The Journal
Dear Reader:
If you’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to stumble upon this pathetic collection of words, called My Journal, then I pity you, my hapless friend. We are bound now, you and I, to an ever increasing sharing of all things at once personal, yet worn, futile, and eternally sorrowful. I say bound with full understanding of it's meaning; for once someone as soft of heart as yourself has sensed… no, breathed, the torment contained within these pages, your very being will not rest until I am rescued, as if you could rescue me… if only you could.
My Journal
I promise you, my friend, to be honest and truthful in my tale of woe. I owe you that much. I will guide my pen therefore, to lie before you nothing of my own imagining, but only those things in which others can bear testimony. There are many who have turned aside from the sorrow they claimed I’ve brought them, but they can be found and compelled to give account of what I say, if you feel the need after my tale is told.
You must believe.
I need you to believe.
The living can choose to believe… or not, but it isn’t so with the dead. The dead have no need to believe… for they know.
My tale begins in 1968 when I turned twelve. Yes, yes of course there was a life I led up to my twelfth year, but I can barely remember it. I had family then. I had friends then. All that changed when I turned twelve.
I do remember the party, my twelfth birthday. It is such a vivid memory, although I think my mind has been at play with some of the details. Most of the memory of that day is intact…unchanged, but not all. I say this to be completely honest with you, dear reader, as I promised. There are clues that not all I remember is as it really was. Some faces in this horrible memory are different, I’m sure of it. They are fierce and hard now, and I know that couldn’t have been the way it was. After the accident, certainly, they were that way...but not before. They all loved me before it happened.
My true love was at the party, my soul mate, Dora. …I hear you laughing. Don’t laugh at what I tell you. Never laugh at me. I loved her, and she loved me. It didn’t matter that we were only twelve. Our love was a pure, sweet thing that you cannot fathom.
I told you that you could believe me, didn’t I? Haven’t I been honest with you?
I’ll try to tell you everything about the accident, the first one, on the day my life changed forever, but sometimes I cannot remember all things that happened. The doctors told me my mind did those kinds of things on it's own, playing hide and seek. The rules of this game are hazy to me. I call out words like 'Safety' and 'Olli- Olli-Oxen-Free' and other silly things, but they refuse to come out from their hiding places. The doctors said this was normal, under the circumstances, but I don’t believe them. I think my mind is changing the rules without telling me…not telling me the new calling words… and that’s not fair, is it?
The party; I remember it all today. It was at Dora’s house, just down the street from the park where we all played, and ran, and shouted at the top of our lungs. I liked her house. It was small with a bright white wooden fence around it. Dora’s mother said the fence kept dogs out of her yard. She said they dug up her flowers. But Dora’s older sister Janice… a horrible name for a horrible girl… she said it was to keep boys out, especially me. She hated me, and I hated her. But I didn’t hurt her on purpose, no matter what anyone says.
Dora’s mother knew how much we cared for each other. That is why she gave me the party, so we could share my day. And she baked a most beautiful birthday cake. She made it just for me; did I tell you that? It was so perfect. The icing was white; swirled and caressed into waves of frosting. And on the top she wrote my name in the most brilliant of blue icing I have ever seen. I like the memory of the cake; it has remained the most pleasant of thoughts, and I think of it often. In my mind’s eye the cake occasionally has red frosting; sometimes only the writing is crimson and dripping. That is only on my very worst days, the days my mind wants to hurt me… punish me.
Janice had to be at the party. I think she could have been somewhere else if she wanted. But, no… she would not go away. Her friends had to be at my birthday too. They ruined everything. They taunted me. They told lies about me, and ruined our games. I hate Janice; did I tell you that?
Dora handed me a knife. It was large and heavy and sharp. Have you seen the knives for wedding cakes? It was a grand knife like one of those. I remember standing at the table with the knife, and the knife glinted in the light. It was like a mirror.
Do you know what Janice did to my cake; my beautiful birthday cake that Dora’s mom made special, just for me? She took one of her pudgy hands and her dirty fingernails and dug deep finger furrows through my name.
Janice then leaned close to me, and with fruit-punch tainted breath said, "Next, we'll dig in your back yard...yes! A scavenger hunt! I bet we find Pixy and Princess!"
And she laughed at me; her giddy, cackling laugh.
Never laugh at me… did I tell you that?
I turned and pointed the knife at Janice’s fleshy, pink neck.
You must be careful with knives or bad things can happen; but I’m sure you already know that.
I must be honest with you again before I continue this tale because I keep my promises. I’m not sure Cole was the boy who shoved Janice. I told the policeman it was him. I can’t say that now. My memory plays nasty tricks on me when I try too hard to remember. In one trick I see it’s not Cole at all, but Steven pushing Janice. Another trick I see, Janice is screaming. But that memory can’t be true. She couldn’t have screamed, even if she wanted to. Could she scream with all that red icing bubbling from her mouth? All that crimson icing dripping over my beautiful, white cake.
Stop.
I don’t like that memory. My mind wants to hurt me now, but I won’t allow it, not today. My cake was beautiful and white, and my name was in brilliant blue. That part is true, I’m sure of it.
Do I have to tell you the parts that stir my mind up against me? I don’t think that it's fair, not really. I want to tell you exactly what happened; really I do. But I only want to tell you what I am certain is true.
I remember all the children in a circle around Janice on the floor. I remember the look on their faces, like they never saw red icing before. It was all over Janice… all over the floor. Janice’s mother screamed at her as she lay there in her mess. I think she was angry Janice soiled her dress. She turned to me, her eyes so big, then howled like an animal. Several kids pointed at me. There must be something wrong with me, so I tried to see what they were pointing at. My shirt and pants dripped with red icing too. I don’t think the stains will ever come out.
Can I tell you the lies others told about me? After all, they won’t be my lies. They didn’t promise to tell you the truth like I did, did they?
Janice’s mother screeched out a hideous lie that I hurt her daughter, that I did it on purpose. She said I killed her precious girl. She cried and wailed and fell over Janice, and Janice just lay there as still as she could. She wanted to get me into trouble again; she wanted to make her mother hate me like she hated me. Janice would do anything to get me into trouble.
I told Janice to get up. I yelled at her to stop faking. She was ruining my day! I looked at Dora; she was standing so very quiet. I asked her to make Janice get up, but she just looked at me. I walked toward her with my hands held out, but she ran away from me as fast as she could. I remember hearing the screen door slam open, and shut behind her.
I looked back at Janice and her mom lying on the floor in all that crimson icing. It was such a terrible mess Janice was making. I knelt beside her and told her what a bad girl she was for ruining her mother’s new rug. That is when I saw the hard look on her mother’s face; it was so fierce and clenched. She hit me then. She hit me so hard my face went numb and I fell to the floor beside them.
I have to be honest with you again. My mind won’t let me remember some things yet. It won’t listen to me no matter how much I ask about some things. I talk to my mind, and it talks back to me; did I tell you that? Some things you don’t tell anyone, not even yourself. But I think I can trust you to know this.
The policeman’s lies were the worst of them all. It wasn’t my fault. Someone pushed Janice from behind, but the policeman told the judge I drove that grand knife all the way through her throat. He said I pushed it through with all my might until Janice was flat on the floor. He said I stomped on the handle of the knife until it buried into the floor. He made up these lies to get me into trouble. He showed the judge pictures of the hole in the floor. He said it was from the knife, but I know better. Something must have dropped there on the floor long ago. I was only twelve. Could a twelve year old do these things?
The doctors were very nice to me at first. They told me I was sick, but I never believed them. I felt fine. I told them I knew I didn’t do those things the policeman said. When I asked my mind if I had done such an awful thing, it didn’t say anything at all. It always tries to hurt me if it can; it would have told me those things were true just to cause me pain, I’m sure of it. But it said nothing at all… so you see, I couldn’t have done it. It was just a silly accident.
It was while I was with the doctors that Janice snuck into the hospital. I’m not sure how she did it, but one day she was standing behind my doctor, the tall one with kind eyes. When the doctor walked across the room, Janice stood in the very spot where the doctor stood before.
She startled me with an ear-piercing scream. Not the kind when you are afraid. No, no… not that kind; it was the, ‘I hate you and I’m going to scratch out your eyes and leave you with bloody holes in your sorry head,’ kind of scream. She threw herself toward me at a full run.
I screamed at the top of my lungs. I put up my hands to stop her, but nothing could prevent her from clawing those dirty fingernails across my face. I knew she’d leave deep finger furrows through my eyes; I just knew it. I screamed… and screamed… and screamed, eyes closed, trying to protect myself with my hands.
Next thing I knew, my back was on the floor and my hands were being held down. I struggled and screamed and tried to fight back, but she was too strong for me. And all the while, Janice screamed and cursed me with a rage I’d never heard before.
When I couldn’t keep my eyes closed any longer, I lunged as hard as I could to get up; all the while Janice was still screaming and cursing.
But it wasn’t Janice holding me down.
It was the doctors.
That is when I realized I was on my own in that place, for they did nothing to keep that vile girl away from me. No, no… they were helping her! They were holding me down, letting her claw and scratch at me as much as she liked. I struggled to protect myself, but could do nothing but wiggle and squirm like a gasping fish.
The doctors kept telling me to relax, everything was going to be okay, but it wasn’t. Janice circled me now. I begged the doctors to make her go away. She shouldn’t be here. I told them she would hurt me. I tried as best I could to keep track of her as she stalked around, sometimes right next to one doctor, then the other. They did nothing to stop her! They just told me everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.
