I wanted to follow up on a few things from the reviews.
On topic flow: If you were writing an essay or an article, you'd arrange your topics to help your reader understand what you meant to say. Here you're writing a story, a narrative. Narratives are largely sequential, and that means that your topics must follow that sequence. But there are some exceptions. You have some flexibility in where you present setting and backstory, and when topics follow one another you control how you flow from one to the next, and to what degree they are entwined.
On passives: I like to use "On ((date)), I was born," as a statement that must be in the passive. There are active forms that work (usually using 'gave birth') but I think you see the point.
In general, and with some exception, you want the words of your topic to take the place or prominence in a sentence, and the sentences most central to your topic to take the place of prominence in your paragraphs. In general, and with some exception, the place of prominence in a sentence is the subject, and the place of prominence in a paragraph is the first sentence.
When your topic noun/pronoun would otherwise be the direct object, it may be better to use the passive voice. But usually not in the heat of action; there you want to stay with the active voice as much as you can--and again there are exceptions.
Copulas generally express static relationships. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was ... ." In this famous opening, Dickens sets the scene, in effect freezing the action long enough for us to step into the stage he has just set. His string of contrasts has become a landmark in the world of narrative.
And yet even static things are often better expressed in active terms: The deep blue sky arched overhead, as far as the eye could see. Even here, trying too hard can turn to self-parody.
Two of my favorite maxims come from Will Strunk and Winston Churchill.
Churchill first, since his is shorter: "Short words are best, and the old words, when short, are best of all." (Most popular histories forget that Churchill was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature.)
The second is Will Strunk's Rule 13. You should seek and buy a copy of the 1970's/1980's edition of Strunk and White. But here is the one rule to never forget:
Rule 13: Omit needless words.
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragaph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outine, but that every word tell.
Look carefully and you will see that this paragraph illustrates itself by example, from its vigorous and concise opening to the last three words that ring like a peal. Strunk did not achieve this perfection in one step. There were at least two published revisions, each omitting another word or two found not to be wholly needful.
