9.
Cobalt Blue
The nightmare never changes. I’m stretched out on my back, eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. At the fat black spider twitching in its web.
Slowly, it descends. Inch by inch, it floats downward, dangling from a silk thread. I try to rip my body from the mattress only to find I’m paralyzed. Try to protect my face but my hands are frozen. If I can tear them free, maybe move my fingers… but they’re useless.
The spider glides toward me. Slowly. Relentlessly. It’s less than a foot away now, hovering right above my face, so close I can see the venom-swollen pincers, the fine bristles covering its legs and body. It drops another inch… then stops. And there it hovers, suspended from that impossibly thin strand, weight pulling it taut. One second passes. Then another. A third, and then…
The thread breaks.
Get it off me! Get it off me!
I scream the words, but there’s only silence. Have I moved? No. I’m still lying on my back, glued to the mattress. Stomach churning, I look back up at the ceiling.
At the fat black spider busy weaving its web. Getting ready to lower itself again.
And again.
And again.
“Good morning, young brother. Did you sleep well?”
Gant greets me from the command console of the Eye, standing in the same spot where I left him ten hours ago. This morning, he’s alone. When he offers his hand, I ignore the gesture, glaring at him.
“I’m sorry about the dream enhancement.” He gives me a sheepish grin, as if what he put me through last night were a mere misunderstanding. “That was Orwin’s idea. He felt it would make you more receptive to what we need to discuss today. We –”
“Let me save you some time,” I cut in bitterly. “I don’t know who she is. I didn’t know her before you tortured me. I don’t know her now. And if you torture me again, I still won’t know her.”
“Torture?” Gant raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you being a little melodramatic? That tiny whiff of enhancement last night hardly qualifies as torture.”
“Then our definition must differ, sir.”
Gant shakes his head. “No, hear me out, Wil. Enhancement is the opposite of torture. By forcing you to confront your greatest fears, the procedure opens your mind. It breaks down those mental barriers that would cause you to suffer. Besides, the average session lasts five days and the record… well, I believe that’s just shy of a year. You only saw two hours.”
One year. Just the thought of having to endure the same nightmare, played in an endless loop for that long, makes me shudder.
“It’s amazing how universal some phobias are,” Gant continues, like he’s a professor delivering some fascinating lecture. “For many people, it’s vermin. Spiders, snakes, rats. Others fear death by fire, or being buried alive. Your friend Vin, for instance, is terrified by the thought of drowning.”
“Did you –?” I swallow what feels like a coil of blister wire.
“Enhance his dreams?” Gant laughs. “No need. Not much going on in that dense Settler’s brain of his.”
“So Vin – he’s okay?”
“Why wouldn’t he be?”
Gant sounds genuinely surprised by the question. There’s no reason to believe him, but I still let out a sigh of relief.
“He was my sim partner. He had no choice but to follow me.”
“I already know that. That’s why he’s back in class. I don’t believe in wasting time on dead ends, Wil. You, on the other hand…” He stares at me. “You just keep getting more and more interesting. Now if I can figure out how to sync with the Eye, you’ll see what I mean.”
He looks up at the monitor, blinking to activate it.
“Ah, perfect! The interface works.”
This time, the screen displays a patchwork of green and yellow circles and squares. The satellite zooms in on one circle, revealing it to be a crop field. Workers tend the green rows, scurrying back and forth like ants.
“We’re looking at Agricultural Settlement Three,” Gant narrates. “She should be in the fields already.”
He’s found Liv. That’s my first thought as the Eye singles out one of the workers.
My breath catches when I see the girl, harvesting fruit from a row of bushes.
“Recognize her?”
The girl glances skyward and I realize with relief that I don’t. She can’t be more than ten, with a delicate frame. Her head bobs up and down as she tends the crops, scanning her surroundings like a skittish bird. When she looks up again, Gant freezes the frame. Timid blue eyes peek out from beneath a nest of brown hair.
“Still don’t recognize her? Well, you should. For a cadet, I’d expect you to be more observant.”
I stare at the image, confusion slowly turning into dread.
“Look at the eyes. Such a beautiful shade of blue, like the ocean on a sunny day. What’s the word for it?” He peers into my eyes, as if the answer could be found there. “Cobalt blue!”
“Sir? I don’t understand.”
“Then look closer. When’s the last time you checked the mirror?”
His words make no sense. They can’t. Unless…
“They’re your eyes, Wil. This is your sister.”
“I…” What kind of twisted game is he playing now? “I don’t have a sister.”
“Apparently, you do. Let’s check her stats, shall we?”
