JP, are you saying that people are using past pefect when they should be using simple past? I seem to be the exact opposite. I prefer simple past for a few of the questions where past perfect is the "correct" tense. Language evolves, and I write the way I speak, which is pretty gooder.
Did anyone notice the missing comma before the coordinating conjunction in question 3? 
Don't mess with me.
Dirk
njc, have you ever wrestled with a cigarette lighter adapter? I installed a TomTom GPS device from Staples in my car and the adapter requires real force getting it in/out of the socket. I thought I was going rip a hole in the dash, I had to pull so hard. It's a 2006 Canadian Honda Accord, but these things are supposed to be a standard size in North America. No? (I read online tonight to try turning the adapter as you pull. Haven't tried that yet.)
Thanks
Dirk
Three of the four are known by the time the reader hits the second paragraph, so there is only one new name, that of Lady Kay.
Thank you both.
Could someone please critique the following paragraphs for me, especially the second. I've received feedback in the past of dumping too much information too soon. We're in Apollo's POV.
EDIT: I included paragraph breaks suggested by NJC.
“Who are you talking to, asinus?” Caligula asked.
Asinus. Latin for ass. Few people Apollo knew ever cursed in the Universal Tongue, the language of the ruling elite and diplomacy. To do so was considered highly uncivilized. So the brothers fell back on Latin, even making up new words on the fly.
The above is very early in the book, in chapter two, where we first meet Apollo. The fact that Caligula swears in Latin seems like the right place to mention that they (almost) always curse in Latin, and why.
"No one, Bastardus,” Apollo said.
Bastardus. Short for Bastardus Minusculus. Coined by the emperor to humiliate Caligula in public. This was in retaliation against Caligula’s mother, Lady Kay, who fled Earth after her son’s birth, vowing never to marry Apollo’s scary father, Emperor Nero Julius Caesar Augustus VII. Were it not for her flight, Caligula, not Apollo, would be the Imperial heir.
Here, the fact that Apollo calls Caligula by the epithet coined by Nero seems like the right place to explain it. Each sentence builds on the previous one, ending with why Caligula is not the heir. I mention earlier in the chapter that Caligula is illegitimate, so it needs explaining somewhere, even though it's not critical to this scene. I'm using it flesh out an important piece of history.
Thoughts?
The definition of a savior is that the person is aware of evil and tempted by it but chooses good. So I approve of the evil soul addition.
I hadn't really planned to tempt Joseph so much as scare the hell out of him. His ghosts will increasingly become part of a hellishly integrated whole, although most of his downward spiral comes in book two. He needs to fight Billie to remain in control. She will slip out, however. Of course, the more he lets her out, the greater her ability to do so unexpectedly. Without intending it, these integrated ghosts have evolved to be rather similar to Alia and the Baron in Children of Dune.
R2D Too
Next thing you know, I'm moving out of the house!
There's a slightly used igloo for sale here. Comes with its own indoor outhouse.
Technically, God won't battle Billie. Joseph will. And, if God is to be believed, Billie winds up there because Joseph sacrifices someone critical to his quest who could have warned him not to save Billie from the fire. The Bible varies as to whether the antichrist is one person or many. I'll probably refer to it in the singular, making it a more potent evil.
Regan claimed to be the devil, but reacted to tap water as if she was being burned by holy water. Not sure what to make of that.
I think the version of the Exorcist I saw was a director's cut or something. It would have been rated X in 1973 (e.g., Regan stabs her vagina (not shown) repeatedly with a cross, saying f*ck me, and bleeding profusely). Lots of R-rated cursing as well.
I just watched the Exorcist for the first time in decades. Holy cow! I had to turn on the lights to finish watching it. This is a good night to reread the Gospels before bed.
The scene above with its nod to the Exorcist will probably be the moment when Joseph finally realizes he's harboring evil. There'll be innocent-looking clues leading up to it, of course. Her deep voice, just an unusually sore throat. Her eyes rolling up in her head, just her life fading from her little body. Naturally, Joseph coaxes her back from the brink. Just a day's work when you're a prophet.
Norm d'Plume wrote:I'm also upping Billie's role to Anti-Christ.
this could be interesting. causing conflict and upsetting His plans.
Pfft. Conflict is for toddlers:
Billie seizes control over Joseph's body, turning his head until it's facing behind his body.
With furious effort and a roar, Joseph reasserts control. He jerks his head to face forward and his eyes go wide. He tells Andrew, I swear, if I hadn't stopped her, she would have twisted my head right off!
;-)
We will vigorously defend our coastline like our long-running war against the Danes for Hans Island (a war we are winning right now).
