Not exactly equivalent.
1. Everyone should visit the Rockton Fair this summer. The fair offers unique attractions.
2. The Canadian National Exhibition occurs annually. The Exhibition attracts a worldwide audience
In (2) the Caps is optional. Anyone living in the shadow of this event knows you're proper-naming it the moment you write that. Someone living in England not so much, and may wonder why the caps was used.
10 days... Romeo took minutes to forget Rosalind and decide he wanted to marry Juliette.
works for me. But then so do "Ruby" (for her suit) and "Emerald" for her eyes. Maybe even "Diamond" for her skin
No... I mean Krystel
What prompted the name change?
pfft
*bzzt!*
I don't read the mystery genre. I don't have a culprit in mind. I have a list of possible suspects (this list includes Modrin).
To me this has been 1. the adventure of Heather's escape 2. A fantasy
That there happens to also be a murder is not relevant to my reading... If the murderer turns out to be Thanos or Attila the Hun I'm ok as long as the character journey holds true.
I think you'll benefit more froma list of who is not on the list of suspects. R is on the safe list. e. Barbara and Diane are frequently on it... But being gone for 3 chapters gets them kicked off, do right now B is back in the pool.
I'll revisit when not on mobile keyboard
ew
ok Visitor's Centre, Shuttle Bus parking lot, I think. Bus Terminal at the least. Had a trinket shop but I lost it or didn't save
Google says the bar's name is על הנהר
WordPerfect kept trying to capitalize Laundromat.
Looked it up.
Surprise, WP was right.
I like the flow much better - didn't have that blurry feeling. Bungalow mentioned (I had pictured it more like a locker room - part of a larger complex). Shed blood = bonus points. Tears xtra bonus points (unless those tears are rips). Last paragraph is sharper or cleaner than I remember, not sure which.
+)
Unrelated note: Tolkien sure would get a lot of nits if he posted on this site. So many unnecessary words, including the "suddenly" that Norm's been taking fire for.
[Sam saw a strange and terrible thing. (OBV)]
Gollum on the edge of the abyss was fighting [like a mad thing with](cliché) an unseen foe. [To and fro](implied) he swayed[, now so near the brink that almost he tumbled in,](smaller sentences) now dragging back, falling [to the ground](where else would he fall?), [rising, and falling again](too many -ing's). [And all the while](not needed) he hissed [but spoke no words](implied by hiss). The fires below [awoke](fires don't sleep) [in anger](over explaining), the red light blazed, [and all the cavern was filled with a great glare and heat](Not important - smaller sentences).
[Suddenly](no suddenly) Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw [upwards](too much direction) to his mouth; his [white](can any other colour gleam?) fangs gleamed, and [then] snapped as they bit. Frodo [gave a cry](cried), and there he was, [fallen upon](on) his knees at the [chasm’s] edge. But Gollum, dancing [like a mad thing], held [aloft] the ring, a finger still [thrust] within [its circle].
I say this in jest / poking fun at the site, but it's quite a real problem. We'll strip our work of its soul if we delete too much
re your reply to the fight in chapter 40 (Ya, I'm only now getting around to replying. Don't bug me I'm slow)
R got to her feet, kicked B, who doubled over but circled around to R’s back Got her in a hammerlock. R grabbed her hand, did an Eastern L, then pressed down on a nerve point on B’s arm and kicked her.
R moved in, kicked back...
You asked about a comparison to a Bruce Lee fight, and my answer is "Yes, I would say the same". It's quite like a movie script -it's how I expect a Bruce Lee movie script to be written:
Lee kicks the third ninja. Third ninja falls into the river. Fourth ninja grabs Lee with nunchaku. Lee punches fourth ninja in the nose
in a Bruce Lee novel, I'd expect to be placed in the scene rather than a list of events.
...Ninja4, came in, nunchaku spinning while Lee put his third opponent away. The chain encircled his arm unexpectedly, sending shooting pain down his elbow. He kneed the man while ninja3 coughed and sputtered. Kneed him again, yet couldn't break the hold. At last ninja4 staggered and threw his arms out for balance. An opening for an arm lock, which Lee took...
Alas, I must end this example in that awkward moment before Lee and Ninja4 get into an embrace and start kissing. And you probably see what I meant by now. The question I should like to place is... is this a story or a sequence of events?
Mind you... a sequence of events is perfectly valid. I'd expect it of "Pulp Fiction" were it a novel. Or "Kill Bill". But it sure does steal from the story...
Sam saw Gollum struggling with an invisible enemy, biting at the air viciously. Frodo suddenly reappeared, his hand bleeding from his severed finger.
Suddenly Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw upwards to his mouth; his white fangs gleamed, and then snapped as they bit. Frodo gave a cry, and there he was, fallen upon his knees at the chasm’s edge.
Let me draw your attention to 'white fangs gleamed'. This gives us such a nice sense of place. Breaks up the two actions (draw to mouth vs fangs snapping shut). Also notice mention of furniture (forgive me for counting chasms as furniture). The fallen on his knees part would correspond to the point where R is getting handcuffed which is great, but it comes after a long chain of blurry events. A lot of salt and not a lot of pepper. Right about the Easter L part, there needs to be a nod to either feeling or place or time or even one of the senses - example: B got R into a nelson, longish hair tickling R's shoulder. They wrestled a moment, and R propped her feet on the (bed | sofa | alligator) for leverage ** moves continue **
I apologize if you use any of this and the 2 paragraph fight takes 16. Ask Norm about the grief I've given his nice (short) summaries.
Galilee is probably your favourite word by now
Slightly more expensive, but Aedre could get scuba gear and immerse herself in a sticky substance and wait for it to dry. Eg, she goes in a room with the drone, then seals off the door and triggers the room to fill with amber. Amber dries, she chips her way out, done is stuck.
A costly method is go see an expert drone remover. Of course, you can't tell the guy "Hi, there's a drone following me that will kill me if I talk about it"... but merely sitting in the expert's office and chatting about your day should be enough - if he's an expert he's used to clients doing just that. He'll be like "nice day. Can you lend me 20 biluvian dollars?" Aedre passes over the bills then whisk-whisk no more drone.
A much less involved method (though much more hardcore) is to hop in a ship and travel a few light-hours or light-weeks away. This means whoever's watching has a huge delay in the broadcast. She can take all the time she wants to get rid of it (I doubt they make hyperspace communicators tiny enough to load in the drone based on tech level presented).
A cheap, hardcore method is to hop in a cryosponge for a 50-year journey, then turn around and come back. 100 years round trip - all your enemies are dead. Problem solved.
A more involved method is to try to wear the thing out. Seeing at it can't have infinite power there must be a charging system (solar? Electromagnetic transduction? hydrocarbons? Antimatter?) Just hang out where it's dark, or no rotating core / magnetic field or in a desert etc. Or spray metal-dissolving acid all over the place. Set the room on fire (be careful with that one - hire a professional pyrotechnics engineer)
WW is pretty epic
Sleep when I'm dead
I also use v.v and @.@
that it is obvious x.x
Our opinion is suspect because we've seen both
Because Apollo loosely ties to he other series.
I sneak these in all the time - some more glaring than others
The Apollo
Edit: Master needs a 2nd Ed. too, but only syntax/editing clean up. Just glanced through the first few pages. So many repeat words and what not. Wouldn't change a thing about the plot/structure