He blinks at the screen, pulling up an ID tag. “Interesting. She was born nine years ago in Camp Wilmington, so she might have even been there the same time as you.”
His eyelids flutter to access more information. “That is, until your parents reclaimed her when they joined the Pioneer Program.” His eyes snap open to give me a knowing look. “Odd, isn’t it? That they’d return for her but leave you behind.”
I shrug, telling myself he’s lying. This girl in the fields is just another fabrication. One more dangling spider, dreamt up to break my will.
“Then again, I suppose they had to make a choice. Most Pioneers don’t have the resources to provide for more than one child.”
As much as I want to look away, my eyes return to the screen. What if Gant’s not lying? What if this wisp of a girl really is my sister?
“Can’t say I blame them for picking her. Adorable, isn’t she? Like a young version of your mother. Watch this!”
He stares at the screen, telepathically unleashing some silent command. Seconds later, the girl drops her basket, hands shooting to her head.
“Poor kid just discovered she suffers from migraines.”
“Stop it!” I lunge for the console, but he catches my wrist.
“I wouldn’t touch that if I were you. Press the wrong button and she might have a stroke. Amazing what the latest generation of cortical implants can do, isn’t it?”
Horrified, I watch as the girl collapses, cradling her head. She may as well be an ant frying beneath a magnifying glass.
“Why are you doing this? Leave her alone! She’s done nothing wrong.”
“Ah!” He spins toward me. “She’s done nothing wrong. But you! Well, you just keep on lying to me.”
“That’s not true!”
“There you go again. Another lie. And look what you’re making me do to this poor little girl. I’m not sure how much more she can take.”
“But I haven’t lied!”
“Omission is a type of lie, Wil. The worst type. Tell me, are you a terrorist?”
“What?” The word catches in my throat. “No! I’m a loyal Guardian, sworn to protect our Great Unity!”
“Then why do you harbor a terrorist?”
“I – I’m not –”
“Yes you are, Wil! You’re protecting her right now! You’re harboring her here.”
He jabs a finger into my skull to accentuate each word: “In. Your. Mind! You’re harboring her in your mind! Why do you keep lying to me?”
I raise my hands to defend myself, but Gant’s expression has shifted again. Seconds after attacking me, the Prime Enforcer now looks perfectly serene – like a man contemplating his breakfast options.
“Wil.” He laughs. “Such an appropriate name. What will it be, Wil? Must your sister keep suffering, or will you finally tell me the truth?”
My eyes return to the squirming girl. “Just make it stop. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“All right, then.” He spins my chair so we’re face-to-face. “The Gamma you tracked in Washton. How do you know her?”
“From Camp Wilmington.”
“She was a friend?”
“Yes.”
“And her name?”
When I don’t answer, his eyes shift to the monitor, magnifying the Settler girl’s anguished expression. “Right now, it probably feels like her head’s being crushed in a vice. Give me a name and I’ll make it stop.”
If it were my head being crushed, I hope I’d tell him to burn in hellfire. But it’s not my head. It’s the head of some innocent kid who may or may not be my sister.
So I betray the girl in my dreams, muttering her name under my breath. “Liv.”
“Good.” Gant takes his time before inactivating the signal. When he finally does, the girl slumps forward, shoulders heaving in silent sobs.
“Oh, and by the way: I already know all about your friend – WIL-NOV2519LIV, or, as you liked to call her, Liv. Gamma-type deviant. Resident of Orleans Correction Center. Escaped during a violent uprising three years ago. Now thought to be a leader of the ‘Aletheia’ terrorist network. She’s been linked to multiple acts of terror, including the murder, this week, of over five dozen Guardian cadets.”
He leans within inches of my face. “That’s sixty of your brothers and sisters, Wil.”
“She wouldn’t. That’s not possible.”
“Oh, but it is. You see, we traced her from your surveillance vid. The final ID came in yesterday morning.”
Yesterday morning. Hours before my first interrogation.
And just like that, the charade is over. The Prime Enforcer has known my secret all along.
“It’s no coincidence the Aletheians contacted you. They came to Washton with two goals. The first was to kill as many cadets as possible. Job well done, I’d say. But your terrorist friend had another target in mind.” He pauses to make sure I’m absorbing every word. “One of your classmates.”
“Astrid?”
I whisper her name, praying I’m wrong even though it makes sickening sense.
Liv tried to use me to get to Astrid. She led me into a trap, hoping the Prime Founder’s daughter would follow.
But why didn’t she spring that trap? Why let us escape?
