In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.
We're like political candidates arguing about the "write" way to do this or that when we are actually all arguing for the same thing which is to get the damn story done and over with and hopefully published.
Amen.
You should try a French computer keyboard. You'd be amazed how much that will slow you down. I spend more time on the backspace key than any other. I'd splurge for something new, but I have too many bills to pay.
One relatively new one for me is that ", and then" has now become ", then". When did "then" become a coordinating conjunction?
MJ, long live the Oxford comma!
English Lit was a class you sat through in awe, and your English professor was someone you admired and secretly swore to be like him/her one day.
In my school, English Lit was a separate course from English 20 (grade 11). You had to choose one. I went with English Lit. Turns out, English 20 is where they taught all of the grammar rules one needs to write a book today. On the plus side, English Lit was taught by the department head, who "secretly" drank alcohol out of his coffee cup. He was a hoot.
Ah. Now I get it. Meditate on this, I will. Scene 1.4's first paragraph is worse.
Hmm. I replaced the discussion about a powerful demon with speculation about the Antichrist and the resulting scene (Campagna meets Connor) is now eleven pages. Makes the St. Peter's Basilica scene look downright short. :-)
Line 1?
Technically, the title refers to the Church's attempt to save Connor. However, there are three books and he's the focus of the series, so yes he survives book one.
You're up early.
As the book summary states, the Church eventually comes to the conclusion they and Connor are being stalked by the Antichrist. It's all about getting to that hypothesis asap. The fact that the destruction of the basilica requires great power makes it possible for me to skip demons and go straight to the Unholy Trinity. The hunt for the serial killer then becomes a hunt to mask the Antichrist, which is as originally intended.
I took another crack at bypassing the whole notion that the killer is a powerful demon. I'm trying to jump straight to the hunt for the Antichrist.
Inspectors Campagna and De Rosa drove in her Alfa Romeo to Orfanotrofio di San Nicola to see Father Romano and Connor.
“What do you think of our case?” she asked.
“I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I think there are three possible killers. It has to be a member of the Unholy Trinity — the Antichrist, the False Prophet, or Satan himself. My money is on the Antichrist.”
“Why?”
“We’ve found no explanation for the damage to the basilica. If it wasn’t an earthquake, then it would require extraordinary power, the kind only a member of the Unholy Trinity could wield. If lesser demons could kill cardinals and destroy churches, it would happen all the time.”
“So why the Antichrist and not the False Prophet or Satan?”
“In the Book of Revelation, the Antichrist rises before the False Prophet, which is one of the reasons I discount the latter. Also, the False Prophet’s role is to make others worship the Antichrist. I see no evidence of that here. Satan, on the other hand, has far too much pride to become personally involved. He wouldn’t debase himself to kill an old man and damage a building. That’s the kind of thing he would delegate to a lesser being. Also, it explains the ring with the numbers 666 — the mark of the beast, generally considered to be the Antichrist.
“But the Antichrist is human. How do you explain the fog and his ability to slip under locked doors?”
“Given his supernatural powers, I would say he’s only partially human. Historically, some leading theologians have speculated that he could be the son of Satan himself. Consider Revelation 13:2. It says the dragon, meaning Satan, gave the Antichrist his power and his throne and great authority. Satan, being who he is, would never willingly surrender such great power to someone else unless that person had his absolute trust. Hence, an offspring. Given the Antichrist’s power, I’m not surprised he can turn into fog and slip under locked doors.
Does it work?
Thanks
Dirk
After a little rewording, I shaved about twenty words from the opening paragraph. The buses remain, but the stage direction is significantly reduced. Not bad. Naturally, there was other stuff that I wanted to put back into the chapter, which I had previously purged. Same total word count. There's other stuff I can trim, depending on further feedback.
However, since you weren't too thrilled about St. Peter's Basilica, you may hate the second act. Connor will go from site to site in the Holy Land, following in the footsteps of Jesus. Lot's of biblical and archaeological details. He will either be under attack or perform increasing miracles. It's going to be interesting to see how many such miracles I can come up with. The good news is they ride in SUVs, not buses. 
