I remember now why I moved from Vitale to the Church back to Vitale. I always get dinged by some of my reviewers for stopping the story for description, so I started tying it more closely to the character. Not sure if I'm doing it right. I'll go back to doing it as you suggest, njc, and see how many people pounce on me.
Thanks.
Dirk
Ok, thanks
You left out Christopher Pike. Boo.
Nice catch.
Who are you?
Mother Theresa.
I think that nails it.
The revised version is up. I didn't bother republishing as it's not that different, except for the ending. I can die in peace now. Bury me next to the cardinal.
This one is growing on me. I like the sarcasm coming from a supervillain.
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
The being looked around as a tourist might, then faced Vitale. “Luke Skywalker.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward.
I looked up top 100 movie villains that I could use as the one-liner, but the only truly recognizable embodiments of evil are Darth Sidious and Darth Vader. I'll check out real-life killers tomorrow. And fictional/real-life heroes as a possible sarcastic response.
The interesting thing, though, about fighting with that one line gave me a very different approach to the ending. I'll work on it tomorrow. I still don't have what I would call a satisfying one liner. It's my battle for a good trilogy title all over again. I need to find something in contemporary films and shows to use. E.g. Who are you? Darth Sidious.
How about this?
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
“Here's a clue.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.
I now have two out of four reviewers telling me that "allow me to introduce myself", spoken by the dark being just before the shit hits the fan, is crap.
Kdot, what do you think? Is this enough of an intro to Vitale before I kill him?
Cardinal Aristotele Vitale shuffled down the center aisle of his titular church, Basilica Papale di San Lorenzo fuori le Mura, in Rome. If Vitale hadn’t known better, he’d have sworn the aisle grew longer with each passing year. At eighty-six, he wondered how many more years he would be able to walk to the high altar. Given what the Lord had endured on the cross, it would take more than a body riddled with arthritis to stop him from his frequent visits to pray here.
Vitale always admired the massive stone pillars that ran the length of the church on the far side of the pews to his left and right. Indeed, the entire church had a long and storied history. Saint Lawrence, for whom the church was named, was martyred by Roman Emperor Valerian in 258 AD and entombed under what was now the altar. Other saints and popes were buried there as well. The first church over the site was built in the 6th century, and a second built in front of it in the 13th century. The two were later combined. The church was bombed during World War II but subsequently restored.
Besides Vitale, the church was empty. Father Coppola, the parish pastor, had already left for the night, locking the doors. Vitale had used his own key to enter, then locked himself in. Except for the occasional tourist pulling on the door and the faint sound of traffic from the Via Tiburtina, all was quiet.
Vitale genuflected toward the cross atop the domed altar, then sat in the front pew. Sadly, gone were the days when he could kneel on the tiled floor. He straightened his scarlet robes. As always, they were freshly laundered. He owned several sets, allowing him to always wear clean clothes when entering his church. The laundering costs were a minor extravagance that Vitale thought the Lord would approve of. Besides, Vitale donated the unused portion of his yearly pay to the poor.
He began to pray. Soon, pounding footsteps approached him from behind. He sighed, thinking Coppola had returned. “Did you forget something, Father?”
A sonorous male voice said, “Good evening, Your Eminence.”
The cardinal turned.
A dark being stood a few feet away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he was shrouded in deep shadows where none existed.
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
“Allow me to introduce myself.” The ground shook, the cross atop the altar crashed to the floor, and the windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.
Vitale staggered back, realizing he was staring in the face of death.
Needs a better ending sentence.
Ray, you seem to be publishing one book for each chapter. There's no need for that. Each book can have as many chapters as you like. There's an Edit button (near the Inline button) when you look at your own posted chapters. From within the Edit wizard, you can add chapters to an existing work, make a chapter active or inactive (i.e., show or hide it), etc.
Be warned, there's also an edit LINK further down the page of each posted chapter that is used solely to edit chapters, not the book.
You won't care about Vitale at this point. It's his first appearance in the book. He featured well in the original (long) version of this scene, but that gave too much away. He features prominently as a dead man in scenes to come. I'd hate to have to write a whole filler chapter, though, just to introduce him properly. It would drag. Nevertheless, there's something to be said about caring for the character (even a little) before killing him. Whatever I do here I'll also do for the other three cardinals I plan to kill off.
Scene 0.0 is Connor saving the tour group in the Holy Land (the prologue)
Scene 1.1 is Connor curing the epileptic kid and the first appearance of the dark being
Scene 1.2 is this one.
Scene 1.3 is Connor and the epileptic kid becoming friends
Scene 1.4 is Campagna & De Rosa discovering Vitale's body in the nearby grave
How about "Tsk. Where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself."
In my most recent chapter (the half page scene), Bobbie suggested I try to find something more memorable for the dark being to say besides "Allow me to introduce myself." Below is the part in question.
A dark being stood a few feet away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he was shrouded in deep shadows where none existed.
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
“Allow me to introduce myself.” The ground shook, the crucifix behind the altar crashed to the floor, and the stained-glass windows exploded inward. The temperature plummeted and the lights dimmed. Fog swirled around the being and his eyes glowed fiery red.
