6.
Shadeviper
“That Peacock was intense.”
Vin shares his assessment of Prime Enforcer Cillian Gant as we shuffle out of the assembly hall, heads down and voices low. We’ve been back in the GA for five days now, enduring countless debriefing sessions capped by a three-hour grilling with Chief Guardian Locke.
So far, the lie has held up, but I’m not congratulating myself yet. There’s still one more interrogation to survive.
I follow Vin into the sun-dappled atrium, my brain reeling from two straight hours of speeches by Neoden’s top dignitaries and officials – or Peacocks as we like to call them, on account of their bright uniforms and the way they’re always strutting around. An endless parade of blowhards, all saying some variation of the same thing:
Our nation grieves with you.
Your loss will be avenged.
We’ll hunt down and eradicate those responsible.
As if these platitudes could offer any real comfort.
Only the Prime Enforcer, who spoke at the end, said anything of real substance. Unfortunately, his message was terrifying.
He said we’d been betrayed from within. That traitors and Sinovoss spies moved among us, even at the highest levels of power. That the terrorists who called themselves Aletheians, while dangerous, posed less of a threat to the Founding Three’s Sacred Vision than our internal enemies.
Bloodcurdling stuff, even if he hadn’t been hovering over us as he said it. Even if I hadn’t been scheduled to meet him for a private debriefing in less than an hour.
Vin is supposed to go first. Just the thought of that makes me sick. My only consolation is that he still doesn’t know about Liv. Far as he’s concerned, what happened in Washton is simple: I chased after a Gamma, ignoring the recall signal like a maniac. He did what any responsible teammate would do by going after a partner in trouble.
No need to lie. His truth is safe, unlike mine.
“Looks like I’m up,” he says, eyeing two approaching Enforcers. “Guess you’ll have to start your sets without me.”
We’re standing outside the gym, where we’d planned to blow off some steam before the interviews, but that’s not going to happen now. Someone has moved up the schedule. The Enforcers motion for Vin to follow them and I notice they’re fully armed: lightning sticks on the left to stun, slicers on the right to kill.
Weapons live, even within the sheltered walls of the Academy.
“Vin,” I whisper urgently. “Remember who this man is. Please don’t do anything stupid.”
“Come on, kid.” He grins, like this is some sort of amusing misunderstanding that we’ll joke about later. “Don’t you know me by now?”
I do, I think, watching the two Enforcers escort my best friend down the corridor. That’s the problem. As they turn a corner, he glances over his shoulder to give me one last wink.
Then he’s gone.
Alone and fighting panic, I tell myself he’ll be okay, saying it again and again.
He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.
I keep repeating the words like a prayer, unaware I’m saying them out loud until a voice interrupts me.
“Don’t be so sure about that.”
I pivot, startled to find Astrid. She’s standing just a few feet behind me, alone. Who knows how long she’s been there? This is the first time our paths have crossed since that awkward confrontation in the infirmary. If her dark expression is any indication, she’s still holding a major grudge.
“Excuse me?” I say, my voice cracking.
She sweeps a stray lock of hair from her eyes, which are fixed on me like laser sights. “You said ‘He’ll be okay,’ and I said ‘Don’t be so sure about that.’”
“Really? What do you know?”
“I know enough about Cillian Gant. Tell me, Wil. Have you ever met the Prime Enforcer face-to-face?”
“No,” I admit.
“Well, I have. Thanks to you, I got to spend a whole hour with him this morning.”
“Thanks to me?”
Instead of answering, she just glares at me, cheeks flushing. Like I’m the one who planted the fragging bombs in Washton.
“I get that you’re upset,” I say, trying to stay calm. “I’m sorry you lost so many friends, but I’m a victim here too.”
From the just-smelled-curdled-milk look on her face, I’m fully expecting her to slap me, but instead she takes a deep breath, then asks “When is Gant interrogating you?”
“Right after Vin.” I check my time stamp. “In just under an hour. I’m supposed to wait here.”
“Then we still have time.” Her eyes dart to mine. “Meet me in the greenhouse in ten minutes. Behind the irrigation pumps.”
