16.
Veterans
The smells coming from the canteen would easily kill my appetite, if I had one. Stale eggs and bacon grease. Burnt toast. Day-old coffee and a whiff of something sour, maybe spoiled milk or sweat. The room is cramped and smoky, with steel tables and benches arranged around a sizzling central grill. To my right, a dozen Enforcers hunch over their meals, eating in silence.
I force down a couple of sawdust-like protein bars, then scan the room for Astrid. She’s seated in a dimly lit corner. Surprisingly, she’s not alone.
As I approach, she glances up to acknowledge me.
“Wil – this is Vora.” She gestures to her frizzy-haired companion, who greets me with hard, vaguely hostile blue eyes.
“And I’m Dax.”
I turn around to see a tall, well-built guy approaching, tray of food balanced precariously on one hand. He extends the other to offer me a solid handshake, then sets down his tray and slides onto the bench next to Astrid. I peel off my parka and sit across the table from him.
“You look familiar,” I say, recognizing both. They’re Guardians. Vora, with her willowy physique and long, rabbit-like face, is easier to place. Dax, on the other hand, looks totally different – a feral version of his former pretty-boy self. His sandy brown hair has grown wild, knotted and pulled into braids at the edges, and it looks like he hasn’t shaved or showered in months. Maybe years.
As he sidles up to Astrid, it’s clear one thing hasn’t changed though: he still considers himself to be a lady’s man.
“They should look familiar,” Astrid says, extracting herself from his arm. “They graduated from the GA three years ago. Their tour of duty ends this month.”
“Praise the Three!” Dax declares, with just enough sarcasm to make Vora scowl. From the way he rolls his languid brown eyes, I get the feeling they’re used to this dynamic. “We’ve done our time, kiddies. Now it’s your turn. Welcome to the frozen armpit of Neoden.”
“What he means,” Vora corrects with a sour pout, “is that it’s an honor to serve here. We’re on the front line of the war against the terrorists. Every day, we rise to defend the Sacred Vision.”
“Yeah, yeah, we all know the words of the Oath,” Dax grumbles, dismissing her with a hand wave. “But let’s get back to the subject.”
He turns to Astrid, pouring on the charm with a lopsided grin that highlights a crescent scar on his chin. “Sunshine Blake! Joining us in the Ice Pit, of all places. I mean, we heard rumors you were coming, but I figured there was no way in hellfire –”
“And why is that?” Astrid sets down her coffee mug with a clack, like she’s moving a chess piece to challenge him. “Did you think I’d ask for special treatment?”
“I just figured –”
“That the Prime Founder’s daughter would pull some strings, right? Well, I accepted my assignment, just like everyone else.”
“Hey, hey now.” Dax raises his hands in mock surrender. “Don’t get me wrong, Sunshine and Rainbows. It’s great to have you here, and I’ve gotta hand it to you: you sure know how to make an entrance. It’s just…” He turns to me and Vora for support. “Am I the only one who’s surprised to see Augustin Blake’s little girl here?”
“She’s here for the same reason we’re here,” Vora answers coolly. “To cleanse this cesspool of Aletheian traitors and Sinovoss spies.” She gives Astrid an approving nod. “Thanks for sending a powerful message to our people. Your courage inspires us all.”
There it is again: more Astrid worship. I’m about to roll my eyes right along with Dax when the significance of Vora’s words hits me. By coming to York, Astrid has only added to her growing fame. I flash back to the adoring Assignment Day crowd, imagining what they must be thinking now. The Prime Founder’s only daughter, willing to sacrifice herself in defense of the Sacred Vision.
She’s becoming a hero. What must Cillian Gant think of that?
As Vora and Dax describe what it’s like to go on patrol in York, my thoughts return to the Prime Enforcer. Could jealousy be his true motive? Is it possible he fears the growing popularity of a teenaged girl? Is that why he’s sending her into a trap?
Why he’s sent me along to stab her in the back?
“Hey Wil? Are you coming or not?”
I glance up at Astrid, startled by her question. She’s already standing to pull on her parka. Did I miss something? “Um… where’re you going?”
“Vora and Dax just invited us to join them on patrol. They’re leaving right now. Coming?”
In what’s becoming an annoying pattern, she doesn’t bother to wait for my answer.
