> I had a hard time picturing her head whipping around without her body following, unless she's an owl. Perhaps, "She threw a glare over her shoulder," or something like that? Be careful not to invoke descriptions of her eyes too often.
I like how Wil calls Astrid out on her BS here. It's good that he's not afraid to take initiative and speak his mind.
That she somehow knew about… -> knows?
“Snake!” I blurt out(.) -> lol!!!
Her forehead creases as she realizes I’m talking about Gant. -> since Wil is a 1st person narrator, he can't possibly know Astrid gets his exact meaning. He can only hope. I think this might be a missed opportunity to develop tension. You could have him say something like, "I can only hope she gets my meaning," or someting.
More rooted. -> good conceit, carrying over the olive branch metaphor.
Ooh, great ending. This is a solid chapter, Gray. Excellent in terms of plot development. My one suggestion for improvement at this point would be to vary character behaviors. Astrid's eyes are a focal point of her character (they're ice-blue, right, a sign of her heritage, or am I thinking of someone else?) but she also has other parts on her face that are being neglected right now. :-P The eyebrows, mouth, even nose can be very expressive. She could flush or turn pale, bite her lip, all that stuff. I used to over-rely on eye descriptions too (and still do... it's something I constantly have to watch out for) so I think that's why I'm so attuned to it here. What I did to break myself of the habit was go through a scene or chapter and excise how many times I'd referred to the characters'eyes. Once you see how often you do it, it's easier to be aware of it as you proceed. You have:
eyes brushing over mine
eyes shimmering with relief
eyes clouded over with something
eyes blazing
When her eyes lock with mine
When she eyes me warily (a verb lol, but still)
eyes probing mine
She massages her temples, eyes shut
See which ones you can vary and which you can keep. It's like a puzzle! That's what I tell myself to get through tough revision sessions. lol. Great work!!!
JLiz
Hi, GM. Wil seems to be trying very hard to gain acceptance from Astrid. That's good, as it helps to define both characters. What tickles me, though, is that while Astrid knows that there is something else going on she doesn't seem able to put her finger on it. Surprising, considering how intuitive she is. Her abrupt change in personality tells me that she had a TP contact with someone, probably Liv.
No nits to report, but I do have a comment:
>>The infirmary, like everything else in York Command, looks like it’s >>been thrown together overnight.
For an arctic site this shows remarkably poor planning. Cold-weather survival is no joke, and even Ernest Shackleton’s skeleton crew took great care in making sure that they were properly insulated against the cold. Also, if there is indeed a fuel refinery in the area, you can bet that it is properly engineered and provisioned. If so, then the refinery’s good state of affairs would become a point of envy by the Founder’s troops, which in turn would breed violence and aggression.
For long-term stability, it would make far more sense for the York base to be situated inside a modern, well-equipped base with ample supplies of food, medicine, and armaments. As an example, while the hospital at McMurdo Base, Antarctica, has only three beds total it also boasts a pharmacy, X-Ray, and even a physical-therapy center.
No one ever said that survival in arctic temperatures is easy, but it can be done, and done well. It makes no sense for the Founders to skimp, unless York is a punishment station. If that is the case, then the slipshod construction makes more sense. However, even in that instance it would take little effort to use the already-existing architecture and make it livable again, even marginally.
Hey, GM - Some questions: When did Gant implant the device in Astrid? Was it before her coaching of Wil in the greenhouse? If so, then Gant would have known about the collusion before the interrogation. And Wil's attempt to warn Astrid with "rattlesnake" - I went back to that chapter so named, and I couldn't find where that term for Gant had been used in Wil's conversation with Astrid. Was there another time this came up?
Absolutely nothing to criticize about this chapter. Didn't notice a single nit, darn it. :) Smooth flow, as usual. Great job!
Take care,
Jack
Come on, Man! You’ve got to give me something to write about. It’s no fun trying to type fifty words without sounding like a stalker fan. I guess if I’d have to suggest something, I feel like we’re missing Wil’s fear after his interview with Grant. But like he says, he’s exhausted.
Bimmy
Like the cat & mouse stuff with Astrid & Wil. Great dynamic.
Nits: together overnight[.] From rusted... (seems like this sentence should be combined with the next). Again - direct inner thoughts - I vote for italicizing them. My publisher italicizes both direct inner thoughts & telepathic communication. Won't Gant clue in to the rattlesnake comment?
ANyway - still very hooked on this one - anxious to read more.
I like how you handled the thing with Wil and Astrid. I was wondering how you were going to get communications going without cluing in Gant. This works and also adds a bit of frustration for the characters, especially Astrid (and the readers! LOL). Don't know about the relationship between Vin and Brenne yet, but it will cause come issues as they get into more sticky situations - them both looking out for each other if they are really crushing on each other. We'll see. Love the dynamics you have built. The stress, tension, the wicked, sick, psychopathic villain, and the main character I've grown quite fond of, and the team I'm still not sure of, not to mentioning the lingering threat to a girl they are there to put down, who had something once with Wil. Well done. This is such a fine piece of work, Gray. Never anything to pick at. Might as well have this one in my hands; every chapter so far is publisher ready.
