Route 2 near Waltham, Massachusetts
March 30th, 2:30 AM
Ethan
It should have been me.
Ethan Chase punched the steering wheel with bloodied knuckles, then stared ahead at the empty highway. He’d sacrifice his soul for another chance to save her, but God didn’t want his soul.
God was as dead as Abbie – as silent and cold as the gaping hole that had swallowed her casket.
This isn’t real. I’ll take this exit up ahead, turn around, and she’ll be home waiting for me.
Denial was the worst type of torture. Each irrational moment of hope triggered a fresh wave of grief. He sobbed as reality crashed back down on him. Nothing could change the past. Nothing could bring his sister back.
“Why, why, why?”
He screamed until his voice was gone, until all he could hear was the growling engine and the roaring wind. Maybe if he drove faster, he could escape this reality. He’d wake up in a cold sweat and pick up the phone to call her. He’d tell her how much he loved her. How he’d just had the worst nightmare.
Eighty miles per hour.
Ninety.
One hundred.
The speed was terrifying, but he couldn’t slow down. Couldn’t ease his foot off the accelerator. He had to escape. Had to leave this nightmare behind.
The Porsche rocketed into the darkness, headlights illuminating swaths of asphalt and forest. Trees and sign posts shot past him like debris in a hurricane.
One ten.
One twenty.
The highway narrowed, tree branches arching overhead to form a thick canopy. The road was as empty as deep space. Nothing to ground him to reality, but he knew this route. Knew that time was running out.
Up ahead, the road curved around a reservoir, moonlight shimmering off black water.
No. Abbie wouldn’t want this.
He pumped the brakes. Tires squealed as the Porsche fishtailed, then bucked like a panicked animal.
The guardrail rushed toward him, filling the windshield.
Time slowed, expanding like a rubber band.
One second.
Two.
He slammed his foot on the brake and spun the wheel, fighting for control, but it was too late.
The rubber band stretched taut and snapped, flipping the car over with impossible speed.
He had time for just one thought before his world exploded into a maelstrom of crunching metal and shattered glass.
I don’t want to die.
***
© Copyright 2025 graymartin. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
Hi Gray,
Not sure when you posted this; I’ve been on the site since 2017.
Your writing is fluid and vivid, and you give the reader enough info in the prologue to hint there’s a dark cloud hovering over him from his past, a past that’s a mere two month’s old, a period which coincides with his daughter’s birth.
Obvious questions abound, such as the child’s mother, his wife.
-What happened to her?
-Where is he going?
-What questions does he crave answers to?
I did find one sentence that struck off-key:
“Her delicate cupid’s bow twitches, rooting against her grandmother’s sweater...” It sounds like her mouth is doing the “rooting,” whereas her fingers should do the rooting. Suggest flipping it. “Rooting against her grandmother’s sweater, her cupid’s bow twitched...”
I hope that helps.
Well-written!
Cheers,
~Lynn
Hi Lynn,
Thanks so much for the read and feedback. I checked the original posting date for the first draft of this story and was shocked to see it was in 2015! Guess I've taken a longer break from writing than I thought. I was pretty active here for a while, and I'm sitting on 1000 points which have been gathering dust over the years. COVID has been horrible in our region, but as a doc, it cut down on my patient hours, so if there is a personal silver lining, it's that I've had more personal time to exercise, spend time with my family (and walk the dogs), and of course, write. I don't think I've read any of your stories, since I was checking out around the time that you were checking in, so I'm going to see what you've been up to.
Regards,
Gray
I confess i have to go back to the beginning to get the juices flowing again. I think I read the first few chapters, but my memory's not what I would wish.
Intriguing opening. I want to read on to find out what happened, which is just the reader response you want. See you in the next chapter. JP
A beginning is always that, and this is a good one. Starting with an infant is a good introduction to the story. What's striking to me is that all the elements are in place: the child, the home (I love saltbox houses), the grandparents, and the business which calls the parent away. Everything is here, so where is the conflict? At present all I can see is the travel, which is an elusive one.
This is good, so I can't wait to see what comes next.
Lawrence
Hi Gray
You have a few in-line reviews already so I thought to leave a few general comments as I read chapter by chapter.
I am intrigued generally to find out more about Ethan and why he needs to leave his baby with his mother. Also, where is the baby's mother? Good hooks to get us turning the page.
