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Amy, I've now got poo, cow farts, and elephant gas. (Shut up, K. I know you're thinking it.) I think I'm going to make poo Joseph's major curse word, for which he regularly gets in trouble from the admiral. For the rest, I'm going to see just how many unique ways I can have him say gas/fart/burp/turd. There may be a serious s-bomb in his future, in the Elite Tongue of all things!

Joseph says cow farts to God.

I'll be sure to discuss this particular contribution of yours in the acknowledgements section. :-)

P.S. Go back one post, please, and let me know what you think. The Dr. Ess writeup probably has to go at the beginning of chapter three, since I have others that need to follow. Problem?

I'm wondering what to do about my long Galaxinet articles (the Great Collapse, the rise of the Imperium, starlanes & stardrive, Julii naming conventions, etc.). I definitely want to use them, since they not only give detailed explanations of elements of my universe that I otherwise couldn't include, but also serve as fun cameos. They're 2ish pages each, which is a lot for an "epigraph". As much as possible, I'm trying to use them with chapters with which they are at least somewhat relevant, but that doesn't always fit (e.g., the Dr. Ess epigraph would have to appear at the top of the chapter where Joseph and family are attacked in their palace).

I'm wondering if I should set them up as separate mini-chapters between the actual story. That leaves me with the 2+ page ludicrous epigraph about Mama's death (where Bunny Divine schemes her way into the senior anchor's role). It fits best at the top of the chapter where the commando team goes into the Realm to try and get him, although I suppose I could drop it in between chapters, too.

And yet, there is the epigraph (Janet TP's cameo) that gives background on the Demon poisons used throughout the story. It's only half a page and would fit nicely at the head of the chapter where Apollo learns that his father has been killed by poison. I also want one that gives a little history about the founding of New Bethlehem, which will be at most a page, and would fit best with the chapter noted above about the attack against the royal family.

Confused? Welcome to my world. I could put them all at the head of relevant chapters, but Dr. Ess's epigraph won't fit well, as noted above, yet really needs to come before many of the others (e.g., the rise of the Imperium has to be explained after the Great Collapse). It's the one that's primarily screwing this up.

Regardless, Seabrass may clobber me for not weaving them into the actual story. :-)

Thoughts?

Hmm. I used to write technical manuals...

Thanks. Will ponder.

Flake that I am, I'm now leaning back toward keeping all three time jumps in the same chapter. As Dr. Francis wrote in the distant future (7329 AD), the original purpose of the single/combined chapter (4 short scenes) was a brief biography of the MCs' formative years before the main story begins. My other purpose was to document when God entered each of their lives. I think Dr. Francis's biography gives me cover to do it all in one chapter.

Give me a break. It's a countdown to doomsday. If it doesn't work, all I have to do is yank out a few lines of text. It won't hurt to have the timeline nailed down, either way.

Nah. Think of what it feels like to have a countdown to the End of Days without knowing what exactly that means. All you know is that Dr. Jorge Francis is alive and writing a biography of the teens in 7329 AD (if you pay close attention to the attribution in chapter two's epigraph).

Well, currently I use the following approach for each jump: 5 Years Later - 4010 AD. The countdown is a little more wordy, but not that different. It needs a better name than Wrath of God, though.

A few years ago, I considered making all dates relative to 4017. So 3994, for example, would have become 23 BA (Before Apocalypse) etc., and dates in later books would have been AA. I abandoned that as too complex, due to the detailed history I have to tell, but a countdown in these first chapters toward the "present" would be easier to grasp than the current randomish jumps forward. It also builds a little excitement, I think, the closer you get to liftoff.

I'm exhausted. Responding to Amy and Seabrass is Herculean work. This time around it was Seabrass who rewrote my stuff. And his is much gooder. v4, anyone?

Yeah, Seabrass killed me with his review. Amy not so much, since I addressed a lot of her concerns from the last draft.

I agree that it's dense, K, but not for the reason you mentioned. I set out to create a much richer chapter, including introductions to a lot of concepts that will subsequently be fleshed out as the story goes. I'm hoping to create much denser chapters throughout, providing for a richer read.

Obviously, I need to get them both involved with God at an early age, so that He doesn't simply appear to both of them in 4017 for the first time. That would blow away any possibility that this might be mental illness.

I could split the chapter in two, which might reduce the apparent time jumping. There are three here: Joseph at age 4, Apollo at age 7, and then 4017. If I split it, then we have Apollo and Joseph when they're young, and then both in the year 4017 in the next chapter.

I've been knocked upside the head before about info dumps. In this case, I put it all in the POV of the MCs. I don't want to stretch out the lives of the two kids when they're little with a lot of unnecessary filler content. However, if I split the chapter in two as mentioned above, I can slow it down a little.

Amy, if you're reading, the reason the epigraph tells you up front what is in the chapter is because it's difficult to navigate three time jumps for two boys of different ages. The epigraph helps the reader follow that. Those jumps are also the reason this chapter couldn't be chapter one - I felt it was too complex as an opening chapter. Also, now that Admiral Windsor comes back from the dead, I have the connection I've been trying to create between the two chapters.

I have to think some more if I want to split this in two.

Let me know if you think it will help.

Thanks
Dirk

Upon rereading, I don't care much for the three E's. Fortunately, there are a whole bunch of ways not to say radiated: sent forth, bathed in (for the receiver), arose, brimmed, manifested, etc. And spat venom will probably be reserved for Billie.

I'll resume reading now, since I'm behind on my recips.

Problem fixed. The three E's: emitted, exuded, emanated. Haven't used 'gave off' yet, since it's kind of dull. Still thinking about shone, since it's a visual, whereas the others are something you can feel without seeing them. I'm on the fence about dazzled.

Thank you, Kdot.
Dirk

EDIT: How about 'The admiral's presence spat venom.'? That's cool.