The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B. (Page 17 of 57)

Initial thoughts:

As Romano turned the final corner, he felt a chill in the air. He checked a vent. The heat still flowed. He heard rustling from his office. “Hello?”
--A lot of stage direction here; could be simpler / focused on the action rather than the reaction. "Rustle" is a very vague word, that I initially assumed meant paper
A shadowy figure shrouded in swirling fog rushed out, headed for the exit.
--IMO too specific for this early in the story. One wouldn't normally ell "stop" to a man-shaped cloud of fog-- most of us would be seeking an exit.
“You there. Stop!”
The intruder looked in Romano’s direction. More beast than man, it had curved horns and glowing red eyes. It let out a demonic howl that sent a chill down the father’s spine.
--Again, perhaps a bit strong for the early part. Specifically the horn. Use of sound is good, but you'd have just as much effect if it's just feral breathing
The end of the corridor filled with fog until the figure could no longer be seen. Romano summoned his courage and charged into the mist, but the intruder was gone. Only fog and ice-cold air remained, both of which dissipated quickly.
Romano’s heart pounded. He checked the doors, but they were locked, per usual at night. He ran into his office and grabbed a bottle of holy water from his desk, then rushed out and sprinkled it across the doors and floor while praying for protection of the orphanage.
He returned to his office to see what the intruder might have taken. Everything looked as he had left it except the Eucharistic Adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He would tell them it was someone in a costume to avoid sounding crazy, but he had to act. One or more of the boys might be at risk.
--His reactions to a ball of mist in his office seem practiced

I went back and deleted the horns. I decided there's a good story reason why those shouldn't be used.
The rustling was of paper. He stole a printed schedule.
It's not a man-shaped cloud of fog. It's a dark figure (e.g., a man who will only appear in shadows) surrounded by some amount of swirling fog. It could almost be explained as a guy wearing black clothing and black-face or a ski mask and costume-party contact lenses, and carrying dry ice. The part that makes him more than this is his ability to generate heavy fog and travel anywhere it can go (e.g., under doors). I'm trying to make scene 1.1 consistent with what Campagna and De Rosa see on the security footage in scene 2.2. I'm debating whether the orphanage doors are locked. If they're locked, Romano/the reader know this is a supernatural event, which is probably best to avoid for now. If they're unlocked, then Romano could reason the way I did above, which I think is preferable for this scene. He could think it was someone who entered the orphanage before the doors were locked for the night.
The howl is something a human can do, so Romano could reason that away too.

I think this works better:

Thanks for your help.

I think I've got it. Satan has been conspiring for two millennia to seize control of the Church, quietly replacing clergy with his own servants. That plan is finally coming to fruition with only a few key figures left to be replaced. It is those few who are murdered by some violent means. Nothing too gruesome so I don't lose my target audience, but sufficient to satisfy the Unholy Trinity's lust for vengeance against all Catholic clergy. Campagna and De Rosa don't need to investigate a lot of different murders since most of them already happened in the past. They do, however, uncover this ancient conspiracy during the course of their investigation. That puts their lives in danger as they rush to expose the conspiracy, making for more of a classic thriller story. Boy this is going to be complex.

The primary target audience is Catholics/Christians. It's heavy with Catholicism (e.g., two prayers in the first scene alone), so I'm not sure I'll attract a lot of non-religious readers. Given the target audience, I'm trying to avoid any gratuitous violence (e.g., my cadet slaughter in Galaxy Tales). Per my last post, I no longer need many deaths, so I can afford to be a bit grizzly. I'm glad, because I really wanted someone to be buried alive in the story. :-) Most key Church positions are already in the hands of Satan. I'll still need about 2-3 weeks elapsed time of detective story since Connor will be in the Holy Land that long. I'm debating having Campagna and De Rosa put in charge of a secret special ops team to hunt down the killer. Also Campagna and De Rosa will have targets on their backs once they uncover the conspiracy. De Rosa may be kidnapped. Not sure yet.

Tweaked my book blurb to switch from a serial killer to an ancient conspiracy. Not sure how far back in time to take it. It needs to be old enough that no one notices anything unusual about the deaths and replacements until Campagna/De Rosa begin investigating in the present day. By the time of the book, most key positions are in the hands of Satan. Only the Pope and a few senior clerics stand in the way.

The reduction in violent deaths to just a few may broaden my potential audience.

Lucasfilm finally dropped the Episode IX trailer. It's very short, but it looks really good. I'm a sucker for the Skywalker saga, so I'll probably see this one in the theaters. Haven't been to one in almost a decade. I hope I can avoid the spoilers until I get to see it. The title is interesting, since this is supposed to be the end of the saga.

I'm hoping Rey's mother turns out to be Mara Jade and that Luke never knew he was her father. That would clean up some of the canon, and it would help explain her extraordinary powers. I also love that you hear Palpatine's cackle at the end, although that could be just for the trailer. I think I may have mentioned in a previous post, Disney has added to the canon that Palpatine is Anakin's father, so he's Kylo's great grandfather.

You're in a complex dance

Interesting.