Topic: Too much internal monologue? - Writing Craft
I'm currently writing a scene from the viewpoint of one of two detectives hunting for a serial killer. My current draft includes two pages at the beginning of the scene where the POV character mulls over the case, which has been ongoing for a week. I use this to fill in the blanks since the previous chapter where the murder was discovered and the investigation began. Is two pages of (mostly) internal monologue too much to open a scene? Below is an excerpt.
...
Campagna sat back in her chair and rifled through one of many folders from one of many evidence boxes. She had stopped counting after processing her twelfth box on day three. De Rosa sat at a desk facing hers, reviewing days’ worth of security footage from around the residences where the three clerics had lived. He had taken to celebrating completed videos by crumpling a sheet of paper into a ball and attempting a free throw into the trash by the door. He had yet to make a single shot.So far, neither she nor De Rosa had come up with any clues, and she was beginning to doubt the answer lay in endless stacks of paper.
She mulled over the case in her head. With the permission of the Church, the bodies of Cardinal Ferraro and Bishop Rivera had been exhumed and were, like Cardinal Vitale, in the process of being autopsied. The fact that the Church had allowed the bodies to be exhumed suggested they were worried about something.
She and De Rosa had canvassed nearby residences to see if anyone had seen or heard anything around the time of the clerics’ estimated times of death. Just standard procedure, they had told the neighbors to minimize the chance of anyone alerting the press. A few reporters were sniffing around nonetheless, asking the Vatican uncomfortable questions.
The forensic analysis of the carpet under Cardinal Vitale’s body found no footprints or usable DNA except those of the cardinal, Father Coppola, and the paramedics. Dusting for prints had proved equally unhelpful. Somehow, a murderer had entered Vitale’s apartment and hung the cardinal without leaving a shred of evidence that anyone else had been there. It would have required great strength to pull the cardinal up half a foot from the chair, then tie the rope to the chandelier. Although Father Coppola couldn’t be ruled out entirely as a suspect, he didn’t appear to have the strength to do that by himself. More than likely, there were two killers involved.
The buildings in question were supported by a variety of workers, including maintenance staff, maids, doormen, and concierges. No one claimed to have seen anything unusual, although the killers could have been among them. Or, someone could have waited for one of the doormen to leave his station, perhaps for a bathroom break, and sailed right through. There was also no known link between the staff at Vitale’s apartment building and those of the lodgings of Cardinal Ferraro and Bishop Rivera at Domus Sanctae Marthae inside the Vatican. The only connection so far was three dead clerics in one week.
I could also write the scene as they go about investigating rather than telling it from the detective's POV as she mulls it over in her head, although that could become dreary depending on how much detail I add. The other option is for the two detectives to discuss all of the above as they review the case together, replacing the internal monologue with dialogue and beats. The problem with that is the "review" might seem contrived.
Thoughts?
Thanks.
Dirk