I turn to Thea, expecting denial when I ask how she could be both a Sifter and a Gamma. Instead I get a nod.
“Good to see you’re as curious as ever,” she says. “But explanations will come later. For now, just know I’m a friend who would never hurt you.”
“That reassurance means a lot coming from a terrorist,” Astrid mutters.
Liv, who has remained silent all this time, storms forward. “How dare you call us terrorists! You Stalkers are the terrorists!”
“Huh, interesting.” Astrid squares her shoulders for a fight. “I’ll be sure to tell that to the families of all the innocent Guardians you murdered.”
“Those ‘Guardians’ weren’t innocent! They were being trained to enslave our minds! If we had killed them, it would have been justified. But we had nothing to do with the Washton attack.”
Astrid crosses her arms. “You expect us to believe that?”
“I don’t give a damn what you believe,” Liv fires back. “Far as I’m concerned, the only good Stalker is a dead Stalker. As long as your kind moves among us, we’ll never be free.”
“But…” I step between them. “We’re here to protect you. We keep the peace.”
Liv turns to Cael, looking like she’s about to throw up. “Did he just say peace? You Stalkers keep us in chains! Born with transparent minds, always open to your intrusion. Why do you think those of us who aren’t brain dead hate you, Wil?”
“Enough!” Thea commands. “We don’t have time for this.”
“No. Actually, I’d like to hear more warped terrorist logic,” Astrid glowers at Liv. “How do you justify murdering sixty of my classmates?”
“I don’t have to justify it, because we never planted those bombs! Why can’t you get that through your thick Stalker skull?”
“Why should we believe you?” I cut in. “If you led us away from the attack, then you knew about it, right?”
“We have our sources,” Thea replies. “And those sources warned us about a planned bombing in Washton. When we learned your training exercise would take place there, it wasn’t hard to figure out the target.”
Astrid arches a brow. “And you expect us to believe you had nothing to do with it?”
“You’ll believe what your heart and mind tell you to believe, Miss Blake. And when you search these places, you’ll know who engineered the Washton attack. He’s the same man who sent you to York.”
“Cillian Gant?” Astrid laughs, but I can tell from the high-pitched sound that she’s uncertain now. Scared. “That makes no sense. The Prime Enforcer used to be Chief Guardian. Why would he kill his own students?”
“Have you been following the news lately?” Liv shouts. “He’s using the Washton attack to justify the most brutal crackdown in Neoden’s history! Every day, his Enforcers round up more innocent civilians. They detained tens of thousands last week alone. We’re getting reports of torture and spot executions. Don’t you understand what’s happening? He’s grabbing power!”
“Why should we believe anything you say?” Astrid shoots me a glance, but if she’s looking for reassurance, I’m fresh out. What Liv just said makes nauseating sense. Would Gant kill sixty Guardians if that’s what it took to gain power?
I have no doubt he’d kill a thousand times that number.
Thea motions to Cael. “We should give Miss Blake some proof. Why don’t you scan her?”
He nods, then closes the distance between us in three long strides, but I lunge between him and Astrid. He can’t be more than six inches taller than me, so why does it feel like I’m staring up at a giant?
“Don’t worry,” he says, raising his hands. “I won’t hurt her.”
“Damn right you won’t!”
Instead of forcing his way past me, he retrieves a crescent-shaped device from his cloak pocket to show us. “This is a chip scanner, Miss Blake. With your permission, I’d like to check you for any RTCs – that’s remote tracking chips. The scan won’t hurt at all.”
I glance over my shoulder at the empty space where Astrid stood a moment ago. She’s already slipped past me.
“Why not?” she tells the giant. “It’s not like you’ll find anything.”
He thanks her, then holds the scanner over her head. The device emits a string of high-pitched chirps, like a cricket trapped in a microphone. When he reaches the base of her neck, the chirping goes wild.
“What –?” Astrid pulls away. “What in flames does that mean?”
Cael checks the scanner. “Third gen.” He turns to the others. “Must’ve just put it in. That tech can’t be more than a few months old.”
Astrid’s frown deepens. “That’s impossible. I would know if they put a bleeding chip in my head!”
