PART I
You will hold these Three Pillars to be all that was, is, and ever shall be true:
Strength through one shared heart.
Wisdom through one shared mind.
Freedom through one shared purpose.
Sacred Vision, Chapter 3, Verse 3
“The Three Pillars”
1.
Seeds (Prologue)
The image shimmers across the screen, like a reflection on moving water. Hazy sunlight. Ocean waves lapping at a child’s feet. Then a muffled cry, high-pitched and desperate.
“Come on, Liv! Stop hiding! I know you’re here!”
From her place on the observation deck, a young woman watches as the boy’s memory streams before her. He’s running now. Spinning to search the horizon. A whimper as the image blurs through tears.
“Liv! Where are you?”
The woman turns to a technician, who sits facing his glowing console. “Is this the same fragment?”
“Yes, Miss. Same one every time.”
“How many cycles?”
“Ten, and it’s still not fading.”
“Impossible.”
“See for yourself.” The tech mumbles his answer, avoiding eye contact. He’s learned to quiet his mind around Guardians, but this one’s impossible to ignore. Dark hair framing darker eyes. Rose petal lips. Flawless, caramel skin. If she’s reading him, she shows no outward sign. He may as well be invisible. She leans over him to study the control panel, petite frame brushing against his shoulder as she reaches for the monitor.
She points to a flat green tracing on the monitor, lips curving into what could be either a smile or a frown. “There’s no synaptic fade.”
“Correct. The frag’s as strong as it was on the first cycle.”
“Have you seen this before?”
The tech shakes his head. He’s never seen this kind of resistance, not even in a Sifter. After a stretch of silence, the woman walks to the glass partition to inspect the boy. He lies prone and motionless, secured with imaging coils looped around his head. In the pale blue light, he looks like a small animal being devoured by a metallic snake. His body twitches as the image of a girl flashes onto the screen above him. Green eyes blinking through a swirl of copper hair. Then a bubble of laughter.
“You’re watching a memory within a memory,” the tech explains. “He’s waiting for this girl to show but she never does.”
“Who is she?”
“Another Camp Rat. She just failed a screening and our kid over here…” The tech jabs a thumb toward the unconscious boy. “He’s about to find out. Watch closely. It’s about to get interesting.”
The screen darkens, then pulses yellow.
“He’s closing his eyes to find her aura. First color Sifter I’ve ever processed. Rarest type.” He lets out a nervous laugh. “But I don’t need to tell you that. What –?”
He turns to the Guardian, wanting to ask what sense she uses to read emotions, but thinks better of it when he sees her expression. No need for mind reading powers to catch the warning there.
“Um.” He swallows. “Most Sifters pick up auras within a hundred feet or so, but you need to be much closer to sift thoughts, right?”
When she ignores him, he tugs at his collar. “Well, this kid is different. Strongest Sifter I’ve ever seen. The girl’s half a mile away and he’s still sensing her fear clearly. And you won’t believe what he’s about to do. Here…” – He reaches for the console – “I’ll turn up the audio.”
*
The Guardian closes her eyes and focuses on the jumble of sounds, ignoring the tech’s babble. Good, she thinks. The boy’s filtering just like I taught him to do, starting with the loudest notes. The wailing of gulls overhead. The rhythmic ssssh of waves lapping sand. The whir of wind turbine blades, then the bee-hive buzz of the Camp’s generators. He’s peeling back the layers of noise, isolating and filtering until all that remains is silence.
Now, she thinks, let the softest sounds back in, one note at a time.
Silence, and then… a choked off sob. A girl’s voice, pleading through the darkness: “Don’t let them take me!”
“Take you where?” the boy’s mind cries out in response. “Liv! Where are you?”
There’s a new sound: the distant cough and rumble of old combustion engines.
The boy’s limbic feed jumps on the monitor – a red spike of panic marking the exact moment when he realizes…
“The screening! They’re taking her away!”
The monitor flares white as his eyes snap open, body already in motion and sprinting toward the sound. The image jerks past sand dunes. Through a scrub pine forest, then around a fence crowned with rusted blister wire. His bare feet strike shards of gravel, then sun-baked asphalt, but the pain barely registers because now he sees where the buses have assembled.
