@Bill K: Spoiler: Lady K is the best character ever. Waaaaay better than Dr Ess or Queen Aussie
Wait until you see what I do with Mistress Billie! Gods this draft is going to be fun!
This is a tough one. having not read to the end yet, this 'real or imaginary' concept puts a heavy assumption in the readers head. The chances that two galactic young leaders suffering from delusions are slim so from reading this I would think God obviously has a hand in this, that there is some kind of cosmic master plan at play here, beyond the understanding of human beings. As a scifi reader I'd be looking for something like this. This story promises this. The title promises this. In the synopsis you lay out a major plot twist, and a scifi reader like me could feel that they might be cheated if they invest in this story. This could be end up being about mental illness and not about high cosmological/theological concepts, or left open ended.
I have a question that will help me better understand how to approach this.
Without spoiling the details in final act of the story, have you made a decision on whether these boys are both delusional, or is God real in the Biblical sense, real is a high scifi conceptual sense, or is one delusional and the other not?
I address the chances of two young leaders having mental illness, beginning in chapter two, where I introduce the boys at various ages. I introduce God in Joseph's head at age 4 in 4005 AD. I introduce God in Apollo's head at age 7 in 4010 AD (Joseph is two years older than Apollo). I also establish that Joseph and Apollo are royal cousins (Empress Elizabeth is the sister of Queen Mary). Finally, I explain that mental illness runs in both families. My goal is for the odds of mental illness vs real God to be 50/50. I then walk a drunken line between the two possibilities, having fun throwing out clues one way, and then the next. It's a trilogy and I won't reveal the true answer until the end of book three, but I already know how I plan to end it. However, it's a long way to the end of the third book, and I may think of an even better ending.
If this is for a query, then there are things that need to be added to this. Like the title, word count, comps (similar books to visualize the plot) and classification for the story. IMO, you can't use the query for a blurb or synopsis. These need to be crafted individually.
Example:
INTO THE MIND OF GOD is a 75K HF novel set in the 41st century. Comps are STAR WARS meets the movie CALIGULA. The story centers around Joseph and Apollo, teens who grow up worlds apart but are both visited by a being who calls himself God. By cooperating and resisting divine intervention, both boys travel the universe as they fulfill their destinies. Apollo, heir...
You get the idea.
Helpful. Thank you. Nevertheless, it's a good starting point.
"Mentally ill" is a polite word you're used to hearing used as a weapon against you if you suffer from any a mental health problem. I would recommend saving such a word for character speech. Used in the right place, it will really colour your principals. Used while I'm making a buying decision, it will worry me.
Many things in this book have the potential to be offensive to various groups (the mentally ill, gays, Christians, Italians, Japanese, ...). For better or worse, it's the correct word. What makes it seem strong is the stigma modern society still attaches to being mentally ill. The end of the trilogy is very uplifting to many who are "different", although it'll take me a decade before I finish it at my current pace. I'll get lots of attrocious reviews on Amazon for this book in the meantime. I'm not doing it to sell so much as to keep my mind active. Is there a worst seller list on Amazon?
Mentally ill is very very strong? That's news to me, but so much the better. Mentally challenged doesn't quite have the same drawing power. And if God isn't real, then these two are seriously ill, especially after I put Billie in Joseph's head and Nero into Apollo's head.
What you presume to be the central theme?
Oh dear. You've read all of v2 and aren't sure of the theme. Curious. What do you think the theme is?
Time to revisit my favorite word: Huh?
You've been a busy little Canadian beaver, Kdot. Much appreciated. However, I wasn't trying for the shortest possible blurb, but rather wording that suggests sweeping epic. Whether I actually succeed in writing one is another matter entirely. :-) I like that you've cut out a number of religious references, so I used that. It reads much better and keeps the word count low while adding more info about the setting and characters. I didn't understand the difference between you calling God an entity vs. a deity. I use them interchangeably. I tried several different variations of the first sentence, but found Janet TP's version preferable as the opening words intended to draw readers to the book. I managed to keep it around 100 words.
Joseph and Apollo are teenagers living in the 41st century who grow up worlds apart but share a common bond — both are visited by a being who calls himself God. This entity takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. Apollo, heir to Earth’s grand Imperium Romanum, leads a crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy. Joseph, the deeply religious crown prince of the pivotal world New Bethlehem, founds a radical new faith to steer humanity away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, their destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill boys?
