13.
Deployment
Help me!
Liv’s screams fill me with dread.
She sounds like she’s in agony. Horrific, nerve-shredding agony.
Hot asphalt burns my feet, but the pain barely registers because now I can see her. She’s struggling with two faceless Enforcers, each tugging on an arm as if they’re trying to tear her apart.
I need to run faster. To close the gap between us.
Please, Wil!
She begs me to save her, but the bus is still too far away. Now they’re dragging her through the door, which slams shut behind her. The engine coughs to life.
No! You can’t take her!
I surge forward, catching the bus as it pulls away from the curb, and my fingers hook around the door. Fighting in vain to pry it open.
The bus accelerates, dragging me with it, but I refuse to let go. When I jump up and press my face to the window, a girl peers out at me, but she’s no longer Liv. She’s my sister, her pretty face twisted in pain.
Smoke rises from her seat.
No, it’s seeping through her skin. Coming from inside her!
As I watch in horror, she opens her mouth to scream and bursts into flames, flesh blackening and peeling away like burnt paper. Consumed until nothing remains but bone.
A charred skull, still staring at me with those haunting blue eyes.
“Wil!”
Vin’s resonant voice pulls me out of my nightmare.
“Come on!” He shakes my shoulders. “Wake up already!”
I blink up at him, slowly coming out of my fog.
“You okay?” he asks, brow furrowed. “You were really starting to freak me out.”
“Yeah. Where are we?” I look around to get my bearings. We’re in a Silver Wing, seated in the middle of the cabin. Surrounded by rows of brawny Enforcers, all menacing in their gray and white battle gear.
“Hello? Deployment? Does that ring a bell? We’re flying over the Northern Territory. Just started our approach to York.”
“Right. How long have I been out?”
“’Bout an hour.” He rolls his eyes toward the nearest row of Enforcers. “Can’t say you missed much.”
All at once, the details of the past week come rushing in. Cillian Gant and the horror of the Eye. The sister I never knew existed, now in terrible danger thanks to me. My deal with the devil.
No wonder I’m having nightmares.
My thoughts shift to Assignments and the hike to Academy Peak. Astrid leading me to the top of the wind turbine. Our argument, followed by that death-defying leap. The arrogant way she greeted me back at the GA, arms crossed and eyebrows arched as if to say: do you trust me now?
I flush from the memory, feeling like a fool all over again. What was I expecting? A congratulatory pat on the back? Respect? Acceptance? Friendship? As if Princess Astrid would ever offer me any of these.
I scan the cabin, suddenly itching to confront her. She’s seated up front with Brenne and Ferro, back turned so she’s literally giving me the cold shoulder. Which is pretty much the way it’s been since I admitted I didn’t trust her.
Sadly, we’re back to square one.
One thing has changed though: Vin’s budding relationship with Brenne. Right now, she’s glancing over her shoulder to give him a cute smile.
“Hmmm. Interesting.” I nudge him. “You and Brenne, huh?”
“Not yet.” He waves at her. “But there’s definitely potential.”
“How’s her ankle?”
He matches my grin. “Perfect as the rest of her. You’d never know she sprained it just a few days ago.”
“Fast healer,” I say. From what Vin told me, Brenne only limped during the easiest parts of their descent from Academy Peak. Maybe she really did twist her ankle. Then again, maybe Astrid just needed an excuse to get me alone.
“Have you two been making baby eyes for the whole flight?” I ask.
“Nope.” Vin beams. “She napped for an hour.”
“And you’re still sitting with me because…?”
“Because if I go up there, Fahrenheit will probably say something stupid, and you know where that’ll go.”
“Maybe, but you shouldn’t let him keep you away.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that.” He chuckles. “Just figured this isn’t the best place to start a fist fight.”
I follow his gaze to the rows of grim-faced Enforcers, seeing his point. Technically, they’re here to protect us. These are the reinforcements that will accompany us on foot patrol through York. Still, there’s something chilling about them. I’ve never seen Enforcers so heavily armed. In addition to the standard-issue lightning sticks and slicers, some carry bulky pulse launchers and blast shields. This doesn’t look like a peacekeeping force. It looks more like an invading army.
