“Wait, hold on a second,” Dax breaks in from behind us. “Who said anything about Scilla?”
I pivot to find him strolling toward us, wearing his usual lopsided grin.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Astrid shoots back. “If you already have fighters near Scilla, this is the perfect opportunity! We need to strike now, before Gant strengthens his position. He’s still weak. Free my father and all of Neoden will rally to his side!”
“Okay, Sunshine and Rainbows.” Dax gives her a condescending smirk. “Let’s just say, for arguments sake, that we launch a surprise attack on Scilla Rock to bust out your dad. If, by some miracle, we manage to break through their defenses, and if, by an even bigger miracle, we find him alive, what happens next? Wilmington? Vineland?” He waves his hands around to invite a response. “Anyone?”
“We’ll be trapped,” Ferro finally mutters.
“Correct!” Dax turns back to Astrid. “Gant’s got a hundred thousand ‘Forcers fighting the Sinovoss in the Eastern Territory, and you’d better believe none of them are loyal to your father. They’ll block all escape routes out of Scilla and then close in on us like a noose.” He clenches his fists in a throttling gesture to illustrate the point. “You’ll be playing right into his hands.”
“I’m not afraid of Gant,” Astrid snaps. “He’s a coward, hiding behind his wall of Enforcers.”
Dax whistles loudly. “That’s some wall. More like a fragging mountain.”
Astrid ignores him and turns to Cael. “That’s just an illusion. Gant’s still weak. Why do you think he’s moved my father across the Great Sea?”
The brawny Aletheian smiles, showing off his perfect teeth again. “Because he’s afraid there will be an uprising. Augustin Blake is still very popular.” He pauses before adding, “And so is his daughter.”
“That’s right,” Ferro cuts in, wrapping a protective arm around Astrid’s waist. “Gant’s ruling by fear, not loyalty. Our people will turn on him as soon as they’re given the opportunity.”
Dax chuckles. “You mean like your dad? Yeah, he really seemed to be distancing himself from the Prime Psycho in that broadcast we just watched. Tell us, Peacock. Does Chief Justice Rhone cozy up to all his enemies like that?”
Fahrenheit reacts as expected: by blowing his top. “My father had no choice!” he shouts, stomping his feet. “What was he supposed to do? Denounce Gant and end up branded a traitor?”
Astrid narrows her eyes at him. “That’s what my father would have done, Ferr. He would’ve stood by his friend, whatever the price.”
“Then he would have made a huge tactical error,” Ferro counters, but he’s lost all his bluster now. He swallows and rubs his eyes, looking like he’s struggling to keep his composure. “Come on, Astrid! Don’t you see what they’re doing? They’re trying to drive a wedge between us. Dad will do whatever he can to help your father, but how is he supposed to accomplish anything if they’re both locked up?”
For once, I see Fahrenheit’s point. “Okay. Let’s assume your father is still loyal. Then what’s his next move?”
Ferro snaps his head around to face me. “I, um…” Suddenly, he’s all tongue-tied. Guess I’m the last person he figured would be defending him. “I don’t know what he has planned, but he’ll keep pretending to be Gant’s ally. And if he’s plotting a counter-coup, he’ll only confide in other Guardians.”
“Makes sense,” Cael muses. “The Loyalists wouldn’t risk having their plot exposed by some random Sifter.”
“Loyalists?” I ask. “You’ve used that term before. What does it mean?”
Cael hesitates, eyes shifting to Thea. “I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer that.”
“Please.” Astrid touches his arm. “I need to know who my father’s allies are.”
Thea must give him some imperceptible cue to go ahead, because he nods and says, “There’s a group of High Founders who still support your father. We think most of these Loyalists are Guardians, and we’ve been in sporadic contact with one of them.” He pauses, gaze returning to Thea.
“Someone in Gant’s inner circle,” she adds.
Astrid shifts to the edge of her seat. “Who?”
“We call him Echo,” Cael replies. “He’s kept his identity a secret, for obvious reasons.”
“So, this Echo person,” Astrid presses. “Does he control any Enforcers?”
Thea shrugs. “We have no idea. All we know for sure is that he’s a High Founder. He first contacted us last year, on behalf of your father. At the time, he wanted to discuss our terms for a peace treaty.”
A peace treaty? Augustin Blake was holding secret negotiations with the Aletheians! No wonder Gant chose to make his move now. I can tell from Astrid’s expression she’s as shocked by this news as I am.