“That’s right.” Gant’s eyes lock with mine. “The terrorists planned to kidnap the Prime Founder’s daughter. According to our sources, they’ll try again, only next time…” His lips curve into that murderous smile. “Next time, my boy, you’re going to help them.”
***
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Good morning, Gray. So many things to love about this chapter. The dream sequence at the beginning. The interrogation. The reveal of the sister...although, I'm not sure if that's just a ploy or not...even that's good, you're keeping me guessing.
You have some really nice descriptions in this chapter as well. Like the one below.
No nits from me.
~Ann
I raise my hands to defend myself, but Gant’s expression has shifted again. Seconds after practically ripping my head off, the Prime Enforcer now looks perfectly serene – like a man contemplating his breakfast options.
Uh OH!
Wil is about to become a double agent.
Nothing tripped me up, great writing and I followed along great!
Your writing is smooth and captivating.
I know I was having issues connecting to Wil early on and preferred his friend. I’m right in there with Wil now. I guess you suffer with a character and that bond is formed.
Great job!
Bimmy
Hi, Gray!
--This is me being silly, but usually spiders in literature are referred to with female pronouns. I think those are typically the ones that build webs, anyway. Or maybe it depends on the species--I know very little about spiders. (By choice. They freak me out.) Love the fragmened narrative here, though. Very effective for conveying a dream. It's both immediate and surreal. Ugh and so creepy too! Yuck.
--I wasn't sure whether this is a reccurring dream of Wil's (you seem to indicate that it is, right at the beginning) or the product of Gant's manipulations. Did they tap into a dream that they know Wil often has, somehow, or create it specifically for that night? I might need a bit more clarification on that point.
--Nice visual with "nest of brown hair." I remember I wondered earlier about whether Wil might have any siblings--I'm glad that point is being cleared up now! It's cool. Also I love how Wil refers to her as "one more dangling spider." He seems more sure of himself in this scene with Gant, more adversarial, where earlier he was willing to go along. Until they forced him to kill one of the kids--that definitely changed his mindset. Gant is so sadistic!
--"like a man contemplating his breakfast options"... lol!
--Great twist at the end! Wow.
So, I think this is moving along very nicely. No holes or inconsistencies that I've been able to pinpoint. Everything flows quite logically, and the pace remains very good. It's brisk, but not so fast that I feel like I'm losing information or there may be scenes missing. Plus, I'm guessing that you want to be more brisk than languorous when it comes to YA fiction. I love that you're not afraid to play with narrative (as in the opening portion, when you break your sentences down and fragment them) to achieve the desired emotional effect. Also, I think I've forgotten to say this before, but it's so good to see another person writing in 1st/present on here! There are so many prejudices against present tense out there--all of them ridiculous. :0) Will be reading on ASAP!
JLiz
Hey, graymartin - Spiders. A good choice for Wil's bete noir. Spiders also give me the creeps. I can still recall the horror of that scene in "The Incredible Shrinking Man."
Smooth, plot-advancing chapter. Wil will be the main player in a sting, it appears. But will Astrid be in on it, or be clueless? I'm betting on the latter.
No nits spotted. Great job!
Take care,
Jack
Hi, GM. The story continues to unfold in p[owerful sheets of drama. You have a great gift of giving the reader a roller-coaster ride. Don't lose it. Poor Wil! He just doesn't realize how twisted his society is until he's thrust into the middle of it.
Nits, Comments & concerns:
>>He’s less than a foot away now, hovering right above my face, so close >>that I can see his venom-swollen pincers, the fine bristles covering his >>legs and body.
There are two things that Wil can do in this situation. If he can move his head and neck, he needs to rear up and bite into the spider! Two swift movements of his jaws and then swallow it down. Spiders are edible, after all, and when his tormentors see this they will be taken aback. They will doubt their information about his weaknesses, and may even leave him alone for days while they try to think of something new.
The second thing to do is to remain completely still: go numb, and let the conscious mind retreat into the unconscious. I endured a hellish initiation into a club by entering a Zen trance. Four hours later I awoke, covered with mud, but completely unaware of how much time had passed.
>>Gant acts genuinely surprised by the question.
It is far easier for the guilty to appear innocent than the reverse.
>>“Odd, isn’t it? That they’d return for her but leave you behind.”
Divide and conquer, another interrogation technique.
Lawrence
Nice spider dream. Sounds awful.
Nits/Qs: Gant says vermin - but vermin is technically just mammals like rats, not so much the spiders & snakes. Totally nitpicky - I know, but that's all I could find. Great tension & build up here. I'm definitely hooked - which woman will he choose to help? Old love or Astrid?