They’re lined up outside the girls’ dorm: a convoy, ready to deploy.
He surges forward, willing his legs to fly, but it’s too late. The buses still look like toys as the last one pulls away from the curb.
When the screen has faded to darkness, the Guardian turns back to the tech. “This is the only long-term fragment he’s retained?”
“Yes. Everything else wiped cleanly. Have you ever seen anything like that? I mean, he sifted through her thoughts, then reached her telepathically! From half a mile away!”
“You erased everything?” the Guardian demands, ignoring the question. “What about short-term memories?”
“Well, um, he still has those. Short-term frags are stored separately, in the hippocampus and temporal lobe. We only record and wash them right at the end of processing.”
“I know.” She pins him to his chair with one look. “But you’re not going to record them this time. You’re going to play them for me. Right now.”
“Um, that’s…” The tech tugs at his collar. “That’s not standard protocol, Miss. That would be a –”
Before he can say “violation,” the Guardian plucks the word from his mind. She sees her image reflected through his eyes. Watches as her pupils widen to draw him in, like two expanding black holes. Impossible to escape.
Play them for me, she orders without moving her lips. Start with the strongest synaptic pathway.
He keys in the necessary command and the screen blinks back to life. Another memory, this one flashing by in vivid swaths of blue and green. Sky and forest, trees evenly spaced and studded with red fruit. The image pans to the right, coming to rest on a young woman’s face. Dark hair. Darker eyes. Gentle smile.
“But that’s—” The tech jerks his head to the Guardian, eyebrows peaked in confusion. “That’s you.”
No, she answers with her thoughts. This child has no memories.
“This child has no memories,” the tech echoes.
You’ve stripped them all. She waits for him to repeat her words.
And found no anomalies.
“No anomalies.”
Nothing to report.
“Nothing to report.”
He’s fully processed and ready to go.
Once the tech has nodded his assent, she wills him to sleep and guides his limp body to rest on the console.
“You won’t remember me,” she whispers into his ear. “Because I don’t exist.”
The tech will awaken in ten minutes. Plenty of time to erase all record of the boy’s memories. Officially, he’ll be a blank slate, safely processed and ready for training. Ready to start his new life.
Only he won’t be completely empty.
She walks around the glass partition to the unconscious child and takes his hand, squeezing all her hope into him.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
I haven't read the rest of the story (and now maybe I should) but this is a powerful, creepy, portentious and -compelling- opening. You do want to find out what drives people to do this to other human beings, and whether that end is worth the injury inflicted. You may also want to know that by the name of What Its All About?
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It's not something I'd like to write myself, but I wouldn't like to put the book down.
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Don't assume I'm a typical reader.
I like this, assured writing that flows well doesn't stumble and draws one in to the world and story. Great dialogue which works, informs and pushes on the story world. Also it sets up a lot of things about this world without shoveling it on. We now know two obviously central characters and we know some of their connection to each other. The boy is in jeopardy so we are immediately sympathetic to him and when we find 'she' is in some way helping him to her as well. Thus we are already involved in their relationship over and above beginning to learn about the world which they inhabit... Just the way to do it!
Hey Gray,
First, you know I'm kinda old, so I don't retain much...therefore, I don't remember everything about the first time you posted this chapter...but I do remember liking it.
You must NOT shelve this story. It's wonderful. This chapter is wonderful. I especially love this paragraph: The Guardian closes her eyes and focuses on the jumble of sounds...wonderful description...but then again, you have great description all the way through.
I've just been waiting for you to get this published, so I can buy it!!