What in flames and ashes is happening in York?
“Looks like we’re going to war.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “Have you tried sifting any of them?”
“Nah.” Vin shrugs. “Not much point.”
I close my eyes to see if he’s right.
Nothing. Not even an aura.
I shouldn’t be surprised. Sifting an Enforcer is like trying to sift a brick wall. As young children, they’re identified for their special aptitudes – traits like strong beta dominance, obedience, fast reflexes, and physical strength –and shipped off to Enforcer Training Camp. I guess some may enter with personalities, but they all come out the same way: soulless.
My ears throb, letting me know we’ve started our descent.
Responding to some invisible cue, the Enforcers start gathering their combat gear. They move in silent synchrony, like a flock of birds – if birds wore heavy armor and looked like they wanted to crack your skull open.
The Silver Wing banks to the right, bucking with sudden turbulence, and I hear a high-pitched whistling noise outside. I cross the aisle to peer out one of the cabin windows just in time to catch a pair of cerulean wings, peeling away in perfect unison. Fighter jets, escorting us on our final approach to York.
Vin leans over my shoulder, whistling in awe. “Blue Wings. I heard those babies can torch a city block in the time it takes to tie your shoelaces.”
“But why are they here?” I ask, my mind already racing though the possibilities.
Vin shrugs. “Don’t know. Protection?”
“From what? The terrorists aren’t sophisticated enough to shoot us down, right?”
My question hangs in the air as we both consider that possibility. A few weeks ago, the answer would have been an obvious no, but that was before the highly coordinated Washton attack.
Maybe they are.
As the words reach my lips, our Silver Wing shudders, and – crack! – dips violently. I’m about to ask Vin what happened when we both notice the smoke. Plumes of black smoke, billowing up through the floor. A split second later, the emergency alarm blares, flashing red lights washing through the cabin.
The Enforcers spring to action around us, securing their harnesses and equipment with cool efficiency.
Don’t they realize we’re going down?
Vin grabs my arm, yelling that we have to get back to our seats just as the plane drops hard, bouncing us from ceiling to floor. The jolt stuns me, but I’m back on my feet in seconds. So is Vin.
“Here!” he cries, pulling me into the nearest vacant seat. “Crash position!”
I lunge for the harness, buckle clicking into place just as the plane starts to freefall. Unsecured bodies and equipment fly through the cabin, tumbling past us like debris in a windstorm.
One second. Two seconds.
An Enforcer grunts as he slams into the overhead compartment above me.
Three seconds.
His neck snaps backward.
Four seconds. Five seconds.
And his limp body spirals away.
I hold my breath, waiting for the sickening plunge to end, but it just keeps going, getting steeper and faster. Ten seconds and we’re still dropping, my harness sucking me down like an anchor. Suddenly, the engines roar back to life.
Are we leveling out?
Maybe, but it’s too late.
Impact can’t be more than seconds away.
Will it hurt? Or will death be instantaneous?
The plane dips hard to the right, showing me a flash of water, then broken white. Sea ice. We’re close to land.
“Vin!” I jerk toward my best friend, hoarsely crying out his name. There’s so much to say, but all that comes out are two desperate words: “I’m sorry.”
I doubt he heard me above the revving mag drives, but he still gives me a reassuring nod.
And that’s the image I carry with me as I duck forward and close my eyes.
Bracing for impact…
At first, the touchdown feels just like our hard landing in Washton – dip, shudder, bounce. But then we nose-dive, hitting the ice with an earsplitting crunch.
I’m thrown forward with impossible speed, slamming into the seatback, but something rushes up to engulf me. Softening the impact, even as it knocks the wind out of me.
Invisible hands jerk me back, trying to tear me away, but the seatback wraps around my body like a python constricting around its prey. Suffocating me. I gasp for air, struggling to break free, but it’s useless. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Can’t breathe.
