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Thank you both. The terms online vary from article to article. Temple's terminology is straightforward, but it was a surprise that italicizing direct internal dialogue is no longer a given. That may be why my writing confused my reviewer. It probably varies by genre. I'll keep doing what I'm doing until there's a clear evolution to something better. Mixing direct and indirect internal dialogue in a paragraph without distinguishing them in some way, as with italics, is nonsense, IMO. One of the articles actually suggested it makes for a smoother read. Uh huh.

In your 3rd person subjective, do you keep the whole thing in past tense?

Welcome back, Will. And congratulations.

The last season of GOT sounds a lot like the last episodes of the British Merlin TV series. It was based on a young Merlin (late teens/early twenties) who serves a young Arthur in a land where magic is forbidden on pain of death (burning!). Merlin had some great episodes, lots of references to Merlin's and Arthur's destinies, a dragon, and supporting characters from the real-life legends of King Arthur and his knights. It built up to a near-hopeless battle against the magic-wielding Morgana and her forces. I won't give away the ending because some of you may be casting around for new shows to watch and I recommend it. However, the final episode is primarily about Merlin and Arthur really getting to know each other than it is about wrapping up the series. They do that, too, but it felt unimportant compared to the Merlin/Arthur arc. I've watched the last episode about a half dozen times. Merlin ran for five seasons and is currently streaming on Netflix.

I haven't watched the show and may never do so, but an arch villain dying by tripping down stairs sounds like something you would write. Have you forgotten your elevator full of restaurant patrons who escaped a mass killing from assault weapons only to plunge to their deaths in the elevator? And all that in a romance novel. I cheered the whole time.

Not really, although my outlines takes the form of nested bullets in Word. Whatever your format, try posting it as a short story and see if the structure survives the cut and paste. Short stories feature prominently on the home page, so you should get good visibility. Don't forget to set the genre. And review other people's work to build ongoing relationships and get more reviews in return.

One of my reviewers mentioned that I hadn't described anyone in my first 2 or 3 scenes before I took them down to rewrite. I'm curious to see what Seabrass says about the above description. I thought the version that Ann flagged was simpler, but it's "technically" not a way someone would think of their hair, so I made it more explicit with this version. Some people want me to be explicit while others, like Temple, call me pedantic. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like this version. She already told me to lose the one I had written in v1.

What do you think, am I better off having Romano look in a mirror to clean himself up?

Thanks, JP. I dropped cackle in favor of "demonic" chuckle. Lynn suggested using demonic as a way to avoid having to explicitly state that the intruder was a demon. It follows naturally from his description and the demonic chuckle.

I'm more familiar with the Emperor in Star Wars. There were times, especially in the 3rd prequel, where he had a deep voice, but his cackle became iconic. I wonder if they used special effects to deepen his voice in certain scenes.

It's a minor issue in one scene , so I'll stick with a deep voice. That also works better than a higher pitch given who the mysterious demon actual is.

Thanks, Bill