I think one of the reasons that people take Alina as The Big Bad is that they want to latch onto a villain and she is the first visible one.  I think mentioning her in just the right place and time might help people get over that.  Maybe getting a prominent agreement to the that effect, perhaps repeating the discussion with Katerin and without her could help maintain context.

A protest by Kha in the 'I challenge you' meeting to the effect of 'this is bigger than you, you petty cow!' might also help, especially if Alina brushes it off.

The pacing of the main story is also a problem.  There are just too many long stages.  I realize you have clews buried in some of them, but you have nine unrelieved chapters.  If, by one of Sil's runes, you could get it below six chapters the difference would be huge.

2,127

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Let me think about this.  She already seen that Shogran uses them and throws them away.  And she's got her daughter in a special category of 'doesn't know her own strength'.  Oh, yes, she's definitely wearing blinders.

Nobody is ready yet to see the big picture.  That requires two things: Merran in Pike's Observatory and Kirsey with some very old library books.

Pike would probably have tried to raise the kid in his circle of friends at the Academy.  Someone there would have turned maternal and more-or-less taken him

2,128

(19 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

You could supposrt that with the 'professionalization' of the performing arts, and the great increase in quality that came with recording.  But then you'd have to flip the coin over and look at the popularity of youTube.

The biggest danger to written work might be the creeping illiteracy coming out of the highly 'professionalized' schools of the urban centers, boosted by 'identity' culture that declares study and learning as 'inauthentic'.

I know this, though: They can't read what we don't  write.

Occasionally 'my sister, my brood', but most often just 'my sister'.

'brood' instead of 'clutch'?

'my sister'?

Make it clear where the special bond exists, and where it doesn't?

2,133

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

amy s wrote:

Kennedy,

You have to wait for the trial period to end. I had the same problem with trying to pay early when we got a couple bonus months back when the site switched over to the new format. You'll get reminders. No need to rush.

That's for ponying up cash.  But the question is participating in points.

Mall-walking bunions

Followup: Alina is venal and selfish. She likes power, but her vision and ambition are too small to be Capital EEvil.  Make that clear.  Keep that clear.

Question: What -specifically- moves Alina to challenge the duel?

2,136

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I took a quick look.  My first, pre-points take is that you've got enough discrete events in there that it could be two or three chapters.  The big jeopardy comes at the end, which argues against the split.

2,137

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

The thing is, I don't see it published at all, not even in your portfolio.  That leaves me thinking that you missed a step.

I'm assuming this is one chapter of a multi-chapter work.  In the edit pages, there are four that have a sequence ot four button-blocks at the top, with arrows between them, left to right: Basic Info ; Cover ; Content ; Publish  .

Publishing is on the last of these.  You can click on the button-block if you need to, to get to the page.
There is a heading, in yellow-gold: Publish Setup.  A little ways down there is a blue heading Publish Setup, with your current points total beneath it.

Choose who can see your content .......... ((Menu drop box.  Try  ONLY TO GROUP MEMBERS AND CONNECTIONS .))
With that set, you should see Choose Which Groups to Publish Your Content To ........ ((Vertical pile of check boxes.))

You should probably check all the groups, which should include Premium, Basic, and MedFantMagic.

There's a red button to update the settings.

Below that is a list of your chapters, with the button/menu in the sixth column.  The appearance changes when you publish each chapter.  (Actually, the Publish button might be in the fifth column.  I don't have anything unpublished now, so I can't see.)

Hope this helps.

2,138

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Did you also publish in the Premium group?

Your portfolio page shows nothing published.  Did you click on the publish button for that individual work or chapter, and get a notice about points being deducted from your total?

2,139

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

What groups do you publish in?  It's for points if it's in a for-points group.  The which-groups settings are on the publish page and/or your profile page.   If you think you've skunked yourself by starting wrong, you'll have to bug Sol.

A further thought on Alina: you have a problem with people mistaking her for The Real Villian.  If you want to fix that, you need Less Alina, not more.  When she appears, however often, it must be as Speed Bump Alina.  She may be a Speed Bump that can bottom springs, blow shocks, and bend frames, but a Speed Bump she must be and must remain.

2,141

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Be careful what you ask for!  My reviews are the sort of pile-on the NFL banned years ago.  But all you need to do is look at the chapters in question.  Ordinary reviews hang below; inline reviews are linked.

2,142

(75 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Amy, if it's not too excruciating I'm going to suggest our new K have a look a the last two reviews I did of Fixing the Roof.  (Actually I'd suggest a different title, one more oblique, so you don't give away the Dance Ten, Looks Three.)

2,143

(19 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

We can't make those judgements until time has passed.

The world is changing.  It's been changing since hunter-gatherers settled down to become farmers.  We can encourage people to treasure the old, including old arts and skills.  Maybe they do, maybe the change seems to be really better.

That judgement is for history.  All we can do is try to make it.

To Tartarus in a trug.

2,145

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

=Earth By Fire=, chapters currently numbered 34 and 35.  Consider their titles reviewable material.

I suggest you reduce the direct action with Alina and hold her presence for later.  Use narrative--telling--not showing, to propel us through the politics and the backstory/milieu and get us to the story.

There might be room for brief description of Alina's haughty and cruel/icy demeanor, but not for full narrative--not if you want the containment jar to flow smoothly as a connected, supporting part of the story.  Remember, this whole chapter's purpose is to get Anver and Kat--together--through that hole in the roof with the necessary backstory and milieu.  It's an extended intro.  If you keep extending it like a telescope, the whole containment jar episode goes out of proportion.


If you want to show that Alina is the Olympic Gold Medalist in seven events of Beyotch, make the narrated story show us the Wicked Stepmother's Wicked Stepmother--quickly--then show us she's worse than that in a later chapter.  (I rather like the part about enjoying killing.)

2,147

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Oh, Amy, the script outline before =Breadcumbs and Bacchanalia= may address some of what you've mentioned in reviews.

2,148

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Edits made to Breadcrumbs and Bacchanalia, partly in response to reviews.  Let me know if you want a repub.

2,149

(19 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

So long as the reviewer can find something that is clearly weaker than the rest, the good writer will be reassured by how good the weaker parts are--and will continue to improve.  And I don't know if it's a question of taste, or of the ability to appreciate and understand what is being written.

There may be a few for whom English Composition is like music to Mozart, but for most of us it's a skill that will always stand improvement.

One thing you can say of commercial fiction: it brings pleasure to the multitudes who purchase it.

2,150

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

You must have a most inferior radar.

Anyhow, there were two chapters.  The first one is just a script outline.