11.
Olive Branch
“I guess congratulations are in order!” Vin calls out to Garrick.
It’s the morning after Assignments and we’ve just entered the gymnasium – a vast, humid dome located at the center of the GA campus. To our left, first-years scramble up the climbing walls and grunt on conditioning equipment, while the target practice arena and swimming pool on our right – reserved for upperclassmen at this time of day – are depressingly empty.
Garrick returns Vin’s greeting with a wave, looking surprisingly upbeat for someone who just found out he’s going to York. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen the Weasel look so happy.
“Congratulations?” I ask, nose stinging from a sudden whiff of sweat and chlorine. “What’s going on?”
“While you were spacing out during breakfast, Garrick broke the news that he’s not going to York.”
“That’s right!” the Weasel chimes in with a toothy grin. “And neither is Cara. We’re both switching out for Founder’s City! Can you believe our luck? I mean, what are the chances?”
I’m about to ask who’d be crazy enough to make that switch when I realize the obvious answer. Trades require the Chief’s approval and can only be made within the same gender.
Ferro for Garrick. Brenne for Cara.
Garrick confirms that’s exactly what happened. They made the trade early this morning. “What I don’t get is why Astrid didn’t just trade out. I mean, why would someone like her go to the Ice Pit? All she had to do was ask daddy to pull some strings.”
Vin rolls his eyes at me and I know exactly what he’s thinking. It hasn’t even crossed the Weasel’s mind that we may be upset with our assignments.
“Did it occur to you that maybe Astrid asked to go to York?” I challenge.
Garrick snorts. “Why in flames would anyone do that?”
“Because York’s where the action is,” Vin answers, sounding like he almost believes this is a good thing. “We’ll be taking on the terrorists while you work on your tan.”
“Lucky you,” Garrick says, draping an arm over my shoulder. Even in his ego-inflated state, he’s not crazy enough to try that move with Vin. “Just remember to pack enough thermal underwear.”
And with those parting words, he runs off to join a group of first years, who greet him like a conquering hero.
“Would you look at that.” Vin scowls after him. “You’d think the idiot actually did something.”
“Here –” I motion to a nearby sparring ring, where two brawny third years are going at it like they’re in the final throes of a death match. “Why don’t you channel some of that anger?”
“Wait, are you… challenging me, little man?”
I slap a pair of boxing gloves into his chest. “I believe I am.”
“You do know I’m in a downright nasty mood, right?”
“Obviously.”
“And that I’ll probably beat you senseless.”
“I’m sure you’ll try.”
“Well, all right then.” He pulls on the gloves and snarls at me. “Just put on your head gear. Don’t want you getting any brain damage.”
It doesn’t take long for the ring to open up. Within a minute, both boxers land simultaneous head shots, pretty much knocking each other out cold. As we climb in to help them up, I catch a flash of movement in my peripheral vision. Someone jogging toward us. Petite but athletic frame. Pale complexion. Short brown hair in a pixie cut. When she gets close enough, Vin and I both do a double-take.
“Brenne?”
She smiles up at us, cheeks flushed. “Hey, Vin. Hi Wil.” I’m pretty sure it’s the first time she’s spoken to either one of us, but you’d never know from her casual tone.
“What –” Vin blurts out. “What happened to your hair?”
“Oh...” She runs her fingers through the closely cropped strands. “Instructor Slate said I’d stand out too much in the Northern Territory so I changed the style. What do you think?”
Vin inspects her before giving an approving nod. “Nice. I like it.”
“Looks good,” I agree, even though she looks plucked – like a tropical bird stripped of its colorful plumage. “Then the rumors are true? You and Ferro are coming to York.”
“That’s right. Astrid tried to stop us, but it’s done. Wouldn’t want you guys to have all the fun.” She says this with the kind of wistful expression that makes me wonder if I’ve misjudged her all these years. Maybe the girl who just sacrificed her hair, and possibly her future, for her friend deserves more respect than I’ve given her.
“We’re more than happy to share,” Vin says, looking like the same thought just crossed his mind. “And just so you know. If things get intense up in the Ice Pit, we’ve got your back.”