~Ann
Wow. Please re-boot. DO NOT SHELVE! First of all, Dystopic novels, particularly YA, are my favorite genre so I'm biased in your favor from the beginning. That being said, this is a compelling and gripping start to what I hope will be an amazing book. On the strength of your beginning, I would have bought this book without a question, assuming I didn't immediately sit down in the store and read the whole book first. Again, I freely admit my bias. I'm intrigued by your three precepts and can't wait to see where you go from here in building your society. I feel that you've given us tantalizing bits of information, just enough to encourage us to move forward and discover how this society works and what form the corruption will take. The following paragraph could use clarification, as on my first read-through I wasn't sure what you meant: "A young woman watches in silence as the boy’s memory streams before her. He’s running now. Spinning to search the horizon. A whimper as the image blurs through tears." I'm loving the connection with the woman who I assume is the boy's mother, and as for the rest I believe I'll have to read more before I can comment on how well it introduces the novel.
Hey Gray,
So, I'm venturing into Dystopian YA. I just read The Hunger Games, for a writing class! I'm sure you read it, but if you haven't, you should. If you have, reread the first paragraph. It might be one of the best opening paragraphs I've read. However, the one I just read here is pretty close! I love YA, (John Green is a favorite), I think if you catch the purity and honesty and humor of a kid's voice...just when they're on the cusp of adulthood, but not quite there yet, its magic. (I also love Jennifer Connely's Revolution...YA time travel historical fiction). Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a catalog of YA books, its YOUR YA book. I loved this opening, we get a sense of who is in control (the Guardian), but, by the end we know she's one of the good guys, this boy's mother possibly. And she aches for this boy (her son?) And she breaks the very strict rules controlling this society..so she may be an outlaw. Or cultivating the new, next leader of outlaws.
And who is Liv? And what did it mean to fail the screening and get carted away in a school bus? The writing, as ever, is pitch perfect, and the layering away of the sounds is brilliant.
I'm glad I've finally come around to this one.
Simi
Thought I'd come over and look at one of your stories and start reading it since I've caught up on all the others I'm reading.
This one looked most interesting, and I wasn't disappointed. This is a very interesting chapter, with enough detail to keep me understanding what's happening, but enough mystery and questions that I want to keep reading.
I never read the original version ,so can't compare, but this is a very nice start and well written. I'm looking forward to reading the others.
Cheers,
Don
P.S., I tend to read chunks of chapters to catch up, so be prepared for several reviews over the next few days. :)
Hello, nice to meet you. I was once a regular here but have not been around lately. This caught my interest, so I thought i would comment.
First I love the concept, kind of creepy- mind invasion stuff. I have not read your first version so this is initial impressions.
The beginning was a bit confusing for me. I had to read it over a few times until I was sure who was talking when. I'm not sure if you are writing this in omni POV or third with a bit of head- hopping. Either way you might want to make sure your POVs are correct. I think you are in the tech's POV in this chapter: Here: The tech mumbles his answer, avoiding eye contact. He’s learned to quiet his mind around Guardians... but you shift into the gardians at times. right here:The Guardian closes her eyes and focuses on the jumble of sounds. Good. He’s filtering just like she taught him to do, starting with the loudest notes. The wailing of gulls overhead.
This sentence: If she’s reading him though, she shows no outward sign. He may as well be invisible. Now she’s leaning over him to study the control panel, her petite frame brushing against his shoulder as she reaches for the monitor.- Seems to be a tense change- Now she's leaning over him... present tense? when all the rest is in third.
This makes for a confusing read, and why I had to read it a few times to see whose head I was in.
As I said, LOVE the concept. I'll be reading more.
Oh, wow! When you said you had changed this opening with Perrin I had to come check out if it was the scene I had read already. Boy am I glad I did. See, if I had read this before I started with the book it would have added some tension along the way as the story unfolded, also knowledge. I'm thinking back on all of the things that would have been so much more. The times Gant threatens to strip minds is one of them. The knowledge that Wil is planted where he is for a reason and Liv was taken because she wasn't considered useful (boy were they wrong) also gives that implanted dream in the last chapter I reviewed a heck of a lot more strength. I really enjoyed this one, Gray. Excellent.
No nits - nothing to pick at here. Smooth, great flow, and easy to fall into. I absolutely love this opening. You're sure to get attention with this one, buddy.
