In a roundabout way, I was saying "Just then" is kind of ok

Disclaimer: "Just then" doesn't bother me as a reader. I've trained myself to reduce/eliminate "just" in my writing, therefore, I also eliminate "just then"

Ok... "as God disappeared" is another transition replacement. It's troublesome because it'll force you to make the head-speaking characters formally withdraw/disappear which could get repetitive

re "ten words in a battle scene"

While I recognize that battle scenes should lean to shorter sentences, this moment occurs before the battle. I picked that phrasing because it gives us sound. So important sound to help situate the reader in the scene.

Even if it were mid-battle, I wouldn't recommend you take the short sentence trick as a hard rule. Sometimes it's ok for Rambo to stop and take note of the bird chirping between the crunch of enemy footsteps in dry leaves as they approach the grotto he's hiding in.

Even assuming that's the case... the rebels were fleeing the planet and the First Order was on the far side aiming at the rebels. The bombers came from planet-side reaching the nose of the dreadnought. It means the direction of gravity was towards the rebel base (away from the First order).

But no... gravity would only have worked if all ships (both sides) had ceased orbiting and allowed themselves to fall into the planetary gravity well (end result = crash). That's how orbits work - they break gravity wells. Apparently no one explained this part to Disney

Not sure why bombs "fall" in space tho.
Once the dreadnought was destroyed,not sure why the hulk "fell" either

Dirk B. wrote:

Finally saw the Last Jedi on Netflix. Meh. The opening with Poe going unopposed against a destroyer was ludicrous. The idea that the admiral had to sacrifice herself to plow into Snoke's ship was also dumb. Even my story has AIs that can ram vessels. On the other hand, the ending with Luke projecting himself across space was more believable than I expected. If I hadn't known about that spoiler, the scene with Luke surviving all of that cannon fire would have been mind blowing.

I've only seen a few minutes of it so far. That girl captaining the bombers was a real looker. Not sure where her fleet was hiding that it could suddenly turn up like that.

Rivera

Their galaxy is someone's cream swirling at the top of a latte

http://www.skyfire.ca/kwan/tnbw/p8c17.jpg

re: Language: I don't think a ton of reminders are needed as long as you catch the cultural differences succinctly (eg which side of the car does passenger debark on? How does tipping work? The weird don't touch the fruits rule). I think the cultural bits will be far more difficult than language

636

(68 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Goodness. Re-reading Ender's Game and this is some kinda editing disaster. Dropped commas, spelling issues (minor). Wowzer in chapter 15 where two characters speak in the same paragraph.

I should nit these and mail the book to Tor, demanding a replacement copy

637

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

devil's magic

Mission "kill the contraction" not going so well. I'm finding myself stuck on "he'd" as in "he would" and "he had"

"If he thought she was going along with this, he'd best rethink his plan"
"She would love to board that car. Stars! She'd do it in a heartbeat"

My story is covered in these. To preserve the meter, I'd (I would) spend more time reconstructing phrases than actually writing

I've been thinking about the contraction issue for the past week. I've been poking at various texts. Still reaching, but here are my early thoughts:

The sun's not up yet.
--isn't a contraction I would normally use in narrative. I'm sure a few of these may have slipped by

The sun isn't up yet.
--I would use this contraction in narrative. *But* I always boot negatives when I find them. I'd be much more likely to say "The sky was tinged pink with the first traces of morning" than point out the missing sun.

She didn't trust her judgement
--"She doubted her own judgement" or "She found herself second-guessing her facts". Actually, I shy away from these kinds of tags anyway. They're more reader cues than character thoughts. I'd be more likely to write "She shut the door firmly, but hesitated" and let the reader assign the state of self-doubt.

The men ran into the house where they'd left their shoes
--Now here's one I use to solve cadence problems and make a smoother read. I'm thinking about this case. Can I write around it? Probably so. Really it's just a shortcut. I can train myself out of it with very little cost, effectively ending contraction use in narrative.

Definitely a worthy adventure. Thank you for asking this question!

640

(6 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

To be sure, Barbara's ability to do that was surprising, a bit out of character, really, as Diane later points out...not sure what to do about that, except to keep with the idea that it was largely blind luck on Barbara's part.

It came across as more than blind luck, so you might want to highlight that. Example... say there's a virus on our work network. Well there's north of 5 million files on our various servers. Maybe I guess the file that contains the virus and get it right on the first try (1 in 5 million odds?). I may turn to my coworkers and say it was blind luck, but they'd all be thinking I had some secrets that I knew how to find it and wasn't telling them.

With Barbara, I got the same impression. I got the impression she thought it was luck but that it was really inner brilliance. The way James Bond will magically choose the corner to hide in that the villain will foolishly overlook. Bond doesn't know how he does it, just as Barbara doesn't know how she does it. Neither of them are no less brilliant for not knowing how they arrive at their results.

Not sure a good approach to fix this. By the time Diana can remark it's out of character, I'm pretty certain it will be too lake and the genius status will already be baked in. We'll see.

Jeb only understands the basics of space-time principles, Hadron colliders, and particle physics.  His main concern is that it did work, not how it worked.  Like Kyle in The Terminator, he could say, "I'm not a tech."

