One vision per chapter is a huge commitment... you'll find yourself amidst a good event streak and have to interrupt it with a vision.
It's also a lot of real estate in terms of name scroll
recommend you simply sprinkle the visions as you see fit rather than stick to a one-per-chapter rule
@Amy I've only read one of those (plus this one) because I'm slow... but I can mostly follow ok
...and cut way back on exclamation marks
I use way too many exclamation marks. My old editor once said "A dozen per book is about right". I'm probably north of three times this limit. But my characters tend to shout and scream a lot, and it feels awkward to write:
Bob screamed, "Fire."
or
"I hate you." Bob punched the wall
That particular scene has Paul in it, so I'm tempted to say "yes"
It's an interesting view... I can't even visualize how it would look without the humour - would be an entirely different story. Not sure the reader approached it in the right mindset
@Debbie: You don't need those elements to join the group. All genre are welcome
with fewer centres of attention I can now spot an extraneous "Rachel" in chapter 3, so this is progress.
Re Layout:
-Your approach of giving Aedre the chapter 3 spot makes sense but it's a bit of a downer for Noomy. On the other hand I visualized this with Noomy in chp 3 but then it felt scattered. I'll fill out this thought a bit more once I hit chp 6
-I don't remember Sharr
-Only 3 Yufu's. What about 18... can that be Yufu? What about Yamdar -- Does he need POV or is there a way to make Yufu be his narrator? (I don't say this only because. Instead, visualize Star Wars trying to tell Jabba POV. The casual reader might ask, 'can this be told from Han or Leia POV?'. Of course I say this in ignorance of Yamdar's greater role.
Noomy is heads & above the strongest character in the above list. Aedre is really going to have to bask in the spotlight to not get outshone by her. I mean she's kind of wind in the willows until she develops the gumption to quit her job where the guy's mistreating her. So when you juxtapose her to Yufu or Noomy, it will really stand out.
That said, your overview looks like a stronger story
Structurally, it's better that Nabi doesn't die off-screen. If you can't get her + Aedre + Bhaltair in the same area for her to die, consider having a hitman do the job on Bhaltair's behalf, or, even Nabi make the final transmission to Aedre just before the end. If you use the final transmission bit it's hard to get her killed off with finality - we'll be stuck thinking maybe she escaped after the screen went dark
Depending on your story's needs, you might have Aedre sent somewhere worse than a brothel because Noomy already has that part licked. Wait... what's worse than a brothel?? Hmm... they make her be a nurse in a place quarantined with contagious disease that is only a matter of time before she contracts it. (Maybe this disease turns people into Noirplasts?), If you keep the brothel part for her, just bear in mind Noomy will be far ahead of her (in the sex-slave trade) by the time she ends up there, so what new does she bring to the concept?
Bear in mind, if you re-use the existing chapters, no one will get the new-work notifications
If you have enough points to start a v2 you'll probably attract new reviewers who might take notice that you've taken the time to do an overhaul. I find that's usually the case when I do a v2. Also leaves past work up so people can compare if there's any value to you for that
Joy is a woman's name, although a female professor would completely eliminate the IP issue.
yeh... ok.
Leroy
Boy Hinkley (ok that's bad)
Troy
Hmm fail sauce
Those transistors don't take the brunt of the heat; the bootstrap transistors on the big heatsinks do. (Photo needed). Those are small monsters, FLJ4315 and FLJ4215. (There are several part numbers for each, and they are a complementary pair--see below.)
How did it go? Is your time machine working?
bzzt!
Will Warner really send out the legal letter?
I Googled "Hinkley". Seems to be a valid English name. They can't copy right a name. Admittedly A search of Roy+Hinkley links up to their IP rather quickly.
Therefore, I suggest: "Joy Hinkley"
Here's another one from my chapter 19:
He was assisting with the final coat of paint on the reconstructed barracks when he sensed a great power approaching. [F i r e m a k e r] set his brush down and turned to greet Keldar Xrell.
Adding "sudden"
He was assisting with the final coat of paint on the reconstructed barracks and joking with the troops. Just then, Keldar Xrell walked up.