Someone stuck me with a needle. I began to cry. And that made Janice smile. Her smile was crooked and smirking and pure evil. She melted until she was nothing but a bubbling pool of red icing at my feet. The bubbling pool swirled on the floor until it seeped deeply into the carpet and disappeared.
The next several days I slept. But when I awoke, mom and dad were with me. I was so happy to see them. Dad smiled and mom cried. I tried to sit up; I needed to be held by mom so badly and have her tell me it was all a dream. But straps of leather held me to the bed. I struggled and begged them to let me go, to undo the straps and hold me tight. Dad just looked at me with an odd face, as if I just asked for a new bike, or a pony.
It was the look of no.
As I strained to get up, crying, looking up into my parents’ faces, I remember thinking that nothing could be worse than this.
But I was wrong.
My mind began whispering to me again. I think it had been sleeping too, because it had been so quiet. I almost forgot to wake it up. It sounded different now, somehow soothing and caring and protective. It whispered to me to be careful, to watch what I said. It said dark things too. It said mom and dad wanted the doctors to keep me here. It said they believed all those lies.
Suddenly, my mind startled me with a warning…Janice! She was back, hiding behind my parents. I strained at the straps to see her, to keep track of the beast child. I couldn’t see her, but knew she was there. My mind was sure of it, and so I believed it too.
I remember screaming at her to go away and leave me alone, but my own voice sounded so far away to me, weak and tormented. Mom and dad acted so strange as I pleaded for them to help me; to make Janice leave me alone for good. Janice kept in the shadows, dodging about the room in helter-skelter fashion. But I could hear her cackling laugh. She laughed and laughed.
I found my strongest voice and begged mom and dad to help me. They asked me where Janice was. They wanted me to point out where I thought she might be. When Janice stood still, I pointed. There, I said…there she is! I screamed, Go away! Make her go away!
It was then that I realized Janice was holding something muddy in each hand. Moma! I cried. She found Pixy and Princess. She's holding them by their tails!
God...oh God! What have you done? Mama said, looking at me as if I could give her an answer. I remember thinking, how could she blame God?I don't think God buried them at all, it must have been Janice.
Mom and dad called the doctors. They let the doctors stick me with a needle and make me cry. All the while, Janice laughed… and laughed.
Mom and dad didn’t believe me. Mom and dad said the doctors could help me.
I don’t believe them anymore.
Did I tell you that they never came back to see me after that day?
Did I tell you that?
But the doctors stayed.
And Janice stayed.
The days turned to weeks, and then into years. I learned a lot once I began to listen closely to my mind. It whispers to me all the time now, teaching me so many things I never understood before. I’ve learned how to ignore Janice and her ranting, at least most days. My mind told me she could only hurt me if I talked to her. Once I stopped yelling and screaming at Janice, the doctors stopped sticking me with needles. It took a long time, but now Janice only circles me... and sulks most days. I can live with that.
I do have to be careful, oh yes I do. My mind likes to hurt me sometimes. It hides things from me, and tricks me, but I told you that already. It wants me to do things I won’t tell you about… not today.
Bad things.
When I turned 18, the hospital turned me out, just like that. They said they no longer could keep me there. They said I was better now, maybe healed in fact. They were so proud of themselves.
I smiled, shook their hands, and never looked back.
I’ve managed on my own since then. I’d like to say that everything was just fine, but I promised the truth, didn’t I? The truth is, Janice is still with me. She sulks and curses, but I don’t care. She doesn’t scare me anymore.
Janice has friends now.
Did I tell you that?
I ask my mind where they all came from, but it won’t tell me. My memory has played nasty tricks on me when I try too hard to remember, so I stopped trying.
Truth is; it doesn’t matter to me at all.
Not anymore.
A few of them are old. Others look younger than me. They all remind me of Janice. One is black, and two are brown, but all the rest are white.
They are all girls.
Did I tell you that?
****
So now, dear reader, it’s up to you. I believe you can help rescue me after all. We haven’t exactly met, though I have seen you many times before. You’ve looked into my eyes once or twice. Most times you turn your head away... and try to ignore me and my cardboard sign. You’ve never given me any money, but that’s okay.
I don’t want money from you.
Not you.
I have a plan, a plan to free myself from the bind of all these wicked girls. And you don’t have to do anything, anything at all. I know exactly what I need to do. Next time you see me standing with my sign at the corner… the one near the freeway; don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid when I jump into your car and slam the door shut; just drive away fast, as fast as you can. The girls won’t be able to follow us. I know this for sure because my mind has told me so. And even if they try, I’ll protect you.
I have a knife, a grand knife, shiny as a mirror.
Did I tell you that?
© Copyright 2025 Derek Atkins. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
Derek Oh my God. I wish I could give you a ten on this story. In all the reading I have done, I have never read anything like this. You have written it so well--like someone who has really experienced this. I certainly hope you have not. The mind is a cruel thing sometimes. I found no fault with this at all. Maybe because it held my interest so intensely that I was looking for no errors. I hope you have more of this story since it is page 1. You never said how old Janice is only that she is older. I certainly will read more of your work. Very good job bargeafloat
Written by a very cool ghoul. The voice is right on the money-- a sick-o, turned out by the system, another of the many "success stories" produced by the correctional/mental health industry. What's scary is that we never really know what goes on inside the mind of a mentally ill person. Your rendering is eye-popping, and the story should be shown to any mental health professionals you know. That is, as long as they have a sense of humor.
derek, this is by far the best put together, best organized, and best overall story I have read on this site. You have tremendous talent and you should already be published. I am amazed at how well you brought this mental case together. I would also give you a ten if possible. I can't wait to read some more. Fantastic job.
Tom(2tall4me)
Derek,
I'm with everyone else on this! All I can say is - Wow! That is powerful! However, if I see you on the corner, I don't think I'll let you in! Where on earth did you come up with this? It reads very real. I'm impressed. I only have a couple of small suggestions:
There are many [that] (who) have turned aside
(al)though I think my mind has been at play
Keep writing - you've got talent!
Snowriter
Derek, this is the perfect piece of writing ! I cannot find anything to take issue with in any respect and I congratulate you, it's fantastic !
You held me in thrall from the moment I read "Let's step into madness, shall we ?" That was creepy and from then on I was rivetted.I too hope that you have not experienced this. Hurry up and write some more, I eagerly await your next offering
Derek...
shocked & stunned, i catch my breath... what a brilliantly chilling warped & twisted tale. You direct the reader's through the inflamed labyrinths of Master Prot's mind. I love the way you crescendo the significance of things & the childlike/madcrazy repetition of phrases. This is not only an excellently evil short story but it's flecked with pure poetics also.
It is so so so... amazing/brilliant/wonderful/splendid* [*you chose the adj.!] how the prot's mind gradually separates away from his spirit. Incredible but credible. I keep imagining what would happen if your madman bumped into Mr Profiler from *Razorblades*!
One typo i spotted. Just one: I say bound with full understanding of the words’ meaning - move the apostrophe one letter back [word's].
Keep on posting! I wanna read on & on!
Rebecca
They told me to read this...Janice and her friends. They want me to understand. Did I tell you that?
Very well done! Not many stories are produced at this site of this quality and this may be the best. If you are not submitting this for publication you should. I am sure that there are many that will jump at the chance of showing their readership such a quality piece, albeit dark and scary. I thoroughly enjoyed this work and look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Derek,
I will probably not sleep tonight.
I have no clue how you managed to write this. It is so very chilling. And he's so bad but so innocent, I just... I just don't know what to say, except that I am amazed. That line, where you said Janice has friends, hit me physically.
This story gave me the creeps in a major way.
Did I tell you that?
Wow, I read this story on the recommendation from several people in the forum. I'm glad they made that recommendation. It's truly powerful and scary stuff and brilliantly executed. Like the others, I too wonder how you came up with it. I envy your imagination, hoping of course that it is totally based on imagination!
Judy
Derek,
You are the man! This is a truly compelling look into a warped, troubled mind. I love the way you capture the odd parallel strands and asides that are the thought patterns of the slightly mad/troubled.
Scanning through the reviews you have already received I don't have too much to add I'm afraid. I tend to focus on the overall impact/effect a story or piece of writing has on me when I read it and review based on that. I assume that typos/punc issues will be sorted in final edit.
My only slight concern is for yourself, mate. Writing like this can only come from a mind crawling towards the edge. You and me alike then.
Great job. Great story. Submit it, if you have not already done so.
Scott.
I can not possibly put into words how well written this is. I have read a lot in my lifetime, and only a few have been able to document madness like this.
You should publish this my friend. I would pay money for it, and then some. In fact, once I read this, I would want to read your next story, or novel. and then the next...This is quite possibly one of the best pieces I have read in a very long time in the psychological arena. Thank you for putting this on the site for me to read!
Hi Derek, this was bloody brilliant, and creepy and is freaking me out and not in a good way. I sincerly hope for all concerned this is not autobiographical.
This was wonderfully concieved and executed- did I tell you that?
The mind is a wonderfully scary thing and you have tapped into a very chilling aspect of sanity(Insanity?)
wonderful- did I tell you that?
Whoa, Derek! Chillingly frightening and flawlessly written. You either have a terrific imagination or you're one very sick individual! :) (I'm opting for the former and sincerely hope that I'm right, for the sake of all of those around you!) This is of the same quality as very early Stephen King. (That is when I think he did his finest writing and he kind of lost me as time went on, but he found me again with some of his latest stuff.)