As if just being told she’s a Gamma wasn’t enough.
“It was Echo who warned us about the Washton bombing,” Thea explains. “We also think he engineered the explosion that brought down your Silver Wing on its approach to York.”
“But why would he do that?” Brenne asks, her shaky voice reminding me that she and Vin are new to all this madness. It must feel like they’ve just been dropped into an alternate universe where nothing makes sense.
“Yeah,” Vin adds. “I thought you said Echo was on our side.”
“No I didn’t,” Thea corrects. “The Loyalists have their own agenda, and they’ll do whatever it takes to restore Augustin Blake to power.” She gives Astrid a knowing look. “They were even prepared to sacrifice his daughter, if that’s what it took.”
“Hold on.” Astrid breathes in deeply. “You mean these Loyalists tried to kill us?”
Thea nods.
“But… why?”
“Because they knew Gant was going to use you to bring down your father,” I say, seeing the puzzle pieces fit together.
“That’s right,” Thea confirms. “But if you died in a tragic accident, that would unravel his plan. Your father would benefit from a wave of public sympathy. He’d be practically untouchable.”
Ferro snorts. “This is bleeding insane! Do you really expect us to believe a secret group of High Founders tried to assassinate the Prime Founder’s daughter?”
“Face it, Fahrenheit,” Vin says. “It makes sense.” Brenne nods in agreement, while Astrid’s wide eyes speak for her.
“They were right to try.” She massages her temples, like she’s trying to scour away reality. “I wish they’d succeeded.”
“You don’t mean that,” Thea says. “Keeping you and Wil safe… there’s nothing more important now. You’ll understand this when you’re ready to embrace the truth.”
Astrid glares at her. “And what truth is that? That I’m defective? That I’m a Gamma, just like you and Wil?”
Ferro reaches for her hand, but she wriggles away. “Well, guess what? Even if you’re right, I don’t give a rot! The only thing that matters right now is my father. He’s the only hope we have, and we’ve been given one chance to save him.”
She pivots from Cael to Thea. “Talk to your friends. Convince them to join us in a rescue mission. Become my father’s ally and you’ll have a voice in the future. Or you can stick to spray-painting graffiti on the walls… that is, until Gant hunts down every last bleeding one of you.”
Thea considers her fiery words for a long moment before finally saying, “You’re right, but launching a raid on Scilla Rock… that’s not my decision to make.” She turns abruptly to Kobari. “Can we surface for long enough to contact the Core?”
Kobari frowns. “Risky. If there’s a destroyer within a hundred miles, she’ll fix on our coordinates and transmit them straight to Gant’s low-orbiting satellites. Then they’ll be able to blast us out of the water. It would be much safer to send another Mib.”
“A Mib?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“Message In a Bottle,” Cael explains. “That’s how we’ve been sending updates to the Core. Thea records her message, then it’s jettisoned to the surface with a time delay of one hour before transmission. That way, even if a destroyer pings the signal, we’ll be long gone. In theory, they could try to guess our trajectory by connecting a chain of Mibs, but the Captain’s way too good for that. He changes course every time a new Mib is released.”
Damn, this Cael guy’s brain must be as big as his muscle mass. I remember something he said about being an engineer. Only Founders would have access to that kind of training, which makes me wonder how he wound up joining the Aletheians.
“A Mib won’t do this time,” Thea tells Kobari. “We need to establish either a vid link or two-way audio contact.”
The Captain massages his stubble, looking far from happy. “It’s a risk,” he finally says. “The Navy’s been hunting for us since we joined the cause, and there’s a good chance they’ve figured out by now that we extracted you from York. You know our mission isn’t sanctioned. If we’re caught –”
“Understood,” Thea cuts in sharply, “but I agree with Astrid. If we have a chance to disrupt Gant’s plans before they take root, we should take it. Freeing her father would send a powerful message.”
“It will prove Gant’s vulnerable,” I point out, thinking of my sister. If by some miracle we can stop Gant’s coup, this may be my only chance to save her. “We have to try.”
“Sounds like group suicide for whoever goes on that mission,” Dax grumbles, but before Astrid can lay into him, he throws his hands up and adds, “But you’ve got my vote, Sunshine. An island fortress in a war zone, guarded by a thousand plus ‘Forcers. Probable torture. Certain death. Where do I sign up?”
That earns an unexpected chuckle from Vin.