Both of these are fine in my books, but the latter really calls attention to the suddenness
(I'm going to side-step the question for a moment and target my current WIP)
I started chapters 1 & 2 at night. Then I ended the 2-chapter battle and switched to regular state. For regular state (Meeting the horse, going on picnics, being happy, etc) I've been trying to focus the characters on sunshine and blue skies. As the time of Armageddon approaches, I've been increasing the cloudiness. Focusing on the greys. Nova's eyes are no longer "blue" - they're steely. Once the hammer falls, I plan to go back to darkness.
(jumping tracks again)
Star Trek TNG really worked their sounds on the bridge. There was the normal bridge sounds. Then, they'd be approaching an area where they think there are hostiles. The computers would make this double beep on like a 10-second pulse. Even though the characters were talking about misc things there's this meep-meep (pause) meep-meep (pause) in the background.
Then suddenly you'd have a weedle-weedle sound and shortly after "Captain, sensors detect incoming ships"
(ok back on topic)
Apollo is standing on the Ark of the Covenant discussing. [Just then] the Captain turned and said "Incoming ship"...
Of course, it isn't really "just then". He probably saw the captain take a call while he was talking. Maybe he heard sensors beeping with important messages or saw a crewman waiting to speak.
Here's an attempt:
Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, Apollo said over the buzz of incoming messages. He nodded to the captain to handle the call and continued. Caligula holds all the cards.
O, ye of little faith.
Apollo closed his eyes, sighed deeply, and stilled a tremor. O, ye of too many quotes.
"Sir?" the Ark’s captain, Amethyst Benjamin, turned to Prince Alexander and Admiral Highlander. “We’re receiving a signal from your sons aboard a transport that just arrived from Earth. They’re requesting permission to dock.”
Really it depends on how "sudden" you want the events. The one scene where they're in the palace and the bombers break past security I think you was very sudden. These scene, sudden doesn't seem required.
Also, I'm partial to colours and sounds. Having consoles flash in red or having patterns of reflected light on the ceiling is neat & re-usable. It can also be discarded when not needed.
Just some ideas
To clarify my original comment on the "just then" your latest chapter...
I was not suggesting it needed changing... it just caught my eye, especially because we'd discussed it recently in main
I concede I would change it in my own writing, but I'm wordier and less battle-driven so don't follow me if you want a crisp battle scene. I'm the guy who stopped a rooftop restaurant battle so two characters could dance.
In a roundabout way, I was saying "Just then" is kind of ok
Disclaimer: "Just then" doesn't bother me as a reader. I've trained myself to reduce/eliminate "just" in my writing, therefore, I also eliminate "just then"
Ok... "as God disappeared" is another transition replacement. It's troublesome because it'll force you to make the head-speaking characters formally withdraw/disappear which could get repetitive
re "ten words in a battle scene"
While I recognize that battle scenes should lean to shorter sentences, this moment occurs before the battle. I picked that phrasing because it gives us sound. So important sound to help situate the reader in the scene.
Even if it were mid-battle, I wouldn't recommend you take the short sentence trick as a hard rule. Sometimes it's ok for Rambo to stop and take note of the bird chirping between the crunch of enemy footsteps in dry leaves as they approach the grotto he's hiding in.
Even assuming that's the case... the rebels were fleeing the planet and the First Order was on the far side aiming at the rebels. The bombers came from planet-side reaching the nose of the dreadnought. It means the direction of gravity was towards the rebel base (away from the First order).
But no... gravity would only have worked if all ships (both sides) had ceased orbiting and allowed themselves to fall into the planetary gravity well (end result = crash). That's how orbits work - they break gravity wells. Apparently no one explained this part to Disney
Not sure why bombs "fall" in space tho.
Once the dreadnought was destroyed,not sure why the hulk "fell" either
Finally saw the Last Jedi on Netflix. Meh. The opening with Poe going unopposed against a destroyer was ludicrous. The idea that the admiral had to sacrifice herself to plow into Snoke's ship was also dumb. Even my story has AIs that can ram vessels. On the other hand, the ending with Luke projecting himself across space was more believable than I expected. If I hadn't known about that spoiler, the scene with Luke surviving all of that cannon fire would have been mind blowing.
I've only seen a few minutes of it so far. That girl captaining the bombers was a real looker. Not sure where her fleet was hiding that it could suddenly turn up like that.
Rivera
Their galaxy is someone's cream swirling at the top of a latte