That earns a bashful smile and thank you, followed by a few beats of awkward silence.
“So…” I jump in. “Heard anything about orientation?”
“Um, yeah. Actually, that’s why I was looking for you.” She shifts her weight from foot to foot, in constant motion as she talks. “Astrid wants to meet and go over some things.”
“What did she have in mind?”
“We’re getting together at the training fields in one hour, by the main gate.” Her eyes dart between us. “Can you make it?”
I glance at Vin, who gives me a thumbs up. “Sure. We’ll be there.”
“Great. Oh, and one more thing…” Her thin lips part to form an enigmatic grin. “Bring your hiking gear and thermal jackets. You’re going to need them.”
“Damn.” Vin lets out a whistle once she’s jogged out of earshot. “The new and improved Brenne’s kinda hot. And did you know she’s a Whisper?” His smile goes all daydreamy. “Such a turn on.”
“Know who else is a Whisper?” I point out. “Garrick.”
“Eew.” He pulls a face like he just realized he was drinking rancid milk. “Thanks for ruining that.”
“What are friends for?” I tease, even though my mood’s anything but light right now. What just happened? Did Astrid extend an olive branch? Or is she showing us, right from the start, that she’s the one in control?
“I always assumed Brenne was stuck up,” Vin muses out loud, “but maybe she’s just shy. And you’ve gotta admire her energy. I mean, the girl never slows down. She’s like a fraggin’ hummingbird.”
“I tell you what I do admire,” I say, following Brenne with my eyes. “She just gave up a spot in Founder’s City to stick with her friend. And so did Ferro.”
“Huh,” Vin grumbles. “Thanks for reminding me of that idiot.”
“I don’t like him any more than you do, but still…” I try to imagine the explosive conversation Ferro must have had with his parents after announcing his decision. Surely they would have tried to talk him out of it. Begged, bribed, and when that didn’t work, maybe even threatened to cut him off. Same thing for Brenne. “You’ve got to admire their courage.”
“And loyalty,” Vin adds. “You’re right. Maybe I underestimated them.”
“Yeah.” I lower my head, feeling a fresh wave of guilt. And maybe you’ve been overestimating me.
***
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Hi Gray,
Very nice chapter. Yeah, Brenne has Vin's attention, so I'm guessing you will let him have a little romance...or maybe not.
I don't have anything to offer other than the one little boo-boo below. You had some nice descriptive comparisons in here...Peacocks, Hummingbirds.
Then Wil, at the end, having a moment of guilt/regret. I'm wondering if that will only get worse.
Write faster. I want to know what happens next.
~Ann
“While you were spacing out, Garrick over hear (here) ***This happens to me all the time...my brain thinks one thing, but my fingers type another!!
Well, that was interesting. Maybe I underestimated them too!
It’s interesting the emotions going on in Wil. He really doesn’t have a choice in what’s going on but he feels so guilty. Great transition chapter, though I kind of wished We got to see Wil and Vin fight. LOL!
Bimmy
Hello, Gray!
Great flow of dialogue here in the beginning. Just one little scene-setting suggestion: how far after the ceremony is this? Have they just walked off the stage? You mention them heading toward the gymnasium, but that's somewhat ambiguous. Could be minutes or days later--depending on how long it took for them to arrange the switch.
Good characterization of Garrick as a complete dweeb. :-P
Out of curiosity, and because I'm super detial-oriented, lol, is the switch something that can be arranged among themselves, or do they have to have the consent of a higher up? I don't think this is info you have to include necessarily--it's just that, if this is indeed right after the ceremony, it does seem to happen quickly. But I also think that's a good thing, plot-wise. Makes me wonder why Farroe and Brenne are so eager to be in nasty York, aside from Astrid being there. I mean, that's a pretty big sacrifice! What's Wil's reaction to this, btw? Fear? Dismay? Rage? He and Ferroe don't seem to get along!
"pretty much knocking one another"... this is one of those silly grammatical things, but if there are more than 2 people involved, it's "one another." If it's just two, you have to use "each other." I didn't learn this 'til my senior year of college, lol.