Time expands, losing meaning. Seconds. Minutes. Years.
Now I’m weightless. Floating in space.
So this is what it feels like to die.
Not so bad.
Pitch black slowly brightens to gray, then diffuse white – like staring at the sun through fog. Are my eyes still closed? It’s impossible to tell. My senses have shut down.
But then I hear something.
A buzzing in my ears, slowly building. Muffled sounds of chaos.
The crunch of shattered steel.
Distant screams. Groans.
Is this hell?
As if in answer, something tugs on my arm, trying to rip me from my protective bubble.
No! I don’t want to go!
I swat away my attacker, but he only grows more insistent. Now I hear his voice, taunting me – leave me alone! – but he won’t stop. Won’t stop nagging.
“Wil! Wil!”
Vin?
The cocoon around me slackens, like a deflating lung.
An air sphere! It must have deployed from the seatback in front of me on impact.
Which means I’m still alive.
“Wil!” Firm hands grasp my shoulders, hauling me to my feet as time rushes forward to the present. “Are you hurt?”
“No.” I blink up at Vin. “Don’t think so. You?”
He checks himself for injuries, frowning in surprise. Amazingly, we’re both still alive. Nothing major seems broken.
Can’t say the same for the Silver Wing. Wires stream from gaping holes in the ceiling above us, and the damage looks even worse toward the front of the cabin. Debris and bodies are strewn everywhere, cluttering the smoke-filled aisle.
Behind us, Enforcers move toward the rear of the cabin, some limping and others carrying the wounded. From their calm demeanors, you’d think they were on a routine training drill. One kneels to trigger open the emergency exit.
“They’re blowing the lock!” Vin yells, seconds before an explosion rattles the cabin. Cold air rushes in through the breach, sharpening my senses.
Reminding me of Astrid and the others.
“Vin!” I cock my head toward the front of the cabin. “We’ve gotta get up there! They may be trapped.”
He nods tersely, following me into the thickening smoke.
With all the Enforcers pressing toward the rear airlock, it’s like trying to buck a stampede. We squeeze into an empty row, scrambling over the seat tops, taking advantage of the fact that the cabin is now sloping downward.
In horror, I realize why. The ice must have cracked beneath us. We’re sinking, nose first!
I cough out a warning, choking on smoke.
That’s when I see Astrid and Brenne, just a few rows ahead. They’re hunched over something on the ground, struggling to move it. Even through the smoke, I can tell that the airframe above them looks strange – all buckled and warped. Part of the ceiling has collapsed, spilling debris and wiring downward. Trapping someone.
Ferro.
When we reach them, I see he’s pinned beneath the collapsed metal frame of an overhead compartment. Brenne crouches beside him, blood-spattered and looking dazed.
Astrid shoots us a panicked look. “We can’t move it!”
Vin and I squeeze past her, grabbing the debris and pulling. Nothing! It must be wedged.
“It’s stuck!” I whip around to Astrid. “Take Brenne and get out of here! There’s a way out through the rear exit!”
She grabs hold of the strut that’s pinning her boyfriend. “We’re not leaving!”
“Yes you are!” I jerk my chin to Brenne. “She’s hurt! She won’t make it without your help! You need to go, now!”
Her eyes dart between us, torn.
“We won’t leave him!” I promise. “Now go!”
Before she can protest, I shove her and Brenne into the aisle, where they’re swept up by the current of evacuating Enforcers. Then I turn back to Vin, shouting that we’ve only got seconds to do this.
He’s moving before I can finish the thought, ramming his shoulder into the seat. Simultaneously, I throw all my weight against the debris, somehow managing to pry it loose. Ferro yelps in protest, but at least he’s free now. I prop him up to keep the weight off his injured leg.
“Can you walk?”
He answers me with a scowl, but as soon as he tries to stand, his face knots up. When I offer him a hand, he swats it away.
