Kdot, what's your opinion of my supernatural entity being able to change shape at will between demonic fog, the dark figure with glowing red eyes, human, and one other yet to be revealed? Basically he's a shape shifter and can take on whatever form he wishes. I plan to limit it to about four different forms, one of which doesn't appear until the end of the book.
Thoughts?
That's great. Thank you, Seabrass.
I'm wondering what others think of my use of pronouns in the following excerpt from my WIP:
Romano said, “Connor, you’d better run along. Eucharistic Adoration is on hold until we can secure that door.”
Nnamani told him, “I’ve enjoyed hearing about your pilgrimage, Connor. I suspect we’ll meet again.”
Connor smiled.
Nnamani blessed him and he left. The cardinal then told Romano, “I’m going to assign two experienced exorcists to the orphanage, Father. Their role will be to protect him from further threats."
There are two pronouns that are technically ambiguous as to who I'm referring to. I rely on context to help the reader sort it out. The first could refer to either Romano or Connor. The second could refer to either Nnamani or Connor. Is the context sufficient to sort it out, or should I be more explicit?
Thanks
Dirk
Yes, although they're not pushing for it. It's my choice. Very few of them know I'm writing novels about the End Times.
Yikes! Someone on my Catholic forum quoted a Christian definition of atonement which states that Christ atoned for the sins of all humanity. That almost broke my trilogy. If there's no one left to redeem, then my ending wouldn't have worked. Fortunately, someone else clarified that it was only the righteous who were redeemed.
Thank goodness for sinners.
Dirk
I renamed Cardinal Aristotele Gallo, the Vatican Secretary of State, to Cardinal Akachi Nnamani, a black man from Africa. Too many Italian names in the story. Akachi means God's hand.
Hmm. One option for the kneeling/praying position of the deceased is glue. The glue would hold them in position until rigor sets in. That would give me a non-supernatural solution that delays the recognition of the crimes as being supernatural. The autopsies would find that the deaths were due to terror, but that still doesn't confirm it as supernatural. If you read scene 2.2, there remains a semi-plausible explanation for the dark figure with red eyes and fog on the streets outside Cardinal Vitale's building, and for the fog in the hotel hallways of the other two dead clerics. The first real confirmation that something supernatural is going on is in the chapel when the fog attacks Connor. It's Cardinal Gallo, the Secretary of State, who puts it all together (the autopsies, the attack on Connor, the dark figure, and the omnipresent fog).
Also this. Emphasis mine.
What other emotional states besides fear could lead to these fatal heart rhythms?
Any strong positive or negative emotions such as happiness or sadness. There are people who have died in intercourse or in religious passion.
One woman died while watching The Passion of the Christ in the theaters. Who knows, maybe J.J. Abrams will kill a few Star Wars fans from rapture.
Interesting.
A Charlotte, N.C., man was charged with first-degree murder of a 79-year-old woman whom police said he scared to death. In an attempt to elude cops after a botched bank robbery, the Associated Press reports that 20-year-old Larry Whitfield broke into and hid out in the home of Mary Parnell. Police say he didn't touch Parnell but that she died after suffering a heart attack that was triggered by terror. Can the fugitive be held responsible for the woman's death? Prosecutors said that he can under the state's so-called felony murder rule, which allows someone to be charged with murder if he or she causes another person's death while committing or fleeing from a felony crime such as robbery—even if it's unintentional.
I'm still working on the manner of death for the clerics. Part of the investigation will look backwards through several centuries of suspicious deaths recorded in secret Vatican archives. However, I think I need at least another three deaths after the first three.
I believe I have a workable cause of death: sheer terror. No physical violence. I'm reading up on physiological changes that happen in the body in response to fear, and they're quite extensive. I'll amp up the blood test results to the extreme end of the fear spectrum. I don't know if a person can die from terror directly, or if they simply have a heart attack or stroke caused by fear. Probably one of the latter.
I'm thinking all of the bodies will be frozen by rigor mortis while kneeling, hands together in prayer. Naturally, that position should be impossible since a dead body can't hold that pose long enough for rigor to set in. I considered giving them an expression of terror on their faces with eyes wide, but I think most religious people who know they're about die would close their eyes and pray. There will be a smell of blood, because some condemned prisoners are known to sweat blood when they're about to die; there are about a hundred documented cases, although I still need to verify that (Jesus may have sweat blood at Gethsemane). I'll reread my sources to see if there are other outward signs of fear.
Thoughts?
Hmm. Bookbaby just sent out a mailer that two of the biggest Christian bookstore chains have/are closing all of their stores. That puts a bit of a dent in my plan to target Catholics/Christians with my new books.
I'm still reworking the murder mystery half of my story, but I definitely need more murders than the first three. One of the reasons they send Connor to the Holy Land is to satisfy some skeptical members of the Pope's Council that he's not responsible for the deaths. So the deaths must continue when he is gone. The deaths are also necessary because the killer wants to maneuver his minions into positions of power. He's been doing it quietly for centuries, but now that he's almost ready to seize control, he wants to terrorize the remaining Church's leaders.
I'm hoping Rey's mother turns out to be Mara Jade and that Luke never knew he was her father. That would clean up some of the canon, and it would help explain her extraordinary powers. I also love that you hear Palpatine's cackle at the end, although that could be just for the trailer. I think I may have mentioned in a previous post, Disney has added to the canon that Palpatine is Anakin's father, so he's Kylo's great grandfather.
Lucasfilm finally dropped the Episode IX trailer. It's very short, but it looks really good. I'm a sucker for the Skywalker saga, so I'll probably see this one in the theaters. Haven't been to one in almost a decade. I hope I can avoid the spoilers until I get to see it. The title is interesting, since this is supposed to be the end of the saga.