Thanks!
Dirk
A.T.Schlesinger's post in Premium regarding his query letter led me to try and expand my book's summary on this site. I moved mine here so as not to further highjack ATS's thread. Goodness, I caused a kerfuffle there today. The following is also intended for any query letter, Amazon product description, and printed back cover. Preference? Anything missing? Too much?
Old:
Into the Mind of God is the story of Joseph and Apollo, teenagers who live worlds apart but share a common bond — both are visited by a being who calls himself God. God takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. With God’s help, one leads a holy crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy, while the other founds a radical new religion to steer mankind away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, their destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill boys?
New:
Joseph and Apollo are teenagers living in the 41st century who grow up worlds apart but share a common bond — both are visited by a being who calls himself God. God takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. With God’s help, Apollo, heir to Earth’s grand Imperium Romanum, leads a holy crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy. At the same time, God helps Joseph, the deeply religious crown prince of the strategic world New Bethlehem, found a radical new religion to steer humanity away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, the teens' destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill boys?
Woop woop! (Sound an Australian dog makes when barking.)
This is your summary. IT IS LONG ENOUGH!!!! You don't need anymore than this. But you might want to make it more "active."
Into the Mind of God is the story of Joseph and Apollo, teenagers who live worlds apart but share a common bond — both are visited by a being who calls himself God. God takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. With God’s help, one leads a holy crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy, while the other founds a radical new religion to steer mankind away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, their destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill boys?
(Joseph and Apollo live worlds apart but share a common bond--both are visited by a being who calls himself God. God takes each of them on an incredible journey to fulfill their destinies. With God’s help, one leads a holy crusade to conquer a perilously divided galaxy, while the other founds a radical new religion to steer mankind away from the Apocalypse. Ultimately, their destinies will collide, something neither may survive. But is God a real deity, or the imagination of two mentally ill teenagers?)
Thanks, Janet. I like your changes, except that you leave the age of the MCs unknown until the end of the paragraph, whereas mine has it up front, where I think it belongs. I'll tweak yours to pull that info to the beginning. I'll also probably write a longer version just to see if I can build on what I have.
When you can't answer an argument, you mock.
What can I say, my tongue-in-cheek moment fell flat. Pancaked. Wile E. Coyoted.
Zero future as a comedian.
On the other hand, if you can express all of the essential details outlined above in a more compact way, I’d love to hear it. Let’s see your rewrite!
I would but I'm busy critiquing everyone else's. :-) Seriously, I don't know enough about the book (what's important, what's not) to attempt one. My own is in my book summary, but it's much shorter than two hundred and fifty words, so I have room for more. Sor far, I included only the main characters, the overall story arc, and the stakes. I end with a major mystery. I left out all secondary characters, including several villians. I also left out subplots and settings, although I do mention the (sci-fi) story is of galactic scale. Now that it's come up, I'm going to try expanding on my summary to see if I can add anything that would make the book more appealing.
Shadyia is a courtesan of the Silver Rose. When Demos Azari, fanatical advisor to the wicked Innocenti, requests Shadyia’s favor, he threatens the brothel sisterhood if she fails to comply. Despite her madam’s command, integrity makes Shadyia refuse. But this is only the beginning of Shadyia’s woes. Demos has bound a demon inside an enchanted box—a demon he believes will free mankind from its obsession with the gods. But the imprisoned fiend has an agenda of its own: the slaughter of humanity. Only an enchanted ruby, hidden in the labyrinth beneath the Silver Rose, can keep the demon in the box. Only Demo’s sworn enemy, the magician Aaron, can find the ruby—but not without Shadyia’s help. As the great city of Anderholm dangles at the edge of ruin, Shadyia must decide whether to join Aaron on his quest or betray him to preserve the sisterhood she cherishes above all.
Ronald, I find all the extra detail overwhelming. I thought A.T.'s original was already too crammed full of content. Here's what I read in yours: Shadyia, Silver Rose, Demos Azari, Innocenti, sisterhood, demon, enchanted box, slaughter humanity, enchanted ruby, labyrinth, sworn enemy, magician Aaron, city of Anderholm, ruin.