You ARE submitting this, aren't you? You simply must! Check out The Writer's Market and you'll find lots of places that publish this sort of thing. I just hope that once you've submitted it, the men in white coats don't come knocking on your door!
Derek,
You were right this is decidedly not my genre but that should not affect my evaluation. (Usually it affects it the other way, if someone writes just about anything about love, I'm more likely to subjectively give it a higher rating...)
Anyway, the story was interesting, but for me lacked one big thing. I would have been able to connect to the story far more effectively if I understood more about Janice, where she was coming from and what she was about.
For example, was Dora better looking than Janice? Did Janice like the main character? What other ways did Janice terrorize the main character? Did Dora like Janice? Had Janice physically hurt either of them? What were her friends like?
As in your poetry, your knack for being richly descriptive carried over in some instances (like the line "The icing was white; swirled and caressed into waves of frosting" and describing Janice's dirty fingernails...a vivid and interesting description, that unfortunately for me, lacked context).
The description of Janice having friends now was chilling as well, and I suppose in some way I'm supposed to conclude that the main character became a killer. The connection of the knife at the end was pretty chilling I must admit that.
Again, without the context of understanding more of the context of main character's feelings about Janice, Dora and amongst one another, it was hard to connect to the story.
I don't even need to get more info on whether it was really an accident or not, leaving that up to me is cool. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that there were parts of the story (like the police station or the mom and dad (nice job not capitalizing them by the way), etc. that took up the space where you could have brought out more of what the main characters were about in the life changing event and how that manifested into a life of killing (I think) in the future.
I did like how you positioned the mind being a safekeeper. I would have preferred that you took a line or two to perhaps explain how the mind bends and shapes things like you did in one of the poems I reviewed.
One small thing: early on in the journal you have a line "All changed when I was twelve." You may or may not have meant to make the sentence awkward gramatically but I had to read it a couple of times to understand it.
You are superior at using words to paint me into an experience, I would like to read more where you develop the other characters more deeply into the painting rather than painting more people into it if that makes sense.
You're either a durn fine writer or on the FBI's most wanted list. This is, for lack of a better word, visceral. It's disturbing on several levels and I enjoyed it. This is a very tightly woven first-person narrative of a tortured soul. Masterfully executed, it certainly accomplishes what it is crafted for, reader discomfort.
Good morning, Derek Atkins! This is a fine chiller! If you meant to turn your readers' blood to ice in their veins, you succeeded. I have just one criticism. I hope you'll consider it constructive as it is intended to be. It's this: I'm a little troubled by your style. Maybe I should explain what I mean by style: consistency. If you write "Twentieth Century," it would be inconsistent to write "20th Century" two lines further down. Both are correct. It's just not particularly good style to mix the two of them in one composition. The kind of inconsistency in your story is a little more subtle. Your begin with a prologue, an isolated title, and then four paragraphs in nine lines of what might be an introduction and the beginning of a diary. But thereafter, everything has the smack of pure dialogue, the spoken - not written - ravings of a madman. Why else would your protagonist keep repeating "...did I (already) tell you that?" ? In my opinion, your writing should make it clear throughout either that it is a written diary, or that it is a conversation with an unseen interlocutor. I think this aspect of your story needs "fixing." 'How could it be "fixed"'? you might ask. There are infinite easy, perfectly good ways to do this. One way might be to begin your story with your protagonist talking in monologue to the driver of a car who had just picked him up when he was hitchhiking. Something along these lines: "Thanks, Mister. Going? I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to get away from 'them'..." This would enable you to come full circle at the end with: "drive fast ...so 'they' (I'd leave everything else out up to this point) can't catch us. Don't worry. Even if they do, I'll protect you. I've got a knife. See? A grand knife, shiny as a mirror. Did I tell you that?" There is one more point worth mentioning, even if it is only a mere technicality. People who hallucinate take their hallucinations for true perceptions of reality. For this reason, they might not refer to their hallucinations as tricks their mind plays on them. But this is purely academic. The fifteen reviews you have accumulated thus far clearly demonstrate that your craft easily convinces your readers to "suspend disbelief" over this triviality and engross themselves in your tale. You can be confident in your ability to write thrilling prose. The sixteen reviews you now have prove it. Sonny
Hi Derek,
I am sitting here with chills running up and down my spine. This is one of the scariest pieces of writing, because it reads very much like a real diary or journal. I am not one prone to nightmares, but it is a strong possibility that I will have them tonight. I could not find one word out of place in this. No errors, and in a way, that added to the creepiness factor. It had the psychopathic attention ot detail that you read about in case studies of serial killers. I can only say, MOve over Mr. S. King, Derek has arrived, and he means business! I can only suggest offering this to any and all publications you can think of. This is extremely tight, well written, scary, and polished. If there is an improvement to be made, I can not see it. Remind me to turn on a night light tonight!
Linda
Derek,
I didn't beleive your invitation at first, I thought "snake oil salesman." There is going to be some gotcha twist at the end. Halfway through I had decided OK, maybe this is a psychopath, no conscience just total ability to negate the truth of the past event. But when Janice showed up I realized your invittation was an honest one and this was a glimpse into the world of a schizophrenic. An unmedicated, hopelessly delusional paranoid schizophrenic. Despite the chilling ending, I have sympathy for this victim of a cruel disease.
I saw a shizophrenic once wearing a wool overcoat at noon in the 100 degree heat of a June day in Tucson, Arizona. He was pacing back and forth in the sun, convinced he was in a snowstorm. The power of his delusion was so completly in charge of his body --he wasn't sweating. The only thing a bit contrived is the attempt to pull the reader in as a journal entry. It went on a bit too long. I forgave you by the end, but it still smacked of a snake oil salesman.
Thanks for a great read. And thanks for writing only a short story, I probably wouldn't have been able to finish a novel like this without an emergency visit to the cardiac unit!
Well done, derek! This is quite ready to send out. It has a wonderfuk cadence buried in that twiated, chilling voice. It has atmosphere, and longing. I occassionally read this typre of genre, and there are e-zines that I'm sure would snap this one up. Giid luck with it. Glad I went looking for you, and found this.
There are clues that not all I remember is as it really was (And the clue here is that we can count on you to be an Unreliable Narrator - brilliant) ***
They all loved me before [it happened.] ( I think it is redundant)****
I call out words like, “Safety???, and “Olli- Olli-Oxen-Free???, and other silly things, (I would substitute single inverted commas- like this - 'safety' and delete the commmas) ****
But I didn’t hurt her on purpose, no matter what anyone says. (Setting the stage for the denouement so beautifully... I suspect the hateful girl is about to get what she 'deserves'. ) ****
Janice had to be at the party. (There is an additional space between 'be' and 'at'.)***
I’m not sure Cole was the boy who shoved Janice. (same thing, space between 'sure' and 'Cole'.)*****
‘I hate you and I’m going to scratch out your eyes and leave you with bloody holes in your sorry head,’ kind of scream. (I singled this out to tell you how much I LOVE it) ***
. I couldn’t see her, but knew she was there. (extra space between 'but' and 'knew'.) Also, Derek, somehow it slipped into italics about midstream which is way more difficult to read. It has happened to me, I know how easy it is to have formatting issues. ****
They are all girls.
Did I tell you that? . (There is an extra period hanging out there. Someone's going to miss that period...but that will be another story ; > ) *****
Regarding the rest - when will you submit this for publication? There are any number of places that would be thrilled to get this piece. Fix those tiny little punctuation issues and it is good to go. Good luck.
Oh, and Derek? Please let me know if you find my review style helpful. If it doesn't work for you, how I could improve it. Thank you.
hi, derek! i missed out on this one, til a sitebuddy brought it up to my attention - thankful for it. 'tis ready to go. inciseful insight into the dementia dimension of the schizophrenic serial killer. well planned, too - pulling the reader into his warped reality with the brainwashing refrain "I tould you that, didn't i".
excellent writing, thanks for sharing!
Damn that's freaky. I almost believed this was an autobiography of someone. Sorry it took me so long to take a gander at this. Ivey told me it was freaky, but damn.... This is an amazing peice Derek. This needs to be published somewhere in actual print. I only have a few notes other then praise.....
"All [that] changed when I was twelve."
"My memory has played nasty tricks on me when I try too hard to remember." Mu memory plays nasty tricks.....
Barry
Oh my, an absolutely flawless story. Very disturbing, but all too real nonetheless. I assume you have done your research on mental illness, since this man would definitely fit the profile of someone who is insane. I loved how you referred to blood as red icing. That was a great metaphor! Also, the scenes in the hospital were very descriptive. Not only does the reader understand what is going on inside his head, but you also understand the reality of the situation. Also, the line about his mom and dad never visiting again is all too real, since so many mentally ill people don't have family who care about them.
Derek, I will never be able to look at the guy on the corner the say way again! This is so wonderfully written and totaly freaky! Hold on, I think I need to go turn on all the lights in my house. This is some damn good writing. The last part just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end! Great work! -Mary
Hello Derek. I'm not sure how much praise you can withstand concerning this piece, wouldn't want you to go crazy, would we? Original, powerful, well written. I'm not sure which of your personalities wrote this, but give them a pat on the back if you ever figure it out. A fine piece of writing here...Very well done...excellent...Jerry
Hi derek, please dont think of me as being mean here. I review strickly from a reader's standpoint and I struggled with this piece. I know everyone else loved it and that is awesome. It is well written mechanically and paced good enough. My only problem is with Janice, who is she and why does she treat him like that? And the line about dont laugh at me, pity me but dont laugh at me, I just couldnt invision a seriously crazy person saying something like that. It sounds good but I wonder about its realism. Oh well these are just my 2 Cents. Ryan
Derek-
This was really powerful--a commentary on the state of public mental institutions that turn unhealthy people out into the streets because they no longer want the expense of caring for them.
