Topic: WIP: Exile in Time

This is a thread to discuss my WIP, Exile in Time, which is the 4th novel in my Rhiannon series.  I'll get the ball rolling by quoting from the Winterwolf Press Aquisition Team:  "(We found the piece to be an amazingly detailed fantasy story which was very open and frank about its discussion of sexuality. The Celtic mythology mixed in and the sci-fantasy spin propelled it from a normal fantasy into something more unique. Though the humorous parts are important in some aspects, one reader felt that at times the humor, though landing well, took away from the heavy impact of other parts of the story. Again, this is subjective opinion rather than a qualitative judgment. We wish you well in placing it, as we feel it's a very strong piece and it won't be hard to find a publisher.) Kind regards, The Winterwolf Press Acquisitions Team"

I don't know if they're right about it shouldn't be hard to find a publisher.  That's what rejection letter writers write, and I got tired of rejections working in academia, so I'm publishing them through Kindle.  Might try this one through Solaris.  Anyway, I've primed the pump.  And you all can thank Dirk for his suggestion about posting.

Hugs, Rhia

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It's an interesting view... I can't even visualize how it would look without the humour - would be an entirely different story. Not sure the reader approached it in the right mindset

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I agree with you Kdot.  The humor is what makes the story.  Sure, the more serious parts do too, but it's a mixture.

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Hi Rhia: Can someone start with book 4 or do you need books 1-3 to figure out what's going on?

5 (edited by Rachel (Rhiannon) Parsons 2018-08-18 17:18:24)

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Debbie:  You can sort of figure out what's going on without books 1-3.  There are scenes that play out differently in this book than in the earlier ones, so for full impact, the first 3 books should be read first, but part of what I look for in reviews is how well you can enter the series from here.  Like all other series, I try to balance people meeting the characters for the first time and the background references.  (Like say in a Faye Kellerman story) Fortunately for the reader, if not for the characters, their pasts are unraveling before their eyes, and that should put the reader on a par with the characters. lol

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What is the order of the Rhiannon series? Do. You want critique on book one?

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amy s wrote:

What is the order of the Rhiannon series? Do. You want critique on book one?

"Love in Exile"
"Out of Exile"
"Exile's End."
"Exile in Time."

The first three are already published in Kindle ($2.99 each).  Critiques would be moot, but if you want to review them and say something nice, that would be great.

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@Amy I've only read one of those (plus this one) because I'm slow... but I can mostly follow ok

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Hi Rachel: Quick question. How many POVs in Exile In Time. Is it just Barbara's?

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Debbie:  the POV is omniscient, although if a character is front-and-center, it is mainly from theirs.  I've  likened what I'm doing to J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts) who often changes POV in the middle of a paragraph. The narrator will often put some details in that the character couldn't know (at that time), to help the reader along.  From the style, I'd say the narrator is Rhiannon, deliberately using the omniscient/3rd person POV, because of the similarity of styles between this and the other books, but no name is given to her.

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Okay. Thank you.

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re your reply to the fight in chapter 40 (Ya, I'm only now getting around to replying. Don't bug me I'm slow)

Original, Names redacted wrote:

R got to her feet, kicked B, who doubled over but circled around to R’s back Got her in a hammerlock. R grabbed her hand, did an Eastern L, then pressed down on a nerve point on B’s arm and kicked her.
R moved in, kicked back...

You asked about a comparison to a Bruce Lee fight, and my answer is "Yes, I would say the same". It's quite like a movie script -it's how I expect a Bruce Lee movie script to be written:

Bruce Lee script wrote:

Lee kicks the third ninja. Third ninja falls into the river. Fourth ninja grabs Lee with nunchaku. Lee punches fourth ninja in the nose

in a Bruce Lee novel, I'd expect to be placed in the scene rather than a list of events.

Bruce Lee: The Love Story wrote:

...Ninja4, came in, nunchaku spinning while Lee put his third opponent away. The chain encircled his arm unexpectedly, sending shooting pain down his elbow. He kneed the man while ninja3 coughed and sputtered. Kneed him again, yet couldn't break the hold. At last ninja4 staggered and threw his arms out for balance. An opening for an arm lock, which Lee took...

Alas, I must end this example in that awkward moment before Lee and Ninja4 get into an embrace and start kissing. And you probably see what I meant by now. The question I should like to place is... is this a story or a sequence of events?

Mind you... a sequence of events is perfectly valid. I'd expect it of "Pulp Fiction" were it a novel. Or "Kill Bill". But it sure does steal from the story...

Sequence of events wrote:

Sam saw Gollum struggling with an invisible enemy, biting at the air viciously. Frodo suddenly reappeared, his hand bleeding from his severed finger.