I got the impression he understands the basics, so that part was conveyed well. But you know... comprehending the (basic) nature of the curvature of space is not the easiest thing, even if you can't work out a time dilation equation to save your life. I get the impression that if he had to compute eigenvalues on a ticking bomb he was chained to, he'd make it out at least a few seconds before detonation.

Barbara's genius status was only in the plot device to have her operate the LHC and the hypydimentional event matrix.  She becomes more the security officer and the friend as the story progresses.

Herein lies the fun. As far as the story's concerned, there's no difference if she had a temporary burst of genius or if she closed her eyes and pressed random buttons.

(granted, I have a limited view of the story so far)

Now that I think of it, she could even get the same effect by spilling her coffee on the control console.

Don't laugh, but oddly, I think sudden onset genius is the best option as you have it. Barbara's not really in my cross hairs because she's developed well

641

(6 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Some more thoughts. Correct me if this rating is incorrect:

Jeb: Understands basic space-time principles + Hadron collisions + particle physics (Basically a genius)
Barbara: Understands a bit more than Jeb (greater genius)
Diane: Understands more the n Jeb & Barbara combine (Super genius)
Heather: Assures us she understands very little, yet can sort out complex temporal dynamics, continuity & cause/effect, not to mention direct Barbara in the operation of  Hadron Collider) (greater genius)

So this scene is about a genius, 2 greater geniuses, and a super genius sitting in a room discussing time travel.

I think you see where I'm going with this. One little tiny scene doesn't need so many smart characters. It's like oatmeal but not having any cinnamon.

Easy fix: Send Barbara or Diane away - these two compete the most for their niche in the genius-continuum. Jeb doesn't need to be as brilliant as he is. He really could just be a Rambo-type "Just give me something to shoot". Or you could mix it up and have Barbara take that role (though this would kinda break your story).

If you decide to leave them all in there, consider varying up at least one's speech patterns. Maybe a specialized accent? That Vroulaca (sp) really stood out last book despite only having like 5 lines.Something like this would help these four differentiate themselves

642

(1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Name fountain

My comma separates two thoughts. My teachers always said (Paraphrased) "toss in a comma if you want the reader to pause, even if there wouldn't normally be a comma".

Not even a full sentence and I added a comma wrote:

John! John, the woods man. John felled the tree.

That said, I would normally strike out that comma in a revision

hah... don't assume it's correct if it's in a first draft. I just sprinkle commas like confetti

Lynne Clark wrote:

New question.
Contractions: yes to dialogue, but in narrative? Accepting that this is a close third, tightly in the POV head, with little or no authorial comment.
My agent is anti, I am dithering.

No contractions? Seems an unfortunate rule. I can think of best sellers who use them:

I can’t recall what her father did. Once, she explained to me in detail what he did, but as with most kids, it went in one ear and out the other.
--Murakami, Haruki. South of the Border, West of the Sun

646

(15 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Hey MJ... more questions:

1) They say never give a horse a  green pepper, and limit onions. Are they generally smart enough to skip those, should a clever horse should chance across them?

2) You mentioned above ponies only really need each other when grooming. Is that to say they offer something to each other humans can't do? Would someone therefor always have at least two ponies?

-K

647

(15 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

I've been told more than once by reviewers to lose words like "Just then"

Guilty as charged, so I guess I should weigh in.
Disclaimer: I overuse "just", "then", and "so". I've trained myself to spot them on 2nd drafts.

Joseph terminated the feed. “They’re insane..."
Just then, an explosion rocked the prison

As Deckland says, this "Just then" replaces the actual shortcut word "Coincidentally". It allows two dissimilar events to occur without build up. This is valid in rare or high-stakes situations. Used elsewhere, it's a shortcut.

Using it in an early draft is great. Now you can search it. Every time you find it, ping yourself with another -coincidence-

I recently caught myself having characters walk in on conversations at opportune moments: "... as if summoned, X rounded the corner...". Next draft, I'll be able to solve that by introducing X to the scene earlier, or mention X's imminent arrival at the start of Y's conversation.

Joseph terminated the feed. “They’re insane! They just put the fate of humanity solely in the hands of Emperor Bastardus!”
An explosion rocked the prison. Everyone ran out of their cells and looked for the source. A siren began to wail.

I don't have a suggestion for this one. Sometimes, "Just then" is really the perfect phrase. If this was Star Trek, it would be:

Joseph terminated the feed. “They’re insane! They just put the fate of humanity solely in the hands of Emperor Bastardus!”
[Cut scene to unrelated holodeck substory. Picard at a sleazy bar while Data learns to tell standup. Data gains some new insight or reveals a character growth.]
An explosion rocked the holodeck and the images flickered. Picard ran out and looked for the source. A siren began to wail.

add some <p></p> tags in your summaries. I do this all the time to force formatting.

Eye movements. It doesn't really bother me. It catches my attention, yes... but I'm able to overlook it (unlike a mixed up their/there, for example, which is just upsetting). Consider this my eyebrows waggling in nonchalant acceptance.

Kdot wrote:

All this "nova" talk gave me a character name. Thanks!
Renaming "Naya" to "Nova". Never liked the original name - makes me think of bottled water.

Hummm Seabrass didn't like Nova. Maybe switch it back to Naya