1 Topic by Dirk B. (edited by Dirk B. 2019-07-07 22:27:13)

Topic: How to word this? - Writing Craft

The following relates to my Catholic End Times story.

Background: Connor and Alessandro are teenagers living in a Catholic orphanage in Rome. Alessandro is having an epileptic seizure, and the room is filled with other boys witnessing the events. Connor is kneeling and holding Alessandro's head so Father Romano can apply a manual resuscitator to help Alessandro breathe. Connor then says a prayer (see below).

I'm told by Catholics on a forum I'm on that many Catholics cross themselves, speak the Trinitarian formula (In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.), say their intended prayer, then cross themselves again and repeat the formula. In the following, Connor prefers to say the formula in Latin, although many do not. I truncated the actual prayer for brevity.

Current Version:

Connor crossed himself. “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.” He closed his eyes. “Father, just as you lifted your perfect Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, into heaven, I beseech you now in his name to lift this curse from Alessandro...” Connor crossed himself again.
Everyone echoed his final “Amen.”

In this version, the second formula is implied as indicated by the fact that everyone else in the room echoed his final amen. However, there are other instances in the book where characters pray as Connor/Catholics do, but if I were to write it as I did above, it would be too repetitive. Instead, I usually mention that someone crosses themselves, then prays. The rest I leave out. That annoys my pedantic side, because non-Catholics won't even know it's incomplete and Catholics might think it's done wrong.

Alternate Version:

Connor crossed himself. Like most Catholics, he always included the Trinitarian formula, albeit in Latin: “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.” He closed his eyes. “Father, just as you lifted your perfect Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, into heaven, I beseech you now in his name to lift this curse from Alessandro...” Connor crossed himself again.
Everyone echoed his final “Amen.”

The additional sentence essentially tells the reader that most characters in the book do it the way Connor does, although not always in Latin. Those reviewers who commented on the second version didn't like it. It's definitely clunky.

Thoughts?

Thanks
Dirk

Quote Post 1

Re: How to word this? - Writing Craft

Connor crossed himself and recited the Trinitarian formula. "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen." .......

Next chapter's version:   Connor crossed himself and recited the Trinitarian formula. "Insert in here whaterver he's praying for this time."
Next chapter's version:   Reciting the formula, Connor crossed himself. "Now he says whatever prayer is called for this time...."

As a non-Catholic, something along this line would let me know that he's saying all that Latin stuff before his prayer each time. After you've given it verbatum once, then referenced it by name the next time, and finally incorporating it into the action of crossing himself the third time, I've got the idea that this is his standard way of praying.
Everyone else saying "Amen" tells me they either parroted his words or agreed with them. Just a collective "Amen" echoing around the room tells me all I need to know.

That's my non-Catholic two cents.

Bobbie

Quote Post 2

Re: How to word this? - Writing Craft

It seems to me that whether you are Catholic, non, or atheist, etc., in reading the passages, you would understand that a prayer is being given and that certain rituals coinciding with such prayer are being practiced and there would be no need to explicitly explain every detail let alone repeat those details. You could simply start the prayer and end at some point … and go on to your next scene. All the minute detail is akin to describing someone about to drive off by saying, "they open the passenger door, get in, put the key in the ignition and start the engine, look both ways down the street, back up slightly to get around the  black Chevy with a busted tail light which is parked in front of them, then put the car in drive, and turn the steering wheel slightly to the left and after looking both ways again, slowly steer onto West 63rd St heading northeast, blah, blah, blah" Virtually no one is going to care about that minute detail imho. I expect even Catholics don't go through life reciting every detail or expecting to read every detail as though it were a religious service. But you are the author and can write it any way you wish. Take care. Vern

Quote Post 3

Re: How to word this? - Writing Craft

Definitely the current version.

Quote Post 4

Re: How to word this? - Writing Craft

I surrender. The short version it is. Vern, it's uncanny how you knew the way I drive.

Thanks to all for your feedback.

Quote Post 5