“Not if they implanted it in your sleep. Here.” Cael takes her hand and guides it to the back of her skull. “Use the pad of your index finger. Start with that notch there as a landmark, then slowly move down the midline and stop… right around… there. Now press.”
She gasps and jerks her hand away. Our minds must be going to the same terrifying place. The argument she had with that medic in Washton. The sedation that left her unconscious for ten hours, done without her consent.
“The insertion leaves a tiny depression in the bone. You wouldn’t notice the spot unless someone pointed it out.”
“No.” Astrid backs away from Cael and slowly shakes her head. “You’re making this up.”
“We already know Wil has a second gen tracking chip,” Thea explains. “That’s in the Enforcer data base, but yours isn’t registered, Miss Blake. For obvious reasons.”
“Third gen RTCs do more than just transmit location and sound,” Cael adds. “If triggered, the chip emits a frequency that causes the blood vessels inside your brain to spasm. Basically, whoever’s on the receiving end gets the worst migraine headache imaginable. Prolonged exposure causes seizures, then death.”
“The infirmary.” I stare at Astrid and she blinks back at me, mouth open. “That’s why you grabbed your head, isn’t it? The sick bastard decided to run a test on you.” Rage surges through me as I think of what Gant did to her. What he did to my sister. The monster actually enjoys this.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way,” Thea says. “We’re not the enemy. I wish we had more time to convince you, but we don’t. Gant’s already moving. Stengthening his grip. Soon, no one will be able to stop him.”
“But…” Astrid blinks away tears. “My father. The High Founder’s Council. They won’t let this happen.”
“They won’t have a choice. Once the Prime Enforcer’s troops sweep through Neoden, anyone who stands in his way will be purged.” Thea's eyes lock with Astrid’s as she makes this point. “Even your father.”
“You’re wrong!” Astrid shouts back. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Thea draws a long breath. “I hope you’re right. But you need to consider the possibility you’re mistaken. When Gant takes control, no one will be safe. His vision will become our nightmare.”
Astrid stares into the darkness, saying nothing. When I touch her arm, she doesn’t react. Is she in shock? I need to tell her about Gant’s plan. I need to tell her everything, but now doesn’t feel like the right time. Not with the Aletheians crowded around us.
I’m about to call her name when she turns back to Thea. “He won’t get away with this. Will you help me stop him?”
“We’ll help each another,” my old teacher answers with a smile. “But first, you need to decide you want to come with us.”
“You mean we have a choice?” I blurt out.
Thea laughs. “Of course! You’re not a prisoner, Wil. We’ll help you to escape from York, but only if that’s what you want. Otherwise” – She motions to the far end of the tunnel – “you’re free to leave.”
“And if we go with you?” Astrid says. “Then what? You just told us not even the High Founder’s Council can stop Gant, so what chance do a bunch of terrorists – sorry, rebels – have? How do you plan to stop him?”
“With the only weapon he can’t defeat,” Thea answers. “We’ll use the truth.”
Astrid crinkles her nose. “What does that even mean?”
“Come with us and find out.”
“Come where?”
Thea's eyes seem to glow from within as she answers, “To Aletheia.”
“Aletheia?” Astrid laughs. “Aletheia’s just a myth!”
“You’re wrong about that. Aletheia is as real as Founder’s City.” Thea turns to the others for confirmation, and one by one, their heads bow in agreement. “Join us and we’ll take you there.”
“You’re talking about a rebel base?” I ask, feeling a burst of hope. Maybe these insurgents aren’t just a small, isolated group. Maybe they’ve organized into a powerful movement.
Astrid scoffs. “Don’t get your hopes up. Aletheia’s long gone. The Great One wiped it off the map thousands of years ago. Don’t you remember this from Prime School?”
I shake my head. Must’ve been daydreaming during that lesson.
“This happened at the beginning,” she continues. “Right after the Clysm. The Aletheians rebelled against the Founding Three, almost destroying the Sacred Vision before it could take root. The Great One punished them by razing their city to the ground.”
So the name isn’t new, and it’s rife with symbolism. No wonder the rebels chose to bring Aletheia back to life.
“A city can be rebuilt,” Thea says, “as long as the hope behind it never dies.”