“It’s agreed then,” Thea concludes. “We need to discuss Astrid’s proposal with the Core.”
Kobari rises from his seat to give her a crisp salute. “We’ll plot a course for deeper water and let you know when we’re ready to go to periscope depth. If you limit your transmission time to under five minutes, we may even avoid detection.”
“Five minutes?” Astrid asks in dismay once Kobari has marched off.
Thea pats her back. “That’s how much time you’ll have to make your argument. There are four members of the Core – one for each territory of Neoden. You’ve already convinced me, but the other three will be harder to persuade, so…” Her lips curve into that all-knowing smile of hers. “I’d plan my words carefully.”
***
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if you died in a tragic accident, that would totally undermine his plan
>Oh goodness... this was a terrible plan. Couldn't they just kidnap her and shoot her? If I were the loyalists I'd be screaming at whoever came up the the idea of putting a bomb and not snakes in a plane
"Sounds like group suicide," Dax grumbles...
>There's a lot of awesome in this paragraph
I hope Astrid can be as convincing as Obama on Healthcare
There's a gap in the chapter numbers here. I don't know how to interpret that.
§
You expect us to recall from two chapters ago that Astrid is (apparently) a re-incarnation of Aletheia. Maybe you should remind us of it a few times before you assume we'll remember it?
§
Vin and the killer migraine--can Gant actually reach them down here? Or something else?
§
No difficulty in knowing the speaker. Following the convolutions, evolutions and involutions of the scenarios under discussion is another matter. I suggest somehow reinforcing and repeating the assumptions/conclusions in play at each step of the debate.
§
So, will Echo turn out to be Gant himself? Or an alter (alternate personality) of Gant? Oh, -that- would be a kick. In a tender place.
Hey Gray,
The very first word kinda threw me. It that supposed to be whoa...I wasn't sure, but then he says...hold up a sec. Could just be me.
Okay, as for the dialogue heaviness of this chapter, I think it's fine. Of course I write dialogue heavy too, so that may be why it doesn't bother me!!
I certainly didn't think the chapter dragged. I'm just so glad you're back to writing and finishing this story!!
~Ann
I was able to follow the dialogue perfectly well, so I don't see a problem there. You are setting is up for a lots of action in the next few chapters - a possible raid on a highly secured fortress, or possibly not, since Astrid has to convince the council first.
I like how you've merged Wil's and Astrid's goals together. I'm not sure how they're going to pull it off, but I look forward to it.
Cheers,
Don
Nice. The dialogue was clear and smooth.It was always obvious who was talking. And all the characters have distinct personalities, which is hard to do. Well done.
I'm assuming the book will end with the different sides clearly defined, and the start of the revolution. And you've planted the seed that Farroe's dad might be ECHO, so there may be hope for him yet. Or not...
Anyway I'm eager to read on.
Simi
I was like, Woo-hoo the minute I saw Dax's ta in the first sentence. He is such a fun character--the smart ass. LOL
The ending is also grand. I like that Astrid gets to plead her case for her father's rescue. She's won Perrin over, and it's a good way to screw with Gant.
Super chapter. I really love Dax. But all of your characters have unique personalities and I can often tell who is talking without a tag.
In answer to your questions: No. This chapter does not drag the story, it adds to the tension. And yes, I agree you should break this from the last chapter for flow and pace. As far as dialogue heavy, well I'm the wrong person to ask because I love dialogue and action--not into tell. So anything 'show me' weighted makes me a happy reader.
Nothing to pick at. Your story is moving along very nicely. You don't disappoint.
Susan
Hey. Gray - No problem following the dialogue, which sets up the plan to free Astrid's father. I have some questions about the plane-bomb scenario, though. Do the Loyalists act independently from Echo and the other members of the Core? Would Echo have directed the Loyalists to try for Astrid's assassination, since he must be aware of her bloodline, making her the possible symbol of the coming revolt? Does Gant know about Astrid being the descendant of Aletheia, and is that how he planned to use her to bring her father down, by showing the empire that his daughter was actually the leader of traitorous insurgents? I thought this could be explored a bit more, since it's a rather complicated plot. The paragraph of Wil's dialogue beginning with, "Because they know Gant was going to use you..." would be a good place for it, I think.