*
Ten minutes later, I’m standing on a slab of concrete layered with hard ice and dirt. This is the patrol staging area of York Command. All that separates us from the frigid wasteland outside is a flimsy gate of corrugated steel. Wind rattles and howls through the seams, making me shiver. Washton was plenty cold, but this place takes it to a new level. It feels like all the warmth is being sucked right out of my body.
“Is that all you’re wearing?”
Dax tugs on the sleeve of my parka. When I peel it back to show him my fleece, he and Vora exchange amused snorts.
“Cold front came in this morning,” he explains. “What you felt yesterday was a heat wave. Go out dressed like that and we’ll be carrying you back in a block of ice. Here –”
He tilts his chin toward a nearby vaulted metal shed. “Check the supply room. Find yourselves a better pair of gloves, a face mask with a comm link and some good thermals. At least three layers, and for you…”
He turns to Astrid, eyes shamelessly moving over her body. “Better make it four layers, skinny.”
When she storms off, he arches a brow.
“So cute when she’s mad. Are the two of you…?”
“No,” I answer, a beat too soon. “We’re just friends.”
“That’s what I thought. No offense, of course.”
“None taken.” I sharpen my tone to let him know I mean exactly the opposite. “And she does have a boyfriend, by the way. He’s here, in the infirmary.”
“Oh yeah? Would I know him?”
“Maybe. His name’s Ferro.”
“Ferro Rhone?”
“That’s right.”
“Arrogant, snot-nosed bastard?”
“Right again.”
“So?” His ever-present grin widens. “Just because there’s a goalie in the net, doesn’t mean you can’t score, right?”
I’m still debating the best response to that gem when Vora steps between us.
“Hey!” she announces, rabbit face twitching with excitement. “It just came to me. Aren’t you that Settler kid? The Rainbow from a Camp?”
“Wil’s a Guardian,” Astrid answers for me as she emerges from the supply shed. “Which means he obviously has High Founder’s blood. Not that it matters. All Guardians are equal, aren’t we sister?”
“Of course.” Vora lowers her head. “Sorry, Wil. Must be thinking of someone else.”
Once she and Dax have turned away, I glance at Astrid to mouth a quick “thanks.”
She shrugs nonchalantly, then reaches over to hand me a pile of thermals. “Here. Try these on. They look like they might fit you.”
I shouldn’t read too much into the kind gesture. When her hand brushes against mine though, I grab it on impulse and squeeze.
The touch lasts two seconds, maybe less, but that’s all it takes to change everything.
When she squeezes back, I finally know what I must do.
***
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“None taken.” I sharpen my tone to let him know I mean exactly the opposite. “And she does have a boyfriend, [but] (by) the way.
“So?” He gives me a sly grin. “Just because there’s a goalie in the net, doesn’t mean you can’t score, right?” Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!!!
Hi Gray,
Good chapter almost nit free. Just one little missed edit.
Gee, all that hand squeezing there at the end gets me to wondering just what is it that Wil knows he has to do?
I don't know how I missed seeing this chapter, but I did. I was going over my reading list to see how far along I was with all that I'm reading and noticed chapter 16...I was pretty sure the last one I read was 15.
Anyway, it flows and moves the story forward, and of course I want to turn the page to find out about the hand squeezing!!
~Ann
Hello, Gray! Hope you're having a nice weekend so far.
Great opening description of the canteen. Jesus! Sounds like a prison cafeteria.
Love the description of Vora as having a "rabbit-like" face. That, combined with the frizzy hair, draws a clear picture in my head.
"The frozen armpit," lol.
Excellent: like she’s moving a chess piece to challenge him.
"She gives Astrid an approving nod" -> you could bump this up to the previous line, since it's still part of Vora's sequence. Separating it makes it seem as if a new speaker is being introduced, so it's a little disorienting. Same with: “Um… where are you going?” It's still Wil and can go with the line above.
“No,” I answer, a beat too soon. -> hah. Good foreshadowing. And lol, Dax's response.
Love the ending, with Wil and Astrid experiencing physical contact. I also love how Wil takes the intiative of grabbing her hand and squeezing--I've said this before, but he's definitely not a passive protagonist. Other writers might be tempted to leave the touch at an accidental brush, but not you, and not Wil, which makes him very interesting and compelling to the reader.