Story wrote:

Suddenly Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw upwards to his mouth; his white fangs gleamed, and then snapped as they bit. Frodo gave a cry, and there he was, fallen upon his knees at the chasm’s edge.

Let me draw your attention to 'white fangs gleamed'. This gives us such a nice sense of place. Breaks up the two actions (draw to mouth vs fangs snapping shut). Also notice mention of furniture (forgive me for counting chasms as furniture). The fallen on his knees part would correspond to the point where R is getting handcuffed which is great, but it comes after a long chain of blurry events. A lot of salt and not a lot of pepper. Right about the Easter L part, there needs to be a nod to either feeling or place or time or even one of the senses - example: B got R into a nelson, longish hair tickling R's shoulder. They wrestled a moment, and R propped her feet on the (bed | sofa | alligator) for leverage ** moves continue **

I apologize if you use any of this and the 2 paragraph fight takes 16. Ask Norm about the grief I've given his nice (short) summaries.

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

Unrelated note: Tolkien sure would get a lot of nits if he posted on this site. So many unnecessary words, including the "suddenly" that Norm's been taking fire for.

Delete(reason) wrote:

[Sam saw a strange and terrible thing. (OBV)]
Gollum on the edge of the abyss was fighting [like a mad thing with](cliché) an unseen foe. [To and fro](implied) he swayed[, now so near the brink that almost he tumbled in,](smaller sentences) now dragging back, falling [to the ground](where else would he fall?), [rising, and falling again](too many -ing's). [And all the while](not needed) he hissed [but spoke no words](implied by hiss). The fires below [awoke](fires don't sleep) [in anger](over explaining), the red light blazed, [and all the cavern was filled with a great glare and heat](Not important - smaller sentences).
[Suddenly](no suddenly) Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw [upwards](too much direction) to his mouth; his [white](can any other colour gleam?) fangs gleamed, and [then] snapped as they bit. Frodo [gave a cry](cried), and there he was, [fallen upon](on) his knees at the [chasm’s] edge. But Gollum, dancing [like a mad thing], held [aloft] the ring, a finger still [thrust] within [its circle].

I say this in jest / poking fun at the site, but it's quite a real problem. We'll strip our work of its soul if we delete too much

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Who's Norm?

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+)

16

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Thank you, K.

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Thanks, Kdot.  Your distinction between sequence and story scene is a great one (very analytical.  Cough) and the examples illuminating.  I see your point and will change the fight scene (and others, if I remember) accordingly.

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OK, Kdot, how's this?

That rattled Barbara.  “You’re good.  You could have gotten a lot of that from my dossier, from some sneaky actions on your part.  You almost make me believe it.  But let’s just see how good you really are.”  Turning, her back to the sink, Barbara lunged at Rhiannon.

Rhiannon stepped aside at the point of no return, clocked Barbara on the back of the neck as she skidded by toward the bungalow’s side window.

Barbara fell down, lept up; her robe flew open, displaying a growing pinkish-red color on her knees. She circled Rhiannon, did a leg sweep and push with a knock to the fairy’s neurovasculars. There was a satisfying crack from the neck. The intruder gasped and fell.

The two women wrestled, rolling toward the sofa and back toward the window, threatening the table and Barbara’s OLED television.

Barbara’s focus went from Rhiannon to the device that had cost her two months salary.

Taking advantage of her opponent’s shift in awareness, Rhiannon brought her elbows in toward her torso, and, using her forearms and knees as frames, exploded.  Rotating her hips and shoulders, she rolled Barbara off her, jumped to her feet. The vibrations knocked the television over. It made an ominous fizzing noise.

Barbara craned her neck at her television, silently wept for her lost electronic friend, not yet paid for, still noticed that Rhiannon was about to knuckle the soft part of her legs and come down with a ridge hand to her genitals.  She jumped to avenge her lost television and subdue the enemy alien.

As Barbara landed on her feet, Rhiannon kicked the marine, who doubled over with a scream, spittle dropping on the Safavieh solid plush shag rug that separated the entertainment table and the sofa. Between the drool, the blood, and the tears from unfriendly feet, the rug too would need a visit to the furniture infirmary.

Cursing, whether to reduce her pain or because of the shambles that was replacing her lounge one couldn’t say, Barbara circled around to Rhiannon’s back. Got her in a hammerlock. Pinched the nerve on the fairy’s wrist.

Wincing in pain, Rhiannon grabbed Barbara’s hand, did an ‘L’ maneuver with her feet, then pressed down on a nerve point on Barbara’s arm and kicked her. Now, it was Barbara’s turn to scream.

Barbara, putting her mass into it, kicked back, forcing Rhiannon with an ‘oof’ to let go of her grip and step back, to prepare for a panther strike.  Before Rhiannon could complete the strike, Barbara somersaulted to her visitor, knocking her back down.