Susan
This is a promising first chapter. I would like more of a clue as to why the Guardian left the memory - like a hint of what she sees in the kid or if it's personal or what, but the lack of more info is a powerful motivator to read the next chapter, so...
The Guardian closes her eyes and focuses on the jumble of sounds. Good. He’s filtering just like she taught him to do, starting with the loudest notes. >> The POV shift was abrupt. Something to indicate a change would be helpful.
That would be –” He’s about to say “a violation” >> because the whole first part wasn't a violation, right?
Interesting question, ‘Is the world-building interesting or cliché?’ The real world is, by definition, cliché, since we never seem to learn from the past. Once the generation which lived events is gone, their history is gone for most of us. Someone once said that for most people history starts the day they were born. I read your question as, is this version of evil passing itself off as good different enough from current and past reality to be interesting? I found it both novel, believable, and interesting. I will happily read more of this story.
Now your setup, which reads like a prologue, includes two characters, the girl who represents power and the boy who will probably be the main character. You neither give their relationship or their descriptions. She is only “Dark hair framing darker eyes. Rose petal lips. Pale, flawless skin.” He looks like a body with green eyes being devoured by a snake. However, this comes from the only weakness in the piece, the POV. It shifts during the scene from the tech to the girl in charge. That I think is a mistake. It doesn’t hurt in a short prolog, but it will affect the reader over the long haul.
My recommendation is to drop the prolog aspect and make this ‘scene one’ of a two or three scene chapter. Pick a POV and tell the whole story from it. I normally use the third person omnipotent and limit shifts from character to character by scene so that the story is told from their various perspectives. I’ve also used the first person consistently. Shifting POV tends to confuse some readers and also tends to pull the reader out of the story because it blocks their identification with the character.
In terms of nit, I didn’t find any, but unfortunately, nit is also my worst writing fault. I hope this is helpful, R. M.
Hey gray, science fiction is not my forte, but this has the same quality of writing that I see in your other story. And a way cool premise. I don't have enough imagination to try fantasy or science fiction. One thing I liked that you did was not overwhelm the reader with paragraph after paragraph of a "new" world right out of the gate. That's the fastest way to lose me.
I thought this an effective first chapter. (And of course, very well written). Are you sure you're not an editor instead of a doctor?
Suggestions:
the rhythmic ssssh of waves (I didn't care for this. It reads too "authortic" -- is that a word? authorical? -- I saw you, and as the author, you are supposed to be invisible). How about: The rhytmic (slap) of waves lapping sand. [find some good verb].
The paragraph where the screen flares with light -- I got a bit confused as to whether this was a memory on the screen or the boy was actually already in motion, sprinting toward the sound. Make sure the reader knows this is an image on the screen.
That's all I got. It's so clean, it squeeks. I'm not a science fiction reader, but I liked this very much. Sharon
Dear Greymartin:
I'm not sure if you are still looking for feedback, since you have received so much, and I even see that you were planning to shelve this story. However, Don P Chambers was kind enough to recommend me your novel, so I decided to give it a look. I have not read yet other reviewers' comments, they're way to many, so I may be repeating things you've already heard.
The first lines are good.I mean the "Three Pillars". This kind of first lines are, typically, the promise of a good story based on what the lines say--like the small poem at the beginning of "The Lord of the Rings":
"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone..."
The rest of the chapter is fine, even though I'm missing so more setting. It seems to be a hospital, or some place of the sort. I believe it is deliberately vague, but from my standpoint a little more setting would be welcomed.
We have a very well done description of the Guardian, very well inserted within the story. I mean, her description is not getting in the way of the narration, but rather flows with it. However, we lack a description of the boy. We only know that the scanner seems be devouring him, but I think that a fast description would help the reader to better picture him. Also, the mentioning that he's in the scanner machine may come earlier in the chapter--at first it's kinda difficult to guess what's going on.
The ending is good and is a nice hook so the reader may be willing to keep reading on. It point to a future story where the boy would need to recover those memory seeds. My understanding is that, now, his mind has been wiped out.
Kiss
Gacela.