I liked the more rudimentary diction and sentence structure used to suggest someone young at first then someone whose mind has never matured.
I liked the whole unreliable narrator device. You must have read Poe in your formative years because your pro was much like a Poe protagonist with a need to talk to the reader.
I felt so sorry for this vulnerable little boy.
It would have been interesting for him to hint at family of origin issues that led to a psychotic break at such a young age. Not a long, involved history. Just a little information to help us understand what drove him to his mental instability.
Thanks for posting this. I'm sure you'll be very successful once all the crits are counted at the end of the next competition cycle.
best,
gale
Hi, Derek. While horror isn't normally my cup of tea, this is extremely well done. Also, I am not generally fond of the direct addressing of the reader, but in this case it works very well, and is necessary to set up the end. The twist at the end is perfect, especially the last line. This one is read to face the outside world. I think you should put it into manuscript form, write a cover letter, and send it off to the highest paying horror market you can find. This is quite publishable.
Wow. Your story left me feeling mentally bothered. The haunting realization is that many people are affected by this paranoia. I loved your repeated line of "Did I tell you that?" Each time I could hear and see the character speaking the line in such a cruel and twisted sense. I also like the repeated reference about his mind wanting to hurt him with the truth. The description of the cake icing turning the color of blood was a great effect. I would like to know more about Janice. Who or what does she really represent? I find nothing wrong with your writings and everthing right. I want more. I hope you develop this further. Well done.
WOW! I loved the set up of the story being like a journal. The little boys "voice" is well dedicated to his age. I have very little criticism. I enjoyed the fact that you’re acknowledging the reader from time to time. My reaction to the piece was priceless. My favorite short story yet! Love to read more of your work, keep writing!
Ash
Hi Derek,
This is a fine and, in the end, very sad story. It illustrates how much we care about the mentally ill, discarding them as if they don't exist, so they become a threat to themselves (again), society in general, and me, as an ignorant commuter, personally.
There are a few instances where I hoped to see some dialog, particularly when the parents paid their one and only visit, and I urge you to consider it. It could make for a fine breaker of editors' hearts.
Also, consider getting rid of the first part (before 'My Journal'.) You easily weave it into the body of the piece.
As far as my comments are concerned, I've placed myself in the shoes of a cranky editor. I know a few of these types. Did I tell ya that? :o)
BTW, my email address is lekkerkerk at adelphia dot net. You're more than welcome to email me any and all revisions. Then go to ralan.com, find yourself a few horror magazines that you like, and submit.
Kind regards,
Ben
I say bound with full understanding of the words’ meaning *** word's ***
There are many that *** I think that should be 'who' *** have turned aside from the sorrow I’ve brought them
A few times in my mind’s eye the cake has red frosting; *** This feels a little clunky. How about 'In my mind's eye, the cake occasionally has red frosting'? ***
They said lies about me *** 'told' maybe more natural than 'said' ***
The doctors were very nice to me at first. They told me I am sick, but I don’t believe them. I feel fine. I told them I know I didn’t do those things the policeman said. When I asked my mind if I had done such an awful thing, it didn’t say anything at all. It always tries to hurt me if it can; it would have told me those things were true just to cause me pain, I’m sure of it. But it said nothing at all… so you see, I couldn’t have done it. It was just a silly accident. *** There are a few tense changes in this paragraph. Whereas I can see that one or two might be okay in present tense, you are talking about something that happened in the past (and, if this is a true journal, written in the past), and I'd stick with it. ***
It was while I was with the doctors Janice snuck into the hospital. *** Although I'm not much of a 'that' fan, there are instances when it's needed. Just to be on the safe side, I'd recommend inserting one after 'doctors.' ***
but nothing could prevent her from digging *** scratching'? 'clawing'? *** those dirty fingernails across my face
She then melted as I watched until she was nothing but a bubbling pool of red icing at my feet. ***The beginning of the sentence feels a little awkward. Why not go for something simple: 'She melted until she...' et cetera? It's obvious to the reader that you're watching it. Same goes for the next sentence: 'The bubbling pool swirled...' et cetera ***
Did I tell you that? . *** There's a period after the question mark. I'm sure you've removed it by now :o) ***
Upon rereading this for about the 6th time, I still get chills. I almost believe you're the man on the freeway, with the cardboard sign. The delusional boy that was a victim of a terrible circumstance. I thought I'd have more to add with this read, but all I can think of is to add more description to the incident with Janice. Take us there with the bubling pool of red icing. Maybe have her say something after dragging her long, dirty nails across his name. Just a thought anyway..... one line caught my attention..... "I don’t think that is[it's] fair, not really.".....
Barry
Amazing, this is the best writing I have read on this site yet, and the best short-story of any kind I have read in a while. You had me hooked from the start and I couldn't stop reading.
I looked over it a second time, trying to find any kind of advice to offer, but to no avail. This is great stuff! Please write more, this is definitly the best thing I've read on this site...but I already told you that.
Derek, this is brilliant. I've had to stop, do something else read it again and do something else again before writing this review because it would have come out gibberish.
And I still feel uncomfortable.
The way you build up the tension with a character who can't develop by telling the story so simply, with the obsessive repetition, is so magnificantly effective, it caught me up into his mind and hasn't let me go yet.
There are two points where I seem to remember feeling the tension slip.
1. Going from the 'dear reader' section into 'My Journal' it changed in style from a Gothic, perhaps ghost story (who could know just then?) into what it is, a modern exploration of madness. So I would have been sucked in more effectively if you had started with 'I promise you my friend'.
2.
Hey Derek. This was very interesting. When i saw the title i thought for some reason that it might have to do with someone finding their dead loved one's journal, but it was completely different. I think you did a very great job with this and i'm excited to read more.
Kristy
Derek, it was great the first time I read it and it was still great on the second reading. I love an effective depiction of madness in writing. You have achieved that. The reader sort of loves and hates the narrator. The writing style and choice of words fits perfectly. You have a talent.
But I'm afraid I have no suggestions for improvements. Scott.
First off, Derek...a bloody good write. 1st person stuff like this can create really strong characterisation as the writer takes us readers inside the mind of the narrator. You have done this extremely well. He is scary but yet the reader should have some compassion for him as well. So, for characterisation...top marks.
Story line?: The ending made this work. A psycho released back into the world and killing again...but not in his own twisted mind. Again, great.
Writing style: In 1st person I guess you have to write as the character would speak/write and therefore a certain looseness in sentences is needed. This needs to be balanced though so the reader says "good writer that is compensating for the characterisation" rather than "writing could be tighter". My only crit in your piece...and it is not a major one...is that there are a few parts that I felt could be more tightly written. One example from the opening section:
'We are bound now, you and I, to an ever increasing sharing of all things at once personal, yet worn, futile, and eternally sorrowful.' Words could be cut or the sentence turned round and it would be stronger.
That said, the repeated use of "Did I tell you that?" was an excellent character build through the style.
Any suggestions? Wow...with a piece like this I don't think I am in a position to make comments. You are obviously a high quality writer with a grasp of both the art and the craft of writing. This piece would seem to be publishable as is. Perhaps the olnly suggestion I could make would be that, if you do redraft, try to make me dislike Janice more. This would increase his motivation for what he did. I am still a little unsure whether he was psychotic before the party or whether killing Janice was the trigger for his psychosis.
A fantastic read Derek. I am very glad I spent the time.
Best of luck with it.
Joe
dear Lord. I will never again pass a homeless person with ease. I thank you. The homeless thanks you. Seriously. This was good. Very very good. It kept me rooted to me seat. I don't know if you know this or not, but the majority of homeless suffer from some sort of mental disorder, so you have selected a great group to frighten us with. This was very believable and Very very well done. Pamela
Derek. Oh wow! What a terrifying and amazing story. Very well written. I'm a big fan of first person, and I think this story could only be told in that POV. That's truly what makes it even more frightening; the narrator is addressing us. I can honestly say that I'll never look at a person with a cardboard sign looking for a ride or money the same way again. Very nice work!
Maggie
This was just freaky. It almost makes one want to look over their shoulder every couple of minutes. I know I'll definately drive faster by those underpasses now. Have you thought about adding more details to the party? It's very chilling as is, but you could probably pull off full blown terror without even trying very hard. This was a great read.
this was a very chilling story. it reminds me of some of my relatives, no I'm not kidding. the ending makes me not want to ever drive in a big city again. I almost believe this story. kind of like you actually knew this person. I certainly hope not, as that would be even more frightening. sanbar
Derek ~ I won't review for the nits and punctuation type things because I'm sure other reviewers already have that covered. My reaction to this: brilliantly written. You nabbed the reader in this first person, haunting, seductive voice that was used by many of the masters in the nineteenth century. Normally I would suggest some dialogue, but you take us so far into this story through the voice of the narrator that it is fine as it is. I like how you break up the text with short paragraphs of a line or two. The ending had me floored. This story gets the P word - PUBLISH. I loved it. Brilliant. Cheers! Katy J.
Derek,
This is some scary shit!
Your voice is so strong and confident it is terrifing. I have a hard time beliveing it's fiction, it is fiction, isn't it?? Please say yes. The voices in MY head are happy ones, thank heavens.