Netflix just notified me of a new upcoming series called Constantine, starring Keanu Reeves, which involves a deal between God and Satan. Winner take all. It's based on a long-running comic book series and a series of novels. I almost freaked. As far as I can tell from the trailer and Wikipedia, many important elements differ. TBD.
The Star Wars stuff came from the first three films. And yes the prequels and sequels mostly sucked. I have other reviewers of my writing. I just need time to recip to get their input.
The buses will not totally disappear, but that part is clunky. I think I can do better.
Dirk
I got scene 4.1 down to 9.25 pages. I may be able to trim a little more if I lose the buses. I'm going to wait for more feedback before deciding what else to chop. The scene with Damiano blessing the Pope was meant to lead to Damiano receiving a small gold(en) cross to wear, similar to the one Inspector De Rosa wears. Unfortunately, that would easily require another half page. On the other hand, if I yank out all of the stuff relating to the Pope, I'd hit my page count but would lose the Yoda joke and Death Star comparison, which add some fun to a Catholic-heavy scene.
Tricky. They're the kind of background characters you would normally want me to punt, but they play a role that I would have to assign to other priests (eg the soccer coach), and since they interact with the MCs, I'd have to name them anyway. I'm stuck with them for act 1. I'll change to two named exorcists and see how it reads.
Thanks
Dirk
Yes. Connor's under repeated attack by demonic forces. It seems like the natural thing for the Church to do. Think of them like guards in a conventional story. However, since the characters interact with them, they need names. There will also be Vatican Swiss Guards in the next act; in their case, I'll only name the senior guard.
Question about the exorcists shadowing Connor. I chose to have two so that at least one could always be on duty, even at night. Theoretically, I could name both and have them appear together from time to time. However, there's a problem with having too many priests in one scene, not to mention too many named characters, especially given that all the names are foreign. My first crack at this was to use Father Luca as both the soccer coach and exorcist. The other one was off "resting". Father Luca carried over to the hospital, guarding Connor overnight after the lightning strike. A long shift, but still reasonable. With the release of my latest chapter, I again prefer to have just one exorcist, so it's Father Luca again. However, I can't keep saying the other one is resting and never have him show up. Stands out like a sore thumb. I think I have to bite the bullet and name them both and have them both appear from time to time, even if they're never together. Readers won't remember who these guys are (bit parts), so I have to remind the reader once or twice per scene who they are (e.g. Father Luca, the exorcist, said ...). It's a limited problem since I will ditch both of them at the end of this act. The Holy Land guide (also a priest) will conveniently also have exorcism training.
Reasonable?
Dirk
Heretic. :-)
You're not being a dick. After I post a chapter, I then spend a couple of weeks reciprocating and tweaking what I have up. As for who founded the Church, it was definitely Jesus. In the Gospels, he addresses Peter (a name that also means rock), and tells him that "You are Peter and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it." (Matt 16:18)
The chapter from hell is up. The orphans tour the Vatican. Only the tour of St. Peter's Square and St. Peter's Basilica are shown since Romano and Connor leave the tour before it's over. Technically, Connor's already seen the Sistine Chapel, but I'll probably have him revisit it in the future as a place he goes to think.
No Asimov or Arthur C. Clarke or Frederick Pohl or Ray Bradbury?
And Frank Herbert's Dune is probably older than you are. Naturally, I have a signed first edition.
Asimov was once asked what he'd do if he was told he had only one year to live. His answer: writer faster! :-)
Thank you, Ann. That's probably as close as I can get.
Thank you, all.
Dirk
This is similar to what I'm trying to describe, only with just two people. Most notably, the woman who is third from the right has her arm loosely dangling over the right shoulder of the guy in yellow. As I mentioned above, it's friendly but not really intimate.
https://studenthut.com/articles/10-type … y-have-uni
I googled side hugs and it's different than what I have in mind. Imagine two people standing side-by-side to be photographed. One of them places his arm across the other person's shoulder, resting his hand next to the other person's neck. t's a friendly act, but not intimate. I'll see if I can find a picture.
Is there a name for when someone places an arm across your back and rests their hand on your far shoulder? It's probably blatantly obvious, but I can't remember if it has a name. (I'm not referring to someone putting their arm around both of your shoulders, which tends to be more of a sideways hug.)
Thanks
Dirk