Hey graymartin,
If you would've asked me six-plus years ago what genres were turn-offs to me, I would've said "Romance and Science fiction." That, however, seems to be buried in the past. Since coming to play on this web site, I have read and enjoyed many romance novels. I've even attempted to write romance stories. And now, thanks to you, I can add sci-fi to my new horizons. Perhaps my aversion to sci-fi has to do with me reading a lot of sci-fi before I overcame my adolescent acne, and maybe it has to do with the character names of sci-fi stories that make their pronounciation a stumbling block; so when the boy said, "Liv, where are you?" well, you set a hook in my jaw. Now her name may turn out to be Livuela, but I'll be hanging onto Liv.
The scene of the woman leaning against the techinician in front of the montior was sexy in the best sense of the word.
This is a great opening chapter. The paragraph when "the screen flares to light.. is really, really good.
"Everything? What about [his] short-term memories?" * 'his" seemed unnecessary, since they were talking about the boy.
..and swallows the lump [that formed] in his throat. *ditto here. Where else could be the lump be that he swallowed?
later, nathan
Hey Gray....After Trophy Wife I haven't read your other work and thought it was about time.....Don't usually read YA, but as I loved your other story I had to read this one too, and I wasn't dis appointed....I felt that the dialogue was realistic, and the voice was very authentic....Looking forward to reading forward and thanks for sharing.....Denise
Author
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Hi Denise! I can't believe I missed this review. Sorry! I've been really spotty about visiting this site over the past couple of months, but I'll try to get back into the reading/writing thing next month. How is Beyond Paradise going? Working on a sequel yet? Gray:)
Hi Gray
Saw you posted a new chapter for this one, so I'll try to catch up! Or let me know if I should rather skip these chapters. Content review might then not be what it could be, but that should probably be ok?!
[delete] (add)
The image shimmers onto the screen, like a reflection [off](of) moving water.
general comment - are you purposefully using present tense because it's not the norm or rather, unusual (but then again, what do I know!)
He’s peeling back the layers of noise, isolating and *filtering* until all that remains is silence.
- if you want to, see if you could mix it up and avoid using "filtering" so soon again?
Silence, and then… a choked [off] sob.
- suggestion only!
“The screening! They’re taking her away*!*”
- not italics as the rest
The tech will awaken in ten minutes. Plenty of time to erase all record(s) of the boy’s memories.
At one point the chapter started to feel sluggish with all the memories. So maybe try and see if you could shorten it yet keep the intent/impact? But it's not a major issue in my opinion, because just when I thought it was enough, things started to happen again in real time. So this is all up to you.
Overall a strong first chapter. Clear without giving anything away. And a really good ending to keep readers turning pages!
Cheers Janet R
Author
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Good morning, Janet (or is it evening for you guys?) Thanks so much for checking this out. Not sure if you're interested in Sci-fi / dystopian YA, so I certainly understand if you bow out now, but this prologue is designed to "tease" with many questions and no answers. The bulk of the story is written in 1st person through the MC's POV, and there is some YA romance, I promise! Your points are good ones, especially RE the sluggishness when I describe the memories. I'll have to figure out what to do with this one. There are also a few chapters down the road where I go to 3rd person to take the POV of the villain, and those may be dropped during my revisions. Your feedback as always is much appreciated. Are you working on a revised Chapter 2 based on the changes you made to the first chapter of Northern Skies, or should I go to the chapter you already have posted? Thanks! Gray:)
P.S. I have a cousin in Sydney, who loves it there! Itching to visit, but I can't afford to take that much time off from work right now.
I noticed your chapter 41 but didn't remember the story so I went back to the beginning and found v2 of chapter 1. I must not have read the first version. None of it sounded familiar. However, your beginning is excellent. I noticed a few Wows in the other reviews. A wow notice is as good as it gets on TNBW. Sincerely, John
Author
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Thanks for dropping by, John. I'm glad this opening didn't come across as too confusing to you. That's been my main concern after some of the feedback I've gotten. I really appreciate the fresh set of eyes! Take care, Gray
wow
don't know what your original was, but glad you haven't shelved this. it has spots that actually catch me off guard and I have to back up and think through them. Not sure why all his memories had to go. Well, I am, but I'm not, lol. Guess it just feels "wrong" to me. But it is so inline with where this seems to be going. And the "seeds" now have perfectly prepared "soil" with no "weeds" of memories to choke them out.