It’s an order, not a request. And just in case I didn’t get that, she turns and walks away before I can reply.
When she’s gone, I close my eyes, remembering the first time Astrid Blake turned her back on me to end a conversation…
It was my first year at the GA, and things weren’t going well with my new roommate – this obnoxious High Founder kid named Vandy who couldn’t accept that he’d been paired up with a Camp Rat. His solution, of course, had been to make my life as miserable as possible. When taunts didn’t work, things got physical, escalating to the point where I always walked around with bruises.
One afternoon, he and his friends cornered me in the playing fields. I tried to defend myself, but there were just too many of them, too many fists and boots raining down on me, so I eventually curled up into a ball and closed my eyes, thinking: it has to end. They’ll get bored and move on.
But this time, they didn’t.
Instead, the beating only intensified, becoming more and more vicious with each passing second.
They’re going to kill me.
As the realization hit, I felt panic give way to something else – a heaviness coating my body, like the numbness that must wash over an animal when it’s being mauled to death. It didn’t really matter anymore. Nothing mattered.
Let them do it, I thought with resignation. Just get it over with.
That’s when I heard her voice, raised in anger. A voice that sounded so much stronger than the little girl who reached into the scrum of bodies to pull me out.
Astrid Blake.
I already knew who she was. Everyone did. She’d never so much as looked in my direction. But on that late fall afternoon, it was the Prime Founder’s daughter who stepped in, pushing her way in front of the boys who were beating me senseless.
I don’t recall her exact words, or the threats she used to get them to stop. All I remember is looking up at her after my attackers had skulked off, my face all bloodied and bruised.
Her voice was firm but gentle. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
She studied my face, pale blue eyes questioning. “Then why didn’t you fight back?”
“Because that only makes it worse.”
“But they won’t stop. Don’t you get it? You have to stand up for yourself!”
I knew she was right, but that didn’t keep the bitter tears from flooding in, and suddenly, I didn't just hate them. I hated her. I hated her for showing me pity. For making me feel that way. Humiliated. Powerless. Weak.
What right did she have to judge me?
“Why do you care?” I snapped, the words spewing out like venom. “It’s none of your damned business!”
She stepped back, a split second of hurt flickering in her eyes before they hardened. “You’re right,” she muttered. “It is none of my business.”
And before I could think to apologize, she turned her back on me and marched away.
That was eight years ago, when Astrid Blake dismissed me with those parting words.
Eight years, and she still hasn’t forgiven me.
*
I find Astrid right where she said she’d be, leaning against an irrigation pump and looking bored. Behind us, sunlight blazes off solar panels, flooding the greenhouse with an iridescent glow. When I reach her, she skips toward me and plants a kiss on my cheek. I’m so surprised that I stumble backward, almost losing my footing.
“Here,” she whispers into my ear. “Just follow my lead.”
The gardens are a popular snug-up spot, so now I get what she’s trying to do: we’ll draw less attention from the vid monitors if we look like a couple. Still, it’s hard to act casual when she grabs my hand and pulls me after her.
Heart racing, I follow her into the nearest building – a towering glass pyramid housing a lush rain forest. It’s hard to believe the cool, alpine valley where we live once looked like this, before the Clysm. It’s as hot and humid in here as a steam bath, with exotic floral scents filling the air. A bird chirps down at us from somewhere in the thick green canopy.
“Keep your voice down and stay near the pipes,” Astrid orders as we weave through a fruit grove. It’s hard to make out her words above the constant hiss of the irrigation pipes, which must be why she brought us here – to mask our conversation.
Why is the Prime Founder’s daughter trying to evade surveillance?
When we reach the bank of a gurgling stream, she stops and drops my hand. From the look in her eyes, it’s clear the friendly act is over.
“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing,” she hisses, “but it has to end. Now.”
“I –” I cross my arms, still dazed by that kiss. Probably did it just to throw me off balance. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Like hellfire you don’t. You didn’t get lost during the sim. You were tracking a Gamma, just like I was!”
“Right. I thought I was tracking someone, but never got close enough to be sure.”
“And then you got lost.”
