Oddly, I didn't mind Bombadill on my latest reread.
What would be your reaction if you saw the epigraph about the collapse of civilization at the beginning of the next chapter (the attack on the royal palace)? The only tenuous connection between them is that the collapse and the Warming lead to a mass exodus from Earth, which leads to the founding of New Bethlehem.
I'm wondering what to do about my long Galaxinet articles (the Great Collapse, the rise of the Imperium, starlanes & stardrive, Julii naming conventions, etc.). I definitely want to use them, since they not only give detailed explanations of elements of my universe that I otherwise couldn't include, but also serve as fun cameos. They're 2ish pages each, which is a lot for an "epigraph". As much as possible, I'm trying to use them with chapters with which they are at least somewhat relevant, but that doesn't always fit (e.g., the Dr. Ess epigraph would have to appear at the top of the chapter where Joseph and family are attacked in their palace).
I'm wondering if I should set them up as separate mini-chapters between the actual story. That leaves me with the 2+ page ludicrous epigraph about Mama's death (where Bunny Divine schemes her way into the senior anchor's role). It fits best at the top of the chapter where the commando team goes into the Realm to try and get him, although I suppose I could drop it in between chapters, too.
And yet, there is the epigraph (Janet TP's cameo) that gives background on the Demon poisons used throughout the story. It's only half a page and would fit nicely at the head of the chapter where Apollo learns that his father has been killed by poison. I also want one that gives a little history about the founding of New Bethlehem, which will be at most a page, and would fit best with the chapter noted above about the attack against the royal family.
Confused? Welcome to my world. I could put them all at the head of relevant chapters, but Dr. Ess's epigraph won't fit well, as noted above, yet really needs to come before many of the others (e.g., the rise of the Imperium has to be explained after the Great Collapse). It's the one that's primarily screwing this up.
Regardless, Seabrass may clobber me for not weaving them into the actual story. :-)
Thoughts?
It also explains my writing style. Deep POV? Wazzat?
Hmm. I used to write technical manuals...
Ox needed for ploughing.
4017 - 15 years, 4017 - 12 years ...
If you wrote, Ex: Apollo was
eleven when he first heard God, and it was his last good day. ( No need for dates or times to keep track of...go straight into brother dynamic...start chapter with a hook and forewarning.)
Whatcha think?
Thanks. Will ponder.
Flake that I am, I'm now leaning back toward keeping all three time jumps in the same chapter. As Dr. Francis wrote in the distant future (7329 AD), the original purpose of the single/combined chapter (4 short scenes) was a brief biography of the MCs' formative years before the main story begins. My other purpose was to document when God entered each of their lives. I think Dr. Francis's biography gives me cover to do it all in one chapter.
Although I can't remember exactly, I've seen either movies or shows that have done it. One was a countdown to a bomb exploding.
MASH did it (counting forward) with a surgical procedure in which a critically wounded patient only had something like 20 minutes to live while they waited for another terminally ill soldier to die so they could harvest a body part. They had the clock onscreen the whole time.
Like I said, if it's a dud, I can easily yank them and all I've lost is a few hours working on a precise timeline. I did it for v2 as well.
No other book does it? Now you're just egging me on.
Give me a break. It's a countdown to doomsday. If it doesn't work, all I have to do is yank out a few lines of text. It won't hurt to have the timeline nailed down, either way.
I used End of Days and made the changes to my offline copy. It comes across very well. So much so, I'm going to continue the countdown in later chapters, whittling it down to months, weeks, and then days until Caligula attacks. The only hard part is figuring out the exact timeline so I can count down to zero. I'll finalize it after v3 is written.
Nah. Think of what it feels like to have a countdown to the End of Days without knowing what exactly that means. All you know is that Dr. Jorge Francis is alive and writing a biography of the teens in 7329 AD (if you pay close attention to the attribution in chapter two's epigraph).
Burnt Offering is decent as a possible name for 4017, referring to New Bethlehem, although it doesnt seem epic enough.
Slaughter of the Sacrificial Lamb is great, but too long.
The Slaughter? The Horror? Meh.
Annihilation is good, but too close to Apocalypse.
The Seeds of Ruin is decent, referring to the trigger for the Long Night to follow in the next book.
The End of Days serves as good misdirection, which I love to do.
The Lake of Fire is also good.
Well, currently I use the following approach for each jump: 5 Years Later - 4010 AD. The countdown is a little more wordy, but not that different. It needs a better name than Wrath of God, though.
A few years ago, I considered making all dates relative to 4017. So 3994, for example, would have become 23 BA (Before Apocalypse) etc., and dates in later books would have been AA. I abandoned that as too complex, due to the detailed history I have to tell, but a countdown in these first chapters toward the "present" would be easier to grasp than the current randomish jumps forward. It also builds a little excitement, I think, the closer you get to liftoff.