A short but effective chapter. Moves the story along nicely, and it's good to see the two Guardians they're replacing. I like Vora, she seems very Type A and dedicated to her job. Dax is a bit of a letch, but that's fine, too. He's young and horny. Plus, it takes all kinds. :-P Reading on!
JLiz
Hi, GM. So, Wil is attempting to settle in at York, and finding that the place is doing its best to beat him down. your descriptions of cold-weather gear are on-point. Cold-weather gedarf not only requires layers, they also require insulation.
No nits to report, but I do have a comment:
>>The smells coming from the canteen would easily kill my appetite, if I had one. Stale eggs and >>bacon grease. Burnt toast. Days old coffee.
Not very realistic, I’m afraid. The only way to keep troops happy at an inhospitable duty station is to make sure they are well-fed. To use an Antarctica analogy again, here is the current menu at menu at McMurdo Station: Italian Sausage Spaghetti, Shrimp & Scallop Cioppino, Pomodoro Lasagna. By offering up high-quality fare you increase morale, which is a critical factor when a crisis comes. If the Guardians and Enforcers have nothing to eat but slop, they will rightly see Neoden as the source of all their woes, and side with Althaia (sp?) when crunch-time comes.
Hey Gray!
And a whiff of something sour that could either be spoiled milk or sweat - love it!
Great ending to this chapter and I love the new characters. I totally get the guy, but I’m having a hard time settling on Vora. I wasn’t sure who she was by the end of this or what kind of person she was. I know she has just been introduced, so it isn’t that big a deal, just wanted to give you my impressions. I’ll see if I can peg her in a few chapters….if she’s alive by then. Mwahahahaha!
Bimmy
Hey, GM - The dialogues among the out-going Guardians and the newbies was effective for showing how Astrid's star could be rising even higher. And a great hook at the end. But is Astrid playing a game or not? Whatever, she's got Wil snowed. :)
- Day[s](-)old coffee. {I think a hyphen is needed here and coffee sitting in a pot for "days" is a bit much}
- Dax tugs on the sleeve of my [P](p)arka.
Brrr. I got cold just reading about York. And we've just begun! Good opportunity to have the reader "experience" the imagery, though.
Take care,
Jack
This read very well - your new characters are well-developed even in this short section.
I did not see any nits to speak of & could think of no suggestions. More great writing & I am looking forward to reading more, especially to find out how this new development between Wil & Astrid will play out.
Oh, that last line is a page turner. I soooo want to know what it is that Wil feels he has to do. Not one single thing to pick at. You know I'm loving the read. The two new characters add some spice to the group. Dax, the ultimate bad boy, and with Astrid choice in guys - Farroe - I'd say she's into bad boys. Vora (love the name) the rabbit, nose twiddler, willowy and lean, quick to jump in with her respect and dedication for Astrid. Your descriptions of these two make for very vivid visuals and their actions flesh them out even more. Well done.
~~~~The whole time anyone is carrying on a conversation, I'm in Gant's head, - looking for negative actions, dissecting the damage - taking notes, wondering if he has his 'eye' on them. Thank-you-very-much. Gant is a rancid, slimy layer of grime over everything.
~~~~So you think Gant is jealous of Astrid? Hmph, I wonder.
~~~~Anyway, I'm in for the long run and then I'm buying the book - can't wait to see cover ideas.
Susan
easily kill my appetite, if I had one
>extra comma... sentence not inverted.
eggs and bacon grease
>I wanna retch too
Hah.. he follows her for patrol. Boy's got more ballsthan brains.
Farroe Rhone?
That’s right.
Arrogant, snot-nosed bastard?
>Pot to kettle!
I'm afraid TE is correct. I didn't even think of that, but cold, complaining troops lost wars for both Hitler and Napoleon. Of course... history does tend to repeat itself!
-K
Another nice chapter with great flow and dialogue with the new characters. I really liked the ending tag, which suggests Wil may be ready to confide in Astrid. It definitely makes me want to continue reading.
Finally, nits. :) They are rare in your stories. [delete], (add)
<“You look familiar,” I say, recognizing both(.) [of these people.]> - no need for the last bit.