“Exactly. Vin and I were trying to find our way back when we ran into you.”
Astrid’s eyes have this way of changing depth – flat as blue ice in one moment, then deep as the Great Sea in the next. That’s how they look right now as she recounts what she told Cillian Gant. “He already knows the truth: that we were both closing in on the same Gamma right before the attack.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Like I said, Vin and I were tracking –”
“Please! Vin can’t track his own shadow. We were the only ones who picked up on her.”
“On her? How do you know –?”
“The aura was coming from a girl? Same way you did – by her colors. Male auras are static, but hers kept shifting. Definitely feminine.”
“Wait a minute.” I take a step back, trying to wrap my mind around what she just said. “You sift through colors? But I thought you were a Sniffer!”
“I’m both.” She shrugs as if this is no big deal, but she may as well have just announced she can travel through time. Sifting through two senses? No one has that kind of psionic power.
“That’s impossible,” I mutter.
“Not for me. Sniffing comes easier, but my color sense is stronger. It’s my secret weapon” – Her eyes narrow – “and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Founders’ Blood. I don’t think she’s lying. Suddenly, Head Instructor Slate’s prediction that a Rainbow would win the Fox Hunt makes perfect sense. He wasn’t betting on me. He was betting on Astrid.
“How many people know you’re a Rainbow?” I ask after a tense stretch of silence.
“Let’s just say it’s not common knowledge.”
“But why? Why keep it a secret?”
“Why do you think?” Her tone sharpens. “It’s hard enough to be the Prime Founder’s daughter. I don’t need anything else to single me out.”
I nod but say nothing. Poor Princess Astrid. If she’s fishing for sympathy, I’m not biting. Try being a Settler in a school full of hostile High Founders. Try never knowing your parents.
“There.” She crosses her arms. “I shared a secret. Now it’s your turn. What really happened in Washton?”
“What do you mean?” I frown. “We were attacked.”
“Obviously. And yet here we are. Alive and” – She motions to her body – “without a scratch. That Gamma led us away from the blast zone. She saved our lives. What I can’t figure out is why.”
“We were chasing her,” I note. “I doubt she had any plan beyond escaping.”
“Is that what you plan on telling the Prime Enforcer?”
“I plan on telling him the truth.”
“No you don’t. You’re hiding the most important detail!” She must realize she’s almost shouting, because her voice lowers to an angry whisper. “That girl came looking for us. She knew exactly what she was doing.”
“If you sensed all that, then your Sifting skills are way better than mine.”
She shakes her head, pouting in that critical way of hers. “The clueless act’s not going to work, Wil. You’ve already lied to Locke, but this is different. Don’t even think about lying to Gant. He’s one of the most powerful Sifters alive. Before he became Prime Enforcer, he ran the GA.”
“So?” I challenge. “Sifters can’t read other Sifters. That’s our one blind spot, remember?”
“Doesn’t matter. Gant will get what he wants anyway, even if he has to strip it out of you.”
“He can't do that.”
“Why not? Because you’re almost a Guardian? You think that will protect you? Well, it won’t. You and Vin are –”
“Just Settlers, right?” I spit out the words for her.
“Yeah.” She looks away, then back again. “I’m sorry, Wil, but that’s the truth. Gant could strip your brains just for kicks and no one would even care.”
“I see.”
I avert my eyes before Astrid can see the hatred welling in them. She’s right, of course. All she’s done is say out loud what we all know. It doesn’t matter what Vin and I accomplish in this life or any other. We’ll always be low-bloods, which means a man like Prime Enforcer Gant can do whatever he wants to us.
I picture Vin strapped to a chair, his head crowned with stripping nodes. I imagine him crying out in pain as the first synaptic surge hits his brain. I’ve heard the stripping procedure sometimes takes days, slowly tearing the victim’s memories out one at a time, leaving nothing human behind.
“I’m sorry,” Astrid repeats, her voice softening, “but you need to know what you’re facing.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask. “You don’t give a damn what happens to us, right?”
The accusation seems to catch her off guard. “I never said that. We’re not friends, Wil, but you’re still my classmate. You were admitted to the GA for a reason, and so was Vin.” Surprisingly, her lips twitch with the hint of a smile. “At least, I think he was.”