It's like trying to stuff Lord of the Rings into a paragraph. Shadyia (Frodo) is the book's main protagonist. Have the heart of the paragraph be about/follow her. The Demos (Saruman?) and Aaron (Gandalf) appear to be secondary players. Mention them briefly, if at all. The demon seems to be Sauron, with the ability to wipe out humanity. Keep that in the paragraph. The city of Anderholm (Middle Earth?) isn't as big a deal as the destruction of all humanity. If you had to punt one or the other from the paragraph, which would it be? Things like Anderholm, Innocenti, and Silver Rose are great names, but you need more page space to do them justice and reduce the complexity of that paragraph.
Your mileage may vary.
Bill the Cat
Service Canada. (A Government of Canada organization. Thppt!)
My apologies, Ronald. I was trying for a bit of cultural humor from the Bloom County cartoons. Turns out, Bill the Cat says ack, not gack. My bad.
I'm still using Word for Windows 7. Since I switched from Explorer to Google Chrome, I've noticed that when I paste a document onto the site, I lose my paragraph separations and my italics. So I have to go through editing to correct the errors. Anyone know what the problem is and how I can avoid it?
I'm also using Win 7/Word 2007/Google Chrome. Same problem as you. I just manually go through it to fix the chapters after I publish them. I haven't raised it with Sol.
THanks Norm,
Ugghh, I was using Story Mill on mac, but now on an HP/Win10. Same deal you mention on Story Mill. Perhaps Google Docs is the best and simplistic way to start up my writing again.
I was using Google Docs years ago. None of the export options to get it into Word worked completely. I think I just finally cut & pasted, created the styles I needed in Word, and then went through the whole draft, applying styles manually. It's not as bad as it sounds. Set everything to Normal first, then go through applying other styles where needed. Google still enhances Docs, so hopefully the export options work better now.
Also, be aware that Docs only supports about a half dozen styles, most of them headings. It's been like that forever. The only way to create your own is to modify one of the existing styles. I don't think you can rename them, though, so you may have a style called Heading 3 that you use to format indented text, an epigraph, or whatever you're trying to highlight. The other option is to use the default styles as is, and manually format wherever you need formatting other than Normal and Headings. The lack of user-defined styles was a key reason I bought a refurbished Windoze machine over the cheaper Chromebooks..
Shadyia is a courtesan of the Silver Rose. When Demos Azari, fanatical advisor to the wicked Innocenti, requests Shadyia’s favor, he threatens the brothel sisterhood if she fails to comply. Despite her madam’s command, integrity makes Shadyia refuse. But this is only the beginning of Shadyia’s woes. Demos has bound a demon inside an enchanted box—a demon he believes will free mankind from its obsession with the gods. But the imprisoned fiend has an agenda of its own: the slaughter of humanity. Only an enchanted ruby, hidden in the labyrinth beneath the Silver Rose, can keep the demon in the box. Only Demo’s sworn enemy, the magician Aaron, can find the ruby—but not without Shadyia’s help. As the great city of Anderholm dangles at the edge of ruin, Shadyia must decide whether to join Aaron on his quest or betray him to preserve the sisterhood she cherishes above all.
Gack! :-)
Aggressively passive.
Unless it's changed in the past two years, there is no automated way of going back and forth with an editor. It can generate a Word file and you can then use Word's track changes/comments to work with your editor. When that's done, you cut and paste bits (scenes?) of the Word file back into Scrivener. I'd be very interested if someone has found an easier way to handle that.
Ancient cave paintings.
Flayed alive, actually. Useless trivia: it turns out, the origin of chemises dates back to Roman tunics, and has at various times been both a man's or women's garment or undergarment.
Sometimes he writes so he can pull off Star Trek puns. The punier the better:-)
That's a lovely red chemise you're wearing, Dr. Ess.
There are seven unique names in this short summary. I had to read it several times to wrap my head around it. Also, I was unable to figure out what the Silver Rose referred to. At first I thought it was the name of the sisterhood, but the last sentence seems to suggest otherwise. I suggest simplifying it to reduce the number of names. And definitely lose the italics. It's hard to read. Also, I believe the word "which" after "enchanted ruby" should be "that".