What an enjoyable read, Graymartin. And so little to pick at. I'm afraid all I have are my comments and thoughts as I read.
You got my attention right out of the gate because it was freaky that you described a dream that had plagued me as a child. OMG the frozen screams, trying to move, feeling like I was awake but paralyzed to react to the spider(s) that terrified me. I've used that dream in my writing. It is something I will never forget because I have a big fear of spiders. You hit home, baby!
Anyway, you're spinning (pun intended) a gruesomely wicked world here. Talk about a bunch of sadistic, controlling #@$!@rd's exploiting teens! The kids are going to love this one. Hell, I love it!
Well, at least Gant has given Vin a reprieve...for the moment anyway, but then he found something else to torture Wil with. A possible sister, and after exploding the boy the day before, I felt the reality of that threat as much as Wil did.
I was disappointed when Wil gave up Liv so easily, though, until I got closer to the end of the chapter. Oh man, he's gonna make Wil a spy? Gonna send him out there to follow Liv, knowing that if he screws up, THEY will know? Can this get any more wicked scary? I have to read on - no doubt.
Last scene with Astrid I was like starting to trust her - this one, not so much for some reason. Because of how bad Gant is, I can't help but think no matter what Liv is up to it's warranted. And she did not kill Wil, Vin OR Astrid and her group. Was it intentional? Fate? Questions! Love it.
Susan
You only saw two hours
>Oh dear. Our MC has a long way to go to break the record.
Hmmm... An unexpected development. It seems our MC has too much heart to wear a proper poker face while watching someone being tortured. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in Wil for cracking or nodding my head for him acting perfectly in character. I'll make up my mind in the following chapters. As for Grant, I hope someone breaks both his legs and forces him to walk. I'm intrigued at the level of esionage possible. If we are to assume that Wil is going to break away from cooperating, he must find a means of escaping detection... or breaking the machine. I'm betting on the latter.
-K
Poor Wil,
How is he gonna get out of this? Great setup. He's sympathetic, but caught, in a web. Really. And now he's going to have to become a double agent? And he and Astrid were just becoming friends, but he won't betray Liv. Or will he. Or really I think the question is, How will be?
So, you've set up a great story line, and a terrific conflict.
Excellent stuff,
Simi
My in-laws finally got a wireless network, so I can actually read and write reviews on my break this year. Prepare to be inundated, because they like to watch news programs all night. :)
This is another strong chapter, with absolutely no problems I see. We have more evidence of how evil Gant is, learn Wil has a sister (or not), and that's a great ending.
This chapter strengthens my feeling you should drop the third person asides with Gant. It is so much weaker than these other chapters, and it doesn't really provide any new information.
Other than the paragraphing between practically every sentences I didn’t find a single content issue. I did, however, find a few grammar issues I’ve listed below. Very minor, but I thought you’d like to clean them up. I hope this helps. R. M.
{unleashing some silent command. Seconds later,}I’d use ‘a moment later.’ Word choice.
{So I give up Liv’s name, muttering it under my breath.} this is tell vs show
{“Oh, and by the way[:](,) I already…}
{“She wouldn’t[…](,)” I murmur. The dots are used internally in a conversation to indicate a pause between spoken words
{ Yesterday morning[.](?)
Dear Graymartin:
Interesting chapter. Gant is a son a bitch, which is good because readers always somebody to hate.
Once again,I'm missing Nic's internal physical feeling when he witnesses the girl being tortured. The scene would become more vivid if you show the reader Nic's reactions, beyond the idea that what Gant is doing is wrong. Also, again, you need to explain why he is so compassionate and caring when it's evident that the cadets were trained to disdain the settlers. Why does Nic care about others?
About the spiders, they are female in French and Spanish. In Tolkien's mythology, Ungoliant is female and so is Shelob. For some reason, it seems that we girls are more scary than blokes when turned into spiders. The dream might feel more scary if you refer to the spider as a "she".
I would nave expected Nic not to yield so easily, but maybe that's this character's nature. Once again, you should show the reader his feeling and thought so it might be easy to understand why he gives up so easily--I think because he's a good person, but please show it to us.
If Gant already knew who the girl was, then the purpose of all this interrogation was only to break Nic up, showing him who is the boss. Am I right?
Kiss,
Gacela
Hey Gray, I thought I could wait until tomorrow morning to read this chapter. Think again on my part:)
Induced nightmares adds a new dimension to the mind control in Neoden.
The pace of Founders continues to be fast, but not rushed, and I can't wait to wade deeper into your sci-fi thriller.
...it's vermin, Spiders, snakes, rats. *not sure why you capitilized "spiders".