Rhiannon thrashed, the cottage cheese ceiling mocking her as Barbara finally put handcuffs on her.  Rhiannon screamed, resisted by kicking. Barbara made an iron stomach, as the feet threatened to knock the front of her stomach against the back, Tensing, the marine leg cuffed the fairy. 
Rhiannon whistled for her death sword.  She realized that was absurd; it hadn’t been forged yet.

She heard Barbara gasp, as a whirring sound got louder and louder, and the Goblin Ice blade appeared out of nowhere and sliced through Rhiannon’s shackles. It floated a fraction of an inch from her side, as she sprung up.

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

I like the flow much better - didn't have that blurry feeling. Bungalow mentioned (I had pictured it more like a locker room - part of a larger complex). Shed blood = bonus points. Tears xtra bonus points (unless those tears are rips). Last paragraph is sharper or cleaner than I remember, not sure which.

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

Kdot wrote:

Unrelated note: Tolkien sure would get a lot of nits if he posted on this site. So many unnecessary words, including the "suddenly" that Norm's been taking fire for.

Delete(reason) wrote:

[Sam saw a strange and terrible thing. (OBV)]
Gollum on the edge of the abyss was fighting [like a mad thing with](cliché) an unseen foe. [To and fro](implied) he swayed[, now so near the brink that almost he tumbled in,](smaller sentences) now dragging back, falling [to the ground](where else would he fall?), [rising, and falling again](too many -ing's). [And all the while](not needed) he hissed [but spoke no words](implied by hiss). The fires below [awoke](fires don't sleep) [in anger](over explaining), the red light blazed, [and all the cavern was filled with a great glare and heat](Not important - smaller sentences).
[Suddenly](no suddenly) Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw [upwards](too much direction) to his mouth; his [white](can any other colour gleam?) fangs gleamed, and [then] snapped as they bit. Frodo [gave a cry](cried), and there he was, [fallen upon](on) his knees at the [chasm’s] edge. But Gollum, dancing [like a mad thing], held [aloft] the ring, a finger still [thrust] within [its circle].

One of my reviewers hit me with a review like this.

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

Kdot wrote:

I like the flow much better - didn't have that blurry feeling. Bungalow mentioned (I had pictured it more like a locker room - part of a larger complex). Shed blood = bonus points. Tears xtra bonus points (unless those tears are rips). Last paragraph is sharper or cleaner than I remember, not sure which.

Thanks, Kdot.  Don't apologize for being slow; you gave me a thoughtful and useful review here.

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

Dirk B. wrote:
Kdot wrote:

Unrelated note: Tolkien sure would get a lot of nits if he posted on this site. So many unnecessary words, including the "suddenly" that Norm's been taking fire for.

Delete(reason) wrote:

[Sam saw a strange and terrible thing. (OBV)]
Gollum on the edge of the abyss was fighting [like a mad thing with](cliché) an unseen foe. [To and fro](implied) he swayed[, now so near the brink that almost he tumbled in,](smaller sentences) now dragging back, falling [to the ground](where else would he fall?), [rising, and falling again](too many -ing's). [And all the while](not needed) he hissed [but spoke no words](implied by hiss). The fires below [awoke](fires don't sleep) [in anger](over explaining), the red light blazed, [and all the cavern was filled with a great glare and heat](Not important - smaller sentences).
[Suddenly](no suddenly) Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw [upwards](too much direction) to his mouth; his [white](can any other colour gleam?) fangs gleamed, and [then] snapped as they bit. Frodo [gave a cry](cried), and there he was, [fallen upon](on) his knees at the [chasm’s] edge. But Gollum, dancing [like a mad thing], held [aloft] the ring, a finger still [thrust] within [its circle].

One of my reviewers hit me with a review like this.

I'm reminded of Rockefeller who, once he became wealthy, supported legislation that would ban how he became wealthy.  I would add to the list of those who would be excluded by editors today such illuminaries as Dorothy Sayers, e.e. cummings, Melville...the list goes on and on and on. One of the reasons that I decided to self-publish.  I may only make a pittance (I average about $30 a month in royalties; last month was $2.95), but I have an audience that appreciates me and as for the rest?  Their loss, not mine.

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cattle prod time soon

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Somebody said that "freedom of the press is only a right to those who own a printing press."  Well, these days, we all own a printing press (or can rent one through providers like Amazon).  Time for aggressive marketing.  It's not true that build it and they will come.  But tell them about it after you build it, and they will come.

25 (edited by Dirk B. 2018-10-30 19:00:18)

Re: WIP: Exile in Time

Rachel (Rhiannon) Parsons wrote:

It's not true that build it and they will come.

Noah had this problem too.