“I’ll do it myself!” he hisses, limping into the aisle, but there’s no way he’ll make it. The cabin’s already tilting so steeply that we’ll need to climb our way out. Rushing water gurgles from the nose of the plane. If the front bulkhead isn’t watertight, we’ll be drowning in ice water in seconds.
No time to debate the next move. Vin and I each take an arm, hoisting Ferro and then dragging him up the aisle. It takes only a few steps to realize we won’t make it anywhere near the rear exit. The gradient’s too steep. We may as well be trying to haul 150 pounds of dead weight up a ladder.
I glance down at the body of an Enforcer, noticing the weapon lodged beneath him.
A pulse launcher.
It’s a crazy idea. Suicidal, really. If this part of the hull is below the ice, we’ll only flood the cabin faster, speeding our death.
Then again, what other choice do we have?
We’re about mid-cabin now, a few rows from the wings. Unfortunately, the idiot who designed this rat-trap didn’t think of placing any emergency exits here. We’ll have to make our own.
“Vin!” I cock my head toward the launcher. “Ever fire one of those things?”
He follows my gaze, eyes widening. “You serious?”
“Why not? Nothing to lose, right?” I picture the Silver Wing in my mind, nose submerged beneath the ice. “The wings must be holding us above the water. Blow a hole over one and we might have a chance.”
“Right.” He clenches his jaw. “Let’s do it.”
Together, we pry the weapon loose. Damn, it’s heavy. “Loaded?” I ask as we hoist the barrel onto Vin’s broad shoulder.
“We’ll find out soon enough.”
“Check the safety!”
“Got it!”
“And point –” I tilt the launcher to give him a clear shot over the left wing. “That way!”
No time to prepare for the shockwave.
The barrel erupts, blowing us backward as it blasts a fiery hole through the airframe. Sunlight and arctic air rush in through the breach, which looks just wide enough to squeeze through, one person at a time.
No. Fragging. Way. We may have just blown out our eardrums, but it actually worked!
Vin lets out a muted whoop and slaps me on the back, but we don’t have time to celebrate. Metal groans and scrapes against ice and – crraack! – the cabin pitches hard to the right.
The wing on the other side just broke through the ice.
“Move!” I yell, shoving Ferro toward the blast hole. He crawls over the seats and through the opening, screaming when his leg catches against a jagged piece of metal.
Vin rolls his eyes at me. “Damn it, Fahrenheit! Move!”
When Ferro is finally out and scrambling onto the wing, I wave Vin forward but he shakes me off.
“I don’t think so! Ladies first!”
“Not happening!” I grab his shirt and fling him toward the exit. “Someone’s gotta be here to push your sorry ass through that opening when you get stuck!”
He tries to stare me down, but I won’t give in. “I’ll be right behind you!”
“You’d better be.” He grunts before turning and crawling his way to the opening. He’s halfway through when something cracks like a firewhip behind me.
The front bulkhead! I spin around just in time to see it give way, releasing a torrent of ice water. I gasp as the wave hits, sucking my breath away. It numbs on contact, washing my legs out from under me. Sweeping me away from the blast hole.
I thrash my arms, fighting through the rising water. If I freeze up, even for a second, I won’t make it to the opening. I grab onto a seatback, using it to propel me forward.
Two rows to the exit.
Now just one.
One chance to escape this flooded tomb.
Muscles stretched taut, I launch myself into the sunlight.
*****
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
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Woot! Woot!
This was such an exciting chapter. You did a fantastic job creating the tension and urgency of the escape. I rarely do this, but when I read something so exciting I start skipping sentences because I can’t read fast enough. I did this on this chapter so you did a fantastic job of this action scene. IMO
They move in silent synchrony, like a flock of birds – if birds wore heavy armor and looked like they wanted to crack your skull open. – love this line.
Bimmy
Hi Gray,
This is an absolutely wonderful chapter. Talk about action and tension...whoa, you've got it. There may have been nits...or not. I don't know. I was too caught up in the rescue and escape. So, to answer your questions...yes, the pace was great and the scene flows...or should I say rushes, just like the water coming into the cabin!! Kept me on the edge of my seat.