Astrid gives her an exaggerated eye roll. “Okay. Let’s just cut through the mystical rot. This ‘New Aletheia’ you’ve built… I’m assuming it’s nowhere near the Ice Pit. You couldn’t exactly hide a city of rebels here. The place is crawling with Enforcers.”
“You’re right,” Thea agrees. “Getting there won’t be easy.”
“Perfect.” Astrid takes a deep breath. “Then what’s the escape plan?”
“We’ll take care of that,” Cael says, holding Liv’s hand, and I notice for the first time they’re both wearing necklaces with matching green medallions. Must be a rebel symbol, but then why isn’t Thea wearing one?
“Consider this an invitation,” Thea says. “Whether you accept it or not… well, that’s up to you.”
“But what about our friends?” I can’t just leave Vin behind. What will Gant do once he realizes I’ve betrayed him? What if he decides to punish Vin in my place?
Liv arches a brow. “What about them?”
“What do you think?” Astrid fires back. “They’re obviously coming with us.”
“Impossible!”
“Then I guess we’ll be taking you up on your offer and leaving now.” Astrid tilts her head toward me. “Right, Wil?”
“Right,” I echo without hesitation. Damn right!
“You’re assuming your friends will want to come,” Thea points out. “What if they don’t?”
Astrid shrugs. “We’ll only know if we ask them. They deserve that choice.”
Cael sighs, his broad shoulders slumping. “We’re already taking a huge risk by offering to take the two of you. Why should we add to that?”
“Because you obviously need us, and we won’t leave our friends behind.” Astrid turns to Thea. “Let them come with us. You know they won’t be safe any other way.”
“Don’t ask me to leave Vin behind,” I add, “because that’s something I’ll never do.”
Does she understand? Before I can guage her expression, she walks away to join the other Aletheians. They debate our ultimatum in hushed tones, taking what feels like an hour to reach a consensus. Finally, Thea and Cael return.
“We respect your concern,” Thea says, “but taking your friends is too big a risk. If one of them warns Gant, we won’t make it out of York alive.”
Astrid crosses her arms. “Doesn’t matter. We’re not going anywhere without them.” For once, I love her stubbornness.
Thea thins her lips. “Yes. I can see you won’t.”
She eyes Cael, who nods and moves toward us. He reaches into his cloak again, this time pulling out a small disk, which he gives to Astrid. Then he turns to me and hands me a flat rectangular device that’s about the size of my palm.
“This is an RTC scanner, Wil.”
He shows me how to operate the device, pressing a thumbprint button to activate the screen. “Green is good. That means there’s no incoming signal from the satellites. When the screen turns yellow, you’re getting a weak signal. When that happens, this readout…” – he points to the number ‘999” at the bottom right corner of the screen – “will start counting down until you’re in transmission range. When it gets down to fifty, assume your chips are live. Red means your chip is receiving and transmitting loud and clear.”
“Transmitting?” Astrid cuts in. “What kind of information are we talking about? Are you saying Gant can hear all our conversations?”
“The technology has its limits,” Cael reassures her. “The audio signal’s way too weak to reach Gant without a booster. He’ll have planted these in strategic locations like York Command, but the feed will be choppy in other places.”
“You mean there will be dead zones,” I say.
“Right, and we’ll use that to our advantage. He won’t suspect short periods of drop-off.”
“But how will we know when he’s listening in?” Astrid asks.
“With that.” Cael points to the RTC device in my hands. “Unless it shows green, assume Gant can hear everything.” His eyes dart to Astrid and away, like he’s reluctant to share more. “Then there’s the possibility he can tap directly into your visual cortex, Miss Blake. Our intel says the latest chips may already have this capability.”
“Un-fragging-believable.” Astrid fingers the base of her neck in disgust, like there’s a parasite burrowed inside.
“Actually,” Thea says, “It makes perfect sense. If Gant takes control, then every living soul in Neoden will carry a chip, from birth to death. We’ll all live and die under his watchful Eye. And you can be sure Guardians will be the first ones to get chipped.”