Before I can react to her unexpected personality thaw, she checks her time stamp and scowls at me. “You need to get back to the assembly hall. So what are you going to tell Gant?”
“That I was tracking a female Gamma.”
“And?”
“That I lost her right before the recall signal went out.”
“But why didn’t you tell the Chief about this mystery girl? Why lie?”
“I didn’t lie!” I answer in frustration. We’re going in circles now. “I told him I was tracking her.”
“That’s not what I mean.” She thins her lips, that deep water gaze returning, and for a split second, it feels like she’s peering straight into my mind and seeing… everything. But that’s not possible. I don’t care how good she is. Sifters can’t read each other.
“You know her, don’t you?” she whispers.
“No!” I snap, too forcefully. She’s guessing. Picking up on my expression. Using her formidable intuition. “Of course not. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Then why did she save us?”
“I –” I shrug, feeling the weight of her question on my shoulders. “I have no idea.”
“Fine, then.” Her eyes go flat again. “Have it your way. But if you’re sticking with that story, better keep things simple. Gant will sniff out any inconsistencies and make you choke on them. Watch your step, like you’re trying to get past a shadeviper, because believe me – that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.”
I thank her for the colorful advice, anxiety now gnawing at my stomach.
What have I gotten myself into?
“And one more thing,” she calls over her shoulder as she walks away. “If you’re done lurking in the shadows, you can follow me out. Don’t want you getting lost again.”
***
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Hi Gray,
I know I reviewed this the first time, but I'll go over it again. I just joined a local critique group and took my first chapter of TMAS. I think it's been reviewed a gazillion times here on the site, and the local partners found even more to correct!! I don't think we ever get done editing.
Well, it's still a good chapter moving the plot along and you have some nice dialogue in it.
~Ann
Only the Prime Enforcer, who spoke at the end, [had] said anything of real substance. ***I think you can take out this "had" unless you just like it.
He said [that] we’d been betrayed from within.
Back!
--I laughed at this: "endless parade of blowhards." LOL!
--"chilled me to the bone"... I think you could avoid the cliche here (and they are very difficult to avoid sometimes!) simply by giving us a physical reaction of Wil's. Maybe he shivered, or curled his fists. But I also like how you plant the seeds of discord and betrayal here. It appears Wil is being set up to do something that goes against what he's learned at the Academy. Great tension.
--"His truth is safe"... I had to read this over a couple times to understand. Could just be me. I think what Wil means is that Vin can tell the truth and have it be okay because he'll lose nothing, but if Wil tells the truth what he reveals could potentially be damaging. Right?
--"suddenly terrified"... I dunno, the poor kid seemed pretty afraid before!
--"before I can [give her my] reply"... just a suggestion for tightening. Here's another one: "sunlight blazes off [of] solar panels."
--You might want to make Wil a bit more taken aback when Astrid suddenly gets physical with him and kisses him. Even though he quickly rationalizes what she's doing, I can imagine this would be quite the shock! Especially since Astrid has been so cool to him in the past and they come from drastically different social classes. I think if you didn't give her motive right away, it would keep the tension riding high. (lol, I'm taking a Stanford course right now on novel plotting and we've been discussing tension for two weeks now. So I'm all about it.)
--Great scene setting with the orchard and hissing irrigation pipes. I can see it vividly. Also I think it's great how you have Astrid validate Wil's special abilities here. I'm wondering if it might be more appropriate to place Astrid's backstory with Wil here? At this point the reader is probably wondering, "Why is this ice queen being so kind to him?" so you can show that her reaching out to him is not unprecedented. With a little tweaking for context I can see it fitting nicely here!
--"Don't even think about lying to Gant"... this could be me being slow, but it took me a moment to work out that Astrid thinks Wil IS lying, even though he and the reader knows he's telling the truth. In a way, this is good--you have me so firmly on Wil's side that Astrid looks like the liar, even though both their "truths" are right, in a way.
--"welling up in there"... "in them" might work better, especially if you remove the "up." Great summation of conflict in this graph. Poor Wil!
