re your reply to the fight in chapter 40 (Ya, I'm only now getting around to replying. Don't bug me I'm slow)
R got to her feet, kicked B, who doubled over but circled around to R’s back Got her in a hammerlock. R grabbed her hand, did an Eastern L, then pressed down on a nerve point on B’s arm and kicked her.
R moved in, kicked back...
You asked about a comparison to a Bruce Lee fight, and my answer is "Yes, I would say the same". It's quite like a movie script -it's how I expect a Bruce Lee movie script to be written:
Lee kicks the third ninja. Third ninja falls into the river. Fourth ninja grabs Lee with nunchaku. Lee punches fourth ninja in the nose
in a Bruce Lee novel, I'd expect to be placed in the scene rather than a list of events.
...Ninja4, came in, nunchaku spinning while Lee put his third opponent away. The chain encircled his arm unexpectedly, sending shooting pain down his elbow. He kneed the man while ninja3 coughed and sputtered. Kneed him again, yet couldn't break the hold. At last ninja4 staggered and threw his arms out for balance. An opening for an arm lock, which Lee took...
Alas, I must end this example in that awkward moment before Lee and Ninja4 get into an embrace and start kissing. And you probably see what I meant by now. The question I should like to place is... is this a story or a sequence of events?
Mind you... a sequence of events is perfectly valid. I'd expect it of "Pulp Fiction" were it a novel. Or "Kill Bill". But it sure does steal from the story...
Sam saw Gollum struggling with an invisible enemy, biting at the air viciously. Frodo suddenly reappeared, his hand bleeding from his severed finger.
Suddenly Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw upwards to his mouth; his white fangs gleamed, and then snapped as they bit. Frodo gave a cry, and there he was, fallen upon his knees at the chasm’s edge.
Let me draw your attention to 'white fangs gleamed'. This gives us such a nice sense of place. Breaks up the two actions (draw to mouth vs fangs snapping shut). Also notice mention of furniture (forgive me for counting chasms as furniture). The fallen on his knees part would correspond to the point where R is getting handcuffed which is great, but it comes after a long chain of blurry events. A lot of salt and not a lot of pepper. Right about the Easter L part, there needs to be a nod to either feeling or place or time or even one of the senses - example: B got R into a nelson, longish hair tickling R's shoulder. They wrestled a moment, and R propped her feet on the (bed | sofa | alligator) for leverage ** moves continue **
I apologize if you use any of this and the 2 paragraph fight takes 16. Ask Norm about the grief I've given his nice (short) summaries.