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
“Because Sifters can’t be read. Our minds are still free and beyond Gant’s control. Just by living, we’re a threat. We still get to make our own choices.” Her gaze shifts from me to Astrid. “Which is why you’re both here, isn’t it?”
When we say nothing, she smiles as if her point’s been made. “Soon, you’ll need to make another choice. That coin Cael just handed you…” She waits for Astrid to open her palm, showing a flash of metal.
“Press your thumb pad into the center of the disk and hold it there for ten seconds,” Cael instructs. “You’ll have to take off your glove first.” Amazingly, Astrid does as she’s told, holding her thumb in place until the device emits a crisp beep.
“Congratulations.” Cael flashes her a grin. “You just imprinted your first coin transmitter.”
Thea steps forward. “In two days, we’ll expect a decision. If you’re coming with us, hold your thumb against that coin until it beeps again. We’ll get the signal.”
“But how can we explain this to our friends without tipping off Gant?” I ask.
Cael nods. “Your chips can’t transmit through intense magnetic fields. The geothermal energy core that powers York Command just so happens to produce such a field. It’s located on Sub-level D. Stay within ten feet of the generator core and your chips should be blocked.”
Astrid bites her lower lip. “Should be?”
Cael’s smile widens to reveal large white teeth. Seriously, is everything about him oversized? “No promises, but I’m an engineer, if that helps.”
An engineer? I stare at him with my mouth half open, wondering what kind of story he has to tell. Clearly, I’ve misjudged this rebel. He’s much more than a muscle-bound Beta.
“That helps a little,” Astrid says, giving him a half-smile. Judging from Liv’s crabby expression, she’s noticed the attitude change.
“Once you send the signal,” Thea says, “someone named Rogue will come for you.”
“How will we know who this person is?” I ask.
“At first you won’t,” she answers cryptically.
“But won’t Gant be able to track us with the Eye once we escape?” I clench my jaw, picturing his satellites of death raining fire down on us as we run for cover.
“Don’t worry.” She touches my shoulder, triggering a distant memory. She used to comfort me like this. Take away some of the pain. “We’ll take care of that.”
“But how?
“Leave that to us.”
Cael hands us his lantern, then points to a side tunnel. “About half a mile that way, you’ll find an exit to the surface. You entered the tunnel that way, Miss Blake. Tripped our motion sensors, which is how we knew you were coming.”
So that’s how Astrid and the Enforcers found me. There’s a more direct route down here. But that still doesn’t explain how she tracked me without my comm link. One more mystery to answer.
“You’ll come out by the ruins of a bridge that used to cross the frozen river,” Cael continues. “When you get there, it will already be nightfall, so don’t leave the shelter of the tunnel. Here…” He removes his cloak and hands it to Astrid. “The two of you can share that.”
“What about you?” she asks.
“I’m used to the cold.” He flashes her another smile. “When you get close to the surface, your mask transmitter will do the rest. York Command will send a rescue party as soon as they get the signal.”
“Just try not to freeze to death before they get there,” Liv adds sarcastically. She takes Cael’s hand to lead him away, and as I watch them dissolve into the darkness, an aftershock of loss ripples through me. This can’t be Liv. What happened to the girl with contagious laughter who used to nuzzle her nose against mine, then wrestle me into the sand? Maybe my stripped mind’s just playing tricks on me. Fabricating memories of a friend who never existed.
“Bye,” I murmur, swallowing Liv’s name before it reaches my lips. I need to accept the truth. Even if that girl existed, she’s gone now.
Maybe Thea senses my dark mood, because she gives me one more smile of reassurance before backing into the shadows. “Farewell until next time, Astrid and Wil. Remember, we’re not the enemy. And the two of you… you’re so much more important than you can imagine. That’s why we risked our lives to save you in Washton. That’s why we’re risking everything now.”
The hopeful way she says this – it sounds like she’s counting on us, and I’m suddenly not sure I’m up for that heavy responsibility.
Problem is, we don’t share the same priorities. Sure, I want to stop Gant, but there’s one thing I must do first. I doubt Thea will understand, and I know Liv and the others won’t, but none of that matters.
After we've escaped from York, I'm going to Ag Settlement Three to rescue my sister. Even if I have to fight my way free. Even if it means I’ll be going alone.