One thought that has occurred to me is, if I split the current chapter in two, then I will have three chapters in a row with different dates (3994, 4001 & 4006, and 4017). Yuck! It still seems slightly better to split them, though.
What if I give the year 4017 a name such as the Wrath of God and make all dates relative to it? Instead of a series of absolute dates, I can use something like this: 3994 A.D. - 23 Years Before the Wrath of God. That would make it into a countdown toward 4017, rather than arbitrary-seeming absolute dates.
Thoughts?
I'm exhausted. Responding to Amy and Seabrass is Herculean work. This time around it was Seabrass who rewrote my stuff. And his is much gooder. v4, anyone?
Oxytrump.
Yeah, Seabrass killed me with his review. Amy not so much, since I addressed a lot of her concerns from the last draft.
I agree that it's dense, K, but not for the reason you mentioned. I set out to create a much richer chapter, including introductions to a lot of concepts that will subsequently be fleshed out as the story goes. I'm hoping to create much denser chapters throughout, providing for a richer read.
Obviously, I need to get them both involved with God at an early age, so that He doesn't simply appear to both of them in 4017 for the first time. That would blow away any possibility that this might be mental illness.
I could split the chapter in two, which might reduce the apparent time jumping. There are three here: Joseph at age 4, Apollo at age 7, and then 4017. If I split it, then we have Apollo and Joseph when they're young, and then both in the year 4017 in the next chapter.
I've been knocked upside the head before about info dumps. In this case, I put it all in the POV of the MCs. I don't want to stretch out the lives of the two kids when they're little with a lot of unnecessary filler content. However, if I split the chapter in two as mentioned above, I can slow it down a little.
Amy, if you're reading, the reason the epigraph tells you up front what is in the chapter is because it's difficult to navigate three time jumps for two boys of different ages. The epigraph helps the reader follow that. Those jumps are also the reason this chapter couldn't be chapter one - I felt it was too complex as an opening chapter. Also, now that Admiral Windsor comes back from the dead, I have the connection I've been trying to create between the two chapters.
I have to think some more if I want to split this in two.
Let me know if you think it will help.
Thanks
Dirk
Thanks for the review. I'll respond tomorrow.
Upon rereading, I don't care much for the three E's. Fortunately, there are a whole bunch of ways not to say radiated: sent forth, bathed in (for the receiver), arose, brimmed, manifested, etc. And spat venom will probably be reserved for Billie.
I'll resume reading now, since I'm behind on my recips.
Also, if you have chapter names (or numbers) in your book, you can use the styles on the right side of the Home ribbon (in Word 2007) to apply a Heading style that should automatically start your chapter title on a new page. You can also "edit" the style to make it more to your liking. If you decide you want to reformat all of your chapter titles later, you simply edit the style again, and all text using that style will be automatically updated throughout the book.
Problem fixed. The three E's: emitted, exuded, emanated. Haven't used 'gave off' yet, since it's kind of dull. Still thinking about shone, since it's a visual, whereas the others are something you can feel without seeing them. I'm on the fence about dazzled.
Thank you, Kdot.
Dirk
EDIT: How about 'The admiral's presence spat venom.'? That's cool.
What about putting a summary of the book on the back in a font that matches or comes close to the one on your front cover? Or perhaps endorsements written by people who've already read it, preferably by published authors..
I reread it from your perspective. Those radiates stick out like a sore thumb. Will fix. Admiral Windsor was hoping for a real review. She's currently exuding boiling lava. :-)
Tada! v3 of chapter two is finally up (in the v3 book, of course). As before, it introduces the two MCs at various ages. Nevertheless, about 75% is new and, hopefully, more interesting.
I've introduced the concept of ghosts "radiating" their emotions/characteristics, which gives me tons of freedom to explore how those characters feel. Chuckling has therefore been eliminated in favor of things like: God radiated mirth. Ghosts can also radiate combinations of emotions/characteristics all in one simple sentence: she radiated mirth and tenderness, but with a touch of urgency and worry.
I added a new character to v3, which ties this chapter together with chapter one (formerly a prologue). Amy will be so proud.
Quick, go read!
Biggest alligator in the world is the black caiman. Lives in the Amazon rainforest around the freshwater Amazon river. Grows up to about 20 feet and weighs over one thousand pounds.
Double jeopardy? Bring it on!
Weakness: no visual of anything bookie. Could you put something like a book around the title? Otherwise this cover looks like something about a teen martial artist.
The cover is great. If you want to add books, I suggest a few "old" books (e.g., with a few pages hanging out of them, some unknown symbols on the covers, etc.) strewn on the ground. I think new books would ruin the otherworldly effect of the above cover.