I really don't know what else to say except, excellent job!
Sweet~
Whoa,
I almost couldn't read that. I just recently finished NANCY BOY and this was way too close to that darkness, but a hundred times darker coming from inside the mind. That was chilling. We see or hear about people that have schizophrinia (sp?) but you put it on paper and I sincerely hope you are not writing from experience. God, I can't get it out of my mind even now. Excellent prose. I will be looking for more of your work.
Jerrie
Is this the funny,gentle dog-lover, father I've read before? Marvellous piece, shivers -down -the- spine stuff. Seems you have the same mental health care issues we have here in Australia, put 'em back into the community even when they can't cope. Mind you let's hope they are not as far gone as this!Have you seen the French Cannes Festival winner, "Hidden", you would really get it, relate it to your work. Art house, French language film just recently released in Sydney. Is it about?I think all writers should go see it. Love this work Dancer1
Derek this is the scariest thing I have ever read on the site. It is SO scary because you employed the unreliable narrator and reveal as slowly as possible just exactly why we cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I can't wait to see this story in print. I cannot conceive of any way to improve upon it. It is master storytelling in its finest hour. Great job.
Derek - an exceptional step into madness. At first I was a bit troubled by the tone of voice that switched from a highly intelligent narrative to one of a boy - but after reading it makes alot of sense how schizophrenia seems to manifest in a brilliant mind. I thought you showed paranoia extremely well. I didn't think it was a stretch to understand the motivation behind Janice. Fear/mistrust especially of being laughed at - implying suspicion...paranoia again. Interesting how you have shown the separation of the mind from the events. Very nicely done with how the narrator must tell himself that his brain lies to him. I think your ending statement is very powerful - not that we should be necessarily terrified of the homeless and mentally ill - but that as a society - we have abandoned them. For truly, they cannot help what they are and with medication, they could be functioning members of society. Nicely done.
I am sorry it took me so long to read this, but then again, I'm not sure I'm glad I read this - it is very haunting and will probably keep haunting me for a while. I will definitely be reading more of your work. This piece doesn't need any improving, it's great just the way it is.
I'm certain that I musty have read an earlier version of this, as I remember being somewhat impressed = but if I';m crazy forgive me.
Having just read it, It is freaking fantastic. YOu handle the man's insanity with fantastic voice and brilliant details. the pace is flawless, and the odd cordiality is the most chilling thing about it. The need to get it all just right, that marks the mose insane among us.
I bow to a superior piece of work.
The story held my interest right from the start, and through. Well done. I enjoy the manner you had the story teller speak directly to the reader, in a spookey manner at that.
I'm not sure how much older Janice is and how long has the main charactor been 'out' Although neither of these are critical to the story, they are tid bits as a reader I am curious about.
Have you attempted to publish this? Perhaps you should. It is a very disturbing piece, it would fit well as a chapter in a longer story of the main charactors life.
Derek,
No matter how many times I read this, I always want to read it again. It's freaky. That thick, red, shiny icing just makes ya never want cake again....lol... Still, I can see the humor is people believing this was autobiographical. I'd get a good laugh out of it anyway........
Barry
still very wierd and it still reminds me of people in my family you should try to get this published it would be at home in any horror magazine i've read over the years i still don't want to drive into any city at least not unless im driving very fast
Hi DA, .. Is Good. Although the site's formatting does it no favour. The pars have all sizes of gaps between them. I'm not sure about the opening. Dear reader, hapless friend, my friend - this is a very formal device which gives the story a somewhat contrived structure and perhaps sets up the characterisation too early. Perhaps the creepiness ought to creep up on the reader a little more. Admittedly, the opening par is extremely nicely written. It'd be hard to redraft, so it coaxes you to keep with what you start with. But why repeat it with the par beginning "I promise you, my friend, ..."? I'd be inclined to cut that and have paragraph 2 begin with "I do remember the party, ..." In short, the opening is just a tad affected because of yr framing device. I'm not sure that the journal structure really allows the opening to match with the ending. It probably would if this was the beginning of a novel, because then it could be used as a device on which to hang a larger narrative. The other thing I'm not entirely sure about is the repeated phrase "Did I tell you that?" - it may be too often repeated. Its use as a closer is excellent, but probably only needs to be seeded in the reader's mind once before. The repetition may be effective in an obvious sort of way, but its also one of the few things in the story that aren't really subtle. Every single reader will get it - you've made sure of that - but is that a good or bad thing? Well, it might be and you have every right to make that call. In general, you get the tone spot on and keep to it. It's not hard to figure out what's going on. Clarity. Nothing really to puzzle over. That's a strength in a short story, but might be a weakness if this was part of a larger work - for then you'd have less of delayed revelation. The second last line is brilliant. There are some nice touches throughout. I like yr use of exclamation marks. Technically assured and confident in yr structure etc. -d
Hello Derek, it takes a lot to write about one's life. It took me a great deal to do it in "My Testimony Part 1", you explain it quite well; not leaving out too much. The gracious details of your life sparks a fire in the readers eyes. No suggestions here, just write more stories. Moses
It’s ten PM , and the dark of night has settled over my small apartment. My writing is slow, interrupted by an unnatural need to glance over my shoulder, checking for the glint of a blade. My fingers jittery over the keyboard, as waves of goose bumps travel up my spine. I have, just managed, to crawl back from a frightening insight into the mind of a very, very disturbed young man. I have waded through a river of blood red icing to escape from a twisted world of crippling childhood dementia. Paragraphs of pure insanity so well written that that the words tickled the depths of my own hidden irrationalities. My shaky voice croaks BRAVO, this is an excellent tale. I know for my mind has told me so……
Good night.
Michael Kent
Hey Derek, someone told me to get my butt over here and read this, and I'm so glad they did. I think. It's late and my daughter left an ugly clown doll out here. I swear after reading this, I just moved it under the washing basket. I'm pretty sure it was looking at me funny, and not funny haha. I'm not reading it again while that clown is still in the room, but it was Janice's party wasn't it? Freaky story. Excellent job. Thanks for the great read.
Kate.
A friend of mine reccomended your story to me a while back, so I keep checking in to see how it's progressing. I do wonder something though. Have you considered adding more to the descriptions at the end? I think that would really scare your audience, and make them drive very fast past underpasses for quite some time.
There are two ‘journals’ here: ‘The Journal’, the beginning one, is the ‘reality journal’, the narrator’s all-knowing but conniving mind. ‘My Journal’ is the narrator constantly fighting that reality; the mind game of hide and seek, denying what he knows as truth, and refusing blame. I’ve kept that in mind for some of the suggestions below.
“The Journal??? – remove some of the blank lines, leave only 2 or 3
“Dear Reader(:)???
“I say bound with full understanding of the (word’s) meaning.??? – or, (my preference) “…understanding of it’s meaning.???
“I promise you, my friend, to be honest and truthful in (my) tale of woe.???
“There are many that have turned aside from the sorrow (they think) I’ve brought them…???
“(My) tale begins in 1968…???
“I told you (that) you could believe me, didn’t I? Haven’t I been honest with you (so far)???? – also, you might want to put these two sentences into a new paragraph.
“I’ll try to tell you everything about the accident, the first one, on the day my life changed forever(, but sometimes) I cannot remember all things that happened(. Did I tell you that?) The doctors told me my mind did those kinds of things on (it’s) own, play(ed) hide and seek. The rules of (this) game are hazy to me.??? –- because you began “I’ll tell you about accident???, the game was a bit confusing: game that was being played when the accident happened, or game being played in the mind? Changing the first sentence will help flip the thought from ‘the accident’ to the game of ‘cannot/do not want to remember’.
“But I (didn’t believe that I) hurt her (delete ‘on purpose’), no matter what anyone says.??? – as is, he is stating that he ‘knows’ he did, but in this journal, he’s fighting not to believe.
“Janice had to be (delete extra space) at the party.???
“I’m not sure (delete extra space) Cole was…???
“It was while I was with the doctors (when) Janice snuck into the hospital.???
“I (struggled and) begged them to let me go, to undo the straps and hold me tight.??? – just gives it more description of what the parents would see; as is, I didn’t think they’d give pause to hugging him if he was docile.
The same with: “As I (struggled to sit up), crying, looking up into my parents’ faces,…???
“…to keep track of the beast child. I couldn’t see her, but (delete extra space) knew she was there.???
“They asked me where Janice was. They wanted me to point out where (delete – ‘I thought’) she might be.??? – though the meaning is understood, he doesn’t ‘think’ but ‘knows where she is’ (at least, in his mind).
“(And, when) I stopped yelling and screaming at Janice…???
“It took a long time, but now Janice only circles me(…) and sulks most days.??? – just for thought to stress ‘her sulking’. The reader is still questioning if he did it at this point, so her sulking will, in the sense, heighten our compassion towards the narrator.
“I do have to be careful, oh yes I do. My mind (still) likes to hurt me sometimes. It (still) hides things from me, and tricks me, but I told you that already. (But now it) wants me to do things (that) I won’t tell you about (add a dot to …) not today.
“(When I turned 18, (there was no birthday party, or cake). (But the) hospital turned me out, just like that.??? - just for an amusing suggestion for you.
“I smiled, shook their hands, and never looked back.??? – try that in a new paragraph, to stand on it’s own, for effect.
Going back to the purpose of the two journals, I think your ending should flip back to ‘The Journal’, to give the reader a jolt back to the ‘all-knowing mind’ of the narrator, and the following suggestions should help the ending coincide/wrap around back to the beginning, and give it that ‘deeper’ implication of who really needs to be rescued. To compare the result, first re-read your beginning journal, then go into this ending:
(“They are all girls. Did I tell you that???? – after this, add the title, centered.)