~Ann
Hi, Gray! :0)
"each tugging on an arm"... tempted to replace "tugging" with a stronger word. I tug my friend's arm when I'm trying to get her attention--I want to pull it out, I might yank or jerk. Probably yank? Haul? I like how the dream recreates the prologue and reminds the reader of it.
Great description of flesh peeling like burnt paper.
"I follow his gaze"... some nice foreshadowing here.
Great action sequence with Wil counting the seconds. A clever way to keep things moving.
like staring at the sun [through fog]... the fog part felt a bit tacked on. I think the staring at the sun line is wonderfully descriptive on its own.
This is an excellent chapter, Gray. Very strong and compelling. A lot of writers fall into the trap of writing "passive" characters--ones who have things happen to them, rather than cause things to happen. Wil is definitely not a passive character! He takes initiative, even if he knows it could be dangerous, and had a great heart/moral compass. (For example, he and Vin try their hardest to save Farroe even though the guy's been nothing but a total jackass to them from the start.) I really like your use of fragmented sentences to convey action and momentum, but you'll have to watch to make sure you don't overdo it. I don't think you have to change the writing itself, just the line spacing. Here: "Suffocating me" when the plane crashes, if you just bumped some fragments onto the same line I think you could alleviate the sense of choppiness I got as I read it. But of course, that was just my impression as I read! And the lines themsleves were great. You did an excellent job of invoking different senses here, too--I loved the hum of the pressurized cabin in Wil's ears and the feel of icy water. Nice work!
JLiz
Hi, GM. This was very exciting, and well-written. The dream-sequence at the beginning was a bit predictable, but the rest of the chapter more than made up for that. What was striking about this chapter was Astrid's almost complete absence. This was good, though, as up to now she has had a center position in the story.
Nits, Comments & concerns:
>>“So…” I nudge him. “You and Brenne, huh?”
If all these cadets are descendants of the founders, doesn’t that make these relationships more than a little incestuous?
>>I’ve never seen Enforcers so heavily armed. In addition to the standard-issue lightning sticks and slicers, some >>carry bulky rocket launchers and blast shields.
The “terrorist attack” gives them the excuse to increase their standard armaments. That being the case, the most likely target for the terrorists would not be the Enforcers themselves, but their armament factories.
>>I guess some may enter with personalities, but they all come out the same way: soulless.
This implies that the Enforcers undergo some form of TP (telepathy) dampening or shielding training. Such training or surgical enhancement would give them a tremendous advantage in battle.
>>“I heard those babies can torch a city block in the time it takes to tie your shoelaces.”
So, napalm is still in use? Not surprising, as it is extremely effective and almost impossible to put out.
>>“We’re not leaving!” She snaps.
The tag ‘she’ need not be capitalized.
Lawrence
Hey, graymartin - An action-packed, riveting chapter! Yes, the action flows extremely well. Only one place of confusion for me: Once I've hauled him out of the water, I turn my attention... {Faroe was being pulled by Vin, who was behind Wil, is the way I saw it; so Wil being able to grab Faroe's arm to pull him out of the water seemed off. And then what happens to Vin after Faroe is pulled up by Wil? Still making his way toward the blast hole? We don't see that through Wil's eyes. Yet he must have been okay, since Wil doesn't know whose grunts he hears behind him.
- We're in an air transport, probably another Silver Wing. {Wil, presumably, wasn't asleep when they boarded, so he would know if the plane were a Silver Wing or not, no?}
- ...we're still dropping, my seat sucking me down like an anchor. {If they're in freefall, there would be an opposite effect, I would think - his harness preventing him from rising out of his seat.}
- They're hunched over something on the [ground] (floor), struggling to move it.
So the rebels have antiaircraft capability, it seems, and the fighter escort was there for a reason. The plot really advances with this chapter! Now if only Faroe makes it, Astrid might see Wil as a hero. And Vin - he's gotta survive, right? Great chapter, GM.
Take care,
Jack
Your dream sequences depict nightmares very well! And great crash scene. What a way to start the deployment!