Anyway, this was a smooth and effective chapter. Just noticed two things:
- Farenheit reacts as expected[: by blowing his top]. {Unnecessary explanation, IMO.}
- "Five minutes?" Astrid asks in dismay... {Don't get the italics for "minutes." She wasn't thinking of "hours," was she?"}
Take care,
Jack
This was an interesting transitional chapter. All the cards are slowly being laid out on the table, with some of the players having some surprising hands. My only complaint is that there's not enough description about the surroundings: the creaks of the hull, the smell of the electric motors, the sounds of whalesongs echoing through the sub. That sort of thing would add to the atmosphere.
Nits, Comments & Concerns:
>> Okay, sunshine.”
First, if that is a nickname then it should be capitalized. Second, you should end that with a comma, since it is a prelude to the next sentence.
>> “Let’s just say, for arguments sake….
You need an apostrophe after the t in argument.
>> “Gant’s got five hundred thousand ‘Forcers ready to deploy,
That’s fifty divisions of men that he can field. If he can call them up at a moment’s notice, that means that he keeps them combat-ready at all times.
Have you considered the cost outlays for that to be realistic? At the present time, one combat-ready soldier in Afghanistan costs $850,000 a year. Multiply that times 500,000 and you get a total yearly cost of $425,000,000,000! That is more than most modern nations’ GDP! And that is just his outlay for defense spending. It doesn’t take into account Neoden’s need for infrastructure, health care, domestic spending, etc.
At that rate of spending, Neoden would be bankrupt in less than five years. I think you need to pare down the number of combat-ready troops just a bit.
Lawrence
I don't think this slows the story down - you're setting up their next course of action - which looks to be a doosy. If you're worried about too much dialogue you could add a bit more little actions/descriptors amongst the dialogue, but not sure it's necessary.
'like she's trying to rub away reality.' - nice line. Will read more soon!
Hey Gray,
No problem with determining who's speaking. Everyone has a distinctive voice, and you use enough "action tags" to keep me on track. I continue to enjoy Dax's attitude. A giant with a sarcastic tone makes him fun for me. And Vin seemes to enjoy his trait, so maybe they are destined to become fast friends. Dax, Vin, and Wil, and Astrid, hopefully, would be a dynamic trio. Loved the MIB technology, too. time-released messages. too cool!
He's ruling by fear, not loyalty. *this is a subjective suggestion at best: He's ruling through fear, not loyalty.
later, nathan
Again, an excellent chapter without grammatical or content issues. It moves the story forward and ends with a hook on the issue of their being detected. After two readings the below two word choices, such as they are, were all I could find to comment on. I hope it’s helpful. R.M.
{Gant’s got five hundred thousand ‘Forcers ready to…} I’d use ‘troops’ instead. Forcers looks too much like forces, which would not be capitalized of course.
{I remember something he said earlier [on] about being an engineer.} Superfluous word.
The dialogue isn't a problem, it sounds natural.
I'm having trouble accepting Astrid's reason for following her. She's not very convincing--still sounds like a spoiled brat. She's all "My father this, my father that." Just exactly what has her father done to earn their loyalty? It seems to me he was a figurehead for the status quo. She should have had a moment or two of softness earlier in the story to give her the support of readers. Puppies, kittens, butterflies?
Wil's support for her plan seems to come out of left field. If I were the grownup Aleitheian leaders, I'd just look on them as two kids who were running off half-cocked.
Astrid is the key figure in this chapter. We need to buy her cause all the way.
The dialogue isn't a problem, it sounds natural.
I'm having trouble accepting Astrid's reason for following her. She's not very convincing--still sounds like a spoiled brat. She's all "My father this, my father that." Just exactly what has her father done to earn their loyalty? It seems to me he was a figurehead for the status quo. She should have had a moment or two of softness earlier in the story to give her the support of readers. Puppies, kittens, butterflies?
Wil's support for her plan seems to come out of left field. If I were the grownup Aleitheian leaders, I'd just look on them as two kids who were running off half-cocked.
Astrid is the key figure in this chapter. We need to buy her cause all the way.
Thanks for that insight, JP. Astrid is the toughest character to develop for me. She's really the "star" of the story, but I didn't just want to write another dystopian YA with a female heroine who's the chosen one to save her world but doesn't know how special she is, told from her POV. I thought it would be more interesting to tell the story from Wil's perspective, coloring the reader's opinion through his evolving view of her. That said, I've left some pretty gaping holes in her character development that I need to figure out how to fix. Your help here is greatly appreciated! G
Kdot