I take a break like that after every chapter. :-) Fortunately, tax season is almost over. Give the horses a few green apples for me.
But, really! sixty-two pages of random words? Isn't writing supposed to have meaning?
I've read books that should be as well written as this thread.
I'm killing the specials ops team. Too much like ghostbusters. The Italian press would be all over it. Lacks finesse. Most of the mystery will involve just Campagna & De Rosa reporting to highly placed leaders to keep a tight lid on things. De Rosa will be ordered to report directly to Gallo, the Vatican Secretary of State, and Campagna will report to the Director General of the Italian police. That'll help control the name count as well.
Tweaked my book blurb to switch from a serial killer to an ancient conspiracy. Not sure how far back in time to take it. It needs to be old enough that no one notices anything unusual about the deaths and replacements until Campagna/De Rosa begin investigating in the present day. By the time of the book, most key positions are in the hands of Satan. Only the Pope and a few senior clerics stand in the way.
Fourteen-year-old Connor, an orphan in Rome, has special gifts. He comforts the grieving, heals the sick, and casts out demons from the possessed. As the Catholic Church struggles to understand his supernatural abilities, a police investigation into the deaths of several clerics in the city uncovers a centuries-old conspiracy to topple the Church from within. Soon the Pope’s Council of Cardinal Advisers concludes they are being stalked by the Antichrist, and Connor becomes his main target. The Council must move swiftly to save Connor, who may be their long-awaited Christ returned as a boy, something no one expected. Thus begins a desperate struggle between good and evil that will decide the fate of humanity.
The reduction in violent deaths to just a few may broaden my potential audience.
Changed shadowy figure to dark figure. I think shadowy was throwing people off.
The primary target audience is Catholics/Christians. It's heavy with Catholicism (e.g., two prayers in the first scene alone), so I'm not sure I'll attract a lot of non-religious readers. Given the target audience, I'm trying to avoid any gratuitous violence (e.g., my cadet slaughter in Galaxy Tales). Per my last post, I no longer need many deaths, so I can afford to be a bit grizzly. I'm glad, because I really wanted someone to be buried alive in the story. :-) Most key Church positions are already in the hands of Satan. I'll still need about 2-3 weeks elapsed time of detective story since Connor will be in the Holy Land that long. I'm debating having Campagna and De Rosa put in charge of a secret special ops team to hunt down the killer. Also Campagna and De Rosa will have targets on their backs once they uncover the conspiracy. De Rosa may be kidnapped. Not sure yet.
I think I've got it. Satan has been conspiring for two millennia to seize control of the Church, quietly replacing clergy with his own servants. That plan is finally coming to fruition with only a few key figures left to be replaced. It is those few who are murdered by some violent means. Nothing too gruesome so I don't lose my target audience, but sufficient to satisfy the Unholy Trinity's lust for vengeance against all Catholic clergy. Campagna and De Rosa don't need to investigate a lot of different murders since most of them already happened in the past. They do, however, uncover this ancient conspiracy during the course of their investigation. That puts their lives in danger as they rush to expose the conspiracy, making for more of a classic thriller story. Boy this is going to be complex.
As my post in premium describes, I'm trying to find a way to tone down the violence of the murder mystery half of my book. The main stumbling block is the fact that the Unholy Trinity hates the Catholic Church and the clergy with it. Not sure how to reconcile those. If the violence is excessive, I'll lose my target audience. Another concern is that, if the deaths are too repetitive, they lose their impact. I'm trying to address the latter with unique religious poses of each of the dead and different Bible verses at each murder scene. I can also add a look of horror frozen on their faces.
Suggestions?
Dirk
Saw your reply to my review. For what it's worth, your story did not strike as a panster. Just a little rough around the edges, which I'm sure you know how to clean up. The detective half of my story is mostly a pantser, which is why it fell apart. I saw the big looming problem (too much violence at a personal level for a Catholic novel) early on, but figured I would figure it out when I got there. Clearly that didn't work. So be it. I'm currently planning non-violent but mysterious deaths while adding Catholic elements to each body, including a Bible open to specific verses for each murder.
Thanks for your help.
I think this works better:
As Romano turned the final corner, he felt a chill in the air. He checked a vent. The heat still flowed. He heard rustling from his office. “Hello?”
A shadowy figure shrouded in swirling fog rushed out, its heavy footsteps pounding the floor as it headed for the exit.
“You there. Stop!”
The intruder looked in Romano’s direction and focused glowing red eyes on him, then let out a demonic howl. The sound sent a chill down the father’s spine.
The end of the corridor filled with fog until the shadowy figure could no longer be seen. Romano summoned his courage and charged into the mist, but the intruder was gone. Only fog and ice-cold air remained, both of which dissipated quickly.
Romano’s heart pounded. He checked the main doors and found them unlocked. It wasn’t like Father Calabrese to forget to close up for the night. He locked the doors, then ran into his office and grabbed a bottle of holy water from his desk. He sprinkled it across the entryway while praying for protection of the orphanage.
He returned to his office to see what the intruder might have taken. Everything looked as he had left it except the Eucharistic Adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to the chapel and at what times.
Romano tried to reason out what he had just seen. With that fog swirling, he hadn’t been able to see any of the intruder’s features, although Romano figured it was probably a male. Perhaps the man was dressed entirely in black from head to toe and wore costume-party contact lenses. If he carried dry ice, he could generate the fog and cold air. Romano shook his head. He didn’t really believe it, but what other possibility was there?
He dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He would explain his theory to the police to avoid sounding completely crazy, but he had to act. One or more of the boys might be at risk.
Hmm. If I have the doors be unlocked, readers will later wonder why the intruder unlocked the doors on the way out, when he can easily travel under them. I think Romano should assume Father Calabrese forgot to lock up and the intruder entered/exited that way.