Is it necessary to refer to him as Ethan Chase? Somehow the use of his surname in the first sentence is a little jarring to me. I feel it would be more natural to refer to him simply as Ethan. Not serious though, obviously!
The chapter is called The Call and yet there is no mention of a call. Could an oblique reference be worked in somehow?
I'll definitely be reading more and will watch out for any choppy transitions between POV's.
All the best
Bindi
Hey Graymartin,
I'm hooked. So much was packed into such a short chapter. The reader is left with several mysteries. Is the child's mother dead? Or is she missing? What answers is Chase "chasing after".
This was expertly drafted to leave all the answers coming- you gave the reader just enough detail to keep them reading. I don't know how to describe it. I struggle trying to do this very thing. Leaving so much up to context and letting the reader draw their own conclusions- not telling the reader or leading the reader with too much exposition.
The chapter was full of emotion and tenderness. Nothing like starting a story with a newborn baby. I'm sure there is a reason for the baby being two months old.
Looking forward to reading more,
CJ
Hi CJ,
Thanks for dropping by, and for those encouraging words. I used to be rather active on this site a few years back but dropped out for a while. I don't think I've ever read your material, so I'll be sure to check it out this week.
Thanks again!
Gray
I enjoyed reading this. I'm used to reading about how women adore their babies but it was a nice change seen it from the father's point of view instead. I like the foreshadowing it left room for anticipation and prediction. I'm wondering why is marriage is not working out when he's such a good dad. I'm out so wondering where he's going and what he is anticipating to happen himself I'm wondering if it's a job interview? there are a lot of questions I have and that's a good thing for an opener.
Hi Sara,
Welcome to the site, and thanks for checking out this story. This opener was definitely meant to ask many questions without giving answers, so I appreciate the feedback. I hope you've found your time at TNBW productive so far. I've certainly learned a lot here over the years.
Regards,
Gray
I'm definitely hooked. So many questions in this chapter - what happened to the baby's mother ( she seems to be on his bad side), what is the tragedy, where is he going, what does he need to do, etc. and oddly, why did he cough?
"Funnel clouds massing on the horizon" - love it.
The mural description - a different mural for every reader, love it
And Bella - I want to pick up my dog and squeeze him. (no babies around)
Onward to 2!
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
Thanks so much for checking this story out, and for your kind words. This prologue has received mixed reviews, since some people really don't like these sorts of teasers. I'm not sure I'll keep it, since it gives away a lot of the ending of the story, but feedback like yours helps me to figure this out. Thanks!
Gray
This is a gripping start. Very eager to find out what happens next.
Your descriptions are vivid, the emotions are raw, and your writing pulls in the reader to experience the story first hand.
The part where Ethan keeps his foot on the accelerator, racing towards the inevitable end, was very well written!
Great job, looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Hello. Long time! To me, this is a beautifully written chapter. It's very believable, harrowing, and it's not rudimentary in it's development of this, the intro. No. This is a skillfully written first installment. Plenty of keen understanding reg what makes fiction fun to read!
Now I admit I'm not much good at critiquing. But I believe in my ability to KNOW when I'm reading a good story chapter. I guess what I should say is that if an opening hits me like a Tyson hook - and this did - it's going to provide me with plenty of entertainment in further chapters. Well, a large percentage of the time, anyway.
'sides, I recall devouring one of your other stories a few years back. You CAN write, Gray!
CHEERS!!
Mike
Hi Mike! Great to see your name pop up on my cue. You were so incredibly helpful with TROPHY WIFE, and I always look forward to and appreciate your feedback. I'm glad this first chapter worked for you, and that the hook had its desired effect. Hope all is well!
Gray
Hi Gray,
This is packed with tension and heartache. Very good beginning with a smart hook at the end.
One thing I struggled with was braking distance. It might help to give a clearer sense of how far ahead the curve was. Even at 120 a Porsche can stop in a fairly shortly distance., Tiny clarification needed.
Great job.
Thanks for checking this out. It's definitely more coherent than TROPHY and the structure -- a pretty straightforward romance told in alternating POVs -- is definitely less muddled. I've send it off to a developmental editor to get some more feedback before I cast it out into the slush pile in search of a literary agent. In the meantime, I can use all the help I can get. Looks like you've posted a new story, so I'll check that out.
Cheers,
Gray
S. L. Garber-Ortiz