I wanted something understated/polite compared with the destruction (and killing) that follows, but I'm open to other options. Anyone have any suggestions for something better?
Thanks
Dirk
You're right. Thanks.
Cool. Thank you. Now I just have to figure out how to bundle my chapters. :-)
So now that I've punted scene 1.2 (Cardinal Vitale killed by the Antichrist), I have three back-to-back scenes with Father Romano/Connor as follows:
- 0.0 Prologue - Connor saves the tour group in the Holy Land from the locusts
- 1.1 Connor cures Alessandro's epilepsy
- 1.2 Cardinal Vitale is killed by the Antichrist (deleted)
- 1.3 Connor and Alessandro share breakfast and become friends
I've been trying to alternate between Father Romano/Connor scenes and Inspectors Campagna/De Rosa scenes. I wrote Vitale from his own POV, but considered it part of the murder mystery.
Does it matter that I have three opening Romano/Connor scenes (spanning two chapters and 13 pages) in a row? Campagna and De Rosa don't appear until the last scene (1.4, 7 pages) of chapter one when Vitale's body is discovered.
I'm considering adding a one-page scene in place of 1.2 where the Antichrist enters the Church and confronts Vitale, but ending it before the killer reveals who he is. I could re-use that same approach for the other three killings.
Cardinal Aristotele Vitale sat alone, praying before the high altar of Basilica Papale di San Lorenzo fuori le Mura, his titular church in Rome. Father Coppola, the parish pastor, had already left for the night, locking the doors behind him.
Heavy footsteps approached Vitale from behind. He waited, thinking Coppola had returned. “Did you forget something, Father?”
A sonorous male voice said, “Good evening, Your Eminence.”
The cardinal turned.
A dark being stood a few feet away. Light barely penetrated to his face or clothes, as if he was shrouded in deep shadows where none existed. He was tall, with a large build.
Vitale frowned and struggled to stand. “Who are you?”
“Allow me to introduce myself.” The temperature dropped considerably, the lights dimmed, fog swirled around the being, and his eyes glowed red.
I could also end scene 1.2 right after he says "Good evening, Your Eminence."
Thoughts?
Snow? My X-Ice tires laugh at snow. Bring it on!
Depending upon the number of such events/attacks (TBD), I think I'll let his confidence evolve with each miracle. So, if the above scene takes place early on, I'll have him tremble because he doesn't know his own powers. Him struggling with his imperfect faith could be a good character arc for him. If the event takes place later, he'll no longer tremble. I've only begun to figure out how many ways he is attacked, especially in the Holy Land, where he's supposed to be safe from the Antichrist who is still killing cardinals in Rome. There's no way the Antichrist can be doing both, so some think Connor is being hunted by the False Prophet. I wish I could get rid of the latter character from Revelation since his potential presence is complicating the story/mystery.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you know Connor is the focus of my story. He displays an increasing number of supernatural powers as the story progresses (comforting the grieving, healing the sick, casting out demons, etc.). However, he has no knowledge that he may be Jesus returned to Earth as a boy, although Church elders increasingly think it's possible.
My latest prologue is a peek ahead to two weeks after the start of the story, when he is travelling in the Holy Land, retracing the footsteps of Jesus. The scene has him surrounded by frightened members of the Holy Land tour as a demonic swarm of locusts bears down on them. Each locust has a stinger like that of a scorpion, as described in the Book of Revelation (locusts don't naturally have stingers). Connor has yet to realize his full potential, so even he's not yet sure what he can and can't do.
When it comes to the locust attack, I mention that everyone is huddled around Connor, hoping he can save them. Everyone except Connor is trembling. It's the trembling I question. Although he's not yet reached his full potential, he has an unswerving faith in God, and prays for a miracle. Shouldn't he be trembling, too? After all, he's not Christ-like yet.
I'm inclined to have him tremble, in spite of his faith in God. This affects more than just this one event. His powers increase from event to event, increasing his confidence with each miracle.
Thoughts.
Dirk
A period works fine, but if you like a colon, then put a colon and move on or you’ll never get finished.
There's nothing wrong spending a few minutes learning new topics, especially when more experienced writers disagree on the topic.
Thanks!
I've received conflicting feedback about my use of colons for the following sentences and am wondering if the colon is correct for one, both, or neither.
Connor quietly quoted Scripture: “Then from the smoke came locusts on the earth, and they were given authority like the authority of scorpions of the earth.”
Connor called to the heavens in a loud fearless voice: “Father, our enemies are upon us! Protect us now from the powers of Satan, so we may give you glory all the days of our lives!”
These sentences seem similar to me. In the first one, Connor is quiet and quoting. In the second, he's loud and praying. The only real difference is that the Bible quote is a single sentence, while the prayer is two sentences.
I'm inclined to use the colon for both.
Thoughts?
Dirk
After thinking about it some more (and with encouragement from Seabrass), I decided to completely punt scene 1.2 from the book. The first appearance of Vitale will be as a corpse in scene 1.4. The reader will learn about the Antichrist during the course of the detectives' investigation. I wasted a lot of time writing and rewriting this chapter only to toss it. Poor Temple started her review before I could take the scene down from the Home page. At least she got points.
