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New topic. Gratuitous violence. I have lots. I'm debating scaling back the violence, perhaps to a PG-13 level. I noticed in the latest Star Wars that the stormtroopers were actually hitting their human targets in the opening scene. I never knew they could aim. And who doesn't love a stormtrooper with a flamethrower in the dark of night?!

I don't mind blowing up 100 million souls on New Bethlehem since you never see it happen, kinda like Alderaan. I can definitely scale back the wanton slaughter of the cadets on the parade square. No need to mention their severed body parts, the gathering flies, etc. I want to keep Colonel Montford's severed arm since he just keeps going like pink bunny on rocket fuel. Billie (formerly Anikh) needs to die in Joseph's arms in order to pull off two critical plot developments, including her showing up in Joseph's head. However, she could die of simple smoke inhalation. No need to blast her.

I would miss Ensign Ecks charging headfirst into the line of fire, blowing out the chests of one Classiarii after another, while howling "For the Realm!" (Amy wrote that, probably after double duty in the ER, treating mass shooting victims, pumped up on six cups of Starbucks espresso, extra sugar). It's a great scene, showing his courage in the face of death. And I absolutely love the howl. However, he also gets decapitated and his head rolls toward the admiral, eyes still open. The decapitation can go. I guess the chests blowing out needs to go, too. Not sure about the latter.

More violence happens on Earth where Apollo's father executes young William at the Colosseum. Also, there's the staged assassination against the emperor. I have a lot of bodies in there, too. Also, Caligula gets part of his head blown off there, although that has to stay in order to make him a cyborg. I also toss some of Mama's guards out of a flying vehicle and plow the rest into a building.

And let's not forget space battles. Those are sufficiently sanitized to keep. I blow up a few worthless characters. Meh.

Last, but not least, Joseph blows the admiral's head off. That stays!

That's most of it.

Thoughts?

aproposal

Where no tribble has gone before.

Charles, did you intend for your last example to show as one paragraph? I can't decipher it.

I find the above difficult to read because I'm not sure who is thinking. Here's my amateur solution:
Jill hit Jack with a spoon. How dare he say vanilla ice-cream tastes bad.
"What did you do that for?"
"You're mean!" I need to play hard-to-get.
I have no problem combining a character's thoughts, actions, and dialogue in the same paragraph as long as they're related.

Porcus flavius.

Congonamas

Janet, do you want us to continue reviewing your current online copy? I believe I owe you a review.

Hi, Jessi. Are you able to post in the Premium forum? I'm not sure many active members read posts in this forum. Premium reaches the widest audience.

Welcome to the site!

Amy, I've now got poo, cow farts, and elephant gas. (Shut up, K. I know you're thinking it.) I think I'm going to make poo Joseph's major curse word, for which he regularly gets in trouble from the admiral. For the rest, I'm going to see just how many unique ways I can have him say gas/fart/burp/turd. There may be a serious s-bomb in his future, in the Elite Tongue of all things!

Joseph says cow farts to God.

I'll be sure to discuss this particular contribution of yours in the acknowledgements section. :-)

P.S. Go back one post, please, and let me know what you think. The Dr. Ess writeup probably has to go at the beginning of chapter three, since I have others that need to follow. Problem?

I'm wondering what to do about my long Galaxinet articles (the Great Collapse, the rise of the Imperium, starlanes & stardrive, Julii naming conventions, etc.). I definitely want to use them, since they not only give detailed explanations of elements of my universe that I otherwise couldn't include, but also serve as fun cameos. They're 2ish pages each, which is a lot for an "epigraph". As much as possible, I'm trying to use them with chapters with which they are at least somewhat relevant, but that doesn't always fit (e.g., the Dr. Ess epigraph would have to appear at the top of the chapter where Joseph and family are attacked in their palace).

I'm wondering if I should set them up as separate mini-chapters between the actual story. That leaves me with the 2+ page ludicrous epigraph about Mama's death (where Bunny Divine schemes her way into the senior anchor's role). It fits best at the top of the chapter where the commando team goes into the Realm to try and get him, although I suppose I could drop it in between chapters, too.

And yet, there is the epigraph (Janet TP's cameo) that gives background on the Demon poisons used throughout the story. It's only half a page and would fit nicely at the head of the chapter where Apollo learns that his father has been killed by poison. I also want one that gives a little history about the founding of New Bethlehem, which will be at most a page, and would fit best with the chapter noted above about the attack against the royal family.

Confused? Welcome to my world. I could put them all at the head of relevant chapters, but Dr. Ess's epigraph won't fit well, as noted above, yet really needs to come before many of the others (e.g., the rise of the Imperium has to be explained after the Great Collapse). It's the one that's primarily screwing this up.

Regardless, Seabrass may clobber me for not weaving them into the actual story. :-)

Thoughts?