I've dumped a few thoughts on Mandates into reviews. The gist of it all is that this is Kha's story, and anyone else you introduce should be either part of the story or a means of telling the story. Or both.
2,826 2015-08-13 23:54:49
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
2,827 2015-08-13 22:50:01
Re: Site Bugs 2 (342 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
File this under connection problems. I'm connected for this communication via WiFi. My flaptop is attempting to use the same WiFi service, but whatever is happening has convinced IE that I'm not connected to a network -- but I can make an IE tab connect to FreeBSD.org without difficulty. (FreeBSD.org is one of the most reliable sites on the web. I use it as a touchstone for connection problems.) See my previous queries about jumbo frames and such.
2,828 2015-08-13 22:31:02
Re: Wishlist Cont. (212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Could we have the positive things (edit and quote) on one side and the negative things (delete and report) on the other?
2,829 2015-08-13 22:29:00
Re: emotional scenes (62 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Because it's a good scene or because it's not?
2,830 2015-08-13 16:44:00
Re: Wishlist Cont. (212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Is there a reason that word counts aren't shown for works? A word processor will give a word count on request. Why shouldn't the author see a word count on the edit page?
2,831 2015-08-13 04:29:30
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Instead of adding to Acts, why not put vignettes from Kha's arrival at the curses ward and his writing the letter to Anver in Mandatea, leaving the healing as a mystery for Acts?
2,832 2015-08-13 03:38:09
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
If I weren't laughing so hard, KH, I would curse you and recurse you!
2,833 2015-08-13 00:31:04
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Acts is already pretty long. Even 1200 words would stretch things.
2,834 2015-08-12 16:05:10
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Followup to the previous:
If you want a hook to the other books, this one should open in a way that lets you mention the mysterious way in which Kha was healed -- except that he wasn't.
I just realized the thematic links. If Kha was supposed to die in his dragon-killing, and if the agency is Behira, then Sil's acceptance mirrors Behira's acceptance. But id Kha was supposed to die, then he posed a grave threat to Behira, and that suggests that the Earthwound and the Black Staff are a part of that threat.
Was that blackness a fragment of the Defiler? What about Airen's magic ring? That's got to be there for aomething.
2,835 2015-08-12 12:53:48
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I probably won't be able to do serious reviews for 20+ hours.
In general, I still have all sorts of problems with the openings, less with the confontation. Once we get to Tell Me True you have a compelling story, even if there are parts to be tweaked.
A few questions: How much do you want to depend on the reader having read Acts? What do you want the reader to understand about Kha and the circumstances when he reaches Aerie? What do you want the reader to understand about Kha and the circumstances that cannot be expressed in 120 words of clean exposition and narrative summary?
So, what state of mind was Kha in when he took the Black Staff? Did he do it willingly? What do other characters (like, say, Anver, but excluding Lucas and Maalok) know about how Kha found and said about the Black Staff?
How important, truly important, to the characters and the plot, are Kha's distrust of herbals?
2,836 2015-08-12 07:06:41
Re: Hello, I'm C.T. Keyes, returning member (6 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Maybe that's why I like Kha so much ... or maybe I'm just jealous about Sil.
2,837 2015-08-12 05:29:28
Re: Hello, I'm C.T. Keyes, returning member (6 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
On repeated words: In one of Shakespeare's histories, I remember not which, the King of England receives a barrel of tennis balls from the King of France, with a note: For the Court of King ((Name)). The King of England takes no little umbrage at this, declaring "I'll turn his balls to gunstones!" and continuing something like this: "By this mock he shall mock husbands from their wives, he shall mock sons from their mothers ..." The word 'mock' is repeated over and over, a half-dozen times at least (and I think more). Note that the word 'mock' appoximates the sound of a tennis ball struck by the racket.
Repetition and parallelism are tools, to be used well or ill.
The most common words are function words: the articles 'a'/'an' and 'the', the word 'to' used to introduce an infinitive as well as as a preposition, words like 'as' (which I just used twice in a row) and other words that have assigned functions in our grammar. It would be pointless to say 'Do not repeat these'; it would be easier to write a novel without the letter 'e' (and that has been done; see Gadsby).
Other nouns and verbs are very specific to their meanings. You do not call John 'Helen' just for variety. You do not say the driver of a bus is litigating his bus down the road for the sake of variety. The word, whether proper noun or verb, is proper to its specific meaning, and can only be replaced by strained constructions
Between these extremes, the function words and the words proper to their referent, there are many words which could be replaced by synonyms, or by near-synonyms whose different shading refines the original meaning, or provides a contrast, perhaps humorous. If the change of words does not actually achieve that, then why ask the reader to adjust to the change? Ideally, your story will so occupy the reader that the extra work will weaken the story, or at least the narrative.
To the degree that variety is necessary or desirable, there are other sources of it. The alternation of pronoun and antecedent is one such; varying the length of sentences is another
And sometimes repetition drives a point home, as in 'By this mock', above. Or in my example:
Merran ran too, ran up the hill faster than she'd ever run, ran without knowing that she ran, or that she was out of breath, or that the ground was trying to slip away under her pounding feet.
