Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (Page 47 of 77)

I suggest you reduce the direct action with Alina and hold her presence for later.  Use narrative--telling--not showing, to propel us through the politics and the backstory/milieu and get us to the story.

There might be room for brief description of Alina's haughty and cruel/icy demeanor, but not for full narrative--not if you want the containment jar to flow smoothly as a connected, supporting part of the story.  Remember, this whole chapter's purpose is to get Anver and Kat--together--through that hole in the roof with the necessary backstory and milieu.  It's an extended intro.  If you keep extending it like a telescope, the whole containment jar episode goes out of proportion.

If you want to show that Alina is the Olympic Gold Medalist in seven events of Beyotch, make the narrated story show us the Wicked Stepmother's Wicked Stepmother--quickly--then show us she's worse than that in a later chapter.  (I rather like the part about enjoying killing.)

Followup: Alina is venal and selfish. She likes power, but her vision and ambition are too small to be Capital EEvil.  Make that clear.  Keep that clear.

Question: What -specifically- moves Alina to challenge the duel?

OK, NJC,
That was me who confused Alina with the main mean dude, and let me say this about that... I am not a crook! Now that I have read your ideas for a fix-up, I concur with you 100%. In fact, I wish I said what you said it's so good. The Alina thing as is, is a big digression down the wrong path, and it was misleading to me to the point of being disappointed when nothing happened with her. She is an interesting character, and I too like the final battle. But as it is said, editing is like killing your own children. It's time to pull from retirement your hammer and tongs, Amy.

I think one of the reasons that people take Alina as The Big Bad is that they want to latch onto a villain and she is the first visible one.  I think mentioning her in just the right place and time might help people get over that.  Maybe getting a prominent agreement to the that effect, perhaps repeating the discussion with Katerin and without her could help maintain context.

A protest by Kha in the 'I challenge you' meeting to the effect of 'this is bigger than you, you petty cow!' might also help, especially if Alina brushes it off.

The pacing of the main story is also a problem.  There are just too many long stages.  I realize you have clews buried in some of them, but you have nine unrelieved chapters.  If, by one of Sil's runes, you could get it below six chapters the difference would be huge.

That is my debate about this discussion. I'm planning on two books for Anver. If I make Alina a speed bump, then the first book loses power. I see it as Alina is the 'little bad'. A few necromancer moments happen and she is blamed. Then the duel happens and something else happens, so they realize there is a medium bad guy lurking in the shadows.

Book two, they find out about Lucas after a longer search, and solidify their target. Then they follow Maalok into the crypt,

Does this keep Alina on the back burner? Or do I still need to dance around Alina to make her less of a character?

Alina is a focus in the second book. Her inherited property and the massive cleanup as her sins are put out to air, that is what keeps Alina in the story as a parallel threadline. She is a hoarder. Her belongings hold clues that Anver needs.

With Katerin cooperating, Anver can learn more to help him later in the stories. I just didn't put it in the first draft because there wasn't enough space. With two books, there is room for the detail.

It could be realistic for me to graph out the chapters before the next revision (gasp). Really. That way, I could prove the action curve to you. It would also keep my reply from taking another year before it appears.

I've finally finished the first draft, so my plan was to approach the next draft with a less bumbling approach. What exists is just character driven. Number 2 draft can be an organizer-draft where plot and focus determine where things go.

Don't get me wrong. I see where you and Ernie are pointing. I agree that Alina is a weakness in the current version. I just think her stuff and property becomes a valid character in later stories.

I wouldn't go all Sally Field yet.  It flows reasonably well, but I want to see how the next chapter opens before I complete my comments.

Jaylene already was killed, remember?

As far as Star Trek goes, you can't forget Seven of Nine.

-Elisheva

Amy, as I move toward the Andalaya chapters, I find myself thinking that the topic's introduction feels like an interruption.  I'm wondering whether you could mention and hint at Andalaya and her sister earlier.  For example, mention her--and maybe Alina, maybe not--when you are in the curses ward with Kha.  (Anver's relationship to the curses ward?)  Then mention Andalaya and Alina again between Anver's exploration of Alina's house and the actual trip onto the roof, letting us know that Anver would really, really like to hurt Alina or make it possible for Kha to do so.  Then instead of an interruption you have an answer.

YMMV.

Point taken. Andalaya was an afterthought that I came up with on the fly. She definitely needs more intro.

New chapter is up for Dictates. Gotta blaze. I work tonight and there is a 'meeting'. Worse case scenario is that I continue working and everyone else leaves. We'll see how it goes.

A