Did you ever watch Angels & Demons directed by Ron Howard, based on the book by Dan Brown? That film is the definition of a thriller. However, it included numerous deaths of police officers, three gruesome deaths of cardinals, and a fourth one that Tom Hanks foils. And let's not forget the hidden antimatter bomb that would kill thousands in St. Peter's Square.
EDIT: The film is way better than the book at maintaining suspense/action.
The cardinal deaths came to mind again while reading a recent review by Clairedeplume. I've been trying to minimize the violence in this story to make it as palatable for my target audience (mainly Catholics & Christians) as possible. It was one of the reasons why I chose suicide over murder as the cause of death for all four cardinals that will die in the story. It's also the reason I limited the number of deaths to four (two before Connor goes to the Holy Land, and two after he's there, eliminating him as an obvious suspect given his supernatural powers). It's eventually revealed that, historically, over the decades (centuries?) there were many dead cardinals who appeared to die by suicide.
Buried alive is my favorite of the bunch, which normally would be considered quite gruesome (the detectives think so), but I show the burial as it's happening and the cardinal just lies there peacefully praying while being buried. He can't fight the satanic being who wants to kill him (the being is too powerful), so he decides to allow himself to be buried to avoid extreme torture, which is an acceptable excuse for suicide according to the Church. In other words, he'll still get to heaven. FYI, the reason the satanic being doesn't want to kill him outright is that killing a prince of the Church comes "at a cost" (suffering) for the being.
I've been debating since the beginning making the cause of death non-violent for all the cardinals. The first dead cardinal could still show up in the cemetery, so most of the story remains unchanged. Even scene 1.2 (Cardinal Vitale's death) may be partially reusable, up to but not including his actual death, which would have to occur before he's buried. All of the cardinals would be positioned in the form of an upside down cross and would wear a ring engraved with the numbers 666, the mark of the Antichrist.
What do you think? Can a thriller maintain tension if the cause of the four deaths isn't violent or gruesome? I was thinking if no one knows how they die, that would maintain the tension. In other words, someone is stalking cardinals and killing them, probably using some unknown poison. The trick becomes how the Antichrist gets the poison into them without it being obvious.
Thoughts?
Dirk
Fourteen-year-old Connor sat cross-legged on the ground, watching the early evening sky turn orange with the setting sun.
Thanks, njc. I need early evening to make it clear to the reader that there is still enough time left for the whole scene to play out (at least an hour before darkness). Needs tweaking. If the (whole) sky is already orange, there isn't enough time. And, yes, watching is better.
Thanks
Dirk
Not quite sure I need any commas in this sentence, but I thought I'd ask. Maybe before observing?
Fourteen-year-old Connor sat cross-legged on the ground observing the early evening sky turned orange by the setting sun.
I came across this article a few years ago and tried taking it to heart. I switched comma-then to "before" which, technically, solves the problem, but didn't sound natural. As for his reference to the Bronte sisters, he obviously hasn't read Wuthering Heights in a while. The language of literature has changed substantially since then and continues to evolve. Multiple excellent writers on this site have since convinced me that comma-then is just fine.
Regrettably, this forum appears to be dead. The original post from Sole Rivets is four years old. One of the active forums is in the Medieval/Fantasy Magic group, which has attracted an eclectic group of writers, including sci-fi, fantasy, and mine, a supernatural thriller. Each member of the forum generally creates a brainstorming thread usually named "story name by author name". We use them ask questions of each other about our stories, and the group usually responds in a reasonable amount of time.
My current WIP is a Catholic-oriented supernatural thriller based on the Book of Revelation. Although I use numerous Catholic sources, there's nothing like having a knowledgeable Catholic to read it. I'd be happy to swap reviews.
About this Series: The End Times have come, and the Unholy Trinity — the Antichrist, the False Prophet, and Satan — is gathering for war. But the Bible has already foretold their doom: Jesus Christ will return in power and glory to conquer evil forever. In a desperate bid to avoid an eternity of torment in the Lake of Fire, Satan has issued one last challenge to God the Father that could upend the prophecies, destroy the Messiah and his Church, and give Satan everlasting dominion. But why would the Father agree to such a dare? What is so important that he would risk it all? Find out in this exciting series who ultimately becomes … Lord of the Earth.
About this Book: Fourteen-year-old Connor, an orphan in Rome, has special gifts. He comforts the grieving, heals the sick, and casts out demons from the possessed. As the Catholic Church struggles to understand his supernatural abilities, a police investigation into the deaths of several cardinals in the city uncovers a centuries-old conspiracy to topple the Church from within. Soon the Pope’s Council of Cardinal Advisers concludes they are being stalked by the Antichrist, and Connor becomes his main target. The Council must move swiftly to save Connor, who may be their long-awaited Christ returned as a boy, something that seems to defy Scripture. Thus begins a desperate struggle between good and evil that will decide the fate of humanity.