--I love the graph about "memory stripping," how you describe it as a physical rather than psychological process. Seems terrifying.
--"unexpected personality thaw"... lol!!!
Another great chapter, Gray. I wonder if there may be romance on the horizon for Wil and Astrid? ;-) Sorry lol, I could be way off but when I read YA I immediately start trying to guess who will pair with whom. I'm impressed by your brisk pace and clean, tight writing. And how entertaining this is! My final suggestion would be to play up Wil's anxiety in the final graph. If anything, Astrid's advice should make him more nervous! And maybe remind the reader of the stakes. What does Wil have to lose, aside from the memory stripping? I'm assuming he will be removed from the Academy. It could ruin his entire life, right?
I'm looking forward to reading on. :-)
JLiz
Another nice chapter. Didn't see any major speed bumps and the story flowed nicely. Great use of the senses in the description of the greenhouse. Those are the details that engage the reader. While this chapter answered quite a few questions, it also raises a few more to pull the reader forward. Again- nicely done.
Hey, graymartin - You've revised the organization of your chapters, I see, since the flashback of Wil's fight I'd read before. Anyway, this was another clean chapter, and with it comes Astrid needing Wil's help to keep their stories straight. But why, I wonder? Was she, like Wil, off on a hunt that had nothing to do with the gamma? And if so, why not let Wil get into trouble by lying about getting lost? Hmm. Something is afoot here. Wil's a smart guy; I'm sure that will occur to him.
Only thing I have to comment on is the formatting. In several places, you have sentences as separate paragraphs which, IMO, would be better in the same paragraph. Example: 'He said we'd been betrayed from within.' This sentence and the next two could be in the same paragraph, rather than three separate ones. And the next two sentences also deserve to be in one paragraph, rather than two.
That's it. I like the scheming, sure-of-herself Astrid. I predict she and Wil be an item before the story's over. And then what about Liv? Uh-oh. :)
Take care,
Jack
Hi again,
Wel, I just read the reviews of the previous chapter and I guess I'm all alone on the POV. However, I stick by my comment, I think you have to choose.
This is a great chapter!
I have a few suggestions:
The tense swaps in the flashback to Wil's light and Astrid's help. That may be deliberate, but, unimaginitive cretin that I am : ), I think flashbacks should be in past tense to offset against your present tense story.
Also, I've noticed throughout that your guys use a lot of 21st century slang, like dude, bro, hook up etc., and t feels off to me. After all, we're in post apocalypse...
Finally, is Astrid's story really that far from Wil 's, other than the omission of Liv? Am I missing something?
Great job again!!!
: )
Terri
Hi, GM. So, Wil has both a friend in Astrid, as well as a competitor? This is good news. Not only does the friendship help round him out, but it also makes the Academy seem more realistic.
Nits, Comments & concerns:
>>As far as he’s concerned, what happened in Washton is simple: I flipped >>out and ran off like a maniac. He did what any responsible teammate >>would do: went after a partner in trouble.
You cannot have two colons in the same paragraph. Here is how I would do it, "As far as he’s concerned, what happened in Washton is simple: I flipped out and ran off like a maniac; he went after me, like a good partner. It's a simple, straightforward explanation."
>>I do, I think, watching the two thugs escort my best friend down the corridor.
This sentence is quite telling, as it lets us know that Wil does see the unnecessary force in his world, and he doesn't like it.
Tyrants use soldiers to enforce their will, and they expect others to like it; some do, too, which is scary. Many people fall in love with the pageantry of military uniforms and traditions. Both Lincoln and Washington remarked that when you are under fire, there is a thrill which courses in the one's blood, and makes the life-or-death nature of it all very intoxicating. Social psychologists have noted, however, that long-term stresses of combat or military tension cause a "draining effect" on the nervous system. Over the long term, tyrannies grow unworkable because their very nature kills morale and deadens human potential. Coping devices such as alcohol or drug use explode under dictatorships, which leads to work-loss and poor labor habits. Some experts believe it may take as long as three generations to undo the damage that communism did to Europe and Russia.