Nits: ...seated in the middle of the cabin[. Surrounded] by... (cabin, surrounded by...). There are several direct inner thoughts that should maybe be italicized here.
Otherwise - more great writing. Love the crack your skull open line. I like that you infuse humor with your big brother type creepy stuff. Makes a good read!
Man, Gray, you slipped right out of that dream and into Wil's real world without a hiccup. Excellent. Wow! What a fast paced, action packed, tension mounting chapter! A major chapter turning ending too. I hop all three make it out of the aircraft. I'm guessing they will because Farroe needs to be put in his place if these two teams are going to work together. ...Unless they are not, and it's all about Astrid doubting Wil even more. Whatever - I want to find out. Your action is so damn good, I followed every move, vivid visuals, great timing. Not one single thing to pick at...AGAIN! LOLOL Be back for more real soon.
Susan
Friendship? As if Princess Astrid would ever offer me any of these.
>Gross. Why does he want them? I'm still hoping for the spitballs.
Haha I like how the enforcers all head for the exit and leave behind hte people htey're supposed to be protecting. That was a nice touch.
I've had to do a few mental revisions of this place they're evacuating. At first, I pictured like a dozen enforcers. Now it feels like 100. The room seemed like one unit before... now it feels like a plane with separate cabins, one or two aisles, and door(s) far apart. I kinda had it more like ten-forward until now.
I also thought there were plenteous windows because they describe outside quite a bit during the flight, but now Wil's unsure if they're underwater.
The rocket launcher recoiled a bit much... there's a reason a synonym for rocket launcher is "recoilless rifle". They have decent kickback to balance them... In fact, they can't be safely fired above a certain angle because the blast might injure the operator (something I'd expect to be a problem within the close confines of a plane). Sorry about such a pedantic nit... but I'm good at those. Okay, a quick google tells me they do have recoil, especially heavy rocket launchers. Interesting.
Second, Wil's escape route sounds unusable to me. I'll try to diagram what I see in the forums. Then you'll see if I'm picturing what I should be. This won't be pretty lol.
-K
Hi again,
Fantastic. Loved the scene of the plane (Or whatever it is), going down. And you can't tell me that isn't a common nightmare, I know it's one of mine).
Pacing is excellent, love the slight foreshadowing, the question, could the terrorists be strong enough to take them down, just seconds before it happens. Almost like JAWS music in the background. Excellent.
And this paragraph:"Responding to some invisible cue, the Enforcers start gathering their combat gear. They move in silent synchrony, like a flock of birds – if birds wore heavy armor and looked like they wanted to crack your skull open."
Perfect. Like a flock of birds, so idyllic, except...they want to crack your head open. Perfect juxtaposition...and great writing, making for great reading.
And they get to rescue Ferreo? Now he's really gonna sulk.
Just, just, and maybe it's me...I was slightly disappointed that Astrid and Brenne left. I understand it, and it's probably exactly how it would play out, but I'd love to see them more involved. Girl power, you know? So what if, maybe, you have them leave and the boys go about getting Ferroe out, but after the blast or something...maybe the girls shoot the rocket launcher, from up ahead, and Vin and Wil realize what they've done for them? I just don't want them to disappear...they're all peers. Then the five of them come out together ... and Ferroe is even more humiliated coz he's the weak link? Just a thought...
A very exciting, action packed chapter. I do have some concerns about the crash and some of the actions. Just thoughts, but thing you might want to consider in the revision.
I can't believe crash packs would be in an overhead compartment so that the passengers would have to unbuckle their harnesses. I'd think they would be under the seats. That's more logical - somewhere within arms reach. And, why have the crash pack deploy from the crash pack and not the seat in front? Again, not logical, considering advancement of technology from our current automobiles. Also, why the need to blow the emergency exit? These are already designed to survive impact with charges to open. I find it unlikely they'd have to blow the lock to get out.