Thanks
Dirk
As long as you can work out the orbital mechanics, go for it!
A planet that "revolves" (moves in a circular trajectory) around two different suns in a "figure eight"? Forget about reality--you left that a long time ago. (As have all the other authors who postulate two suns per planet.) Just relax and enjoy the unique world you have created!
Actually, astronomers have already found binary star systems with planets. If I remember correctly, the planets tend to orbit both stars, like Tatooine in Star Wars. And let's face it, watching sunset with John William's music was awesome.
Scene 3.1 is back up.
Thanks
Dirk
Had to take 3.1 (the funeral) down. Turns out I wrote almost all of it in the form of telling. Duh. Should be back up later this week.
I have a new, small prologue up, and scene 3.1, the funeral of Romano's former lover. I've been looking forward to writing scene 3.2, where Campagna first meets De Rosa's godson. She's going to spiral as badly as Romano in 3.1. After that, Connor "observes" an exorcism. :-)
I have things like time of death for the corpse, which falls in a range of specific times. It's not just the Italians. I speak German and would need to convert their way of expressing time to American if writing in English. Think of it as UK time.
Kdot, I tried using international time as opposed to American in the story as you suggested, and it turns out, international time is mostly used for official purposes (e.g., airports, train stations, etc.). In Italy, spoken time is so complex it's not worth the effort to convert it to English. I had a mishmash of different ways of presenting it (one for narrative, another for spoken when am/pm is obvious, another when am/pm is not known, etc.). I finally settled on hours:minutes a.m. and hours:minutes p.m. I can die happily now.
If the planet is moving around the large sun and the small sun is close enough to "seize" the planet into its orbit, I would think there's no way to get it back out of the small sun's orbit. NJC would definitely know better than I would, though.
There was a bit of a site hiccup earlier this evening as I was cleaning up my prologue (it showed chapter one instead). That problem is now gone. The "latest" chapter showing on the home page should be the prologue. I wanted to open the story with a bit of a thrill.
Thanks
Dirk
I haven't started reading yet, but one thought that springs to mind is to create a list of all chapters and a list of information "items" in chapters 2 through 4 that you want to move elsewhere. Map the items against the chapters (where would/could you move the items without breaking the story). That's your to do list.
I'm oversimplifying, but you get the idea. You may also decide if some items of information can be eliminated entirely. Cut, cut, cut.
Now that you've published a couple of chapters, post a note in Premium introducing yourself, describing your story, the problem you're trying to fix, and asking for reviewers. You should get a pretty good response. I'll review them as soon as the sun comes up.
Cool book cover, by the way.
I do it inline when appropriate, otherwise I do it in the summary. Had I cared about the half point, I would have switched to a regular review. I found a bug, I reported it. I would appreciate it if people would stop hijacking this thread to teach me how to do reviews.
I frequently submit inline reviews shy of five. They always save. This is the first time I can recall that I left no comments and submitted just the summary. It gave no error message but didn't save. That's the bug.
Sol, I just discovered that it is not possible to save an inline review unless there is at least one inline comment (at least I think that's the problem). I read a very short chapter (0.5 points) and found nothing to nit, so I just left a summary comment and clicked submit (I didn't care about the half point). The review wasn't saved. I had to switch to a regular review to save my summary comment. I won't complain about the half point I gained, but the system didn't warn me that the inline review hadn't been saved.
Dirk
I definitely prefer shorter posts. It makes it much easier to review parts in one sitting, which is why my current WIP splits each scene out as a TNBW chapter, same as what you did for Maiden. Rather than split the short story Into multiple short stories, I suggest publishing it as a book on this site.
I just finished writing the part for the medical examiner. There are seven references to her, but she's in a room where meeting participants did a round of introductions. I didn't actually write any introductions (too boring); I just said they happened. I think that means she needs a name like everyone else. The director general's there too.
My current WIP is set in Rome, and most of the characters are Italian. My major characters have both first and last names (e.g., Gregorio Romano). Since many Italian names are rather complex for English speakers, I'm trying to limit the total number of foreign names. As a result, I'm wondering what to do about secondary characters. Should I give them names, or try to refer to them by just their role or title (e.g., medical examiner, director general)? For example, the medical examiner will give a verbal briefing of an autopsy, then disappear for at least several chapters, if not permanently. I had a senior constable in one scene whom I referred to solely as senior constable. However, I also had a nameless chief inspector but was eventually convinced by a reviewer to give him at least a last name. Referring to him as chief inspector over and over became too much.
Thoughts?
Dirk