>>– this obnoxious High Founder kid named Vander
There is no name of Vander in my standard name source. However, its closest root is "Vance" which is Old English and means "marsh/fen".
Lawrence
Enjoying this one. Had a few questions this chapter though...
I was thinking you could show more of the Prime Enforcer's speech firsthand rather than sum it up. Also, you have this same memory scene of Wil & Astrid earlier in your book (unless you've moved it since I read that previous chapter).
Anxious to see what happens with Wil's interrogation & his & Astrid's relationship & what the deal is with the mystery girl from his past...
Okay, so, between the back-story and Astrid's actions in this chapter, I think I'm liking her - trusting her. Am I where you want me? LOLOLOL To me, your writing is fresh and original and very easy to follow for Science Fiction. Usually (unless it is a movie or television show) I bow out by now or shortly hereafter. You continue to capture my attention. Your characters are easy to like or hate, lol. You are building them well, slowly, at a pace that is easy for me. I like the Neoden dignitary tag name, Peacock--perfect.
Two suggestions:
Neoden’s top dignitaries and officials, or peacocks as we like to call them, on account of their bright uniforms(.) [and the way they're always strutting around]. An endless parade of blowhards, all saying some variation of the same thing:***I so totally got the peacock thing, even drummed up the strutting and pecking and attention getting before I read that line in brackets and after reading it I felt like I was fed the same mental image which make the next sentence lesser than it could be. JMHO
“You said Vin will be okay, and [ ]I said that’s not likely.”
Between 'the man' being able to do whatever he wants with 'settlers' and the whole 'strapped to a chair, head crowned with spikes of electrodes' thing I got a Clockwork Orange kind a willies. (shudder) I have the feel of your world and it's slowly sinking into my bones--it's scary.
Susan
I'm loving the surprises with both the back story and their current situation. Love seeing Astrid fleshed out more, though I'm still curious how someone in such a high position came to care about lowly settlers...it's a pleasant surprise. And clearly she cares about Wil in the first place. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when Astrid was interviewed, but I can see that it wouldn't really work with your set-up. I just think it would be a fun scene to read, to get to know Astrid better and see her maneuvering against Cillian. I just feel like she's sassy. Gotta love a sassy heroine! Laura
but you’re still a Guardian, and so is Vin...Even if he is a really lousy one
>Ouch!
Nothing to nit here. Shortish chapter and it seems you've already beaten into editing valhalla. I too was caught off guard by the kiss. He should have pawed her while he had the chance. Oh. She'd have beaten him up? Would have been worth it.
-K
Another incredibly easy flowing chapter.
I really liked the back story with Astrid, you just know she and Wil are going to get close (if not romantically they'll be great friends). But why does she hang out with the creeps? Or will we find out because Wil and Vin are just too defensive to be friends with anyone else?
Anyway, I'm really curious to read on now. I want to know why Cillian Gant feels so threatened by what Goldie would call 'pishers.' You're doing a great job of positioning them as the heroes they probably will become.
High stakes, conflict, potential romance, and even a bomb. You've got it all going on. BTW..have you read The Goldfinch yet? I recommend it as a great first person YA voice. (he grows up over the course of the book).
Another great chapter. I especially liked the interaction with Astrid. She seems legit, with a plausible reason to help him because it will be backing up her story. But is there more. We'll see, I guess.
Only other comment I have is I think you should use past tense throughout in the short flashback scene with Astrid. You start out in past (and past perfect) but then switch to present. That jarred me, and I thought we'd moved back into the present.
Excellent chapter with a funny hook at the end, even without my suggestions on strengthening it below. The character of Astrid was strengthened here and done very well with his memory of her helping him in the distant past. So we now have two views of her, which really strengthens the hook.
My suggestions below are minor overall, the writing was top notch. I hope they help. R. M.
{“That Peacock was intense.”
Vin shares his assessment of Prime Enforcer Cillian Gant…} I wouldn’t separate the statement and the attribution, it confuses the reader. I noticed you use paragraphing as a dramatic flourish occasionally. I’d avoid this in general, and write to the reader, to whom such devices can be confusing or jarring.