The Journal
So now, dear reader, it’s up to you. I believe you can help (rescue) me after all. We haven’t exactly met, though I have seen you many times before. You’ve looked into my eyes once or twice. Most times you turn your head away(… and try to) ignore me and my cardboard sign. You’ve never given me any money, but that’s okay. (note: the words ‘try to’ just adds a sarcastic touch)
I don’t want money from you.
Not you.
I have a plan, a plan to free myself from (the bind of) all these wicked girls. And (‘)you(‘) don’t have to do anything, anything at all. I know exactly what (‘)I(‘) need to do. Next time you see me standing with my sign at the corner… the one near the freeway; don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid when I jump into your car and slam the door shut; just drive away fast, as fast as you can. (I know for sure that the) girls won’t be able to follow us. (My) mind has told me so(; ‘drive fast’ are my new hide and seek calling words.) And even if they try (to follow), I’ll (rescue) ‘you’.
I have a knife, a grand knife, shiny as a mirror.
Did I tell you that?
I had to delete all the good stuff (went over 1000 words) but…Your story put me to mind of C.S. Lewis, “The Screwtape Letters??? this being “The Screwtape Journals???. I am now regretful it took me so long to review this twisted writing. A brilliant actor can play various roles. You are a brilliant writer, especially when one compares this to your beautiful poetry.
Like everone else, I regret that I can only give you 5 stars! This was a fantastic read, perfectly crafted (even with all the nits theat some reviewers seemed to have), and quite chilling! I know people like Janice, and they are a tough lot to co-exist with. No one knows what will make another person snap, and the fact that Janice dodn't get in trouble for running her finger through the frosting (or was that imagined as well?) or the fact that her and her friends kept taunting the narrator, says a lot about her mother. I know too well, that parents can "over look" and "not see" what their "perfectly sweet, wonderful, adorable" child is doing that makes others want to scold them. Most of the time, the parent needs to be scolded just as much, if not more so than the child, because it is the parent's fault their child is the way he/she is. That the way I see it, anyway.
Again, awesome, fantastic read!
Bo
Man o man that's one hell of a story. This needs, near demands, to be published. I worried at first that it was rambling, skittering nonesense from the author, but as the speakers voice developed it really took on a life of it's own.
I know it doesnt mean much, but this is the only 5 I've given to a short story.
Really excellent work, something i can find no fault with and cant really give you anything powerful to work on or correct.
Heh, man that was good.
Hi Derek,
I can not read this piece without getting cold chills up and down my spine. You write of madness with such clarity and insight, as to be frightening. Fortuantely, I know from interacting with you that you are quite sane and very helpful and caring. You story deserves a wideaudience, well beyond the realm here. I do hope you will start submitting it soon, in as many markets as possible. I can find no fault with this, and can easily say it is one of the best stories I have readin a long time.
Linda
Derek,
This story is as powerful and chilling as it was the first time I read it in January. I remember reading it then and turning to Barry and saying 'You have *got* to read this story!'
The story itself is, of course, a very strong one. But it's the way you tell it that makes it one of the most unsettling things I have ever read. This man is so... friendly... so innocent, in a way, that the reader is drawn to him -- even after knowing of the atrocities he's committed.
This story richly deserves every 5 rating it's garnered. If I could I would give it a 10.
Derek what impresses me the most about you and this story is that even though you are in the number one slot, you are still seeking to improve this. That makes you a true writer. Compusive, hard as H*** on yourself, and never satisfied. Congrats. I have only two tiny suggestions to make towards improvment. Take them for what they are worth.---- And on the top she wrote my name in the most brilliant of blue icing I have ever seen._____ of isn't needed here. In the most brilliant blue icing. If you were talking to a friend, you would not say of blue icing, you would say blue icing._____Janice had to be at the party_____ I don't know why but each time I read this line my mind said Janice just had to be at the party. It adds sarcasium. She just had to be there. That is all I can offer you. This impressed me the first read through and it still does. Excellent story, Excellent job. Pamela
very well done, derek. the journey through the mad homeless serial killer's mind and history is seemless, at least for me, i didn't stumble once during the read.
an entirely believable scenario, i can image at least one story exactly like this on the streets of any city just about anywhere. and you stay true to the tortured/twisted POV of 'one of the multiple personalities' buried in the depths of that ailing mind.
clean writing - no nits!
Hi Derek.
I know you've pulled this story from the site, but I've been asked to be a writer on the series Treehouse is developing based on it, and I figured I should read it. The link from the forum thread was still hot, so here I am.
Good grief, man! This is one of the most chilling examinations of psychosis I've ever read! I am actually able to sympathize with your character. I'm trying not to think about what that implies for me, and instead am going to credit it to you as an extraordinary writer. I found one error, and did not read the other 64 (!) reviews, so maybe someone else caught it:
*****
I say bound with full understanding of it[']s meaning;
[The possessive of "it" is "its" with no apostrophe.]
*****
I am in awe. I hope I can begin to do justice to this character in my own writing. I may be contacting you with questions as I start working on it. I hope you don't mind.
Amazing, amazing story!
-SB
WOW! Once I started reading this, I could not stop. Not only is this beautifully written as a riveting voyage through the mind of a madman, it is also a cogent commentary on the mental health care system. And all too real. Reading this, I can’t help but think of the recent events at Virginia Tech and shiver.
Dana Foreman
The narrator may be a psychotic teenager but he's a talented one. His descriptions of his experiences are absolutely convincing and fresh as new mown hay. In the first place he warns the reader the story is a pathetic collection of words. Maybe he's right but it's still a compelling story. His constant questioning of reality puts a bit of shake into the underpinnings. Can I tell you ....?Did I tell you that? The wheels of the ocd character are turning in this journal. His view of experience is warped and we are allowed inside to have a good look at it. It's scary. I know a few people like this.
i loved this th first time I reviewed it and I love it now- did I tell you that?
Wonderful complex character you have created here Derek, makes you wonder about all those souless eyes you meet out there in the world- this is as heart wrenching as it is terrifying- I can't remenber if the brief prologue was in your original posting- I dn't think it was, but then I am old and my memory faulty-
This chilled down to my marrow and no I won't soon forget it- excellent- Annie
Hi Derek, You must have set a record for number of reviews and there is not anything I can add to make the story any better. The truth is I believed the guy well in to the story. It was a stream of consciousness that was riviting and distressing. (For some reason, I thought the narrator was female until told otherwise.) Good job!!! Rphil205
Hi Derek,
All I can say is WOW! This really got my attention and so true on how the mind works. Very excellent work and no errors. Your story held my attention from beginning till the end. I hope you will add more to this cause this is very good. And look forward to reading more:)
Blessings,
Josi Santos
Hey, Derek. The entire time I was reading this, it reminded me of Poe. What a brilliant piece of writing, my friend. If this doesn't get published, nothing deserves to get published. I'm a huge horror fan and this seriously creeped me out. Uh, do you have any friends after you let them read your work? I enjoyed it but have a feeling I'll be having nightmares tonight. Kat
Good afternoon, Derek Atkins! As good reading this the second time as it was the first, maybe even better. Without the original version for comparison it's difficult to say. At any rate, last year's reviewers felt it was ready for publication then. Any progress on publication? On second reading of this excusion into the mind of a madman, I find the repetition of the thematic "Did I already tell you that?" very effective, a chilling, constant reminder of a jumbled mind. Good work, Derek Atkins. Cheers, Sonny
So many reviewers, I feel like I'm standing in line at the opening of the "seven year itch" starring MM.The errie thing is, the style of writing has a very Poe-esk, 19th century quality about it. I keep feeling it should be taking place a hundred years ago in a castle above rocks and an angry sea below.Yet it still works in a modern setting, a little house with a white picket fence. WOW Frankenstein's monster should have such a pad. good trip. rlvs
The living can choose to believe… or not, but it isn’t so with the dead. The dead have no need to believe… for they know.
*** I'm a nit-picker. You're using those ellipses wrong, showing up on my spell-chcker. It should be, "xxx ... xxx" or, if end of a sentence, "xxxx.... Xxx" with the last being a period in this case -- or other end of sentence symbol.
I call out words like 'Safety' and 'Olli- Olli-Oxen-Free' and other silly things,
*** Should be double-quotes. Single quotes are only used inside double quotes.
A very good character study of a nut. However, I had no feel for the character. No emotion came through.
Charlie
An excellent story; as other reviewers have pointed out, very Poe-ish. One thing I felt was missing from the end was Dora. At the beginning, she seemed quite important to the story -- not necessarily that she'd play a direct part in the plot, but would at least have more emotional impact. After she shut the door, the narrator seemed to forget all about her, even though she was his 'soul mate.' I wouldn't expect her to have taken over the story or anything, but not to have completely dropped off the face of the earth.
Also, who were Pixy and Princess? I'm assuming dead pets of the narrators, but I can't tell for sure. Having them better defined somehow -- even just an extra sentence -- could really lend a sharper edge to Janice's antagonism.
I'm mainly just nit picking -- truly a great read.
Greetings Derek Atkins
First, I must profusely apologize for anything I write here.
Before I scanned all your reviewers, I immediately believed that I made a bad mistake by choosing to read The Journal.
To say the least, it's not my 'cup of tea' to delve into the mind of a twelve year old boy and read his life's progression until he is released. I know what results can occur after. Every week stories appear in the newspapers about the twisted minds of many that are let loose on society.
