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In my most recent chapter (the half page scene), Bobbie suggested I try to find something more memorable for the dark being to say besides "Allow me to introduce myself." Below is the part in question.

I wanted something understated/polite compared with the destruction (and killing) that follows, but I'm open to other options. Anyone have any suggestions for something better?

Thanks
Dirk

Cool. Thank you. Now I just have to figure out how to bundle my chapters. :-)

Snow? My X-Ice tires laugh at snow. Bring it on!

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know Connor is the focus of my story. He displays an increasing number of supernatural powers as the story progresses (comforting the grieving, healing the sick, casting out demons, etc.). However, he has no knowledge that he may be Jesus returned to Earth as a boy, although Church elders increasingly think it's possible.

My latest prologue is a peek ahead to two weeks after the start of the story, when he is travelling in the Holy Land, retracing the footsteps of Jesus. The scene has him surrounded by frightened members of the Holy Land tour as a demonic swarm of locusts bears down on them. Each locust has a stinger like that of a scorpion, as described in the Book of Revelation (locusts don't naturally have stingers). Connor has yet to realize his full potential, so even he's not yet sure what he can and can't do.

When it comes to the locust attack, I mention that everyone is huddled around Connor, hoping he can save them. Everyone except Connor is trembling. It's the trembling I question. Although he's not yet reached his full potential, he has an unswerving faith in God, and prays for a miracle. Shouldn't he be trembling, too? After all, he's not Christ-like yet.

I'm inclined to have him tremble, in spite of his faith in God. This affects more than just this one event. His powers increase from event to event, increasing his confidence with each miracle.

Thoughts.
Dirk

Thanks!

After thinking about it some more (and with encouragement from Seabrass), I decided to completely punt scene 1.2 from the book. The first appearance of Vitale will be as a corpse in scene 1.4. The reader will learn about the Antichrist during the course of the detectives' investigation. I wasted a lot of time writing and rewriting this chapter only to toss it. Poor Temple started her review before I could take the scene down from the Home page. At least she got points.

You have two books in your portfolio with the same title, one of which is only available to Basic members. I'm not a member of that group (I'm maxed out at ten), so I can't access it. I'm reviewing the other one. If you plan to keep both, you should probably rename at least one of them to avoid confusion.

I sent him the message. He'll be in touch, hopefully soon. FYI, since you're a trial member, once the seven days are up, you won't have access to inline reviews, only regular ones. If you plan to stay as a non-paying member for a while, be sure to inform people when your trial is up, otherwise they'll continue to leave inline reviews, and you won't be able to read them.

I'm working my way through your first chapter. Hopefully, I'll have it ready for you later today.

Dirk

I clicked on the link to your story on the Home page. I see you've posted without points. You'll still get some early reviews, but they drop off quickly if you don't post with points. Points are this site's currency and reviewers usually want to get paid for their effort. If you post with points, your reviewers earn points that they use for posting their own stories.

After a discussion on my Catholic forum, I decided to revert to the previously planned deaths (buried alive, hanging, ???, and ???). They don't like gruesome deaths, so I'll try to minimize that aspect, but one of the other members of the site reminded me that Revelation is a violent book. Which begs the question: how do I keep a Catholic audience if I do a relatively accurate portrayal of Revelation in my books two and three?

Chapter two now up on the site excludes the cyanide element but adds other changes, including the dark being identifying himself as the Antichrist and a cross-shaped grave. Not much else has changed.