***
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Hi Gray,
I don't think you've shown too many of your cards. I think you've done a great job of setting up the next phase of the story...stopping Gant from taking over the world and every mind in it. Also, the challenge that faces Wil and Astrid about convincing their friends. I think the plot is good, the characters are believable and the dialogue is on the mark.
“Bye,” I murmur, swallowing Liv’s name before it reaches my lips. I have to accept the truth. Even if that girl existed, she’s gone now. ***I especially loved this line. I felt Wil's longing for the childhood friend he remembers.
For some, they may think Astrid changed sides too quickly, but I don't think so. I think she's already had feelings about why she ended up in York, even though I think she said she asked to be sent there. So, I think she's already had some doubts about what is happening. Could just be me.
Anyway, good chapter with nice forward movement and a nice hook at the end, setting up still another situation...getting Wil's sister.
Oh, my thirteen year old asked me to email her the rest of your story!! She told me this morning how much she likes it. So there...you already have a fan!!
~Ann
Aww, I'm all caught up again!
It's interesting to see the shift in dynamics here. Previously, the reader was sort of indoctrinated alongside Wil to believe that the Guardians are "The good guys." We've swallowed their chants and scripture just like him. Now, though, we see that there really are two sides to every story! You did this earlier, and I forgot to point it out, but I like how you referred to peeping as a "violation" of the mind, almost as if it's analogous to rape.
“That makes no sense,” I say, mind swimming. -> you might change the tags here. Something like, "That makes no sense." My mind's/mind is swimming.
It's cute that Wil instinctively tries to protect Astrid... even though he immediately thinks better of it, lol.
Astrid murmurs, suddenly [looking sheet-]pale -> just a suggestion, but you do have a lot of similes in rapid succession--in fact, most of the character actions are followed up by similes or metaphors in this section. Go through and see which ones you'd like to keep, and which could stand to be eliminated. You could simply save them for use later on. that's what I do! :-)
At first I wondered if Astrid changes her alliances too quickly or easily, given that all she's ever known, her entire worldview, has essentially been dismantled. But then again, it's plausible because Perrin invokes a tangible threat: the fact that even Astrid's powerful father won't be able to save them, and may be harmed himself. Plus, her skepticism increases later on when they try to get her to come to Aletheia. So, I do think this works. You'll have to see what other readers think!
lol! “Let’s cut through all the mystical crap"
Aww: “Don’t ask me to leave Vin behind,” I add, “because that’s something I’ll never do.” So bromantic.
But the disappearance of five? Gant will be alerted immediately. -> won't he be alerted immediately given that the two Guardians he's tracking have gone off the grid?
I like how you emphasize what a power-hungry creep Cillian is. This sealed the dea for me: "We'll all live and die under his watchful Eye."
Haha: "but I’m an engineer, if that helps"
Ooh-la-la: “The two of you can share that if you’re cold.”
Really like the verb here: and as I watch them dissolve into the darkness
I think this is a great chapter, Gray. Astrid and Wil are obviously stunned by al they've learned, but the reader isn't (or at least shouldn't be) because you've done such a comendable job laying the groundwork. Things are starting to come together. For example, the explosion in the beginning, and the extent of Gant's aspirations (or madness!). What I mean by all this isn't that your revelations are unsurprising--what I mean is they ARE surprising, and they don't come out of the freaking blue. Great work. :-) I look forward to more.
JLiz
Greetings, GM. Your story is continuing to draw my attention. Wil is slowly advancing up the ladder of maturity, but he's iscovering that the steps are slippery. Yes, you've shown a few of your cards, but enough of them are still hidden so I'm not going to call your hand. However, to continue the analogy, I'm going to suggest that you raise the stakes a little: bring in a new character or a new danger to spice things up.
Nits, Comments & Concerns:
>>“How dare you call us terrorists! You peepers are the terrorists!”
That's the great thing about life: there is always more than one side to a story.
>>“He’s using the Washton attack to justify the most brutal crackdown in Neoden’s history,” she explains, her tone turning smug. “Don’t you understand what’s happening? He’s grabbing power!”
