Sol, recently I went looking for mikejackson1127 using the Search Writer function. I couldn't remember his exact user ID, so I searched for mike. I got a match on lots of Mikes, but not his. Fortunately, I was able to find him by scrolling through my reviews. It would be nice if the search function could handle partial matches.
Thanks
Dirk
Note to self: expired diet Pepsi tastes nasty.
I took the easy way and eliminated all references that lead the reader to expect that Connor becomes possessed by Legion. Close enough.
I'm not in the mood to write a new chapter, so I decided to take another crack at Connor becoming possessed by Legion. The damn scene screams for the possession. To differentiate the transfer of the demons from the one in The Exorcist, I can do it by Palermo (the reverend mother) biting into his throat or simply by kissing him.
The tricky part is that once Connor is possessed, there are up to three possible voices coming out of him: his own normal voice, his supernatural commanding voice (deep/reverberates), and the many simultaneous voices of Legion. There will be a conversation between these voices, with Connor on one side and Legion on the other. I could potentially differentiate them by using 'Connor said' and 'Legion said', although that's inconsistent with how I wrote the rest of the scene, where Palermo is identified as Connor's external opposition. Palermo has the many voices of the demons throughout the scene, but Connor can't identify them as Legion until fairly late. Even then, I continue to refer to her as Palermo throughout, for consistency. Does it matter if I shift from 'Palermo' as the external opposition to 'Legion' as Connor's internal opposition? Worse, every physical action Connor takes must be referred to as 'Connor did X', regardless of who (Connor or Legion) caused the action, since the POV character (Romano) can't tell which of the two is acting, only who is talking. This has the potential to be very confusing.
Thoughts?
Thanks
Dirk
Yup. Thanks.
Totally forgot that Romano is supposed to start unraveling because of his guilt at the death of his former lover. Changed the beginning of the chapter to this:
Father Romano returned to Sant’Eugenio Hospital the following morning to pick up Connor. As he walked down the hallway toward the boy’s room, Romano thought he heard someone familiar call his name. He turned around and saw Antonio, his dead lover, lying on the floor, his body broken and blood gushing from his nose and mouth.
Romano ran toward him, but when he blinked, the man was gone. A chill ran down the father’s spine and his heart pounded. He stood there for a time, unsure of what he had seen. Eventually, he dismissed it as resulting from his own guilt. He resumed walking toward Connor’s room, where he found the boy dressed and ready to go. “How are you feeling?”
I gave up. Too many problems to address if Connor becomes possessed. I may try again next draft.
I was tempted to have Connor say, "Are you a demon or a vampire?" just before she bites him. It's actually combined with wolf-like growls.
In the revised ending, the demons will be visible as they transfer from the reverend mother to Connor. To differentiate my transfer of demons from the way it happened in The Exorcist, I have her grow fangs and bite into Connor's neck, at which point Legion passes to him, and the fun begins. Once he manages to expel them, they will whip around the room terrorizing my cast of characters, before fleeing under the door.
My biggest problem turns out to be that Connor argues out loud with Legion, but they both speak using Connor's voice. It's hard to write a conversation that way. Needs some thought.
I eliminated the shivering. As currently written, he closes his eyes, furrows his brow, and turns his head from side to side while the exorcist is praying. Half a page later, he throws holy water on the exorcist, who screams as his body dissolves to reveal that he's a demon in human form.
All edits are in, but I'm going to change the ending, not sure when. Rather than Connor casting Legion out of the reverend mother, it's better if Legion jumps into him and they do spiritual battle with him. It's a lot like The Exorcist, which is why I didn't do it this time around. Unlike the film, Connor will of course survive, so it just remains to be seen if I can make the battle sufficiently interesting to work. He's fighting a legion of demons, so I may be able to do it.
Have a great Thanksgiving. And maybe post something on what you are grateful for.
I'm grateful for ... living in the best country in the world.
You live in Canada, too? :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMxGVfk09lU
John Hamler wrote:you did say you're mostly in it for the money, so...
Demon horses. Cool.
As Connor's powers grow, he will increasingly become the central character, except for the point of view, which has to remain Romano's. It's a little like the Gospels themselves. They were written from the point of view of four different men, but Jesus is the central character in each. If it wasn't for that, Romano could be written out of the scenes. What I need to do is give Romano more to do. FYI, the prologue is currently written from Connor's point of view, but that's a temporary placeholder. Once I write that scene in the main story, it too will be from Romano's point off view.
Tentatively, I'm going with the following. I decided it's not so bad after all. The fact that he shivered tells the reader he's sensed something.
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.
I'll wait for Kdot to wake up before I finalize it. Kdot, what are you doing sleeping at 5 AM? :-)
POV question. Since the following is from Father Romano's POV, Kdot rightly pointed out that the second sentence is a bit of a POV slip. I've since made it worse by adding "in concentration" to the first sentence.
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration. He turned his head slowly from side to side, as if sensing something that others could not. He shivered.
Technically, it's possible Connor is smelling a fart and trying to figure out where it's coming from, but that's not likely. How big a deal is this? And what would fix it? If I take out the problem parts, I'm left with:
Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.
Doesn't really tell the reader enough until half a page later when Connor says he can sense many demons in the room. Or does it?
Suggestions?
Thanks
Dirk
Welcome, Ray.
Hmm. Those lines are three of most quotable from the Rites of Exorcism and allow me to build to the fourth (successful) line. The Exorcist used them repeatedly, so I cut my usage to just once. I read the original script this weekend, and there's only one other sentence of overlap, but it's not as important.
I think I found a fix. Connor's powers are still developing, which is why he doesn't understand when Legion says we meet again. Not perfect, but close enough.
P.S. Swiping with Android's Google keyboard is riddled with errors. Too bad Swype is no longer available. If you see me posting bizarre sentences, I'm either drunk, high, or swiping.
Kdot, I have a potential plothole I'm wondering about. When Connor is trying to drive out the demons, he says "God the Father commands you! God the Son commands you! God the Holy Spirit commands you!" That doesn't work. He eventually realizes that the right thing to say is "I command you!"
If Connor is Christ, which is what I'm hinting at, then the first three commands should have worked. It's one thing for those to fail to work when a priest says them, since some demons are too powerful, especially Legion, but when Christ issues those commands, they should have worked. In the New Testament, Jesus barely broke a sweat casting them out.
Thoughts?
Dirk
Minor correction: when you post multiple chapters, it shows the most recently posted chapter, not the first one. It should probably show the first one posted.
Stick with one book, Ray. The pick list of chapters shows reviewers which chapters they've reviewed and which ones they haven't. When you had your chapters in separate books, it required reviewers to remember which books they've read and which ones they haven't. Too unwieldy in a book with many chapters. As Randall mentioned, reviewers can see/access both newly published chapters in the pick list. Most reviewers know to check the pick list for earlier chapters that they may have missed.
Ray, when you post multiple chapters in quick succession, the site only shows the first one. This change was made a long time ago because some writers post many chapters at once, thereby forcing other people's chapters off the home page/spotlight too quickly. Anyone who clicks on your chapter one will have access to both chapters from the chapter pick list in the book.
I'll ask Connor to say a prayer for you.
Feel better.
Dirk
Even better: the mother superior jumped.
Thanks
Dirk