I rarely go to the movies anymore since most of them concentrate on killing, car crashes, explosions etc. We have enough of that in real life.
I did find a few 'nits', but I discarded my notes since they would be meaningless to this well written piece.
Best regards with your future postings - storyteller
Hello, there. I decided that I had to read the #1 story and I'm glad that I did. Except for agreeing with the one reviewer, I think Sonny, who pointed out that it starts as a discovered old journal and goes to dialogue, I think it's perfect. The internal dialogue is awesome and I sincerely hope that this man never jumps in my car.
I really wanted to read this when you first published it, but never got around to it until now. Let me just add a few of my own thoughts to the array of ones already listed.
The strongest part of this story, by far, is the voice that the narrator uses. It reminds me a lot of an Edgar Allan Poe "Telltale Heart" kind of voice, not AS crazy but still enough that we both believe him and understand him...but just before we fall into the trap we remember who he is. This boy, this man is a murderor, both of dogs (I'm guessing he did kill those two dogs, and that they belonged to Janice?) and then of the girl...maybe of others too. Many others, the ones who join Janice to torment him. To make the pain go away he kills again and again...but they only return to haunt him still.
Yet, throughout the story you present him (in his incredibly unreliable narratory voice) as an almost sympathetic character. You want to believe him, but the proof is out there and it's too much. You want to believe that it's not his fault that he killed her, and whoever else, but you know he did. And he may keep doing it...absolutely fantastic job here.
I read this on advice from a friend and I can only repeat what others have said. "WOW" it is so well written and it is a riverting story. To see the way you told the tale from a innocent mind viewpoint from a most guilty person. It was scary and intriguing.
Hi Derek,
You have a great writing style. You set mood and tone in your short prologue and make me want to keep reading.
I say bound with full understanding of it's meaning (just its - when you have the apostrophe, it says 'it is.')
I'm so intrigued by where you're going here and how you're saying it. This reminds me of something I once read, but I can't put my finger on it.
My true love was at the party, my soul mate, Dora. (Now I really love this story. No one ever uses the name 'Dora!' My maternal grandmother's name was Dora, and I'm named after her, with lynn added to the end of it.)
those kinds of things on it's own (should just be 'its'.)
It's amazing how you led me into the mind of the narrator. At first I was believing everything he said. Thought he could be trusted, then gradually the doubts began to form until...bam... it became obvious that he is completely gone in the head and everything we really know about him is only seen in the 'lies' everyone else tells about him. His strange perceptions - his reality - are well drawn and described.
Are Pixey and Princess animals he killed?
This is a scary story, letting him out - very frightening.
Janice has friends...you show us he has killed several times with just those three words. Well done.
That's a great story with a terrific ending.
If there were any nits, I missed them. The only thing that really stuck out was the misue of 'it's.') I was completely captivated with your lunatic narrator.
Doralynn
The first time I read this (months ago) I knew it was brilliant as a look into the mind of a young psychotic. Paranoia is evident, although I'm no analyst (did I tell you that?) The medical community has failed this fellow totally, as can be seen from his present condition. He's out on his own without medicine (as if it could ameliorate his symptoms) and it seems all his real and imaginary friends have deserted him. His knife is his only friend. It's a sad commentary on our medical system, our psychiatric branch (nearly dead since Freud and Jung were disposed of) and the reliance on biochemistry which is all there is now. We get regular reports about patients looking for narcotics in the ER. This is the elephant in the living room that nobody wants to talk about. We're a culture of ignorance and we choose to ignore things that won't go away. Nadine
Hi Derek - You've got so many reviews here that I feel like just a peeping thing in a corner, but I wanted to tell you anyway how wild and dark and moving this piece is - really frightening, like a drum beat echoing in my head or a sense of a horrible dream I can't quite remember.
I've got nothing to point out as a fix of course except that you ought to write more stories - how about a novel?!!! I'll explore your other works for sure.
I see you write mostly poetry, and I like poetry and wrote some myself, but I am as yet too totally immature to even think about critiquing. But I'm trying lately. Maybe I'll have something to contribute some day but for now I'll just read and think and admire your work.
Thank you
Zoe
That is blood-chillingly awesome psychological horror! I loved it!
Great hook at the beginning. The suspense as to what the twelve year old boy had done kept me interested, then as the story unfolded, I wouldn't have been able to stop reading this story even if my chair had caught on fire. I don't think you used the word 'blood' at all, but the red icing said it all! The momentum steadily built up to that perfect, horrifying ending. Great job on this!
I know it's been a while since this was posted. I was fascinated to see this story rated #2 of all time and highly recommended. I read it, and loved it! Great job with this psychological thriller. I will never look the same at those guys with signs on the streets! Thanks for posting this and keeping it up for all of us to continue enjoying.
Caroline
Hello, Derek,
I have been a member of the NBW for five months. I have posted a memoir and a few short stories and one poem. I have read seven hundred postings, mostly from newbies like me. I thought it was high time to check out the archives. First, I found Nora's Farewell, and read it start to finish. And for some reason, I clicked on the nondescript title, The Journal. It sounded like a Grisham story, but far be it from mainstream mystery. It thrilled me and chilled me to the bone. My favorite line was: The living can choose to believe...or not, but it isn't so with the dead. The dead have no need to believe...for they know. Excellent, riveting writing. thanks, nathan
Derek, This is the greatest thing Ive ever read on this site. I am speechless. Its ingenious, impecably written, uniquely crafted, and about a thousand other adjectives that exemplify excellence. I am really blown away by this. Cant offer a single thing to make this better. I will surely check out your novel when I get a spare moment. Im sure I wont be disappointed. This really kicks ass!
Derek... first I feel after reading this I should address you as Mr. Atkins out of respect.
Did you the writer go into your mind to write this or did your mind control you the writer and pour the words down through the body into the fingers to come out on the page?
The mind is a powerful machine. The brain is a tape recorder that never shuts off but tapes one layer at a time and then they bleed and fuse a little. Each memory adds bits and pieces of other events. Perhaps a tiny bit but never the less the first instant recorded has been altered,
This is so expertly written the reader is lost within the lines and they too perhaps bleed and grasp the reader and drag them in. Make any sense?
It reads like two stories blended. One of a mentally ill child who perhaps had even killed his own pets.. the other a tormented child who could have hurt the girl on purpose or perhaps was an accident but his mind with all the shock starts its own journey into hell.
When we pass up the man on the corner... which I don't, except am very intuitive enough to know a con when I see it. When one looks into the eyes of the mentally ill like you so wonderfully describe, one must be open to seeing a bit of him or herself. At any time that could be them.
I see me when I look into the eyes of the abused child, when I look into the eyes of the men or women on a corner I see the neglect of man.
Wow.. I have to start from scratch with my writing after reading this. Thanks a lot! No really thanks a lot... You and Odin ...
Flo
Hi Derek,
I almost feel guilty about getting points for this because I certainly cant offer anything by way of improvement. This is just too good! You established the 'scare' factor from the beginning with the eerie tone well before any blood was shed. The anticipation factor is what good horror is all about, right. Excellent piece of work.
Catherine
Hello, Derek - yes, let's step into a little madness here. Absolute madness in fact. Isn't is amazing that so long after you posted this you continue to get reviews? I like it when that happens.
Gotta admit you hooked me from the very beginning on this one, and I couldn't stop reading. Jaw-dropping suspenseful and interesting - great stuff.
I'm glad I read it, and I can't find anything to offer along the line of improvement. Superb!
Marilyn
I don't think I've read a more interesting, or better written piece than this, period. It was etrancing. I could see him speaking to me, see every flicker of emotion in his face as I read the words, all without you spending a single syllable describing him as a character. Your writing is simply brilliant. Out of this world!
An amazing piece, that is thoroughly entertaining. It can't be easy writing about any form of mental health issue, such as schzophrenia, but it's so true in the way you have described it, and once again, strikes those bright people. My mother is a brainy wonderwoman, speaks German, Ukranian and can do shorthand, and she has been struck down with it. At an early age, I really used to believe the stuff she said, and it's so difficult to understand at a young age. As one reviewer said, your work would and should be published. Hundreds of agents in The Writers and Artists Yearbook, which you can easily get from Amazon. Good Luck!!
bravo!
I enjoyed reading this. From one to another I say bravo! It was so real that i feel like i have lost my mind now. Keep it up I look foward to reading more of your work. Your work has inspired me to countine some of my journal work. Hope you can get a chance to check it out when i post it. Once again i must say Bravo!
I'm at a loss for words...I am seriously crushin' on you now. Forget JAKD...
I wish this thing would let me hit submit without getting points because I came simply to return the favor, but OMG I am floored.
Fantastic read from start to finish. Not a nit, a stumble or a spot where I wished it would end. Breathtaking dear man, simply breathtaking.
Thanks for sharing.
Derek~
What can I say??? This story is super-terrific! I couldn't stop reading. The narrator's voice is so real. The description of the blood, the knife, the other story characters made me see, smell, feel everything.
I can't help wondering where/how you got the idea for this story. If you would be willing to share, I would love to know!
All the best,
Chloe
It was wonderfully written. i think that you have taken a lot of time and thought the story out well. It also seems to be a versatile piece. The characters seem well conceived and believable and the dialogue works nicely. I would love to see more of your work. Thanks for sharing.
Unbelievable! This was fantastic and I hope you've already contacted an
agent because you should have a promising future at writing. I loved he way it read. This was chilling and disturbing and I loved it. You definitely have a gift for the craft because you can paint a scene by using words.
