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Kdot, do you think Sibrassi is a sufficiently Japanese surname? I want to stick Seabrass in as the shogun.

Even though I'm writing mostly for my own fun,  I might as well keep open the possibility of a PG-13 audience.

I don't think of the violence in Dune as particularly graphic. Sure, they nuke the planet in a later book, but it's not like you're seeing bodies melting.

As for the faceless 100M inhabitants, I spend an entire act on the planet, so you do get to know them. There'll be more history about the planet in v3, which may help bring it alive.

The cadet massacre on New Beth was particularly nasty, as was Ecks's decapitation, Classiarii chests exploding, and the slaughter in the throne room attack.

Apollo's decapitation is fine to me since it was staged. Killing off Mama's guards is fine, since they're my equivalent to Stormtroopers, and I don't dwell on their deaths (e.g. faces plastered on the pavement).

I had already replaced the scene in chapter one where the captain gets hit in the face, sending his brains out the back of his head. Instead, he sets his blaster on overload and completely disintegrated in a blinding flash of light, taking the imperials with him, with no blood or gore.

It's primarily the gore noted above that I want to eliminate, so no severed/exploded body parts until the final moment between Lupus and Joseph.

I'm comfortable I can tame down most of the gore, except for Ecks's scene. I need to think about that one.

Zombie Celtics.

I personally find v2 too violent. I'm trying for a little more character/setting/plot development and less carnage. Less Starship Troopers, more Dune.

prendowntial

I agree with you, Janet. A few well-chosen tags can add a lot to a sentence. I also prefer italics to emphasize thoughts and, in my case, to represent mind-speech between characters. As for secret code, there must be a lot of double agents on the site, because I learned by emulating writers whose work I respect.

Amy, I reread the library chapter. Following were the elements that I thought slowed it down:
- the descrition of the paintings of Behira, and about the Sixteen
- the part where Alda gives Tazar and Lewellen stuff to do that never really gets done, nor some hint that these were important tasks, rather than make-work
- the book of herbs
- finding the second copy of Tazar's book

I'm not suggesting getting rid of all of it, as there needs to be some effort on Alda's part looking for the book. Or maybe not, maybe she knows where it is, and she's simply hesitant to reveal that she's read it. Also, only you would know if some of that material is needed later in the story. I suggest getting an extra opinion or two before you cut anything.

Hope this helps.
Dirk

EDIT: Also, it's the kind of detail that Tolkien would have added, so you're in good company, but his setting descriptions of every part of the journey dragged, at least for me.

Amy, you forgot that Kwan is holding a blue kitten.

Maxular deverneration.

Amy, thanks for the suggestion. My mother has very poor veins in her legs that have turned her lower legs brownish from pooled blood. She has special tight stockings to wear to force the blood to flow back up the leg. I think she's supposed to sit with her legs up, but she walks around quite a bit, then is in pain every evening. She's been on antibiotics repeatedly. There is progress after almost two months. The wound care nurse says it looks much better, with significant healing. Another trip coming up to the advanced wound care clinic downtown next week. I hate driving downtown. It's like my first few trips on the NJ Garden State Parkway in rush hour. Grab your balls...

FYI, everyone else has been reviewed, except you. I'll work on that tomorrow. I owe K an extra review because his chapters are Tiny Tims compared to the elephants I'm cranking out at present. I want to flesh out my world this draft, hopefully in ways that keep the reader interested. I'm going to try and keep up with chapter edits as I write this draft. I really hope there's not a v4 ahead of me. It'll be 7-8 years total to write this thing, and it's only book one. If it wasn't for a chance to create a Christian Empire in the story, with tons of great stuff about the crusades to borrow from, I'd tack the final chapter of the trilogy at the end of book one and be done with it. Maybe just two books... There's a story I want to tell in the year 7329 AD that has been brewing for over a decade. It'll be fun to link then all together in one universe.

Hi Janet. I have a new turkey ... er, chapter up in the v3 book. I'm going even slower than my usual glacial place since my mother has a leg ulcer that requires 2-3 doctor visits per week. I'm the chauffer. Add to that one or two trips to the grocery store, and my own doctor appts, and the weeks just fly by. Chapter two includes edits from Amy, K, and Seabrass. I'll keep reading yours until you say stop. I now owe reviews to everyone.

Gobble gobble.
Dirk