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I have a new, small prologue up, and scene 3.1, the funeral of Romano's former lover. I've been looking forward to writing scene 3.2, where Campagna first meets De Rosa's godson. She's going to spiral as badly as Romano in 3.1. After that, Connor "observes" an exorcism. :-)

Kdot, I tried using international time as opposed to American in the story as you suggested, and it turns out, international time is mostly used for official purposes (e.g., airports, train stations, etc.). In Italy, spoken time is so complex it's not worth the effort to convert it to English. I had a mishmash of different ways of presenting it (one for narrative, another for spoken when am/pm is obvious, another when am/pm is not known, etc.). I finally settled on hours:minutes a.m. and hours:minutes p.m. I can die happily now.

Now that you've published a couple of chapters, post a note in Premium introducing yourself, describing your story, the problem you're trying to fix, and asking for reviewers. You should get a pretty good response. I'll review them as soon as the sun comes up.

Cool book cover, by the way.

I frequently submit inline reviews shy of five. They always save. This is the first time I can recall that I left no comments and submitted just the summary. It gave no error message but didn't save. That's the bug.

I definitely prefer shorter posts. It makes it much easier to review parts in one sitting, which is why my current WIP splits each scene out as a TNBW chapter, same as what you did for Maiden. Rather than split the short story Into multiple short stories, I suggest publishing it as a book on this site.

Rachel, as I mentioned in my review, I had a great deal of difficulty understanding your prologue. I may just be dense, but I couldn't figure out what was going on, who the players were, etc. It wasn't until I got to chapter one that things smoothed out nicely into a regular story.. If you're going to keep the prologue, it needs more detail about who's who, how they got there, why they're foes, etc.

Thanks, Will. You're right r.e. respect from Catholics is, for the most part, the same as from most people, although the hard-core Catholics in the forum I frequent would definitely steer clear of them.

I'm rereading Wuthering Heights. Lots of expressiveness to the eyes, including this latest: eyes full of black fire. As Temple once noted, it's not the eyes, but the muscles and folds around the eyes that give them expression.

Given how Romano's former lover dies (Romano's fault, the lover refuses last rights, he's going to hell) and the devastating impact it has on Romano, I'm debating whether Romano should start hearing the dead man's voice. I could do it as ghostly whispers that pass him quickly at every turn and send chills down his spine. Additionally, he could think he keeps seeing his lover in crowds. Basically he's haunted or suffering from mental illness. It would allow me to keep this particular subplot going throughout the book.

Thoughts?