Good job.
Oh wow! I wasn't expecting this kind of story... and I absolutely loved it!!! Your style and flow are perfect, bringing us right into your narrative. I got swept away by the character's voice. It's neurotic, logical and illogical at the same time, and very convincing. This is a fantastic piece that's ready to be published. I truly couldn't find anything to critique. Your language and tone are perfect!!! Congratulations on this wonderful piece.
Good afternoon, Derek.
Hey, I remember reading this a year or so ago (I occasionally sign up and then off.) It's so streamlined now, any additional tinkering will fuck it up. If you'd like my opinion, here's what you do: Submit, submit, submit. Where? Here: http://www.cemeterydance.com and here http://withersin.com/withersin.htm. Both popular print mags pay pro rates, treat writers very nicely, and the piece deserves a wide audience. Don't wait: do it today :o)
Let me know how it comes out.
Kindest regards,
Ben
Derek Atkins,
This is a cool story; it reminded me of Lee Martin's The Bright Forever with how you address the reader. It's also interesting how I can't be sure of the entire story, since it's being told by someone not quite right. The only nitpick I have is the heavy use of italics, which is really a personal preference. Very well done.
--steph F.
Hi Derek,
Thanks for pointing this story out to me. I really enjoyed it - great job of having the truth seep through despite the unreliable narrator. I admit I kind of knew where this was going, but it didn't in any way detract from the story or the very convincing voice of your protag. Great job. No tweaks. Have you tried to publish this yet?
Wow, Derek, I thought I would check out your writing and I'm sooo glad I did. That is a superb piece of writing and very compelling to read. I can see it on www.spinechillers.com - you definitely have a strong, authorial voice. I did notice just of couple of repetitions that could be removed. In the paragraph beginning, 'My tale begins in 1968...' you used, 'I turned twelve' twice. And in the paragraph beginning, 'The policeman's lies...' you could lose the line, 'I was only twelve.' This would stengthen that paragraph though your writing is near perfect so this is only my take. I love the way you start with a voice very redolent of the old horror classics and wonder whether you could set the whole story in 1868 rather than 1968. Then you could have even more fun with the asylum type scenes! Or were you trying to avoid too many Gothic style cliches. Certainly having it set in the 60s makes it more unique. All the best, Keen.
Derek Atkins,
Here >>> [[[I will guide my pen therefore, to (lie) before you nothing of my own imagining, but only those things in which others can bear testimony.]]], (lay).
By the time I finished this story, I was looking for ways to advise the narrator how to give Janice and friends the slip. I'm guessing his doctors also tried that?
One thing that didn't work for me was the "Did I tell you that?" refrain sprinkled throughout the piece. I felt more patronized than I felt chilled by this method of the narrator's madness of continual reminding me to pay attention. I'd thin them out some.
Memphis Trace
What a tremendous piece of writing. I couldn't read it fast enough. I really felt like I was watching everything unfold before my eyes. I hope you are trying to get this published, because I would buy it in a heartbeat. Your descriptions are flawless and you left me wanting more...more...more! I will be forwarding this to friends to read. Very well done!
//Sven
I must say, the hemming and hawing in the beginning to get to the point of the story, kept me from wanting to read beyond red crimson frosting. Try again, and clean up the beginning to invite a reader to care to read further.
...and by all means, keep writing.
Mr. Atkins! Where have you been? This site has been so blessed to have a writer such as yourself and since 2006!
One could read this over and over and never tire or grow numb from it's power.
I so disagree with ridding if of.. "Did I tell you this" etc.. Never!
No one knows this story better than its creator or perhaps lived it. Never quite sure it is fiction or not?
If I never wrote another word, had I a work like this I could lay my pen/pencil or laptop aside!
What are you doing with this piece of writing! Please don't just let it sit here on this site..
When I first read this and it has been years. I simply sat back and knew I had read something very powerful and if I could even write one line comparable to this .. I would be satisfied!
What more can I say.. Just seeing your name pop up! It is like a celebration for me!
I am blessed to have read your work.. you and others on this site have encouraged and pressed me to reach higher and learn more.
My heart is full, my soul is restful.
Patti
I think my only criticism for this is that that voice at the beginning of the story gets a little inconsistent towards the middle. It's very flowery as the journal begins and kind of gets more common in the main descriptions. It may be something to consider if you are reworking the story at any point.
Move over Alfred Hitchcock, Derek is here. The first thing I though of was that Hitchcock would be very proud of this and would ask you if he could make a story out of it. Well done, well written, and scary as all get out. You have a twisted mind (like me), and it's wonderfully refreshing.
Wow,believable captivating, Derek. You depict the spiralling downward into madness that the main character portrays very well. Do you know anything about mental illness? It sounds in your story as though you may, or may know someone. Your details are right on the mark, and it held my attention very well. I was almost disappointed that I had no more to read. I loo forward to reading so much more! THanks!
STILL one of the most brilliant writes I've had the honor of reading! One almost holds their breath while reading this. You capture the helplessness and inner turmoil with what appears to be great ease.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help "if" any errors etc. as was too engrossed in your words.
Again... I've simply amazed and honored to have the opportunity to read and enjoy this gem again.
Perfect timing also!
Patti
Good story. Perfect day to post it. I liked the core of the story about the killing and how you show her insanity and what she ultimately wants, plus how you gave us the details slowly and at times when they were effective... particularly liked the hospital scenes and the parts with mom and dad and I liked how you got across the parts about Prixy and Princess....
Maybe this is dumb idea, I don't know... but could you have her refer to her 'separate mind' with a name... she says her mind is 'it' sometimes and does see 'it' as separate from her own self at times... I thought of the name "Wig". ... "Wig said..."
Hapideo
Given this was first penned in 2006, I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering why another such story has not been offered since. Perhaps it has and I'm just the odd man out. On the obvious positive note, having spent 50 years in a career that was constantly bombarded by mediocrity mixed with a few pieces of deft and worthwhile genre reads, this was indeed a surprise and a delight to read. So many writers of this genre try so very hard to create fear in the reader, while you allowed the vulnerability of a teenager, the honesty of raw nerves to do the work, giving the impression that scaring the hell out of us is a walk in the park for you. Kudos. Were I still active in Hollyweird, I'd want to option it for a film. Take care.
-The living can choose to believe… or not, but it isn’t so with the dead. The dead have no need to believe… for they know. ***Extremely compelling statement. Well said.
-She hit me so hard my face went numb(,) and I fell to the floor beside them.
WOW! You've gotten into the mind of the serial killer. The deranged craziness with hallucinations and blocked memory of events that occur. This sounds so real, I truly hope its fictional.
PByrd
How to make this better?
It reads quickly. The MC is believable. His psychotic break is realistic despite the fact there is no prelude prior to the birthday party. (This is a big compliment. i work in medicine and you've done a great job of describing the hallucinations and self-hate that goes into having a mental illness.)
What I would change is the buildup. You have at least three foreshadowing moments where the MC states that everything changed during the birthday party. I would thin that down to one foreshadowing moment. I suggest that you eliminate the first paragraph since everything starts after 'My Journal'. Even then, I suggest you begin this work with, "You must believe." The elaborate prose of 'my tale of woe' isn't continued through this story and certainly isn't in the last few paragraphs. At the end, you reveal the other girls joining Janice (I assume because this character is a serial killer) and the shiny knife. The implied threat at the end jars with the concern for another's opinion that is written in the beginning of this story.
Consider this. If you want this story to be something more than a character sketch, have the MC have another breakdown triggered by the girls forcing him to listen. He is haunted by ghosts of his victims and a vague realization that he might be responsible (otherwise I don't think these girls would be so strong in his everyday life.) I think you could end this story with tragedy rather than a threat. If the victims gained enough strength, perhaps they could prevent the MC from adding to their ranks. That way, this becomes a ghost story rather than a character sketch of a serial murderer.
Hope this helped.
A
Author
Reply
Amy,
Thanks for taking a look at this story. You've given me much to consider. I agree with the intro voice not being consistent, I should have returned to that older voice at the end. I especially liked your final suggestion and will see what comes of it. Excellent review Amy!
I appreciate that you reviewed this, though it sounds like this kind of story isn't what you would prefer. Maybe Mosquito would be a better choice if you chose to read anything else of mine. I would prefer Macabre Obsession, but that is in the horror genre, and though part one is mild, part two and three will be anything but.
Derek,
Your story just blew my mind off! Hats off to the way you wrote about what actually goes in a mind of a disturbed person with a horrible past. Thumbs up... I just got lost in the words of the story - no other way to describe my situation here! I think I will go through more of your stories:)
Author
Reply
Hi Kats!
Thanks for your cool comments. I'm glad the story affected you that way. I see that you've posted another chapter of your book. I'll take a look.
Derek
Derek, I've read this before and thought I reviewed it but I see I haven't. I am hoping this is the first chapter because I would like to know what happens next and if the man is ever caught. While I was reading this I was reminded of Dean Koontz and how I liked it when he wrote from the killer's pov...I think you really have a great start here, I think you should work up two more chapters and enter it in strongest start. LOVED IT! dags:)
Author
Reply
Thanks Dags! I've had a lot of fun with this story. I've toyed with making this the begining of a novel, but haven't commited to it yet. Maybe in the style of Ratman's Notebook. No rats, but a lunatic keeping meticulous notes.
Well...maybe a few rats....
Thanks again
Derek
bargeafloat