"Power attracts the corruptible. Suspect all who seek it." - FRANK HERBERT, Chapterhouse: Dune
>>Without thinking, I lunge in front of Astrid to block his approach.
"True strength sometimes comes from the most unlikely places." - J. Michael Straczynski
>>When Gant takes control, none of us will be safe. He’ll make the oppression we’re living under right now look like utopia.”
This is quite typical. Throughout history, most of the bloodiest tyrants started out as reformers. From Robespierre in the French Revolution, to Lenin in Russia, to Saddam Hussein in Iraq.
>>“Aletheia was a city that waged a rebellion against the Great One. This happened right at the beginning. The Aletheians almost destroyed >>the Sacred Vision before it could take root. The Great One punished them by razing their city to the ground.”
Of course, that is the Guardian's version of the story, and it is told in such a formalized phrases--ritualistic, actually--it is, to my mind, suspect. Far more likely is that Aletheia was a group name, perhaps even the name of the leader of the movement which fought against the Founders.
>>We may not even make it out of York.”
Which means that York is not their primary base. This actually surprises me, because I had pegged York as the Aletheian base of operations. While a polar region is inhospitable, it does offer certain advantages .First of all, desolation. Since no one goes there willingly, and the Guardian center is so poorly run, then it would be an ideal meeting place for dissidents. Furthermore, as I stated in another review, the old city could be upgraded fairly easily. With a proper infusion of modern technology, it might even become quite livable.
>>Astrid turns pale again. “This is freaking unbelievable,” she mutters.
Actually, it states just how paranoid Gant really is, and it is a measuring stick of how few people he really trusts. Joseph Stalin's paranoia led to bloody purges, and the establishment of the Gulag system which killed five times as many people as Hitler did. Gant has shown us that he fits the mold, and seems eager to break it.
>>Clearly, I’ve misjudged the guy. He’s obviously much more than a muscle-bound beta.
Stereotyping people is the worst error that a person can make. As a tall, muscle-bound giant I am always mistaken for being a violent person. In fact, I've not thrown a punch in anger in thirty years.
Lawrence
Hey Gray,
I like this turn a lot, but I have to say it was too easy for Astrid to accept. I think she needs more proof if only Wil saying he saw what grant did, or relaying some information. Astrid’s smart, but she’s indoctrinated and it’s going to take more to convince her than a dimple at the base of her neck. Other than that, I think this flowed smoothly and you’re setting us up for a sweet extraction scenario in a few chapters! WOOHOO!
Bimmy
Hey, GM - Great chapter! We've found out some very interesting things here, and the plot has certainly moved forward. Unless you're planning another twist, I think the sides and motives in the conflict have been established, and your cards do have to be put on the table eventually. So I see no problem there - especially in a Chapter 21. And there still remains the enigmna of Liv.
Do have one question. Without checking Astrid's chip with the RTC sensor, how do Perrin and her people know the chip isn't currently transmitting? I would think that would be the first thing they would check in order to protect themselves. Or is this subterranean location safe from the prying devices? Later on you have them tell Astrid and Wil to seek out the core of the energy source to keep them protected from Gant's eyes, implying that was the only way they could remain secret. So are there actually two havens: the energy core and deep underground?
One sentence I considered a nit:
- "I [hope] (wish) [you're] (you were) right." {Since Perrin is convinced of Gant's plan, I don't think she'd speak as though she might be wrong about it.}
Good stuff!
Take care,
Jack
So good to have the answers! I thought you laid things out nicely here through your dialogue. Glad they won't abandon Vin. I wonder why Wil didn't spill some of what he knew about Gant while he had the chance. Maybe he still doesn't trust the Altheians. Anyway, didn't see any nits. Great hook - can't wait to see what happens!
Oh, man, it's good to be back. Love the chapter. I have to tell you, I always thought Liv was working with the REAL good guys. Anyone working for Gant has got to be evil or manipulated. I am surprised to see Astrid hold out this long though. I really thought she was one of the good guys and maybe even another love interest for Wil--was hoping for Liv, but you shot that all to hell in this chapter. LOL Your action scenes are most excellent. I especially enjoyed the section where Astrid was going to fly into the vermin and Wil sensed it. Very tense - very well written.