Finally, the bit with the rocket launcher and the blowing a hole through the fuselage. Having the resulting hole half in water and half out is almost the worst case scenario. The pressure of rushing water is almost impossible to fight. This is why in submerging cars you're told to role down the window and wait for the car to fill with water, then swim out or push the door open. while the pressure is equalizing, it is basically impossible to get out. I don't know if you watch "Mythbusters", but they did an episode on this.
I think it's a great scene; you just need to tweak a few of the details to make it a little closer to reality.
Hey Gray,
I'm not exactly clear on what the changes are, but this version reads very smoothly. The crash was vivid and clear, and I don't know if it's because of the changes, or if I'm benefiting from a second reading, but in any case, I could 'see' it. I also was more aware of why the girls left (and how). Again, this may have been clear in the first reading. I think I was so caught up in the story line the first time that I glossed over the details, needing to know what happened. (yes, it's that kind of engrossing storytelling). This time, I slowed down to read it all carefully. And it's even better the second time around.
Great stuff,
Simi
Hi Gray,
Well, as you know, I don't retain much info from one reading to the next, so I'm not sure what changed in this. All I know is it is action packed and moves at a fast pace...which it should given the circumstance of the scene. I was caught up in the action and that's what you wanted, so...yes, the flow is great.
I do remember liking this chapter the first time around and I still like it. You have some great descriptions in this.
Well done.
~Ann
There are a few things about the crash below and a few word choices. I hope they help. R. M.
{…her pretty face [all] twisted [up] in pain.} I don’t think the two dropped words add anything to the sentence impact.
{The arrogant way she greeted me back at the Academy,} This seems to imply she beat him back while the chapter led us to think he got back first.
You’re describing violent motion in freefall. That would require bucking and rolling of the plane. In freefall, everything falls at the same rate, so items would drift with the air currents, depending on their mass. The greater the mass, the more inertia to overcome.
{…getting steeper and faster.} Steeper it can get, but there’s no sense of acceleration unless the engines are still under full power. Everything is falling at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second, per second. (32 seconds squared). Without some very strong acceleration factor above the common rate of descent it would be unlikely somebody to strike hard enough to break their neck. Therefore, you should describe the screaming of the engines as the pilot fights for control. That would allow for the tumbling of things inside the plane.
{Are we leveling out?} this implies power being used, or that the controls are functioning, which would allow the pilot to use the plane’s acceleration to turn the nose up. I’d add more engine noise as it screamed in agony like a wounded animal.
{Suddenly, the engines roar back to life.} This has to happen first. Until then everything is falling at the same rate.
Hey Gray,
I could use The Eye this morning, so I could project these reviews to you in a nanosecond, and I could get back to your story.
Great action scene, dude. And Wil shows his moxie as a survivalist who doesn't shrink from doing what has to be done.
Respect" Acceptance? Friendship?
As if Princess Astrid would ever offer me any of these. *these' sounds off. I only came up with a cliche as a possible fix: As if Princess Astrid would ever throw me a bone.
Is this hell? *I wasn't aware that anyone believed in hell in Neoden.
We're not leaving," (s)he snaps.
Yes you are!" My eyes move to Brenne. "She's hurt. She won't make it without your help! *Wil shows his leadership, as well as his fortitude, in this scene.
..we'll only flood the cabin faster, speeding our death. * "speeding our death" sounds off. maybe: ..we'll only flood the cabin faster and ensure our death.
Loaded?" I ask as we hoist the barrel onto Vin's/his broad shoulder.
We'll find out soon enough." *this sounds like Vin's line, but whose line was this: Check the safety! It sounds like something Vin would ask, seeing how Wil is holding the weapon.
Dear:
What you answered me in my comments to the previous chapter is interesting. If Wil is an unreliable narrator in terms of his relationship towards the rest of the kids, I mean, if Wil and Vince feel that they have been ostracised because they are settlers and not founders, when they really haven't been ostracised, then you need to present situations where the reader realises so. Not openly, of course, because one of the charms of an unreliable narrator is that the reader is perpetually guessing whether she can trust the narrator or not until almost the end of the story when she discovers she can't.