Excellent write. This is going to be an awesome read!
Author
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Thanks, MB. I appreciate the feedback! Hope you are enjoying the holidays. G:)
Hi Graymartin,
DON'T SHELVE THIS! I am not a reader of this type of story but my granddaughters did get me too read The Hunger Games as well and I read all three books.
That being said, I can tell the young boy is is some kind trouble and we will soon find out. I'm anxious to find out about the Three Pillars. The first chapter has drawn me into a genre I would not venture into.
I don't remember reading the first opening but this flows nicely The dialogue is interesting and fluid.
Like the two main characters immediately.
Author
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Thanks NY and welcome back to the site! I'm a sporadic visitor lately, but am hoping to get more involved with reading and reviewing in the new year. Hope your writing is going well! Take care, and thanks for checking this out! Gray
The start of this was really compelling, although I have to admit I had to re-read some parts to make sure I full understood what was going on - but that could be because it's Monday! You may have kept it as mysterious as this intentionally, but I think a little more context/setting could help connect the reader to what's going on. The ending was fantastic. Why does she want him to keep his memories? Is she an anarchist? What does she want him to do when the time comes? These are the questions that will force me to read ch2!
Author
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Hi again! This prologue is a bit of a quandary for me, since it ties in to later revelations in the story, but the story really starts in the next chapter. Not sure if I'll keep or dump -- probably find a way to cut it down a bit. Take care, Gray
Thank you for such a strong start to a very promising story! Personally, I love YA and this is right up my alley...and a type of book that I would stay up all night reading. I tried not to read others comments so I wouldn't spoil it myself, in case they read ahead of me. There are so many questions to be answered. Like who is this boy? And why is this woman protecting him? I know these questions will be answered in later chapters, but you set up a mystery that hooks the reader, making them want to read on.
Author
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Hi UnicornMom (love the name!),
Welcome to the site, and thanks for the kind comments and encouragement. I see you're also a YA writer/fan. We're a bit outnumbered here, but there are a few active YA writers on this site, including Penang, Apryl Baker (she has a very successful, terrific series called Ghost Files that you can check out on Amazon or Wattpad; I believe it's even going to be made into a movie!), Susan Stec (dark fantasy YA and new adult), RM Keenan, and Gaciela (I'm blanking on her penname, but she's currently working on "Where Heaven and Hell Meet.")
I see you've recently posted, so I'll check out what you've been working on. Best of luck with your writing. You'll learn a lot here! Take care, Gray
Very interesting, Graymartin. I think this is the first time I've ready any work of yours. I found this very easy to visualize and the story seems plenty easy to follow. After reading your plotline of this story, I knew I had to have a read:-) I expect the following chapters will develop quickly, nicely, that there'll be plenty of visual feasts and great writing!
Happy Holidays,
Mike
Author
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Thanks so much for visiting this story, Mike. I really appreciate the feedback, fresh perspective and encouraging words. Have a wonderful holiday season! Gray
I think this ties in with what happens later. It starts out in the technician's POV - then shifts to the Guardian's POV about halfway through. Overall I think this draws the reader in - introducing a freaky world with mind reading, memory erasing, and the need cloak & dagger plots. I'll read any new chapters you post on this one! (I don't think the site will let me re-review revised chapters).
Author
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Thanks, SP. Just spotted this. This revised version is told entirely from Wil's POV, with the exception of this short prologue. I think I need to rewrite it through just the Guardian's POV instead of head-hopping, as I do now, but I'm having trouble making the adjustment. I'll keep an eye out for your next chapter of Hitchhiker 2. Gray :)
Allow me to start by saying that I came across your writing because Mike Jackson recommended you for literary similarities between our writing.
Initially I considered an In-line, but seeing the age of this submission I thought you might be quite happy with its current state so I thought I'd offer a regular review instead.
