One thing you might try is browsing through Amazon's book covers for similar genre. Imitate whatever you think will result in the most clicks on our site.
Cool title by the way. If you want a laugh, have a look at the number of posts in my LOTE thread about possible titles. OCD on steroids. Kdot writes whole books in the time it takes me to pick a name.
It was better than your first one, but if you're willing to bend trademark rules, George's ship or a picture of the Tardis will get you more reads. Because the images on this site are so small, I don't know what's on your cover other than a (your?) face. The stuff to the left is too blurry. Maybe have the face looking at a futuristic ship launching. My working cover for Galaxy Tales evolved over time and yours probably will too. Word to the wise: I have OCD and sweat the small shit. Doesn't mean you need to.
Dirk B. wrote:Here's what I ended up with. A bit of a mix of everyone's advice. A full quote of Psalm 140 would put even Catholics to sleep, so I kept just the first few verses to remind a Catholic/Christian reader. I suspect I'll lose most non-Christian readers with the free chapter on Kindle (three prayers in the first scene). Obviously, the first draft is Catholic-heavy. I may scale it back eventually.
Romano’s heart pounded and he trembled. He knelt and prayed one of King David’s psalms for protection of the orphanage. “Deliver us, O Lord, from evildoers; protect us from those who are violent, who plan evil things…” The psalm’s lengthy verses calmed Romano. He finished with, “Amen.”
My thanks to everyone for their input. Any further suggestions are welcome.
Deliver me, O Lord, from evildoers;
protect me from those who are violent,
2 who plan evil things in their minds
and stir up wars continually.
3 They make their tongue sharp as a snake’s,
and under their lips is the venom of vipers.... yeah calming. All this fuss, and you could have just had the priest say: "God help us, please." Stripping the content and context should send you straight to hell.
I condensed (stripped) content for the reasons already given. I disagree that I stripped the context. People pray psalms all the time even though they're not David on the run from Saul. Technically, I actually "adapted" the psalm, which your Bible quote shows. Specifically, I changed "me" to "us", so I'm leaning toward saying adapted rather than prayed the psalm, even though it's a technical detail, IMO.
Your attention to detail is impressive.
Dirk
Since this is a private site and a draft copy, it might be acceptable to use a picture of George Jetson in his spaceship as the working cover. It would instantly make me curious to start reading.
Here's what I ended up with. A bit of a mix of everyone's advice. A full quote of Psalm 140 would put even Catholics to sleep, so I kept just the first few verses to remind a Catholic/Christian reader. I suspect I'll lose most non-Christian readers with the free chapter on Kindle (three prayers in the first scene). Obviously, the first draft is Catholic-heavy. I may scale it back eventually.
Romano’s heart pounded and he trembled. He knelt and prayed one of King David’s psalms for protection of the orphanage. “Deliver us, O Lord, from evildoers; protect us from those who are violent, who plan evil things…” The psalm’s lengthy verses calmed Romano. He finished with, “Amen.”
My thanks to everyone for their input. Any further suggestions are welcome.
You asked, so I assume you want the unvarnished truth that is me ...
:-)
Will/Temple, which of the three choices above do you prefer?
Thanks
Dirk
Or this:
Romano’s heart pounded and he trembled. He kneeled, crossed himself, and prayed King David’s Psalm 140 for protection of the orphanage from evil. The psalm calmed him.
Or this:
Romano’s heart pounded and he trembled. He kneeled, crossed himself, and prayed King David’s Psalm 140, beginning with, “Deliver us, O Lord, from evildoers; protect us from those who are violent, who plan evil things in their minds and stir up wars continually,” and ending with, “Surely the righteous shall give thanks to your name; the upright shall live in your presence. Amen.”
How about this?
Romano’s heart pounded and he trembled. He kneeled, crossed himself, and prayed one of King David’s psalms. “Deliver us, O Lord, from evildoers; protect us from those who are violent, who plan evil things in their minds and stir up wars continually.” The psalm contained a full thirteen verses, but it calmed Romano as he continued to pray. “O Lord, my Lord, my strong deliverer, you have covered my head in the day of battle. Do not grant, O Lord, the desires of the wicked; do not further their evil plot.” Romano sighed deeply as he spoke the final verses. “I know that the Lord maintains the cause of the needy, and executes justice for the poor. Surely the righteous shall give thanks to your name; the upright shall live in your presence. Amen.”
The only change I made is to convert references of me to us, since he's praying to protect the whole orphanage, and I cherry-picked parts of the psalm.
Dirk. B. wrote:On a related note, someone in the forums pointed out that most (all?) modern Bibles are copyrighted and some charge royalties. Some book publishers shy away from certain Bibles for just that reason. I may have to write a few letters to Bible publishers before settling on a final version. One of them (can't remember which) allows limited quoting (e.g. 500 short quotes). My preferred source of Bible quotes is the New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition. Say that three times really quickly.
How about quoting directly from King James bible? That one shouldn't be copyrighted, should it?
Kiss
Gacela
Thanks, Gacela, but the King James Bible is a Protestant Bible. A heavily Catholic novel needs Catholic Bible quotes.
Fortunately, I got a few suggestions above to experiment with before this thread went of the rails (as always). Small wonder no one uses the forums anymore.