For example, Farroe approaches in a friendly manner but Wil, through his narration, explains that Farroe is pretending, being friendly only because, for some reason, it's convenient for him to appear friendly (e.g. if Astrid asked him to be friendly to Wil). In reality, Farroe is actually being friendly, but a biased Wil is incapable, or doesn't want to, realise so.
At a certain point in the story, the reader will start considering whether Wil and Vince are actually despised or whether such despising is only in Wil's mind, thus showing Wil's biased--and unreliable--character/narration concerning this particular topic.
This chapter is very interesting and it advances the story a lot. I'm not sure yet, but I'm fearing another of Gant's prefab attacks where it seems the rebels did it, but in reality it was mastered from within the government. Is Gant trying to get rid of Astrid? Or is he trying to get rid of Wil and his threats and the idea of sending him to New York were only a facade? Interesting plot.
However, I would like to point that, at the beginning of the chapter, I had no idea what was going on. By the time Vince shouts "Wil!" (after the mentioning of the charred skull) I had already realised it was a dream, so everything seemed right. However, once again, I had not clue what was going on. At first I thought he was in his own bedroom, but lines later I read they were in a Silver Wing in the middle of the cabin. I started wondering which type of transportation mean could a Silver Wing be. The words "wing" and "cabin" should have hinted strongly enough that it was an airplane, but for some reason they didn't. It was until I read the following:
"My ears throb, letting me know we’ve started our descent"
when I realised it was a plane. It might be that I'm sorta retarded, but in case you may find some other readers as retarded as I, I would suggest you to grab these opportunities to do some world building. For example, if this were a steam punk novel, the writer would very fast describe a sort of Zeppelin (which would be the proper steam punk flying machine instead of an airplane) with sentences like:
"Wil looked upwards out of the window and feel dwarfed by the Zeppelin's massive balloon. He suddenly had the idea that the small cabin hanging from the Zeppelin--where they were travelling--may well detach and they would all fall to a certain dead."
In few words, now you have the idea they are travelling in a Zeppelin, not inside it but in a hanging cabin. See? World building part done! You don't need anything else. I would suggest you to do something similar but considering it's a plane. In that way, your reader would get the idea immediately.
Also, I had a very XXI century image of several jet fighters flying at their side (that's why I'm thinking that one of them might have fired and that the crash was orchestrated within the government by Gant). You may want to do some world building here too so the reader may picture your world and not a piece of a Top Gun Hollywood picture.
Kiss,
Gacela.
Well you know how to capture the reader and drag him threw hell.
Visually I had a hard time with the airbag, where is it, behind or in front of Wil. The nightmare was positive but I still need reremembering what he promised those men in his 24 hours of torture--the thing he wants to tell Vin. At least have him review it in his mind to help the reader. I think we need a body count in this ship before the crash. How many enforcers, how many psions being deployed. Would help in the visuals after the crash. But overall a suspensful chapter dragged out just right.
Author
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Thanks for sharing your take on this. Good point about the "body count" too. Will help with my revisions. Take care, Gray
So exciting, and it paints such a vivid picture of your main character. Of course we know Wil's going to get out (after all, the book is about him), but the chaos, the impresssions of things happening as the crash unfolds, are very well-done. Exciting entrance into their new assignment. Hope the snobby dude appreciates the help he just got. JP
Author
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Thanks for the encouraging words!
Hello, Gray. Two icy cold receptions...:-) Scheesh! That was a wicked crash! Very well described and paced with plenty of tension! Can't wait to see how they all rebound - no pun intended - after THAT...
In any case, it would seem Wil and Vin have gotten some points...Wil now might have almost as much "leverage" as Astrid, and I expect that doesn't cheer her.
Wonder what, exactly, happened/is happening, with Liv...
Awesome, Gray:-)
Peace,
Mike
Author
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Glad you enjoyed this scene, Mike. That kind of encouraging feedback really makes my day. As for Liv, she'll certainly be back. Later, Gray
No
bimmy