I intend that the reader, for a moment, will be as fully occupied by running as my protagonist is. Maybe I suceed, maybe I fail. But I chose the tool meaning it for this use; it was not accident.
2,838 2015-08-12 04:29:11
Re: Hello, I'm C.T. Keyes, returning member (6 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
I wanted to follow up on a few things from the reviews.
On topic flow: If you were writing an essay or an article, you'd arrange your topics to help your reader understand what you meant to say. Here you're writing a story, a narrative. Narratives are largely sequential, and that means that your topics must follow that sequence. But there are some exceptions. You have some flexibility in where you present setting and backstory, and when topics follow one another you control how you flow from one to the next, and to what degree they are entwined.
On passives: I like to use "On ((date)), I was born," as a statement that must be in the passive. There are active forms that work (usually using 'gave birth') but I think you see the point.
In general, and with some exception, you want the words of your topic to take the place or prominence in a sentence, and the sentences most central to your topic to take the place of prominence in your paragraphs. In general, and with some exception, the place of prominence in a sentence is the subject, and the place of prominence in a paragraph is the first sentence.
When your topic noun/pronoun would otherwise be the direct object, it may be better to use the passive voice. But usually not in the heat of action; there you want to stay with the active voice as much as you can--and again there are exceptions.
Copulas generally express static relationships. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was ... ." In this famous opening, Dickens sets the scene, in effect freezing the action long enough for us to step into the stage he has just set. His string of contrasts has become a landmark in the world of narrative.
And yet even static things are often better expressed in active terms: The deep blue sky arched overhead, as far as the eye could see. Even here, trying too hard can turn to self-parody.
Two of my favorite maxims come from Will Strunk and Winston Churchill.
Churchill first, since his is shorter: "Short words are best, and the old words, when short, are best of all." (Most popular histories forget that Churchill was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature.)
The second is Will Strunk's Rule 13. You should seek and buy a copy of the 1970's/1980's edition of Strunk and White. But here is the one rule to never forget:
Rule 13: Omit needless words.
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragaph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outine, but that every word tell.
Look carefully and you will see that this paragraph illustrates itself by example, from its vigorous and concise opening to the last three words that ring like a peal. Strunk did not achieve this perfection in one step. There were at least two published revisions, each omitting another word or two found not to be wholly needful.
2,839 2015-08-12 02:24:42
Re: Site Bugs 2 (342 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Sol, I ran a print copy of the inline review that Amy_s recently did of my Sorcerer's Progress Book 1, Chapter 5. Starting on page four, a number of the comments were missing, even though the text was highlighted.
2,840 2015-08-11 16:06:53
Re: Wishlist Cont. (212 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
On the print-the-review printable pages, could we have the closing comments (and reply) included, to make the print complete?
2,841 2015-08-10 12:49:38
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Some minor edits made in the flashback, and a little more of Amy's cherished description. (Caneth Bound is another chapter entirely.)
2,842 2015-08-10 03:52:04
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Don't get all meeting'd out by the PHBs. It's what they do.
2,843 2015-08-09 12:43:24
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
So, KH, LOTR was about Aragorn and Arwen?
2,844 2015-08-09 07:13:40
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
So the Black Staff may have been an instrument of what happened to/through Kha?
Is it naturally petrified? Then surely it is much older than the Age of Diminishment? Maybe even older than the Age of Magic?
And it is seemingly linked to the Defiler?
2,845 2015-08-09 00:57:39
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I'm not sure you do need that. Your slow reveal seems okay so far. It depends on what route you plan to take us on.
In the meantime, I wonder about how those memories were wrenched from Kha to harm his friends. Did that happen before or after he was exposed to the Black Staff?
Has the Black Staff been burnt, by the way?
2,846 2015-08-08 10:57:38
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Okay, the flashback is up in a chapter numbered 5.
2,847 2015-08-08 07:04:59
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Maybe in those frescoes of Behira you could show Sil's transition to dragonhood and her assault. Don't name her and don't give away so much that anyone could guess that she'll appear. And maybe they don't even know her name. You could have Lewellen tell Tazar the story. We only need to see a line or two of dialogue.
2,848 2015-08-08 03:45:06
Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (1,905 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Now I'm picturing Dick van Dyke with the dancing penguins in Mary Poppins. "My father gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad ..."
2,849 2015-08-07 17:26:25
Re: The Sorcerer's Progress (1,528 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Working on a flashback between Nikkano and Erevain. For this backstory I've needed to create backstory for their building and location (so it makes sense) and to refine another bit of will-reveal-about-the-Academy. And now I have to weave that, and character, back into my flashback scene, and without giving too much away.
It takes several hours to get myself into scene and story, and then I run out of time to work.
2,850 2015-08-07 17:04:48
Re: Chloe-Nio16's thread (17 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Why not start Mandates with Kha leaving the note for Anver and skipping out? You get both continuity in the stories and running away from home. Then your next scene, somewhere on the mountain, can show us Kha's corrupt magic, reintroduce how magic works, and finally tell us that Anver was wrong: Kha was still dying. Just not as fast.
Oh, right, this isn't your thread.