Will, people work Bible quotes into their novels all the time, although mostly as simple phrases (e.g. turn the other cheek) without including the whole quote. Nevertheless, that's a great question for my Catholic forum. My second prayer borrows from Jesus's prayer to the Father before his arrest in Gethsemane.
On a related note, someone in the forums pointed out that most (all?) modern Bibles are copyrighted and some charge royalties. Some book publishers shy away from certain Bibles for just that reason. I may have to write a few letters to Bible publishers before settling on a final version. One of them (can't remember which) allows limited quoting (e.g. 500 short quotes). My preferred source of Bible quotes is the New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition. Say that three times really quickly.
Thanks, Vern. That's probably my best shot. I'll have to see how it reads once written.
Unfortunately, life intrudes. My mother is in the hospital and needs to go in a care home, so I'm scrambling to find something suitable before they dump her in the first available one. Calgary is a sprawling city, so it could take up to an hour each way if they put her too far away. Also, my car got hit, so I have to deal with that too.
I'm still tweaking the first three scenes since I don't have enough free time to focus on new stuff. Back to semi-normal in a few weeks.
Thanks for hanging in there.
Dirk
Correction. Psalm 140 - Prayer for Deliverance from Enemies.
My current WIP is a Catholic-oriented tale of the Apocalypse. Since it's mainly targeted at Catholics, and to a lesser extent other Christians, I'm not particularly afraid of using Biblical references, including prayers. I currently have two prayers in scene one, and I'm thinking of adding a third. The one I have in mind is psalm 120, but it goes on and on. Since three prayers in one scene is a lot (confirmed by one of my reviewers), I had thought to just mention that Father Romano prays the psalm for protection and then be done with it. However, I've since decided I don't like skipping prayers that I mention explicitly such as the psalm. I'd like to include the actual prayer, but cherry pick what the priest says. He essentially speaks a "new" prayer by incorporating the most relevant parts of the psalm. Once whittled down, each prayer will be only a few sentences (at most a paragraph), which doesn't seem excessive for a Christian novel.
Thoughts?
Thanks
Dirk
Good luck, Bill.
I took out the above prayer from scene one and made it a prayer spoken by Connor in scene three, when the fog first tries to approach him from under an exterior door in the chapel. In scene one, Romano uses Psalm 140, but without a direct quote since it's too long:
Romano kneeled, crossed himself, and prayed using King David’s Psalm 140, seeking protection for the orphanage from evil.
Kdot, thanks for your suggestions.
One more try. Please let me know if this third prayer is too much for the scene. We already have Romano's prayer about himself and Connor's prayer for Alessandro. It's kind of a cool prayer, which is why I'm thinking of including it.
As Romano turned the final corner, a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog came out of his office and hastened for the exit.”
“You there. Stop!” Romano ran down the hallway to catch the intruder, but whoever it was had disappeared. The only thing that remained was fog and ice-cold air, both of which dissipated slowly. Romano’s heart pounded.He kneeled and crossed himself. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; May God rebuke him, I humbly pray; And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.”
Romano rose and entered his office to see what the intruder might have been after. Everything looked as he had left it except that the perpetual adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to be in the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
Your character doesn't lack for flaws, but they're boring flaws. You've done a good job conveying how pathetic he is, but as Kdot said, he needs something that makes him interesting. Figure out something that is over-the-top interesting and introduce it early in the first chapter before readers have gone much beyond page one. Ideally your first paragraph and first sentence should really hook them. One idea I used in Galaxy Tales is that my two MCs hear voices. In their case it's mostly God, but you could have him talking to just about anyone. Pick your favorite character from history and do an extended dialogue between them, using it to show how lazy he is. Imagine all the inner dialogue your character could have with this mental traveling companion throughout your story.
Or not. :-)
Got rid of the boiler room elements, leaving me with the paragraphs below. I kept shadowy figure since he's a human-like entity that can switch between corporeal and spirit form at will. I haven't decided yet if the fog and cold air are an intentional calling card or a side effect of him straddling the two worlds.
As Romano turned the final corner, he thought he saw a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog walking out of his office and down the hall. “You there. Stop!” The figure turned the corner. Romano ran down the hallway to look, but the figure had disappeared. All that remained was the fog and ice cold air, both of which dissipated quickly. Romano’s heart pounded. He crossed himself and said, “The majesty of Christ commands thee…”
Romano entered his office to see what the intruder might have been after. Everything looked as he had left it except that the perpetual adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to be in the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
Kdot, how about this for the closing of scene 1 (the healing of Alessandro)?
As Romano turned a corner, he thought he saw a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog walking away from him. He blinked to be sure he was seeing correctly. The figure and the fog were gone. He walked down the hallway. It was so cold he could see his breath. Romano decided what he saw must have been an illusion, although the freezing temperature was real. He changed course, headed for the boiler room. Hopefully, whatever was wrong with the furnace could be fixed for little money. However, when he passed an air vent, he found it was blowing warm air. He stopped and frowned. What the devil?
Thanks to the hilarious comments, I’ve concluded that y’all are a bunch of real stand up comics. Much appreciated.
...real stand comics (no 'up')
My hobby is asking seemingly harmless questions that mushroom into nuclear war with hypersonic weapons. If that doesn't make the hair on your neck stand/stand up, then I/me don't know what will.
I went with Bill's suggestion of 'rose.' It sounds a little snooty, but it avoids me cringing the way I would if I wrote 'stood' without 'up.'
