I like both of your versions. They're actually in the basement of the precinct building, ordered there by the "higher ups" to keep reporters and fellow detectives at bay. I like the idea of a reporter dogging the detectives at every turn, though. He could have his own secrets related to the case, maybe even sent there by the Antichrist.
Thanks
Dirk
Can you post it, Kdot?
I'm currently writing a scene from the viewpoint of one of two detectives hunting for a serial killer. My current draft includes two pages at the beginning of the scene where the POV character mulls over the case, which has been ongoing for a week. I use this to fill in the blanks since the previous chapter where the murder was discovered and the investigation began. Is two pages of (mostly) internal monologue too much to open a scene? Below is an excerpt.
...
Campagna sat back in her chair and rifled through one of many folders from one of many evidence boxes. She had stopped counting after processing her twelfth box on day three. De Rosa sat at a desk facing hers, reviewing days’ worth of security footage from around the residences where the three clerics had lived. He had taken to celebrating completed videos by crumpling a sheet of paper into a ball and attempting a free throw into the trash by the door. He had yet to make a single shot.So far, neither she nor De Rosa had come up with any clues, and she was beginning to doubt the answer lay in endless stacks of paper.
She mulled over the case in her head. With the permission of the Church, the bodies of Cardinal Ferraro and Bishop Rivera had been exhumed and were, like Cardinal Vitale, in the process of being autopsied. The fact that the Church had allowed the bodies to be exhumed suggested they were worried about something.
She and De Rosa had canvassed nearby residences to see if anyone had seen or heard anything around the time of the clerics’ estimated times of death. Just standard procedure, they had told the neighbors to minimize the chance of anyone alerting the press. A few reporters were sniffing around nonetheless, asking the Vatican uncomfortable questions.
The forensic analysis of the carpet under Cardinal Vitale’s body found no footprints or usable DNA except those of the cardinal, Father Coppola, and the paramedics. Dusting for prints had proved equally unhelpful. Somehow, a murderer had entered Vitale’s apartment and hung the cardinal without leaving a shred of evidence that anyone else had been there. It would have required great strength to pull the cardinal up half a foot from the chair, then tie the rope to the chandelier. Although Father Coppola couldn’t be ruled out entirely as a suspect, he didn’t appear to have the strength to do that by himself. More than likely, there were two killers involved.
The buildings in question were supported by a variety of workers, including maintenance staff, maids, doormen, and concierges. No one claimed to have seen anything unusual, although the killers could have been among them. Or, someone could have waited for one of the doormen to leave his station, perhaps for a bathroom break, and sailed right through. There was also no known link between the staff at Vitale’s apartment building and those of the lodgings of Cardinal Ferraro and Bishop Rivera at Domus Sanctae Marthae inside the Vatican. The only connection so far was three dead clerics in one week.
I could also write the scene as they go about investigating rather than telling it from the detective's POV as she mulls it over in her head, although that could become dreary depending on how much detail I add. The other option is for the two detectives to discuss all of the above as they review the case together, replacing the internal monologue with dialogue and beats. The problem with that is the "review" might seem contrived.
Thoughts?
Thanks.
Dirk
Thanks!
I managed to verify with Microsoft support staff that you can reinstall your standalone copy of Office 2016/2019 on another machine if your old one dies. It just requires a call to Microsoft for them to update their activation database. I'll check out LibreOffice before I punish my credit card for Office 2019.
Bill, although Open Office is still supported, most of the open source community has moved to LibreOffice (same original codebase). Nevertheless, stick with what works. Which office suite do you use to create your finished book for Amazon, Kindle, etc.?
Vern, there is a version of Office 2019 (successor to 2016) that is a one-time purchase (about $170) as opposed to Office 365, which is the subscription. I'd gladly shell out $170 for a one-time purchase since I rarely upgrade (12 years on Office 2007 and counting), but as far as I've read, you can only reinstall it on the same machine, which doesn't work for me. I upgrade (dead) hardware more often than software.