{…but I’m a victim here too.”} I don’t think this is what he’d say. I’d use, “I lost friends too,” even if he didn’t really, he knew them, and it’s very traumatic when. people you know are killed.
{I thank her for the colorful advice, anxiety now gnawing at my stomach.} This is a variation of tell, called summary. It’s useful at the end or beginning of a scene, but not when it avoids a difficult write, as here. You need to show his emotions as he thanks her. She’s beautiful and she has helped him when she didn’t have to and he’s a horny teenage boy. He’d have to be gay not to respond to that situation. I could write two pages on just the fantasies that would flash through his mind.
{“Fine,” she says, already walking away.} After you write his reaction to her and what he says, you change the meaning of this sentence, don’t you see?
Also, {She’s almost out of sight when she calls back over her shoulder: “And you’d better follow me out. (here I’d put either ‘we’ or ‘I’ depending on what you want to do to him next emotionally)Don’t want you getting lost again.”} Personally I think it shows both humor (she knows she’s beautiful and she knows the effect she has on males) and interest.
Dear Gray Martin:
Interesting twist. The bad girl is not that bad at all.
The flashback is nice, but I would elaborate a bit further, so we'd obtain a multidimensional character. It's well done and it can remain as it is, but feels a tad flat.
Did I read an insinuation that Astrid likes Vin? If so, it was weak. You don't need to explain yet why Astrid wants to him, but at least hint clearly enough for the reader to come with a theory, even if it's the wrong one.
Nice chapter, and tension and intrigue is building up very nicely.
Kiss,
Gacela.
Hey Gray, this continues to a fun and well-written story. Astrid and Wil's dialogue was really good, too. I'm interested in the technology being used against the Settlers, especially the mind-stripping device. I've been hearing for some time that we have computers that can not only read a person's mind but can implant memories as well. No nits, no errors.
Well you got me for awhile. I need a lot of points and this is an interesting and well written story. One of the key things in books is to up the story by revealing more about the characters that proceeded. You seem to be doing that naturally. Good. Astrid brings in new dimension to the story and might save Wil's ass. The back story is okay here, as we are in a moment of action stall. So far so good, I might actually read this story naturally if it flung on my laptop.
Author
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Glad to hear it, Norm. I agree that the best stories always add layers as you read -- both in terms of plot and character development. This was definitely my intention when "showing" Astrid's true character over time. If I ever reach the sequel, my plan is to make her and Wil the two POV characters, but I wanted to keep her enigmatic for a while. I'm trying to do the same thing with other characters you'll hopefully meet along the way. I've always found the most intriguing characters tend to hang out in the moral grey zone (Han Solo, Captain Jack Sparrow, etc...) Thanks for sticking with me this far! Gray
I didn't see anything to correct or change. I like that Astrid is not the one-dimensional rich girl. How long do thesekids study? It sounds like they've been there a long time, since Wil was young enough to be beaten up by bullies. The chapter was enjoyable, moving the story right along. Good work. JP
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Thanks for reading on, JP. The Academy is an 8-year program (from 8 yrs old through 16). I debated fleshing out their curriculum in a "Harry Potter at Hogwarts" fashion, but opted to just hint at it from time to time to avoid getting too bogged down in the school. May need to rethink that though if enough people wonder what kind of training they got there...
Morning, Gray. Very fine chapter:-) It seems to be that Astrid has zero agendas...and that she has feelings for Wil... I'm not going to bank on anything, but I'm thinking that Astrid will be a powerful ally with Wil over the coming chapters...
Conversely, if Astrid does have an agenda, then you've got her covering up too dang well, imho.
It's going to be very interesting as to how both Vin and Wil deal with Mr. Gant...I'm anticipating perhaps too harrowing of a time for Vin, and a very challenging one for Wil, but one that strengthens him, perhaps. Maybe Astrid will sort of supersede Vin as a war-partner to Wil...and maybe in the end Wil and Astrid become an item...lol!
Excellent, excellent story, Gray!!
Peace,
Mike
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Thanks, Mike! Really glad you're enjoying this. I appreciate the encouraging feedback! Gray
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Ann Everett