Think I'm kidding?
http://www.worldatlas.com/articles/hans … flict.html
Flip a damn coin. Problem solved. Of course that assumes they can agree on whose currency to use.
She'll be speaking Amerlish before you know it. Check her writing for the Oxford Comma.
Didn't you know? It was outsourced to Russia. They do an excellent job. Seen regularly off our coast.
Can I interest you in a gently used igloo? Doubles as a source of fresh water. Avoid the yellow parts.
I just found an extra use for Queen Aussie: Joseph's closest advisor (via Galaxinet) in developing the Christian Heresy. A homicidal droid in drag developing humanity's greatest religion. As always, this shit just writes itself. I'm also upping Billie's role to Anti-Christ.
I only just realized today that Bill, like Janet R., is from down under. And with both Kdot and me from I'm Freezing My Ass Off, that leaves only two people not using the Queen's English. They're easily identified by their orange complexions, well-coiffed rat pelts on their heads, and Nasty Women for Trump t-shirts. I would plan for a spike in emergency room visits on Nov. 8-9, Amy. Prime those muskets, NJC, in case Trump, Inc. gets the launch codes.
Loose lass
Exlax
@Bill K: Spoiler: Lady K is the best character ever. Waaaaay better than Dr Ess or Queen Aussie
Wait until you see what I do with Mistress Billie! Gods this draft is going to be fun!
This is a tough one. having not read to the end yet, this 'real or imaginary' concept puts a heavy assumption in the readers head. The chances that two galactic young leaders suffering from delusions are slim so from reading this I would think God obviously has a hand in this, that there is some kind of cosmic master plan at play here, beyond the understanding of human beings. As a scifi reader I'd be looking for something like this. This story promises this. The title promises this. In the synopsis you lay out a major plot twist, and a scifi reader like me could feel that they might be cheated if they invest in this story. This could be end up being about mental illness and not about high cosmological/theological concepts, or left open ended.
I have a question that will help me better understand how to approach this.
Without spoiling the details in final act of the story, have you made a decision on whether these boys are both delusional, or is God real in the Biblical sense, real is a high scifi conceptual sense, or is one delusional and the other not?
I address the chances of two young leaders having mental illness, beginning in chapter two, where I introduce the boys at various ages. I introduce God in Joseph's head at age 4 in 4005 AD. I introduce God in Apollo's head at age 7 in 4010 AD (Joseph is two years older than Apollo). I also establish that Joseph and Apollo are royal cousins (Empress Elizabeth is the sister of Queen Mary). Finally, I explain that mental illness runs in both families. My goal is for the odds of mental illness vs real God to be 50/50. I then walk a drunken line between the two possibilities, having fun throwing out clues one way, and then the next. It's a trilogy and I won't reveal the true answer until the end of book three, but I already know how I plan to end it. However, it's a long way to the end of the third book, and I may think of an even better ending.
If this is for a query, then there are things that need to be added to this. Like the title, word count, comps (similar books to visualize the plot) and classification for the story. IMO, you can't use the query for a blurb or synopsis. These need to be crafted individually.
Example:
INTO THE MIND OF GOD is a 75K HF novel set in the 41st century. Comps are STAR WARS meets the movie CALIGULA. The story centers around Joseph and Apollo, teens who grow up worlds apart but are both visited by a being who calls himself God. By cooperating and resisting divine intervention, both boys travel the universe as they fulfill their destinies. Apollo, heir...
You get the idea.
Helpful. Thank you. Nevertheless, it's a good starting point.
"Mentally ill" is a polite word you're used to hearing used as a weapon against you if you suffer from any a mental health problem. I would recommend saving such a word for character speech. Used in the right place, it will really colour your principals. Used while I'm making a buying decision, it will worry me.
Many things in this book have the potential to be offensive to various groups (the mentally ill, gays, Christians, Italians, Japanese, ...). For better or worse, it's the correct word. What makes it seem strong is the stigma modern society still attaches to being mentally ill. The end of the trilogy is very uplifting to many who are "different", although it'll take me a decade before I finish it at my current pace. I'll get lots of attrocious reviews on Amazon for this book in the meantime. I'm not doing it to sell so much as to keep my mind active. Is there a worst seller list on Amazon?
Mentally ill is very very strong? That's news to me, but so much the better. Mentally challenged doesn't quite have the same drawing power. And if God isn't real, then these two are seriously ill, especially after I put Billie in Joseph's head and Nero into Apollo's head.
What you presume to be the central theme?
Oh dear. You've read all of v2 and aren't sure of the theme. Curious. What do you think the theme is?
