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Indeed... however can you change the title of chapter 54 to a non-spoiler?

Anything you can do to bunt the news article out of the important 3rd chapter slot would help (I don't purport to speak for publishers)

I mostly got links to covercritics.com.

He has the advantage that his main character's name overlaps another semi-famous name (I didn't have that - too many made-up names) and he's using a pseudonym as his author name here. Two great combinations for evading the mighty google.

Not sure I follow. He doesn't seem to hate the Whovillians - only their devotion to Christmas. Or am I misreading the original intent?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW3Q1FR6Dwc

went back and re-read the chapter. I have no complaints with her waiting... but yes I agree it is tactically unsound.

Understand that 4 fully trained men who've seen combat will very likely overwhelm one person with a gun. There are people today (eg Krav Maga martial artists) who can who can disarm you bare-handed from across a room. Imagine squaring off with four of them. Queen would have no chance. And we haven't considered one of them might be good at eyeshots with a thrown knife. Or have a razor-drone to bounce around the room at the speed of sound (killing everyone including the suicide attackers. Or have a poisonous gas sac implanted in his rectum. Or use ultrasonics to knock everyone out. Or even something as simple as a burning smoke grenade using a frozen cube of hydrochloric acid ancasing a ball of phosphorous.

Basically, "There's no way she could have taken them all down with a blaster before they charged" is the point I should debate. It should probably be "There's no way she could have taken them down once two had fully entered the room". She's unwise to allow them to enter. Given the multitude of ways the killers have at their disposal and that she can't be certain if htey plan to use them, she does indeed risk her son's life in order to enter into discussion with them.

No issue with the current structure IMO. But I can see the other side of the equation the reviewers are trying to convey.

You'll laugh at my suggested fix, but after that, perhaps give it a thought. Jospeh is of military training in this draft... how's about they take him and his mother alone* as they flee down a hall. Joseph turns around and lets them have it, disarming two (the hallway can serve to string out the attackers so they can't all fire) by breaking joints jiu jitsu style. The last two overwhelm him and your scene progresses as normal, only everyone his holding live weaspons and it boils down to two on two.

Basically, I'm suggesting remove the part where the villains are unarmed and let your MCs carry their weight (sink or swim).

*I would have them separate the king and the queen the moment an attack is ascertained with the goal of reducing characters in the scene

oooh! Threat detection! *steals*

Shi, you mean. Japanese doesn't have a "she". I think Amy meant "shi" but was typing phonetically.

They don't have a "si".

I went on
http://review.kakaku.com/review/J0000010505/

to see if I could catch them typing "JVC" because that's the "si" sound you're looking for. Unfortunately, whenever they couldn't render the sound into Japanese, they simply wrote the English letters

Example:
ヘッドホンアンプ・DAC

I trolled that entire page but not once do they write JVC in Japanese.  I've heard a native Japanese speaker say JVC, therefore the sound exists to them, but they appear to have no way to write it. Having no way to write it, basically means it won't appear in a family name.

Horrible news, I know.

I suppose you could just make up that the name exists. I bet few readers could catch it.

-K

As for the name... you're a little bit stuck because you have sounds a Japanese speaker would stumble over.

I can't even suggest "cha-ru-zu" (Charles) because
a) Spoken by a germanic or latin influence, it sound nothing like the original
b) it's an impossible family name in Japanese and it makes me want to grab a broom

I bent my head around this one for the last half an hour. Here's what the issue is...
a) Japanese doesn't have a "si" (they can approximate with a "ti" but it's just not the same.
b) there is no "br". The approximation is "bura"
c) ending in an "s" is possible via "su" which sounds 99% the same... however germanic and latin based languages will make this rhyme with "hue".

One short name has 3 impossible letter combinations. Herein lies the fundamental problem. All possible approaches involve phonetic gymnastics.

I can see no other solution than to punt the name onto a different character. For example, you could assign him to Lady Kay's role. "Kei Kobayashi" works much better than any variant of Seabrass.

correct. Nippon uses "small-tsu" so it doesn't really have two p's any more than "Taipei" has an 'e' and an 'i' in Mandarin.

That is... Nippon is "Ni-tsu-pon" in Japanese

Preface: Don't ever accuse me of going easy on you.

Okay... all the proper nouns in chapter 1:

Tommy Travers
Amelia
Ben
Mephitis
Kaleb
Breached
the Warehouse
the Master
the Gifted
the World of Books
A Remembrance
Karina
Porter
Atria
the Tow
Original Intent
Virgo
Yashur
Genria <--- "cap"
Jostlin
Esthra

This averages a scant 200 words per noun... an average of 2.03 paragraphs per name.

I listed Genria as my name-cap. Once I hit this point in a story, I must reverse and jot them down (which I did) or else they become a carousel of name-index-cards.

Q1: Do you absolutely need all these characters right here right now? I mean Ben isn't even in the story yet. Why is he named? Are both Karin & Porter essential to attracting me to give you $10? That's the big question your chapter 1 must answer. If you stand back and eye it critically, you could get by with just one for now, and bring the other in when you have a chance.

Q2: I would suggest not starting with a sci-fi story (I know! I was the one asking for one in the previous two books). The problem is it's too late to the party and opens all sorts of questions (such as why doesn't Tommy bring a laser out of the book with him. If you lose an eye in one story, can you hop into this story and have it regrown? Why don't the villains use a sci-fi book to invent a weapon that can't be stopped with our technology?). Furthermore, you're eventually going to have to reassign Porter, Karin, Amelia, & M/C into new roles once they leave the book. Due to the size of the cast, that's going to be a jolt.

Wait a second. Star Trek tng started their episode 1 in a holodeck and forced us to reassign roles too. True... but they did it with 2 characters.

Q3: Special Note: I like the sci-fi scene and its presentation. Just knowing what I know about the series, I realize I'm in for a culture shock.

Q4: Can you make it more about Tommy than about what everyone thinks about Tommy. This is a little difficult to explain, but I will refer you to book 1 with his mother + brother dynamic. That was "living" Tommy or "pure" Tommy. What you have here is Tommy playing a role. A character playing a character. He's not being his true self. He's not being honest with himself or the reader.