Great description of Brenne as looking "plucked."
Brenne might do too much smiling in her part. "She smiles up at us, a bashful smile, an engimatic smile." Maybe vary her reactions a little bit.
Vin's reaction to Brenne is funny. :0) But I like how Wil is more suspicious. That seems in step with his character. It's nice how you subtly highlight the differences between the two friends. Makes me wonder if there is a potentially big conflict coming up for them in the future.
Aww. Poor Wil at the end. I'm going to reserve judgment on Wil's about-face on Farroe for now, until I read a little more, but my preliminary thoughts are that it might be too much too soon. Tension and conflict between characters is what drives plot. Having Wil empathize with Farroe's predicament might diminish that too much right now. They will probably turn out to be the dynamic fivesome, but for now it might be best to keep Wil simmering. But like I said, I'll have more thoughts on that later once I've read more.
Great chapter, Gray. Brief but informative, with lots of character detail. I can see the "new" Brenne perfectly. Loved Vin's characterization of her as a hummingbird. So cute.
JLiz
Hey, graymartin - Ah, the stereotypical elites are not so one-sided after all. I like it! And, of course, this will continue the presumed rivalry for Astrid. And Vin now has a possible love interest. This is shaping up to be a YA winner!
My only suggestions are personal preference things. No nits per se. The flow was smooth, the dialogue spot on, the setup for the next chapter effective.
- It hasn't crossed the weasel's mind that[we might be upset with our assignments] (he's just denigrated/put down/dissed our assignments). {I think, since he's ecstatic he's not going to York, Garrick would assume Wil and Vin would be upset about going there. Yet in his boorish way, he doesn't think about the put-down.}
- ...pretty much knocking [one another] (each other) out cold.
- "She's like a [fraggin'] (freakin'?) hummingbird. {Not familiar with "fraggin'" outside of a military context, but it might be okay.}
Looking forward to seeing what has become of what I assume is NYC!
Take care,
Jack
Hi, GM. I think one of the endearing qualities about Wil is his humility. It overshadows everything he does, and sets him apart from the other characters, Vin especially. Most of the others that I have seen thus far seem to be bursting to prove themselves. Wil, by contrast, seems to be trying very hard to fit in. This characterization will be appealing to your target audience, Young Adults.
No nits to report.
Lawrence
Wow - they actually traded to be with their friends? I didn't think the privileged kids were so thoughtful. Good - gives things more depth.
Nits: Maybe the girl who just sacrificed her hair, and possibly her future[,] for her friend... (that 2nd comma seemed unnecessary). A fraggin' hummingbird? Not friggin'?
Good stuff - wondering what Vin's going to do if/when he figures things out.
Well, once again I have nothing to offer in the way of making this chapter any better than it already is--I am so enjoying this read--wish I could help, but it's perfection and you don't F#@k with perfection. All I have are my humble observations. Like why are Astrid's friends making nice all of a sudden? I get why they opted out to join their leader. But still... I'll hold my opinion after I see what Farroe does. Of course the way Vin was talking by the end of the chapter, he may pop right out with a positive comment on Brenne and Farroe's loyalty and win the whole team over. But still... not trusting Astrid and her friends yet. LOL
On to the next chapter. If I find something I can nit-pick at you'll hear me whooping in the U.P.
Susan
Moving right along here... I'm charging through in the hopes of getting caught up in January. you're probably near the end, but going for it anyway.
Ok... so Farroe and Brenna have traded into York. Why doesn't Astrid trade out? Wil's explanation wouldn't have sold me. "Of course she wanted Siberia! Think of all the snowy tigers she can snap pictures of!"
O wow, Brenne fell for the lies about danger/excitement. The poor girl.
-K
Nice, loved the way you introduced Brenne, and made her likeable, all in a very genuine, easy way. The dialogue rings true, as well as the teen boy boxing testosterone thing. And then, the easy diversion to the cute girl. Very well done.