Susan
He matches my grin, not protesting the idea that they’re now a couple
>Wait... when did this happen? Did something get edited out?
I… I was out on the observation deck
>Wow... he has such a terrible poker face. I kinda wanna challenge him and take all his money off him.
What's all this talk about trust? For all Wil knows, she's in on the scheme and is a test to see if he'll talk. I hope someone slaps some sense into him.
-K
I like all the scenes with Wil and Astrid; they're complex. I also like how you show her reacting to Gant's manipulations, the manifestation of the headache, WE know what caused it, even if she and Wil don't (yet).
They'll never have an easy relationship, it will be built on mutual exclusivity -- that they have no choice but to depend and trust one another, but they'll always be second guessing, which is a terrific way to write this. It's so much more engaging when nothing is clear cut.
Great stuff,
Simi
Another good, strong chapter. A bit transitional as we move from the crash to the next action in York, but it furthers the growing relationship between Wil and Astrid. I think the dialogue flowed very well and was quite realistic, and you've thrown in the bit with the headache in Astrid. We know what's causing that because of the Gant POV.
If you didn't have that, readers would have lots of different theories developing about that, which you could play with.
At fifteen hundred words this chapter is slightly short, but makes up for it in the drama created by the sparing between Wil and Astrid over who will trust who. It is a little reminiscent of the sparing between the lovers in 1984. It has authenticity, which is hard to get in writing. Excellent work. I also detect hints that Astrid knows there’s something in her head which can betray her. It is certainly a pretty fix when anything you say can be used by a madman to destroy you, your family and your friends. I wonder how long it will take them in an advanced world to think of writing things for each other, considering most futurists are predicting the death of handwriting in favor of the electronically printed word, normally spoken into a devise and not even typed.
I didn’t find any nit at all, not even any to stretch into a recommendation. Very good work and I look forward to reading how the kids solve their problem. R.M.
Hey Gray,
I'm dowright relieved to know Astrid is a rebel, and to see this relationship beginning to blossom.
..he raises a hand in (a) tired salute.
Then again, it's amazing how fast things move/progress when every moment feels like it could be your last. *love this introspective line.
She's wearing a bulky parka like mine(,) and I wonder absently whether she's already been outside.
Dear:
Good chapter. Coupla comments:
I still think it’s early to talk about Vince and Brenne being a couple. Let that happen slowly and give it some focus, not just as if art of magic under the reader’s very noise.
The comment about the rattle snake. Wil is right hinting Astrid that he can’t talk but, Jeez! Astrid was amazingly fast catching a comment that came totally out of the blue. You may wish to elaborate a bit further.
About another reviewer’s comment about your using the eyes in too many expressions, have I recommended you “The Emotions Thesaurus”? It’s really a v valuable book that helps you a lot with the common physical and mental expressions covering emotions. You can find both the kindle and paperback edition in Amazon.
Kiss
Gacela.
Too clean for an inline--AGAIN!
The only wee nit I found was this>>Just like I do.
Author
Reply
Thanks, Janet. I'm sure there will be more nits in the chapters to come! Gray:)
Well, the ice princess is worried about Wil and Vin doesn't notice? Clutches her head? Is the implant affecting her? Snake? I don't get how that has something to do with Gant. Okay the dialogue with out the snake is done well. The snake needs explaining to me. at least. Solid dialogue, Wil and Astrid...good.
Author
Reply
You're not the first person to point out that the "rattlesnake" reference is too obscure. A few chapters ago, Astrid referred to Gant (the Prime Enforcer) as being like a "rattlesnake", so Wil is using that reference / code word to hint at the fact that Gant is listening in on them, without saying this outright (since he's afraid that if he tells Astrid that Gant is listening in on them, he and Vin will face retribution). I'll find some way to make this clearer in my revisions.
I'm still not clear what makes Astrid important enough to make her a military target and the object of everyone's ideals. To me, she still comes across as a spoiled rich girl. Does she actually care about anything? Apparently she doesn't care about her friends. She dislikes the scholarship students and she hates the rebels. She wants to be trusted, but she accuses Wil of untrustworthy behavior. Does she at least like kittens? JP
Author
Reply
These are good points. Your take on Astrid is basically where I want you to be right now, but if I do my job well enough, you should warm to her as the story progresses. I had to start her at a low point to show her character arc, since she's the character who evolves the most -- at least in my mind. By the time this story is done, she'll (hopefully) earn her own POV. And maybe I'll throw in some kittens. At this point though, her fierce loyalty to her friends should already be apparent, so I'll have to see how I can reinforce this idea. Thanks!
No
Ann Everett