Now the BIG issues is - who or what exactly are the 'The Forbiden' and why? And is Wil one? Because he has always seemed special to me. Is he related to Perrin?
As always, more answers, yet more questions. And not a single issue.
Well done. So happy you are back on this.
Susan
The opening conversation here... about which side is the bad guys... makes me extra certain that this story doesn't (absolutely) need Cillian Gant's POV. Right now it's a dead argument... they're arguing about weather the sky is blue. If you really wanna make this pop, convince me that the utopia might be a good thing. The downside to doing the good utopia is that I'll hate Liv for breaking it (I never did like Q's interruptions in Star Trek tng even if he had mankind's freedom of choice in mind)
Liv asks if I’ve been following the news lately...
>This paragraph introduces Cillian's plan of using a self-planned attack to encourage more troops. I saw Senator Palpatine use this technique in Episodes 1 - 3. Unfortunately, Gant already enjoys absolute power. People like Wil & Astrid so thoroughly believe every thing he says, I can't see any opposition to making more Enforcers. Unlike Palpatine who was answerable to a (ineffective) political structure, Gant can just do anything. Even if such a council existed, he could chip the senators and collect bribable offenses on them since he posesses a technology no one else has. I'll come back to this idea...
Would Gant kill fifty Guardians if that’s what it took to gain power?
>Now here's the dilema of the previous thought. Grant already has the power. Why be president when you can be the guy behind the scenes making the president dance?
I glance over my shoulder at the empty space where Astrid stood just five seconds ago. She’s already slipped past me.
>Oh, Wil! >.<
The monster actually enjoys this
>Here's an interesting conversion point where Wil effectively becomes a terrorist
When I place a soft hand on her arm
>(Ahnold voice) Leetle girlymahn with sohft hands, we gonna pump you up!
JElizabeth says: "...we see that there really are two sides to every story..."
>Disagreed. There has only been one side since like chapter 5. I think this is a good thing, but it may not be what you're going for
The invitation of the friends seems ... hmm... friendly. I understand it's necessary for the story to take place, but it's very convenient. If your target market is YA, this is not a problem. If your target market is > YA, a more (world-realistic/modern) result would be the friends get captured when the terrorists display previously unseen coordination and storm the Allied base, killing everyone inside exceot a few that Wil&Astrid beg for. Just some random thoughts
-K
Nothing with showing your cards halfway through a novel. The reader should already be hooked by then, and if you drag it out any longer, you might annoy them. This is a logical place to do it. Plus, the Aletheiens could just be lying.
This chapter also finalizes my opinion on the Gant POV chapters. You don't need them.
I do think you have some problems in how you do the reveal though, starting with this paragraph:
<“That makes no sense,” I say. “The Prime Enforcer used to be Chief Guardian. Why would he kill his own students?”>
Maybe it's just me, but I was getting the impression Wil was already suspecting Gant was up to no good in the previous chapters, and it seems to me at this reveal, he would not be defending him, but suddenly realizing it all makes sense - why he wants Astrid captured, things like that. The dialogue you've attributed to Wil would work better with Astrid in the previous paragraph, in my opinion.
Also, in the following part, when the Aletheiens show the tracker in Astrid, this seems like the perfect spot for Wil to come clean with her about what he knows - that Gant ordered him to let the Aletheiens capture her, that he knows Gant put the chip in her head, that he saw Gant kill someone with a similar chip. He's been holding back for a long time now, he must be ready to burst, and this seems like a really appropriate place to do it. Astrid might hate him, or trust him more.
I think that information would make Astrid's later statement:
<I’m about call her name when she speaks, voice strong and steady: “He won’t get away with this.” She turns to Perrin. “Will you help us to stop him?”>
even more realistic, because now she has confirmation from someone she's starting to trust - Wil.
I like that Astrid suggested getting their friends, and Wil backed her up. That seemed verey in character for them.