So, Ferroe is along for the ride? That's too bad, but it does increase the tensions. Just the fact that I'm not liking him is excellent...I'm rooting for our boy Wil, though I suspect Ferroe may redeem himself, or not.
On another note, my sixteen year old friend is excited to read this book! Do me a favour, please, review another of my chapters (No, this isn't a solicitation, well, it is, but for a good reason), and when I respond, we can exchange less public information. Or, you can just email me...
Simi
Another good chapter. I like having the characters we've been considering petty and selfish do something apparently noble. And, adding Farroe to the mix will only add to the possible tension in future chapter.
One minor suggestion - when I first read this, I thought the action was taking place immediately after the ceremony. It wasn't until several paragraphs I realized it was occurring the next day. You might want to make this clearer earlier.
I didn’t find any nit to point out, which, hopefully is a good thing. I would suggest you paint something of a picture of where this takes place earlier than the two third years in the ring. That's not much of a pictue of a gym. At just over 1000 words, you have a scene here, why make it a chapter if the direction of the story isn’t going to shift? I’ll have to read on to find out. R.M.
Dear:
Yes, this is indeed a short transition chapter. I’m afraid that romance wouldn’t be called for if this is the first time that Brenne talks too them. Maybe later after they’ve lived some adventures together, but not now. I mean, if Brenne has always been as stiff and aloof as everybody else, why would she have changed overnight? Only because Astrid sent her to fetch Wil and Vince? Makes no sense. She would have obeyed Astrid but would have talked to them as if making them a favour,as if she could get infected talking to them. She could be an excellent friend and could be sacrificing herself supporting Astrid, but there’s no apparent reason why she should turn friendly towards Wil and Vince all of a sudden.
This second plot twist, Farroe and Brenne suddenly exchanging places to join Astrid, seems a tad far fetched. The previous day they were celebrating that they had been assigned to Founders City and all of a sudden they have exchanged places to go to the worst possible place. Okay, I know they were celebrating before learning that Astrid had been assigned to York, but you never characterised them as people actually caring for somebody else, not even Astrid. What I’m missing here is a strong reason why these two are changing places to go to the worst destination ever. Friendship is not enough unless you previously show there are strong friendship bonds between these two and Astrid, or a love affair (which might have been hinted, but not strongly enough), or a third, strong, secret reason which the reader—and Wil—will afterwards discover.
Kiss
Gacela.
Hey Gray,
Again, you had me thinking something is up with Astrid, what's her game plan. I'm still suspicious of her. Vin and Brenne adds a romance element, which is probably mandatory for a YA novel;)
Maybe the girl who just sacrificed her hair, and possibly her future, for her friend deserves more respect than I've given her./..deserves more respect than I have been giving her. *since he's been disrectful of her for some time.
That earns a bashful smile and (a) (")thank you(")..
What did/does she have in mind?
Bring your hiking gear and thermal jacket. *thermal jacket sounds too 20th century. Today there is clothing that helps keep us cool, so maybe farther down the road, they'll have clothes that also keep us warm. btw, what century are we in? And is time still measured by our current calendar?
Not finding anything that needs correction or change, so a regular review will have to do.
I can't help but feel Wil is ascribing character traits to some people who don't possess them. Time will tell. JP
Author
Reply
Yup -- Wil tends to do that. He's supposed to be introspective and thoughtful, but sometimes his insecurities get in his way and can annoy others or be mistaken for weakness.
Hello, Gray. How 'bout it? People so often fool us, eh? Then too, my question-asker is still on. Again, I thank you for that; I like stories that make my cells bogie. Nice introduction of Brenne. Obviously, I don't know a lot about her, but it seems as though she and the ferrous one, lol, are not such bad eggs.
Maybe W & V will have their sparring session next chapter? No? Was looking forward to whose psychic talent would prevail, doggone it:-)
Wonderful read, Gray!!
Peace,
Mike
Author
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You're definitely getting it, Mike. This is the chapter where I start to show that Brenne (and even, potentially, Ferro) might not be enemies. Since this is YA, I also might be trying to pair up Vin and Brenne :)
No
Ann Everett