Thanks, Bill. I would love to buy MS Office 2019 (or 2016), but from what I've read, they only work on the machine on which you install it. If your hard drive or computer die, you have to buy another copy. Do you know if that's correct?
I'm considering upgrading from Office 2007 to something more current and am wondering what others use. I'd like to go with MS Office, but the various versions cost too much (either as a subscription or one time purchase). Google Docs is out because they don't have enough styles and their file compatibility with Microsoft Office was quite bad when I last tried it some years ago. OpenOffice and LibreOffice share the same original codebase, but LibreOffice apparently has more frequent, predictable releases. WPS looks great, but it's from the land of stolen intellectual property, so it's out too.
Suggestions?
Thanks
Dirk
you should remove everything after /ref= so that Amazon cannot track how users are arriving at your story (which may negatively impact your reviews)
Why would that negatively impact reviews? It's still a link to Amazon from a reputable site. They get their cut if someone buys.
If you want to use emoticons, wait until you see one in the forums and hit Quote on that post. It will show you how the icons are created. Or try Googling it. I'm old-fashioned and still use :-) ;-) 
etc. I figure if modern developers expect me to step into a driverless car someday, then they first have to detect the smiley faces everyone used for decades and automatically convert them into modern icons.
EDIT: I see the forum automatically converts ":P" into an icon, but not the much more common simple smiley.
The site works on a very old Android phone of mine, so I assume it works for newer ones too. Also, I believe Temple uses an iPad. Not sure about the iPhone.
Had an issue figuring out the chapter formatting.
I rewrote a new intro chapter which features the antagonist and provides more early engagement. It shows up on my book as Chapter 2, since it's the second thing I published. Not sure how to fix that.As it lays out now, Chapter 2 is actually the new Chapter 1, the previous chapter 1 is now chapter 2, but is being rewritten since I don't like it, and chapter 3 is...chapter 3! Hopefully I can fix it. Sorry for being such a noob.
If you click Portfolio->Action->Edit from your home page, then Content->Action->Edit from there, you can change chapter number, version number, or both. That way you can change the sort order of the chapters. If you want to change the order of your first two chapters, change chapter 1 to 3, 2 to 1, and then 3 to 2.
Royalties are fine, but the requirement to leave quotes exactly as in their Bible, that may be a problem. I'll have to email them a few examples.
Hmm. One of the publishers of a Bible I'm thinking of using for all quotes says I can use up to five hundred verses but must quote the verses exactly as they appear in their Bible. More quotes may require a royalty. Also, quoting them exactly limits my ability borrow material for use in new prayers such as the one Connor spoke during Alessandro's seizure. I need to check with the folks who publish the most common U.S. Bible, the NABRE. Maybe they'll have better terms.
Hi T.C. You may want to consider posting this message to Premium as well, so you get a wider pool of potential readers. There are probably fantasy readers on the site who don't belong to this group.
Your short story is only posted to your new group, which greatly limits who can read it. If that's intentional, then you're fine. However, many potential readers are maxed out at 10 groups and won't be able to join. Unless there's a reason why you want to restrict your readership, I suggest you use points and cross-post the story to Premium for maximum readership. By using points to post, your readers will receive points for reviewing it, so you'll probably get the most readers that way.
MJ, many of the groups are unused, so you may not get many members for your new one. If that happens post back here and one of us can steer you to an active group that may suit your writing.
What's your new group about, and what are you writing?
Dirk
Thanks, Amy. I'm still trying (and failing) to include a third prayer at the end of scene one. :-)
The light snow on the ground was blazingly white instead of slightly tarnished 'eggshell white'. Wonderful. Can't wait for the right eye now.
Bill
Soon you'll need sunglasses to look at the screen. :-)
Glad it went well.
thanks
This is better.
Romano cried, “Connor, behind you! Run!”
Connor jumped up, wide-eyed. The fog began to swirl around him. He tried to shake it off but couldn’t. The fog grew ever thicker. “I can’t breathe!”