Hi Gray,
I think you needed this reveal, just where it is. I was expecting it, because there have been so many blowups and near death experiences by now that Wil needs to know what is going on. And he's smart, as soon as he sees that Perrin is behind it, he'd have to know that these guys may be the good guys. Especially since he already doesn't like or trust Gant. I love the way you keep Wils POV going throughout the dialogues, we keep remembering who he is and where is stands on all this, for instance, I loved the line about Cael's teeth. It's funny that he'd think of that in middle of the drama unfolding. And the way you describe the dynamic between him and Astrid, as well as Liv's jealous reaction. Keeps it all very real and grounded in the moment. I especially liked how Wil tried to defend Astrid by standinp up the hunk, and Astrid just walked out from behind him. Very cute.
As for the story line, I like like like that you didn't make the Aletheians responsible for blowing up Washton, it's way better that its Gant. And of course, they have to get their friends, (Tho I wonder how Ferroe will respond). And I guess Wil and Astrid are seeing the urgency of the situation, as Gant is running out of control.
I agree with Don's review. I felt uncomfortable that Wil didn't just come out and tell Astrid that he knew about the chip. He could/might reveal it now, explaining how it's all making sense what they're saying, based on how Gant had been behaving with him.
You say that Perrin tells Wil and Astrid that they're vital to the mission. I'm still not understanding that piece..why them? (other than that they're cute, we like them, etc...I am not yet getting what their particular gifts, or combination of gifts, are.
But I figure I'll find out.
Simi
Anywa
You did show some of your cards, as you said, but not all of them. We still don’t know the connection between Wil and Perrin which triggered his recruitment and we don’t know why she’s sure Astrid will be pivotal in the success of the plan, only that there is a plan. And the chapter was clearly not a bust. I didn’t find and nit or word choices to point out. The one suggestion below is a minor writing suggestion to strengthen a strong chapter. I hope it’s helpful. R.M.
{Does Perrin understand?} Loyalty once gained is very strong in Wil and Astrid. Perrin can read that loyalty, and the other Aletheians must know that. Remember the rule that the one eyed man is king in the land of the blind. Their decision will turn on their trust in her, but you don’t see it because you don’t show her as the center of the discussion. The discussion would be mostly questions and answers, with Perrin answering questions, not about Wil and Astrid, but her ability to read the others. Show that an the reader will instinctively understand what now looks like an argument is, in fact, a discussion of her knowledge about the two, like doctors consulting.
Hey Gray, it's still Wednesday, and I'm doing better; it's been nearly four hours since I read a Founders chapter.
Gotta hand it to Wil, he's one tough 16 year old boy, always planning ahead. And now he'd going to take me to the Pioneers to rescue his sister.
Liked the false flag premise...some things never change, even after 3000 years;)
I'd like to check you for any RTCs--that's remote tracking chips. Wouldn't she know what RTCs are?
He had to kneed to scan her head. *just how tall is Cael that he has to kneel to swipe her head? LOL
I'm about (to) call her name when she speaks...
BUt they're not!--" Live starts...
BUt they're not--!" Liv starts... * I put the exclamation mark after the dashes so it doesn't look like she had finished speaking when she was interrupted.
Since Astrid has been chipped, I assume the Eye cannot pick up her signal this far underground. You might remind us of that here.
..then wrestle me into/on the sand.
*It's good to know there will be a sequel, cause at the rate I'm going, I'll be through reading this novel in a few days...or a few hours. Take care, it's been a blast. later gater
Hello, Gray. Well, well. So...Perrin apparently is not evil. And I'm following the reasoning of the Aletheains; it seems quite logical. Yes, Gant wants to establish a great coup. Somewhat like Lucifer/Satan when his pride smoked his mind. Yep, pride...
Hope Wil can rescue his sister AND get to his friends. MOST of all, I hope that soon enough, Gant takes the Big Fall...
Masterful job of plotting, visualizing, developing the characters, and of refining, Gray!! More than masterful, actually...
CHEERS!!
Mike
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Most historians think Hitler / his thugs burned down the Reichstag so they could blame the "attack" on the enemies of the state (i.e. Communists and Jews). That also spelled the end of weak democratic rule in Germany, giving the Nazis an excuse to seize power, so this was the inspiration behind the "terrorist attack" on Washton. Hope that makes sense... Gray:)
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Ann Everett