Your start is good, especially for a YA novel, instantly grabs "Hey what does that mean" sort of guesswork. Kind of like use of prophecies by Rick Riordan in some of his books.
Your prose is crisp and evocative, has me wondering about the similarities now! I need quite a bit more work.
"Dark hair framing darker eyes. Rose petal lips. Flawless caramel skin." - brilliant description, just brilliant.
Consider me thoroughly impressed by your style and talent. I believe Mike was a bit premature and generous in his comparisons, because your talent is beyond evident.
I look forward to reading more, I'm quite happy I went with a regular review instead of an In-line, I would not have been able to find 5 critiques.
Author
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Hi Mark! Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. Mike Jackson's a great guy, and WAY more prolific than me. As you can probably tell, I've been working on this for ages. Not sure how long you've been on this site, but I'm sure you'll get a lot out of your time here. Thanks to work/family/life, I've been a sporadic visitor recently, but I miss it. Thanks again from dropping by! Gray
Well here I am finally. I'm excited to start this project because it's YA, unlike all the other stories I'm following.
This is a strong first chapter, which really felt like a prologue. A behind-the-scenes scene that kick-starts our hero's journey. Actually, this seemed to me like a cross between Neal Shusterman's Unwind and James Dashner's Maze Runner, both of which are dark dystopians.
It's a little unclear what's happening in some moments but it doesn't have to make complete sense yet, as it rouses the mystery. From what I got, they're erasing this boy's memories as they watch them, but before the tech could erase his short term memories, the woman stopped him and hexed him to skip that part. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm curious about what a color Sifter is... and what a plain old Sifter is... but manipulating emotions is always an entrancing idea so can't go wrong there. I also loved the medical flare because I have a medical background. Talks about the hippocampus excite me.
Looking forward to more!
Alice
Author
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Thanks for visiting this, Alice! This is indeed a prologue, so I should probably come right out and call it that. The scene is supposed to set the stage, precedes the main action by 8 years, and gets revisited later, so I hope the confusing pieces make sense over time. My concern is that I don't want to turn of YA readers with a complex 3rd person opening when the remainder of the story is more of a typical 1st person present story. As you read on, please let me know if you think I'd be better off just dropping the prologue. Thanks! Gray
I have only read the Prologue so far, and I want to read more! I especially love your description of how the Guardian draws him in:
"She sees her image reflected through his eyes. Watches as her pupils widen to draw him in, like two expanding black holes. Impossible to escape."
The only suggestion with that particular paragraph would be to combine all three sentences using a comma, like the following:
"She sees her image reflected through his eyes; watches as her pupils widen to draw him in, like two expanding black holes; impossible to escape."
You are an excellent writer!
Author
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Hi Alicia,
Thanks so much for visiting this story, While it's close to my heart, I've put the project on the back burner to work on something else, but that doesn't mean I've given up on it or don't very much appreciate any help I can get to make it better. I don't recall seeing your name before, so if you are new to the site, welcome! I hope you enjoy your time here.
Gray
Hi Gray,
I thought I'd dip into your YA tale. Your narrative is very smooth and I could find no obvious problems or nits. This is a new area for me and I come at the story with no knowledge of guardians and sifters etc. However, the way you have set up the prologue leaves me with lots of questions. The boy child appears special and will they grow to become the MC in the story? is the guardian a malign or benign influence? Where are they taking the girl and for what purpose? Why does the boy care about the girl? And most important of all, what happens next?
As YA, it is also short and punchy, in such a way that it should hopefully tickle their synapses enough to want to read on!
So all good so far. An intriguing intro!
All the best.
Ted
Author
Reply
Thanks for checking this one out too. As you can probably tell, it's a very different type of story, especially as the MC's voice (a sixteen year-old version of the boy in the prologue) takes over in chapter two. I definitely left my comfort zone to write this story, which is more a reflection of my love of dystopian fiction. 1984 is one of my favorites, so this started out as a YA version of that with "thought police" taken to a telepathic extreme.
--Gray
No
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