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Nuts. I've been reviewing chapter five instead of chapter one. I'm almost done with it, so I'll keep going. There's some stuff I'm highlighting in chapter five that applies generally to all chapters (e.g., punctuation, dialogue tags, internal monologue, etc.). It's funny, I didn't even notice it wasn't your opening chapter. Duh.

I'll send a message to Sol, our administrator. Maybe you're not allowed access to Premium, although that wasn't my understanding.

Welcome to the site.

We tend to use the threads in this forum for brainstorming with other writers, getting help with story and writing issues, and sharing nonsense. Usually one thread per story, but there's no rule about that. FYI, not all of this group's members write fantasy. We needed a semi-quiet place to "meet" outside of Premium, so we ended up here. For example, Kdot writes steampunk, Seabrass writes sci-fi, njc writes fantasy, and I wrote a space opera but have moved on to a supernatural thriller. If you can't get your questions answered here, you can always ask all of the site's members by posting in the Premium forum. Plenty of helpful folks around. Also, feel free to subscribe to any threads that interest you, so you'll receive emails when someone posts to those threads.

When you're ready for your first batch of reviews, put a post in the Premium forum introducing yourself and your story, and asking for reviews. You'll generally get a whole bunch to begin with, but then it's up to you to decide whom you want to trade reviews with on a long-term basis. Don't forget to respond to reviews. People spend various amounts of time reviewing your work, and a response is an acknowledgement of their effort.

The revised chapter 2 (scene 1.2) of Cardinal Vitale's death by poisoning is up.

After researching poisons, I decided to settle on good old cyanide. It's relatively painless if you take a lethal dose, which doesn't take much. So, basically, the dark being is going to be handing out cyanide (and water bottles?) to his victims. A painless form of suicide, which minimizes the amount of suffering that the dark being, in turn, experiences for killing cardinals. The undigested capsules will be discovered in the stomachs during autopsy, so the big question for the detectives and the Church is why cardinals are taking cyanide. I originally thought to have them wear a 666 ring and position them like an upside-down cross, but part of me wants to keep knowledge of the Antichrist's involvement completely out of the early killings and have the clues be more subtle and slow in coming out. That probably requires more deaths, which I've been trying to avoid. However, now that the deaths are all painless suicides, I may have a little freedom to kill a few more cardinals, if necessary. It would also mean losing all of scene 1.2 (Cardinal Vitale's encounter with the dark being). Regardless, the reader is ahead of the detectives since the book summary already states that the Church concludes it and Connor are being stalked by the Antichrist, so what's the point of delaying when the detectives learn the truth?

I'm going to take a crack at rewriting scenes 1.2 and 1.4 using cyanide rather than burying Vitale alive to see if I like it. Once those are written, I'll decide if I want to keep the Antichrist out of the picture completely until later.

It occurs to me that I still have the attacks against Connor for thrill (e.g., my new prologue) and the cardinal deaths for murder/mystery. Only the manner of death will change. While I was relying on the different types of "forced" suicides to give the book some variety and avoid it becoming repetitive, I'll have to see if I can find other ways to maintain interest in the murder/mystery. Gives me something to think about this weekend.

The cardinal deaths came to mind again while reading a recent review by Clairedeplume. I've been trying to minimize the violence in this story to make it as palatable for my target audience (mainly Catholics & Christians) as possible. It was one of the reasons why I chose suicide over murder as the cause of death for all four cardinals that will die in the story. It's also the reason I limited the number of deaths to four (two before Connor goes to the Holy Land, and two after he's there, eliminating him as an obvious suspect given his supernatural powers). It's eventually revealed that, historically, over the decades (centuries?) there were many dead cardinals who appeared to die by suicide.

Buried alive is my favorite of the bunch, which normally would be considered quite gruesome (the detectives think so), but I show the burial as it's happening and the cardinal just lies there peacefully praying while being buried. He can't fight the satanic being who wants to kill him (the being is too powerful), so he decides to allow himself to be buried to avoid extreme torture, which is an acceptable excuse for suicide according to the Church. In other words, he'll still get to heaven. FYI, the reason the satanic being doesn't want to kill him outright is that killing a prince of the Church comes "at a cost" (suffering) for the being.

I've been debating since the beginning making the cause of death non-violent for all the cardinals. The first dead cardinal could still show up in the cemetery, so most of the story remains unchanged. Even scene 1.2 (Cardinal Vitale's death) may be partially reusable, up to but not including his actual death, which would have to occur before he's buried. All of the cardinals would be positioned in the form of an upside down cross and would wear a ring engraved with the numbers 666, the mark of the Antichrist.

What do you think? Can a thriller maintain tension if the cause of the four deaths isn't violent or gruesome? I was thinking if no one knows how they die, that would maintain the tension. In other words, someone is stalking cardinals and killing them, probably using some unknown poison. The trick becomes how the Antichrist gets the poison into them without it being obvious.

Thoughts?
Dirk

Thanks, njc. I need early evening to make it clear to the reader that there is still enough time left for the whole scene to play out (at least an hour before darkness). Needs tweaking. If the (whole) sky is already orange, there isn't enough time. And, yes, watching is better.

Thanks
Dirk

I came across this article a few years ago and tried taking it to heart. I switched comma-then to "before" which, technically, solves the problem, but didn't sound natural. As for his reference to the Bronte sisters, he obviously hasn't read Wuthering Heights in a while. The language of literature has changed substantially since then and continues to evolve. Multiple excellent writers on this site have since convinced me that comma-then is just fine.