Romano ran toward him but was thrown back like a puppet, causing him to crash into the wall and collapse.
Connor stopped trying to physically fend off the fog. Instead, he knelt, crossed himself, and prayed between gasps for air. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray.”
Romano rose and grabbed the monstrance. Holding it in front of himself, he forced his way through the fog and gave the vessel to Connor, then knelt by his side as he and Gallo joined him in the familiar prayer. “And do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.”
The fog whipped around the room several times, as if in a rage, and caused a loud roar. It then flew under the door, leaving the chapel ice-cold.
Romano and Connor both sighed and rose. Connor placed the monstrance back on the altar.
Thank you, both. Retrofitting that stuff into the existing scenes on the fly may not have been the best approach, since I forgot so much stuff. After the initial burglary, there should be a comment in scene 2.1 about the police sitting outside in a patrol car (the cardinal can comment about that, so I don't have to show it). Also, Romano and Cardinal Gallo should discuss the initial event. And once it occurs a second time, they shouldn't just sit in the chapel for a friendly chat. I'm already working on intensifying the "battle" between the fog and Connor in the chapel to up the ante. All of the above will keep me busy for at least a week given how little time I have right now for writing.
I am thinking about the next scene, though. I have some idea of what I want next in the hunt for the Antichrist, but I need to be sure I'm not moving too fast through that part of the story since it needs to go in lockstep with Connor, where I have at least four scenes left before the end of act 1. I may have to kill another clergyman in act 1 to get enough material for Campagna and De Rosa to chase down. I have the outline for Connor well-defined, but not the detective's hunt, which is slowing me down. There's only so many clergyman I can kill before the book becomes unfit for its target audience. I've already decided there have been more deaths than the three I wrote about, but they happened before the start of the book, so it's less gruesome. They took place around the world and the Church is trying to suppress the evidence to avoid scaring the world about what may be the Apocalypse, so I may send the detectives on a trip of their own in acts 2 and 3 that parallels Connor's tour of the Holy Land. TBD.
Thanks, Will. I'll see if I can figure out where else to use the fog before its encounter with Connor (and the prayer to St. Michael). I added the figure/fog after Kdot pointed out that in three scenes there was yet to be any danger to the MCs. I plan to include a discussion with Cardinal Gallo about the scene 1.1 in scene 2.1. Not sure how many more times I can use fog (for now) before the attacks against Connor turn physical.
Following are the changes to the two scenes so far related to increasing the threat to the MCs, as suggested by Kdot.
Scene 1.1:
As Romano turned the final corner, a shadowy figure shrouded by swirling fog came out of his office and hastened for the exit.”
“You there. Stop!” Romano ran down the hallway to catch the intruder, but whoever it was, had disappeared. The only thing that remained was fog and ice-cold air, both of which dissipated quickly. Romano’s heart pounded. He knelt and prayed for protection of the orphanage.
Romano rose and entered his office to see what the intruder might have taken. Everything looked as he had left it except that the Perpetual Adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
Scene 2.1:
Connor sat alone at the front of the chapel, staring at the monstrance. On one side of the room hung a locked exterior-facing door. Fog crept in under the door and moved in Connor’s direction.
Romano cried, “Connor, behind you! Run!”
Connor jumped up, wide-eyed, and saw the fog. He hesitated for a moment, then set his jaw and glared at it. He knelt, crossed himself, and prayed. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.”
The fog retreated back under the door. Connor rose.
Will just read 2.1 today and felt there wasn't enough setup for the threat. I don't think he saw the added material above in scene 1.1 since I didn't republish. I just inserted the new material into the already published chapters.
I should add that I forgot to include the initial threat of scene 1.1 in the discussion between Romano and Cardinal Gallo, the Secretary of State in scene 2.1. I'll fix that.
Anyone have any thoughts about whether the above material works in the chapters you've read?
Thanks
Dirk
Thanks. I'll try my approach and see if it works. It may be a while before the next prayer, though, which is probably a good thing.