<“And she does have a boyfriend, [but] (by) the way.>
Great chapter. I like the why you've developed the Dax character. Loved the soccer line. Even though he's newly arrived, he's a strong presence. And Vora is a cipher. At least I hope she is, she can't really believe all the nonsense she spews, can she?
And Wil and Astrid are moving along..
The sensory detail is so rich. I was in grim cafteria, smelling all the awful food, and I was freezing outside. Great writing.
.
At 1300 words this is a short chapter, a scene really, and does not sidetrack the plot flow, although until the last line, it doesn’t advance it either. The two new characters, Vora and Dax are well described and well characterized by their dialog and looks. As for nit, the only thing I found was that the chapter is number 16 but titled 17. I found the sentences flowed well and other than the site throwing in too large a break between paragraphs, without flaw. I hope that’s good news. R.M.
Hey Gray,
I'm hoping for another rainy day so I can read all day again. Being a dog trainer, I depend on sunshine to earn a living, but I have stories like this to fall back on with unscheduled days off. The last line tells me Wil is trusting Astrid enough to tell her what's going on, what Gant is up to.
Welcome to the frozen armpit of Neoden. *:) when I worked in Dutch Harbor, Alaska, we used to call it the "armpit of Alaska.
Like the two new characters: Vora the drone, and Dax the irreverent womanizer.
..a face mask with a comm link... *guess you'll be telling me what a "comm link" is later. I assume it's a communication link.
Just because there's a goalie in/at the net[,] doesn't mean you can't score, right?
You're cooking with gas, Gray: plot and character development, and the dialogue is wonderful.
Dear:
I know that you want to show the reader how harsh life is in this place, even for these elite troops, thus the canteen’s description which makes it look more like a prison’s. However, I agree with the rest of the reviewers that powerful nations tend to pamper their armies as much as possible. I’m sure you’ll come back with infinite WWII, Korean war, and Vietnam examples where soldiers suffered a lot, not mattering whether they were American, British, German, or Soviet, all of which are powerful nations. Nevertheless, in peace time—despite the rebellions Gantt is fighting back these ones are still peaceful times—powerful nations care about their armies as much as possible, because the know that happy soldiers fight better and are way more loyal, which is a lesson taught since the times of the Roman legions.
If I were you, I would do it the other way around: I’d show how well the soldiers live in contrast to the population. It’s the population the one that suffers whilst the soldiers—representing the oppressive establishment—live in the best possible conditions. The soldiers would complain anyway because, despite living in comfortable quarters, theirs is a difficult duty under almost unbearable weather conditions.
Such contrast will further justify why a rebellion is emerging.
I have a final comment, and I will contrast your own procedures. There’s a romance hatching between Wil and Astrid. Slowly, steadily, and plausibly. It’s believable, and all of us readers wish to keep on reading to learn how this romance develops. Wil’s best friend romance should develop in a similar way, which is the way in which romance typically develops in real life, moreover between two teenagers. How many of your reviewers are thrilled by the other romance? I bet none—check how many reviewers have comment it and said it’s a page turner. It happened so fast you never allowed us to taste it and enjoy it, so we really don’t care. Moreover because it’s sooo lame. Just a thought.
Kiss,
Gacela.
You and your short chapters, not much I can say here. The dialogue seems right on, Astrid character is getting more defined and the intrigue is getting a bit steeper. Why bring in these veterans? That's my question, but I guess I'll just wait and see. I keep wanting Wil to reiterate what he is suppose to do here, I know I'm suppose to remember completely, but right now I just know they are gonna try to kidnap Astrid, and he is suppose to do what? The story could be followed better with a little reiteration.
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Thanks for reminding me to reiterate / set some of these plot point up a little better. Hopefully, Gant's plan will become more obvious as the story develops. Take care, Gray
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Sounds like promising feedback...
Finally, the Ice Queen is melting! Very tricky of you to build her up as a stuck-up brat just before she shows a softer side! Just when I was starting to hate her. How intuitive of you to understand just when the reader's patience had run out!
If I haven't said this before: you manipulator, you! JP
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Yup. Glad to here it, but this being a YA, there will still be plenty of back and forth with her character. She's not ready to cuddle with kittens yet :)
No
Ann Everett