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I just farted.

That's never stopped me.

Amy, I've read it but haven't reviewed it yet. Will do soon.

I think it's a big improvement. I now see the timeline of events within Mandates and between Mandates and Acts. I assume you'll flip the POV to Anver experiencing some of these same events in Acts to reinforce these events.

I agree with K that there is a lot going on crammed into this chapter and that it needs either cutting (e.g., the dragon) or expansion. Him healing at the school is excellent since it creates the connection needed between the two stories.

My main criticism is that I think the opening of the chapter is weak. This is the beginning of your saga. Starting with a climb is not going to grab me right away if I open your book and start reading it. I think the strongest place to start would be in the cave after the cave-in. That's the time of highest tension in the chapter. Give us Kha catatonic, but still able to sense somewhat and struggling to think straight. Let us experience it as he would. The cave is dark. He can't see. There are no sounds. He can't hear his friends. Have him wonder if this is the end for him. Have him worry if anyone has died. Have him think that he may have triggered the cave-in when he grounded. (I don't know if he's responsible, but he could be thinking it.) Make him unable even to maintain his body temperature. Eventually, have him sense light coming from an opening as Anver clears bolders. Have it warm his face. Have him hear conversations as they find dead bodies around him.

I have to go back and read it again, but I got the impression that the cave-in happened just as he grounded. When would he have had time to take the other staff?

That's it so far. Nice work.
Dirk

You don't need to retell the whole thing twice. Just enough for readers to see the connection when they get to Acts. If Anver is going to appear at the beginning of Mandates to rescue Kha, make it clear in Acts that he rescued Kha. You can tell the common events from two totally different perspectives (how Kha experienced it vs how Anver experienced it). As written, I knew there was a connection, but it wasn't obvious enough to help me understand the timeline, which caused confusion and frustration.

Right now you have Anver as the POV character in Mandates for the opening scenes, then he totally disappears, which comes off as a poorly written opening to a huge saga. I suggest you don't make him the POV character at all in Mandates. Tell the disaster and rescue entirely from Kha's POV. It's his story. Gives us his thoughts and his struggle to be rescued and recover. Keep the story in Kha's POV until he leaves the school. In Acts, give us only Anver's POV until Kha leaves the school. If you want to include a timeline for readers, that's fine, but the stories could each easily stand on their own.

Amy, thanks for the explanation of the timeline. I think it's going to be difficult for readers to grasp this, though, since you're weaving back and forth between two stories. Having read Acts, I still couldn't figure it out, although that's probably because I'm a dunce. It would be easier to follow this if the events at the beginning of the two books were the same, told in roughly linear fashion, but told from a different POV (Kha vs. Anver).

Thank you, Charles. I used the same site recently for Japanese swear words, but forgot to check it for Latin. As you saw, many of the words are quite rude. I finally got some answers from two Latin forums about Latin titles (imperator, imperatrix, heres imperialis, etc.). Next step are some less rude curse words (e.g., bloody hell, orgasm, ass, etc.). I'm not too worried about the reader not knowing the exact definition of my curse words. They can look it up if they're really curious. Most of the words will be discernable from context. The idea is that society has evolved the quirk that it is considered uncivilized to swear in New English (my "standard" language in the book). Most of my characters swear using words appropriate to their culture (Japanese, Italian, and Latin). I then have one of my characters drop an f-bomb in New English when he's furious about an unauthorized bombing.

The Medieval Warming Period was a localized event. See the graphs here: http://www.skepticalscience.com/medieva … ediate.htm

Hhm. Two guys comparing the length of something. What could that be about?

K, I think you meant cm. NJC, in your dreams.

Are you kidding, Amy? You can see Sarah Palin's house from the Yukon, flee from forest fires in Kelowna, go jogging in your shorts in January in Calgary, and freeze your testicals on Prince Edward Island , all on the same day. If you fly from one end of Canada to the other, you're practically 1/4 of the way around the world. Apologies to NJC for the rounding error.

Molson's Beer Commercial: Canada is the world's second largest land mass, the first nation in hockey, and the BEST part of North America! ... Thank you.

My patriotic spirit has been rekindled! En garde!

Bottom line, can I eat my hotdog salad tonight or not?