Most pioneers don't have the means to take care of more than one child. What about the twins from the chapter before? And how would the Guardians know Astrid was to be kidnapped? If known they wouldn't risk her being there. And Why was Astrid there? Not to follow the gamma? And the gamma girl did not contact him! She fled from him! The information seems bogus. How is he sifting through this? Should be thinking. And she was put on a bus, forciably, --not during a violent uprising three years ago. This doesn't settle right for the reader. Unless he is being lied too, deliberately. If so, then very soon he should put two to two together. And know he is being lied, too.
Author
Reply
Good point on those Pioneers with twins in the last chapter. I'll try to think up a fix for that inconsistency. Looks like I've also lost you in some of those plot details, so I'll have to find some way to make the associations and relationships clearer in my writing. Here's the "short hand" version:
1. Liv (now a rebel) and Wil (now a Guardian, AKA sifter) were best friends in Camp Wilmington (Settler's camp) before they turned eight, at which age they were screened by Guardians and sorted according to their "thought types."
2. Liv was "discovered" to be a Gamma and forcibly sent to a reeducation center to be brainwashed out of her free-thinking/creative tendencies (the real risk that gammas pose to this society is that they're independent-minded, creative and therefore hard to control).
3. Wil, in contrast, was "discovered" to be a psion -- a miraculous event akin to finding the Hope Diamond in a garbage dump, since 99.9% of psions have "High Founders" blood, meaning they're the descendants of "The Great One," who is this world's equivalent of the messiah.
4. The Guardian who discovered Wil in the Camp -- Perrin -- took it upon herself to protect him and conceal his true identity as a "Forbidden" -- the incredibly rare combination of a gamma with psionic/sifting ability. She did this because she is a Forbidden herself, carrying an explosive secret. The Founders (those in power) consider "gamma psions" to be the most dangerous type of mind, because they can evade detection. Remember, sifters can't read other sifters. This is their one blind spot.
5. Perrin allows most of Wil's memories to be stripped away (you see this in the opening scene) but leaves him with two critical clues RE his identity: His memories of her and his memories of Liv.
6. 8 years later, Liv is given the mission to find Wil and Astrid and lead them away from danger during the Fox Hunt. It appears as if she's psychically guiding Wil (and, you find out later, Astrid too), but the real guiding is coming from Perrin, who's shadowing them all.
So... did I confuse you enough yet? Once again, thanks for reading on! Later, Gray
Most pioneers don't have the means to take care of more than one child. What about the twins from the chapter before? And how would the Guardians know Astrid was to be kidnapped? If known they wouldn't risk her being there. And Why was Astrid there? Not to follow the gamma? And the gamma girl did not contact him! She fled from him! The information seems bogus. How is he sifting through this? Should be thinking. And she was put on a bus, forciably, --not during a violent uprising three years ago. This doesn't settle right for the reader. Unless he is being lied too, deliberately. If so, then very soon he should put two to two together. And know he is being lied, too.
Author
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Good point about the pioneers having a "one child" policy being contradicted by the twins scene. I'll need to tweak that. Hopefully some of the other questions you posed will be answered as the story progresses, but if not, I have more work to do... Gray
Interesting development. Does he really want Wil to help? Or does he want to make Wil a scapegoat? Or is he predicting an unavoidable future? I'm running out of words to use here. I think I should stick to online reviewing. This could go any way, you diabolical writer, you. Good work. JP
Author
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Thought I responded to this but I guess I didn't press enter or something. Thanks for reading on, JP. At this point, I'm still trying to keep the mystery and suspense going, so there's a lot that's deliberately unclear -- especially what Gant's intentions are with respect to Wil, and whether or not the "sister" is real. Take care... Gray
Hello, Gray. Yes, CG is not one to take lightly... Another one of your talents, Gray, is in giving characters rich dimension and definition, if that's "wayable" lol! I mean, I KNOW Wil, Astrid, Vin, CG, and others in your story as well as I really NEED to know them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you very much grasp what readers are looking for in "player/actor analysis", ID, depth, "thereness." :-)
Pacing, plotting, wry humor, action, suspense - Founders is lacking zilch! If I didn't have a busy day today, I'd very possibly finish this, Gray! I could sit here with a numb tail, reading for hours.
You ARE going to get this published???
Peace,
Mike
Author
Reply
Glad to hear these characters seem realistic and three-dimensional to you. That's always a challenge, especially for the supporting roles like Vin and Brenne. Thanks so much for reading these several chapters in one session. I know how many talented writers on this site are competing for your attention, so your feedback and time means a lot! Take care, Gray
No
Ann Everett